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God I honestly don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Why does it take me so fucking long to write papers?!?!?! I mean how fucking hard is it to read two fucking articles and compare them? IT'S NOT HARD so why is it that i can sit at the library THE ENTIRE DAY and get nothing written down???? I hate being so fucking stupid.
I got back from the library and realized i left my memory stick in the computer. what am I supposed to do???
All I ate today was 1/3 cup of heart to heart, kashi cereal, 2 nips candies, and two tall, fat free, sugar free lattes... the cereal was like 40 cals, the candy was 60, and the lattes were 240. so that's 340... then I kind of freaked out because i've only had carbs today so i ate .6 oz of lox. which was 32 cals. so today I had a total of 372 cals. wow, I didn't even realize that. I did so well today so why am I so depressed?
I like seriously debated for like a half an hour after I got home over the lox... it's like i'm fighting with myself over the guilt of ruining my day when I wasn't even hungry and knowing that I still need some kind of nutrition/not wanting my metabolism to slow down. I hate this. God, I totally forgot about this part of the ED. I've been on such a high lately and now this. I just started crying after my roommate left to spend the night at her boyfriend's, for no reason~ maybe it was out of frustration with my paper, the feeling of failure, the panic from not going to all my classes, wanting someone to know that something is wrong with me but at the same time not wanting anyone to know because I don't want to get fat again and I don't want them to look at me like "what's wrong with you" with disgust. I hate the feeling of isolation that comes with this. Karolyn kept calling me today asking me to go eat with her and I just couldn't. I'm missing out on getting close to these people who I really want to get close to but can't because I don't want to lose control, forget that i'm not supposed to be eating because i'm so preoccupied with establishing friendships. I feel like unless i'm in class, doing homework or focused I'll lose control over eating.
and it's not like i can just stop. It's not that easy now... I forgot how this grabs a hold of you and doesn't let you go. I can't even give blood tomorrow because i've been feeling so dizzy lately and usually I start blacking out when they take a sample of blood let alone having the blood drained from my body. I guess they'll figure out that I don't have any iron in my blood and deffer me and then i'll have to find someone else to donate for me who isn't greek or everyone in my house will blame me for being part of the reason we don't win greek week. I just feel so pressured right now and Its all guilt, why do i feel so guilty. why am i beating myself up so much over nothing? I started crying when i couldn't find my sleeping pills. god i need sleep.