Sorry but I had to post it-
It has been like a year since i have even logged on to livejournal so please forgive me for my absence. I’m not sure if anyone will be able to relate to this/ appreciate this but I really need to say a few things. I guess I just want to speak to any of you who are still in the “beginning phases” of your eating disorder. I joined livejournal three years ago in order to ‘improve’ my eating disorder (“improve” in my case meant mastering my eating disorder… losing as much weight as possible- making my eating disorder worse).
I feel like such a hypocrite writing this because I can’t even follow my own advice… and because every statement that I’m about to make will probably contradict another statement in the same sentence.
I just want to say that developing an eating disorder may, at first, seem incredibly powerful, it may make you feel that you have more control of your life or make you feel better about yourself.
The problem with this perception is that it is disguising reality. It is making you think you’re happy when you really aren’t.
It won’t be too long before you really start to hate your eating disorder. And I don’t want to even entertain anyone who is thinking “oh I’ll never let it get out of control... I couldn’t~ even if I wanted it to”. - that’s what I thought & guess what? No matter what you do, IT will end up controlling YOU. IT will end up making you feel WORSE about your body no matter how much weight you lose.
The one thing that no one tells you is that there is no such thing as winning when it comes to eating disorders. No matter how much weight you lose, no matter how little you eat, you will always convince yourself that you could do better. You could work out more, you could eat less, you could get thinner & thinner. You’ll start to realize that no matter how low the number on the scale gets you still won’t be happy.
You will start canceling plans with friends/family so that you can work out. You won’t be able to study because your brain is lacking the carbohydrates it needs in order to think properly. You will start ditching your friends so that you can plan your meals/ figure out how to cut even more calories out of your 400 calories-a-day diet. Your entire day will revolve around when you can work out, when you can eat, what you can eat, how you can trick your friends/family into believing that you are eating………
I could go on and on until I die from this fucking disease but I’ll spare you. The bottom line is that you will NEVER be happy as long as you continue to nurture your eating disorder.
The sad thing is that even after writing all this down- I still will continue to let myself spiral down this destructive path because I have to.
If you are in ANY WAY able to save yourself from this horrible life- PLEASE- do it before you get sucked in. Because once you do it stays with you forever and runs your entire fucking life.
I feel like such a hypocrite writing this because I can’t even follow my own advice… and because every statement that I’m about to make will probably contradict another statement in the same sentence.
I just want to say that developing an eating disorder may, at first, seem incredibly powerful, it may make you feel that you have more control of your life or make you feel better about yourself.
The problem with this perception is that it is disguising reality. It is making you think you’re happy when you really aren’t.
It won’t be too long before you really start to hate your eating disorder. And I don’t want to even entertain anyone who is thinking “oh I’ll never let it get out of control... I couldn’t~ even if I wanted it to”. - that’s what I thought & guess what? No matter what you do, IT will end up controlling YOU. IT will end up making you feel WORSE about your body no matter how much weight you lose.
The one thing that no one tells you is that there is no such thing as winning when it comes to eating disorders. No matter how much weight you lose, no matter how little you eat, you will always convince yourself that you could do better. You could work out more, you could eat less, you could get thinner & thinner. You’ll start to realize that no matter how low the number on the scale gets you still won’t be happy.
You will start canceling plans with friends/family so that you can work out. You won’t be able to study because your brain is lacking the carbohydrates it needs in order to think properly. You will start ditching your friends so that you can plan your meals/ figure out how to cut even more calories out of your 400 calories-a-day diet. Your entire day will revolve around when you can work out, when you can eat, what you can eat, how you can trick your friends/family into believing that you are eating………
I could go on and on until I die from this fucking disease but I’ll spare you. The bottom line is that you will NEVER be happy as long as you continue to nurture your eating disorder.
The sad thing is that even after writing all this down- I still will continue to let myself spiral down this destructive path because I have to.
If you are in ANY WAY able to save yourself from this horrible life- PLEASE- do it before you get sucked in. Because once you do it stays with you forever and runs your entire fucking life.