10 years of stuff
What would I say to myself ten years ago? Worried about T-guys and mothers who have their own issues?
What would I say to the Jennifer 9 years ago? Starting her own independent journey full of mistakes, promises and exploration?
What about 8 years ago? All those days of heartache.
And 7 years ago, when my heart was broken into even smaller pieces? What would I tell myself then?
6 years ago when my heart was broken and mended so many times it was starting to create a shell?
5 years ago which was the worst and best year of my life...my heart was granite after the event. But then I met Tim, and everything is different.
There's really nothing I could say. For one, no such thing as time travel. Also, what would I say? I had people telling me the right answers all along...even my mother, who was right about TU and TQ, but just didn't have the right way of showing it. I was young, stubborn, and unaware of my issues. And I went along making mistakes, hit and miss. But that's what life is about, right? Hit and miss...you never know what the future will hold. I never thought that I would be going to China. But I did. I never thought I'd be going to London. But I did. I never thought that in the midst of guy bashing, I would find the one guy who TRULY makes me laugh...a lot. Who treats me the way I've always wanted to be treated; I don't have to ask him for anything. He just does. He shows me how much he loves me through acts of kindness. He provides for me. He reaches for my hand. He looks me in the eyes and tells me how he feels. He genuinely wants to be around me. He sacrifices his time in order to see me. We communicate. We hardly fight. We just love.
It makes me wonder....did I have to go through all of that crap to get what I have now? Seems silly now that I'm saying it "outloud". Of course I didn't HAVE to, but a lot of it led me to where I am now. Terry showed me how a real relationship worked...what it was like to love and be loved. Luke helped me learn the love language of service, and I learned the importance of communication. I used to NEVER communicate. I assumed Terry or Luke should know how I felt at all times, which wasn't fair. I mean sure they didn't treat me well, but at the same time how were they supposed to know I was unhappy if I never talked about it? I met Tim though Will, who was his friend. I met Will at Best Buy, which is the same place Luke worked. I wouldn't have dated Luke if I wasn't trying to get away from Ricky, who was rebound from Terry. "Everything happens for a reason" is bullshit. I know that now.
It's interesting. In therapy I've discovered that my negative cognition is that I'm stupid. I've believed it all of my life. I was so stupid that I was sexually assaulted. I was so dumb that I was blind-sided by my parents splitting up. I was so stupid to let guys treat me like shit. Stupid Stupid Stupid.
I've seen it all throughout this journal. Almost eery other entry mentions how stupid I am for causing something or another. It's weird to make a discovery about yourself and physically see it holding true in the past.
On a less serious note, I'm glad I remembered livejournal. I'm too lazy to write. I have so many things to get off my chest. No more writing about guys. No more writing about mothers (well, not as much anyway), no more writing about being depressed and alone. I hope the next 10 years holds depth, creativity, and reality.
What would I say to the Jennifer 9 years ago? Starting her own independent journey full of mistakes, promises and exploration?
What about 8 years ago? All those days of heartache.
And 7 years ago, when my heart was broken into even smaller pieces? What would I tell myself then?
6 years ago when my heart was broken and mended so many times it was starting to create a shell?
5 years ago which was the worst and best year of my life...my heart was granite after the event. But then I met Tim, and everything is different.
There's really nothing I could say. For one, no such thing as time travel. Also, what would I say? I had people telling me the right answers all along...even my mother, who was right about TU and TQ, but just didn't have the right way of showing it. I was young, stubborn, and unaware of my issues. And I went along making mistakes, hit and miss. But that's what life is about, right? Hit and miss...you never know what the future will hold. I never thought that I would be going to China. But I did. I never thought I'd be going to London. But I did. I never thought that in the midst of guy bashing, I would find the one guy who TRULY makes me laugh...a lot. Who treats me the way I've always wanted to be treated; I don't have to ask him for anything. He just does. He shows me how much he loves me through acts of kindness. He provides for me. He reaches for my hand. He looks me in the eyes and tells me how he feels. He genuinely wants to be around me. He sacrifices his time in order to see me. We communicate. We hardly fight. We just love.
It makes me wonder....did I have to go through all of that crap to get what I have now? Seems silly now that I'm saying it "outloud". Of course I didn't HAVE to, but a lot of it led me to where I am now. Terry showed me how a real relationship worked...what it was like to love and be loved. Luke helped me learn the love language of service, and I learned the importance of communication. I used to NEVER communicate. I assumed Terry or Luke should know how I felt at all times, which wasn't fair. I mean sure they didn't treat me well, but at the same time how were they supposed to know I was unhappy if I never talked about it? I met Tim though Will, who was his friend. I met Will at Best Buy, which is the same place Luke worked. I wouldn't have dated Luke if I wasn't trying to get away from Ricky, who was rebound from Terry. "Everything happens for a reason" is bullshit. I know that now.
It's interesting. In therapy I've discovered that my negative cognition is that I'm stupid. I've believed it all of my life. I was so stupid that I was sexually assaulted. I was so dumb that I was blind-sided by my parents splitting up. I was so stupid to let guys treat me like shit. Stupid Stupid Stupid.
I've seen it all throughout this journal. Almost eery other entry mentions how stupid I am for causing something or another. It's weird to make a discovery about yourself and physically see it holding true in the past.
On a less serious note, I'm glad I remembered livejournal. I'm too lazy to write. I have so many things to get off my chest. No more writing about guys. No more writing about mothers (well, not as much anyway), no more writing about being depressed and alone. I hope the next 10 years holds depth, creativity, and reality.