NEWS IN NEW MOORE, 3RD EDITION.
'Cause we're workin' backwards, in case you forgot.
I was gonna write "How To Not Randomly Kiss Some Strangers" and "What Baby Seals Ain't Interested In", but I spilled on that draft. Why not write it on a computer, you'd ask if you gave a shit. I'd answer 'cause it's easier to write out instead of type up and all the coffee got everywhere and it looks like this:
So you're gonna get this before my deadline:
HOW THE HELL AREN'T THESE PEOPLE ARRESTED YET
pretty damn suspicious people; do the police even work here?
We're gonna find out 'bout these suspicious people inna couple spaces, 'cause I can't figure out how to make the huge space go away. Gonna say I put it there on purpose.
Adds suspense.
HERE WE'VEGOT SUSPECTS
Name's Katsurapper or somethin'.Every time you talk to this guy he doesn't make any fuckin' sense. Pretty sure he's got some weirdo training thing going on kinda like he's tryin' to form a cult or some kinda mob or shitty rap group or somethin'.
If this was anywhere normal this guy couldn't get permission to teach a room full'a fat guinea pigs.
So's anybody tried to do anything about this kid yet? You don't gotta kill him or anything. Ain't suggestin' that, 'cause I don't condone killing nobody. Killin' ain't really my thing, you get me? Haha, but seriously I think it'd be doin' everybody a favor if somebody checked this kid out and saved everybody a headache.
Kinda looks like a tumbleweed.
Oh yeah 'cause that's totally the face of the guy I want operating on me.
They call this guy a doctor. Know what? Looked into the hospitals here and they haven't heard of this guy. Last I checked, which was the last time I was in a fuckin' hospital before I ended up on this shitty equivalent of a five-year-old's drawing of a paradise island as opposed to a real paradise island, YOU'VE GOTTA BE LICENSED TO PRACTICE MEDICINE IN ORDER TO LEGALLY CALL YOURSELF A DOCTOR. How the hell is this even legal?!
Completely competent face of a guy who I'm gonna trust with my health.
Fuck that.
Dr. Quack Malpractice # 2
WHOA BACK UP WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON
I wasn't gonna say anything 'bout this guy, but I saw him down at the school. He waited 'til all the brats were out then went in. That part ain't suspicious, 'cause that's what I'd do. Asked 'bout him after he left. He's gonna be a teacher or something. Makes me nervous the way he was eying one'a those kids.
Makes me even more nervous the way he messes with cats. They really wanna guy like this teaching in a public school system?
Saw this same guy make a statue outta condiment packets.
So here's this guy who's probably behind all this shit and drug-related bullshit, but puts a front about it and the nature of the business changes every fucking time you walk by the shop. Ain't gonna name this guy, but I got it on good authority he kinda looks like this. If you know his name, I ain't stoppin' you from sayin' it. Employs all kinds of weird people too.
He's got a sister or somethin' like it, I dunno. Kinda creepy if you ask me. I mean if you're always hangin' around your sister. I love my sister and all that shit; I ain't afraid to say it. She's decent -- uh, I guess she's decent to everybody else, probably, 'cause she's kinda a hag to me sometimes -- and I like to spend time with her.
But uh, I definitely don't treat my sister like that. Don't think anybody treats their sister like that.
This asshole.
Blocked the face offa that kid to protect the innocent.
Dunno what's with this girl. She's cute and looks legal and like she'd probably be able to land a decent boyfriend, but she hangs around with her brother or whatever. That Chinese guy who runs the messed up drug operation or puppy operation or crate operation or whatever the fuck operation it is today.
Saw her imitating a cactus and makin' sound effects they ain't supposed to make.
So this guy's name is Hanna.
Yeah right. Like I'm gonna fuckin' believe that. Everybody knows that ain't a boy's name, so I'm gonna say that's probably a pseudonym and this guy's up to suspicious shit.
Only thing suspicious is him sayin' he's 24. Uh, other than that I guess he's all right.
Even he don't look like he believes it.
Her name's Hannah, if that kid screaming on the network's any indication.
More reasons why Hanna ain't a boy's name and that guy above this entry's up to suspicious shit.
I ain't gonna say anything 'bout her situation 'cause it ain't my place to say shit when I don't got any facts, but it's a damn shame there's a pretty lady like that who gets treated the way she does.
'Cause there's nothin' weird when you're triplets and still dressin' alike when you're over age ten.
These guys look like they talk a lot, but I haven't heard 'em. Dunno if it's a language barrier or what, but that Chinese guy talks to 'em like they're dogs. I think they listen, too.
The Bobbsey Triplets
Hey, any of you guys think this guy's actually... uh, you know what, never mind.
Speaking of dogs, I think this guy's the type of guy who has a blog about his dog.
Ain't really suspicious, but I'm kinda curious if anybody knows what's up with this kid.
Yeah, I get it. They like cosplaying countries. It's kinda weird, but ok. Ain't harming nobody. They like to be called by the countries' names. Still ain't harmin' nobody.
But they seriously expect the rest of us to buy that shit.
Uhhhh............
This kid creeps me out. Ain't just that he's a boy and got pictures taken of himself wearing his maid's outfit or does shit I ain't gonna talk about for that Chinese guy.
What's gettin' me is I'm pretty sure there's a book written 'bout this kid by a guy named Nabokov. Surprised he hasn't disappeared and turned up months later dead in the woods somewhere.
Don't feel like I gotta explain why he's suspicious more than this.
What's going on with his face?
Looks even more like a tumbleweed than that other kid. A curly one.
All looks aside, who the hell needs that many post-it notes? Pretty sure this guy has a label for every utensil in his kitchen. Bet he even keeps them in little Tupperware containers, all labeled for what they are even though they got individual labels on 'em.
Suspicious pink style. Spaces out all the time when you're talkin' to him. Never listens to a damn thing you say, like he's seein' some world other than you. CRASHES YOUR FUCKING CAR. Looks forward to beatin' up on guys who have one arm. Makes about as much sense as the first guy on this list.
I'd think this guy fakes stupid if I didn't know any better.
Feel like I should mention I had another guy to mention. Keeps popping up under every bit of sleuthing I do, like he's attached to everything. Get the impression there's this guy skulking around nobody knows about.
I put a name to him but one of the editors told me I had to erase it. Shocked the hell outta me 'cause it was obviously the only word they even paid attention to on this whole fuckin' page. Pretty sure they didn't read this.
I'm gonna keep quiet on it 'cause it sounds like that's the only thing that'd make them stop payin' me. I don't wanna end up teaching and there's nowhere else to pretend like I actually got a job on this island in freelance writing.
Journalistic integrity says I should put it out there anyway, but you know what? Nobody even fuckin' reads this, so I ain't saying shit.
written by Kazuhiko Yukimi
I was gonna write "How To Not Randomly Kiss Some Strangers" and "What Baby Seals Ain't Interested In", but I spilled on that draft. Why not write it on a computer, you'd ask if you gave a shit. I'd answer 'cause it's easier to write out instead of type up and all the coffee got everywhere and it looks like this:
So you're gonna get this before my deadline:
HOW THE HELL AREN'T THESE PEOPLE ARRESTED YET
pretty damn suspicious people; do the police even work here?
We're gonna find out 'bout these suspicious people inna couple spaces, 'cause I can't figure out how to make the huge space go away. Gonna say I put it there on purpose.
Adds suspense.
HERE WE'VEGOT SUSPECTS
Name's Katsurapper or somethin'.Every time you talk to this guy he doesn't make any fuckin' sense. Pretty sure he's got some weirdo training thing going on kinda like he's tryin' to form a cult or some kinda mob or shitty rap group or somethin'.
If this was anywhere normal this guy couldn't get permission to teach a room full'a fat guinea pigs.
So's anybody tried to do anything about this kid yet? You don't gotta kill him or anything. Ain't suggestin' that, 'cause I don't condone killing nobody. Killin' ain't really my thing, you get me? Haha, but seriously I think it'd be doin' everybody a favor if somebody checked this kid out and saved everybody a headache.
Kinda looks like a tumbleweed.
Oh yeah 'cause that's totally the face of the guy I want operating on me.
They call this guy a doctor. Know what? Looked into the hospitals here and they haven't heard of this guy. Last I checked, which was the last time I was in a fuckin' hospital before I ended up on this shitty equivalent of a five-year-old's drawing of a paradise island as opposed to a real paradise island, YOU'VE GOTTA BE LICENSED TO PRACTICE MEDICINE IN ORDER TO LEGALLY CALL YOURSELF A DOCTOR. How the hell is this even legal?!
Completely competent face of a guy who I'm gonna trust with my health.
Fuck that.
Dr. Quack Malpractice # 2
WHOA BACK UP WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON
I wasn't gonna say anything 'bout this guy, but I saw him down at the school. He waited 'til all the brats were out then went in. That part ain't suspicious, 'cause that's what I'd do. Asked 'bout him after he left. He's gonna be a teacher or something. Makes me nervous the way he was eying one'a those kids.
Makes me even more nervous the way he messes with cats. They really wanna guy like this teaching in a public school system?
Saw this same guy make a statue outta condiment packets.
So here's this guy who's probably behind all this shit and drug-related bullshit, but puts a front about it and the nature of the business changes every fucking time you walk by the shop. Ain't gonna name this guy, but I got it on good authority he kinda looks like this. If you know his name, I ain't stoppin' you from sayin' it. Employs all kinds of weird people too.
He's got a sister or somethin' like it, I dunno. Kinda creepy if you ask me. I mean if you're always hangin' around your sister. I love my sister and all that shit; I ain't afraid to say it. She's decent -- uh, I guess she's decent to everybody else, probably, 'cause she's kinda a hag to me sometimes -- and I like to spend time with her.
But uh, I definitely don't treat my sister like that. Don't think anybody treats their sister like that.
This asshole.
Blocked the face offa that kid to protect the innocent.
Dunno what's with this girl. She's cute and looks legal and like she'd probably be able to land a decent boyfriend, but she hangs around with her brother or whatever. That Chinese guy who runs the messed up drug operation or puppy operation or crate operation or whatever the fuck operation it is today.
Saw her imitating a cactus and makin' sound effects they ain't supposed to make.
So this guy's name is Hanna.
Yeah right. Like I'm gonna fuckin' believe that. Everybody knows that ain't a boy's name, so I'm gonna say that's probably a pseudonym and this guy's up to suspicious shit.
Only thing suspicious is him sayin' he's 24. Uh, other than that I guess he's all right.
Even he don't look like he believes it.
Her name's Hannah, if that kid screaming on the network's any indication.
More reasons why Hanna ain't a boy's name and that guy above this entry's up to suspicious shit.
I ain't gonna say anything 'bout her situation 'cause it ain't my place to say shit when I don't got any facts, but it's a damn shame there's a pretty lady like that who gets treated the way she does.
'Cause there's nothin' weird when you're triplets and still dressin' alike when you're over age ten.
These guys look like they talk a lot, but I haven't heard 'em. Dunno if it's a language barrier or what, but that Chinese guy talks to 'em like they're dogs. I think they listen, too.
The Bobbsey Triplets
Hey, any of you guys think this guy's actually... uh, you know what, never mind.
Speaking of dogs, I think this guy's the type of guy who has a blog about his dog.
Ain't really suspicious, but I'm kinda curious if anybody knows what's up with this kid.
Yeah, I get it. They like cosplaying countries. It's kinda weird, but ok. Ain't harming nobody. They like to be called by the countries' names. Still ain't harmin' nobody.
But they seriously expect the rest of us to buy that shit.
Uhhhh............
This kid creeps me out. Ain't just that he's a boy and got pictures taken of himself wearing his maid's outfit or does shit I ain't gonna talk about for that Chinese guy.
What's gettin' me is I'm pretty sure there's a book written 'bout this kid by a guy named Nabokov. Surprised he hasn't disappeared and turned up months later dead in the woods somewhere.
Don't feel like I gotta explain why he's suspicious more than this.
What's going on with his face?
Looks even more like a tumbleweed than that other kid. A curly one.
All looks aside, who the hell needs that many post-it notes? Pretty sure this guy has a label for every utensil in his kitchen. Bet he even keeps them in little Tupperware containers, all labeled for what they are even though they got individual labels on 'em.
Suspicious pink style. Spaces out all the time when you're talkin' to him. Never listens to a damn thing you say, like he's seein' some world other than you. CRASHES YOUR FUCKING CAR. Looks forward to beatin' up on guys who have one arm. Makes about as much sense as the first guy on this list.
I'd think this guy fakes stupid if I didn't know any better.
Feel like I should mention I had another guy to mention. Keeps popping up under every bit of sleuthing I do, like he's attached to everything. Get the impression there's this guy skulking around nobody knows about.
I put a name to him but one of the editors told me I had to erase it. Shocked the hell outta me 'cause it was obviously the only word they even paid attention to on this whole fuckin' page. Pretty sure they didn't read this.
I'm gonna keep quiet on it 'cause it sounds like that's the only thing that'd make them stop payin' me. I don't wanna end up teaching and there's nowhere else to pretend like I actually got a job on this island in freelance writing.
Journalistic integrity says I should put it out there anyway, but you know what? Nobody even fuckin' reads this, so I ain't saying shit.
written by Kazuhiko Yukimi