entry 075 - all summer long [12/14]
Title: All Summer Long
Author: jamie_love13
Beta-Edited: Madison, but not for this chapter
Pairings/Characters: Jensen Ackles, Chris Kane, Chad Michael Murray, Jared Padalecki, though in body only.
Word Count: 3,000 Words
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Jensen finally lets his thoughts come out.
Disclaimer: Definitely don't own.
Warnings: past mentions of rape and suicide, though very brief.
Notes: Sorry for the two day wait. On Monday the computer's at my school that I use weren't working and on Tuesday, I had to go to an assembly during my study hall period (which is when I post this), hence the wait. But it's here. Enjoy.
Previous Post | Masterpost
Jensen watches as he sees Jared sway and close his eyes and Jensen can feel his heart plummet all the way down into his stomach and when he sees Jared begin to fall, he rushes towards him, catching him in his arms before he hits the ground and hits his head. Jensen quickly sets Jared down on the floor, tears leaking from his eyes as he shakes Jared gently.
“C’mon Jay, please, come on,” He begs, clutching his chest and wondering why he couldn’t just fucking stop hurting the other man. He looks towards Danneel and Sophia, rolls his eyes before sighing and telling them to call the hospital. They nod quickly and rush off towards the phone and Jensen looks back towards Jared, biting his lip and thinking about everything that Jared had screamed at him.
First, Jensen starts off with the fact that Jared was raped -by Jeff, no less, and damn doesn’t that just piss Jensen off in so many ways, for so many different reasons. How he never noticed the fact that Jared was raped, or notice the fact that Jared had been slipping away from him. Or maybe, just maybe, Jensen had noticed and wanted to run away from it all - wanted to run away from the fear that he would be proposing, the fear of him being no good for Jared, the fear of commitment. He’s not going to make excuses for himself, knows that doing so would just be incredibly stupid, but how had he never noticed something with the man he was in love him just shocks him so much that he can’t do it. He closes his eyes and tilts his head down towards Jared, clenching the other man’s shirt and letting tears fall out of his eyes. He wants to tell Jared to not let go, wants to tell him all of these things but if he thinks about it, he’ll have a panic attack and he really can’t afford that right now. So instead, he remembers the words that Jared had shouted at him, wonders how he could have possibly fucked up an amazing ten year relationship for a man he knew he would never love nor ever could. Jensen sighs and opens his eyes,, rubbing his thumb on Jared’s hand, wishing that he knew how to fix everything, how to fix the fact that Jared might never be his ever again. He knows that he shouldn’t pity himself, he’s the one that caused all of this pain but Jensen can’t help but think, maybe, just maybe, if he had - if he hadn’t cheated on the man he loved, if he -
“Jensen, enough,” He startles, shocked at the fact that Chris was able to get the jump on him and scare the shit out of him. When he finally settles down, looks back towards Jared and squeezes his hand again and lets the tears fall from his eyes and the sobs wrack his body, he can feel Chris come up behind him and sling his arm around Jensen’s shoulders.
“I wish I could change everything,” He cries, his body shaking with the pain that he’s putting himself through and Jensen can feel Chris rubbing his shoulders, and he knows that Chris is going to give him a talk, knows that he deserves everything that will be said but not wanting to hear anything, not right now.
“Jensen, Jared loves you. He’ll always love you, no matter how badly you hurt him and continue to hurt him -“ Jensen gasps at that, the tears coming from his eyes even more than before and next thing he knows Chris is pulling him towards his body, giving him a hug and telling him that Jared will love him forever, that no matter how much pain they’ve been causing one another, they’ll find one another again because damn, they’re the most soulmate-ie of all soulmates if Chris has ever seen a bunch of soulmates and Jensen wants to laugh at that, wants to shout it for everyone to hear that if they were really soulmates, Jensen wouldn’t have hurt him so badly and that it sucks.
He hears Chris saying something but he angles his body away from Chris and looks him in the eye, needing to know something very important, something that will fucking crush Chris, having to retell the one thing that’s been on Jensen’s mind since the beginning of this trip. Chris, knowing Jensen so well, even though they haven’t spoken much this year, looks at him with a small smile on his face, and runs his hands through his hair before sighing.
“It was horrible, Jen.” Chris gulps and shakes his head, tears blurring his vision and Jensen moves closer to Jared, laying his body down next to his, joining himself with Jared like they use to.
“It was... we all saw the warnings signs, Jensen. We all saw them and we all decided to ignore them. He was drinking more, drinking a lot, always crying and shaking and saying random things and smoking more weed-“
“You mean like tonight?”
“Yeah, but no. Tonight was the worst I’ve ever seen Jared, ever and it just, I’ve never seen him act this bad or drink that much or take so many drugs, because he sure as hell wasn’t just smoking weed.” Chris says and Jensen tightens his hold on Jared, never wants to let him go because it was much worse than what he thought and he doesn’t want to lose Jared, not ever a-fucking-gain.
“But the day we found him, Danneel and I were going to talk to him about getting some help, about at least, trying to talk to you about everything. We never thought, ever, that Jared would try to kill himself, so when we found him, laying in a puddle of his own fucking blood --“ Chris stops, before sighing and running his hands through his hair and shaking his feet, which just makes Jensen laugh.
“I was going to call you, too, because I knew you still loved him, knew you missed him and wanted to speak to him and felt so horrible for what you did. I had your number dialled and everything, but Danneel took the phone away from me and got rid of it, telling me ‘Chris, Jared needs to move on and bringing Jensen won’t help’, and I knew, realized, she was really right.” Jensen nearly stops breathing at that, realizes how close he came to fixing everything early, wondering why he never tried.
He lets out a deep breath and gets up, looking at Chris, tears in his eyes and his heart beating with him, sluggishly and hurt.
“I’m a fuck up, Chris. No, let me finish!” He states, when he sees Chris open his mouth to reply but needing to get this off his chest. When he sees the older friend nod, he can only continue.
“I’m a fuck up and my greatest fear while I was with Jared was the fact that he would recognize the fact that I was the biggest fuck up out there and that he would leave me, realize that I wasn’t worth it at all.” Jensen says, gasping, shocked that his thoughts were finally coming out of his heart and wondering why they were finally coming out.
“Jensen-“ Chris begins and Jensen stops him with a look and Chris stops speaking, bites his lip to stop the laughter from coming out. Jensen smiles before laying back down next to Jared and holding onto him.
When Danneel comes back, sans Sophia, and Jensen can hear the two talking but he’s too busy trying to not freak out about Jared, trying not to let anything get to him.
“Jensen, are you okay?” That’s Danneel and Jensen shakes his head, not wanting to talk at all, just wanting to make sure Jared’s safe and nothing bad is going to happen to this man. Not only that, but Jensen is going to make fucking sure that Jared is okay, that Jared is still loved by him. Jensen is going to make pretty damn sure that he gets back with Jared, loves Jared every day for the rest of the life that he has in him.
“Jensen, the ambulance is here,” Jensen nods and gets up, his face completely blank and impassive, not letting any of his emotions show through, even though he knows Chris and Danneel well enough that they know him well enough. They loop their arms through his and walk with him towards the ambulance and when they finally arrive at the ambulance, and Jensen sees Jared being boarded up in it, and walks right into the ambulance, not hearing any of the EMT’s telling him he should get out. He silences them with one look and sits next to Jared, holding his hand, finally breaking down and bawling his eyes out. He doesn’t want to lose the man he loves, not again.
Jensen’s busy sitting next to Jared, waiting for him to wake up, and needing to talk to him right away. He’s shaking, can’t stop and is reminded of when Jared was shaking while he was drunk and fuck, he just needs to talk to the man that he loves and tell him how fucking sorry he is. He runs his fingers through his hair and starts jigging his leg, thumping it up and down. All he wants is for Jared to fucking wake up and let him tell him how sorry he is. And he knows that he’s been repetitive but fuck, Jensen feels like he’s running out of time to tell Jared all of this, and he doesn’t like that feeling. He needs Jared to wake up, needs Jared like someone needs air. And damn it, he needs it really fucking quickly.
Sighing, Jensen takes a deep breath and folds his hands into one another, bringing them to his lips. He knows exactly what he wants to say but he’s not exactly sure if he should say it, and if he does, if Jared will hear him - or even fucking listen to him.
He sighs one more time before licking his lips and opening his mouth, ready to finally speak before he loses his nerve.
“Jared, god Jared,” He begins, his voice shaking.
“Jared, you have no idea how sorry I am. I know you think I’m a complete asshole for what I did to you - -hell, I think I’m a complete asshole for what I did to you. I could never forget how bad I hurt you Jared. Every day, it was all I could think about, thinking why I was I such an asshole to you, why did I try and prove to you that I wasn’t worthy of you. Because I’m not, Jared. You deserve so much better than me and it fucking kills me to think that, let alone to admit it to you because god help me, I still love you and I can only pray that you love me and would take me back but, god fucking damn it Jared, I hurt you bad and I don’t deserve a generous, kind soul like yourself. At all.” Jensen takes in a deep breath at this point, grabbing onto Jared’s hands in the hospital bed and squeezing them before breathing out, closing his eyes and licking his lips.
“When you asked me to pick you, chose you, love you, god I wanted to laugh; not because I wanted to be a cruel person but because I wanted to say yes. I wanted to say I was always going to pick you, chose you, love you, no matter who I was in a relationship. Every time I was with Jeff, I thought about you Jared, and I know that sounds fucking creepy and awkward, but it was always you Jared. Always. I thought about how I hurt you and how I wanted to take everything back. How I wanted to tell you how sorry I was, how incredibly sorry I was for ever hurting you the way I did.”
Jensen stops at that point, taking a gulp of air, wishing he had something to drink and quench his thirst. He knows that someone is behind him, watching and listening to him but he doesn’t care, not right now. He just needs to get everything off of his chest, needs for Jared to hear this somehow, even if he’s asleep. He takes in a deep breath, can smell Jared all around him and he starts crying, his eyes red and crusting from all of this shit. He tries to control his breathing, tries to remember the lessons he was taught after breaking up with Jared, breath in, count to 25 and then breathe out. Rinse and repeat.
After a few minutes, Jensen finally opens his eyes and squeezes Jared’s hands before deciding to continue his soliloquy.
“Jared, when you wake up because god damn it you will definitely wake up, but when you wake up, I’m going to make up all the pain I caused you - I’m going to fucking make it up to you because you don’t deserve to have this kind of pain, you don’t deserve to have your heart broken over and over again by me. I don’t deserve you, you deserve so much fucking better than me. I’ll always love you, Jared. Always. Even if you don’t love me ever again, or you don’t want to ever love me again. “ Jensen takes in a deep breath, can feel his lungs expanding.
“Jensen...” He turns his head around and notices Chad there, his arms crossed against his chest, his feet crossed in front of him and Jensen can feel his heartbeat become even more irregular. Chad is Jared’s best friend, his main best friend and Jensen knows that this whole time they’ve been at the cabin, running from each other, Jensen has been expecting Chad to come for him. And here they are, with Jensen biting his lip and looking down at his hands enclosed into Jared’s before sighing and looking back up at Chad.
“Are you going to finally chew me out, Chad?” He questions, shaking his head and wiping away the tears with the sleeves on his shirt.
“Nah, man. Contrary to a shit load of people’s beliefs, I’m not as stupid as everyone else thinks. Jared - you might have hurt him beyond relief but Jared will always love you Jensen.” Jensen head snaps up at that, his eyes open wide in shock, not believing a word that’s being said, not wanting to believe anything that’s being said because if he does believe what Chad is telling him, believing him will give him hope and Jensen does not deserve any kind of hope relating to Jared’s love for him. No hope at all because he doesn’t deserve it and doesn’t deserve Jared and everyone knows that to be true.
“Chad, Jared - I don’t deserve him at all, okay. I may - I may want him to love me again, I may be praying for him to love me again everyday for the rest of my god damn fucking love but you know something Chad? Even if Jared does forgive me for all of the shit I’ve put him through our entire relationship, I would still work a thousand million times harder to make sure he knew how much I loved him, how much I needed him to trust me, pick me-“
“Chose you, love you?” Chad interrupts and Jensen snorts, nodding his head, remembering the time Jared and he watched that episode of Grey’s Anatomy for the first time. He puts his head down and shakes it before standing up and stretching his bones. When he looks back down at Jared, he has a small sad smile on his face and he bites his lip.
“Chad-“
“Yeah man?” Jensen looks over towards the other man and looks back down again, sadness in his eyes that he hasn’t felt in a long time.
“I’ll always love him, Chad. Always. And the moment we met, I knew I loved him from the beginning of it. It was always different between us and I fucked that up and have no idea how to fix it. But even if it means never being with him again, I’ll do it, as long as he’s happy, Chad. Even if it means watching him fall in love with someone else, marry that someone else, have kids with that someone else, start a family with that someone else - no matter how much it pains me Chad, to watch all of that - if it makes Jared happy, one hundred percent happy, then I’ll sit back and watch. I’ll watch because I know that I’ll only be giving him more pain and I know he deserves better than me -“ Jensen stops, gasping in shock before looking at Chad with blurry eyes from the tears, sobs wracking his body.
“Chad, if Jared moves on, then all I can do is be happy for him. Because when you love someone, Because when you love someone, you don’t let them go hoping they’ll come back to you. You fucking fight for them until the end, until you can’t fight any more or until they can’t take you fighting for them anymore. And if that’s the case - if they can’t take you fighting for them, then you let them go, because you know you’ve done everything you can, the best you fucking could, to get that someone to be with you, to be happy with you. And it’ll just be a pointless mission, trying to get them to be happy with you when they’re happy with someone else.” Jensen finishes, his body tensing before he walks around Chad. When he’s out the door but nowhere out of the way, he looks back towards Jared and smiles.
“I gotta fight for him, Chad.”
Next Chapter
Author: jamie_love13
Beta-Edited: Madison, but not for this chapter
Pairings/Characters: Jensen Ackles, Chris Kane, Chad Michael Murray, Jared Padalecki, though in body only.
Word Count: 3,000 Words
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Jensen finally lets his thoughts come out.
Disclaimer: Definitely don't own.
Warnings: past mentions of rape and suicide, though very brief.
Notes: Sorry for the two day wait. On Monday the computer's at my school that I use weren't working and on Tuesday, I had to go to an assembly during my study hall period (which is when I post this), hence the wait. But it's here. Enjoy.
Previous Post | Masterpost
Jensen watches as he sees Jared sway and close his eyes and Jensen can feel his heart plummet all the way down into his stomach and when he sees Jared begin to fall, he rushes towards him, catching him in his arms before he hits the ground and hits his head. Jensen quickly sets Jared down on the floor, tears leaking from his eyes as he shakes Jared gently.
“C’mon Jay, please, come on,” He begs, clutching his chest and wondering why he couldn’t just fucking stop hurting the other man. He looks towards Danneel and Sophia, rolls his eyes before sighing and telling them to call the hospital. They nod quickly and rush off towards the phone and Jensen looks back towards Jared, biting his lip and thinking about everything that Jared had screamed at him.
First, Jensen starts off with the fact that Jared was raped -by Jeff, no less, and damn doesn’t that just piss Jensen off in so many ways, for so many different reasons. How he never noticed the fact that Jared was raped, or notice the fact that Jared had been slipping away from him. Or maybe, just maybe, Jensen had noticed and wanted to run away from it all - wanted to run away from the fear that he would be proposing, the fear of him being no good for Jared, the fear of commitment. He’s not going to make excuses for himself, knows that doing so would just be incredibly stupid, but how had he never noticed something with the man he was in love him just shocks him so much that he can’t do it. He closes his eyes and tilts his head down towards Jared, clenching the other man’s shirt and letting tears fall out of his eyes. He wants to tell Jared to not let go, wants to tell him all of these things but if he thinks about it, he’ll have a panic attack and he really can’t afford that right now. So instead, he remembers the words that Jared had shouted at him, wonders how he could have possibly fucked up an amazing ten year relationship for a man he knew he would never love nor ever could. Jensen sighs and opens his eyes,, rubbing his thumb on Jared’s hand, wishing that he knew how to fix everything, how to fix the fact that Jared might never be his ever again. He knows that he shouldn’t pity himself, he’s the one that caused all of this pain but Jensen can’t help but think, maybe, just maybe, if he had - if he hadn’t cheated on the man he loved, if he -
“Jensen, enough,” He startles, shocked at the fact that Chris was able to get the jump on him and scare the shit out of him. When he finally settles down, looks back towards Jared and squeezes his hand again and lets the tears fall from his eyes and the sobs wrack his body, he can feel Chris come up behind him and sling his arm around Jensen’s shoulders.
“I wish I could change everything,” He cries, his body shaking with the pain that he’s putting himself through and Jensen can feel Chris rubbing his shoulders, and he knows that Chris is going to give him a talk, knows that he deserves everything that will be said but not wanting to hear anything, not right now.
“Jensen, Jared loves you. He’ll always love you, no matter how badly you hurt him and continue to hurt him -“ Jensen gasps at that, the tears coming from his eyes even more than before and next thing he knows Chris is pulling him towards his body, giving him a hug and telling him that Jared will love him forever, that no matter how much pain they’ve been causing one another, they’ll find one another again because damn, they’re the most soulmate-ie of all soulmates if Chris has ever seen a bunch of soulmates and Jensen wants to laugh at that, wants to shout it for everyone to hear that if they were really soulmates, Jensen wouldn’t have hurt him so badly and that it sucks.
He hears Chris saying something but he angles his body away from Chris and looks him in the eye, needing to know something very important, something that will fucking crush Chris, having to retell the one thing that’s been on Jensen’s mind since the beginning of this trip. Chris, knowing Jensen so well, even though they haven’t spoken much this year, looks at him with a small smile on his face, and runs his hands through his hair before sighing.
“It was horrible, Jen.” Chris gulps and shakes his head, tears blurring his vision and Jensen moves closer to Jared, laying his body down next to his, joining himself with Jared like they use to.
“It was... we all saw the warnings signs, Jensen. We all saw them and we all decided to ignore them. He was drinking more, drinking a lot, always crying and shaking and saying random things and smoking more weed-“
“You mean like tonight?”
“Yeah, but no. Tonight was the worst I’ve ever seen Jared, ever and it just, I’ve never seen him act this bad or drink that much or take so many drugs, because he sure as hell wasn’t just smoking weed.” Chris says and Jensen tightens his hold on Jared, never wants to let him go because it was much worse than what he thought and he doesn’t want to lose Jared, not ever a-fucking-gain.
“But the day we found him, Danneel and I were going to talk to him about getting some help, about at least, trying to talk to you about everything. We never thought, ever, that Jared would try to kill himself, so when we found him, laying in a puddle of his own fucking blood --“ Chris stops, before sighing and running his hands through his hair and shaking his feet, which just makes Jensen laugh.
“I was going to call you, too, because I knew you still loved him, knew you missed him and wanted to speak to him and felt so horrible for what you did. I had your number dialled and everything, but Danneel took the phone away from me and got rid of it, telling me ‘Chris, Jared needs to move on and bringing Jensen won’t help’, and I knew, realized, she was really right.” Jensen nearly stops breathing at that, realizes how close he came to fixing everything early, wondering why he never tried.
He lets out a deep breath and gets up, looking at Chris, tears in his eyes and his heart beating with him, sluggishly and hurt.
“I’m a fuck up, Chris. No, let me finish!” He states, when he sees Chris open his mouth to reply but needing to get this off his chest. When he sees the older friend nod, he can only continue.
“I’m a fuck up and my greatest fear while I was with Jared was the fact that he would recognize the fact that I was the biggest fuck up out there and that he would leave me, realize that I wasn’t worth it at all.” Jensen says, gasping, shocked that his thoughts were finally coming out of his heart and wondering why they were finally coming out.
“Jensen-“ Chris begins and Jensen stops him with a look and Chris stops speaking, bites his lip to stop the laughter from coming out. Jensen smiles before laying back down next to Jared and holding onto him.
When Danneel comes back, sans Sophia, and Jensen can hear the two talking but he’s too busy trying to not freak out about Jared, trying not to let anything get to him.
“Jensen, are you okay?” That’s Danneel and Jensen shakes his head, not wanting to talk at all, just wanting to make sure Jared’s safe and nothing bad is going to happen to this man. Not only that, but Jensen is going to make fucking sure that Jared is okay, that Jared is still loved by him. Jensen is going to make pretty damn sure that he gets back with Jared, loves Jared every day for the rest of the life that he has in him.
“Jensen, the ambulance is here,” Jensen nods and gets up, his face completely blank and impassive, not letting any of his emotions show through, even though he knows Chris and Danneel well enough that they know him well enough. They loop their arms through his and walk with him towards the ambulance and when they finally arrive at the ambulance, and Jensen sees Jared being boarded up in it, and walks right into the ambulance, not hearing any of the EMT’s telling him he should get out. He silences them with one look and sits next to Jared, holding his hand, finally breaking down and bawling his eyes out. He doesn’t want to lose the man he loves, not again.
Jensen’s busy sitting next to Jared, waiting for him to wake up, and needing to talk to him right away. He’s shaking, can’t stop and is reminded of when Jared was shaking while he was drunk and fuck, he just needs to talk to the man that he loves and tell him how fucking sorry he is. He runs his fingers through his hair and starts jigging his leg, thumping it up and down. All he wants is for Jared to fucking wake up and let him tell him how sorry he is. And he knows that he’s been repetitive but fuck, Jensen feels like he’s running out of time to tell Jared all of this, and he doesn’t like that feeling. He needs Jared to wake up, needs Jared like someone needs air. And damn it, he needs it really fucking quickly.
Sighing, Jensen takes a deep breath and folds his hands into one another, bringing them to his lips. He knows exactly what he wants to say but he’s not exactly sure if he should say it, and if he does, if Jared will hear him - or even fucking listen to him.
He sighs one more time before licking his lips and opening his mouth, ready to finally speak before he loses his nerve.
“Jared, god Jared,” He begins, his voice shaking.
“Jared, you have no idea how sorry I am. I know you think I’m a complete asshole for what I did to you - -hell, I think I’m a complete asshole for what I did to you. I could never forget how bad I hurt you Jared. Every day, it was all I could think about, thinking why I was I such an asshole to you, why did I try and prove to you that I wasn’t worthy of you. Because I’m not, Jared. You deserve so much better than me and it fucking kills me to think that, let alone to admit it to you because god help me, I still love you and I can only pray that you love me and would take me back but, god fucking damn it Jared, I hurt you bad and I don’t deserve a generous, kind soul like yourself. At all.” Jensen takes in a deep breath at this point, grabbing onto Jared’s hands in the hospital bed and squeezing them before breathing out, closing his eyes and licking his lips.
“When you asked me to pick you, chose you, love you, god I wanted to laugh; not because I wanted to be a cruel person but because I wanted to say yes. I wanted to say I was always going to pick you, chose you, love you, no matter who I was in a relationship. Every time I was with Jeff, I thought about you Jared, and I know that sounds fucking creepy and awkward, but it was always you Jared. Always. I thought about how I hurt you and how I wanted to take everything back. How I wanted to tell you how sorry I was, how incredibly sorry I was for ever hurting you the way I did.”
Jensen stops at that point, taking a gulp of air, wishing he had something to drink and quench his thirst. He knows that someone is behind him, watching and listening to him but he doesn’t care, not right now. He just needs to get everything off of his chest, needs for Jared to hear this somehow, even if he’s asleep. He takes in a deep breath, can smell Jared all around him and he starts crying, his eyes red and crusting from all of this shit. He tries to control his breathing, tries to remember the lessons he was taught after breaking up with Jared, breath in, count to 25 and then breathe out. Rinse and repeat.
After a few minutes, Jensen finally opens his eyes and squeezes Jared’s hands before deciding to continue his soliloquy.
“Jared, when you wake up because god damn it you will definitely wake up, but when you wake up, I’m going to make up all the pain I caused you - I’m going to fucking make it up to you because you don’t deserve to have this kind of pain, you don’t deserve to have your heart broken over and over again by me. I don’t deserve you, you deserve so much fucking better than me. I’ll always love you, Jared. Always. Even if you don’t love me ever again, or you don’t want to ever love me again. “ Jensen takes in a deep breath, can feel his lungs expanding.
“Jensen...” He turns his head around and notices Chad there, his arms crossed against his chest, his feet crossed in front of him and Jensen can feel his heartbeat become even more irregular. Chad is Jared’s best friend, his main best friend and Jensen knows that this whole time they’ve been at the cabin, running from each other, Jensen has been expecting Chad to come for him. And here they are, with Jensen biting his lip and looking down at his hands enclosed into Jared’s before sighing and looking back up at Chad.
“Are you going to finally chew me out, Chad?” He questions, shaking his head and wiping away the tears with the sleeves on his shirt.
“Nah, man. Contrary to a shit load of people’s beliefs, I’m not as stupid as everyone else thinks. Jared - you might have hurt him beyond relief but Jared will always love you Jensen.” Jensen head snaps up at that, his eyes open wide in shock, not believing a word that’s being said, not wanting to believe anything that’s being said because if he does believe what Chad is telling him, believing him will give him hope and Jensen does not deserve any kind of hope relating to Jared’s love for him. No hope at all because he doesn’t deserve it and doesn’t deserve Jared and everyone knows that to be true.
“Chad, Jared - I don’t deserve him at all, okay. I may - I may want him to love me again, I may be praying for him to love me again everyday for the rest of my god damn fucking love but you know something Chad? Even if Jared does forgive me for all of the shit I’ve put him through our entire relationship, I would still work a thousand million times harder to make sure he knew how much I loved him, how much I needed him to trust me, pick me-“
“Chose you, love you?” Chad interrupts and Jensen snorts, nodding his head, remembering the time Jared and he watched that episode of Grey’s Anatomy for the first time. He puts his head down and shakes it before standing up and stretching his bones. When he looks back down at Jared, he has a small sad smile on his face and he bites his lip.
“Chad-“
“Yeah man?” Jensen looks over towards the other man and looks back down again, sadness in his eyes that he hasn’t felt in a long time.
“I’ll always love him, Chad. Always. And the moment we met, I knew I loved him from the beginning of it. It was always different between us and I fucked that up and have no idea how to fix it. But even if it means never being with him again, I’ll do it, as long as he’s happy, Chad. Even if it means watching him fall in love with someone else, marry that someone else, have kids with that someone else, start a family with that someone else - no matter how much it pains me Chad, to watch all of that - if it makes Jared happy, one hundred percent happy, then I’ll sit back and watch. I’ll watch because I know that I’ll only be giving him more pain and I know he deserves better than me -“ Jensen stops, gasping in shock before looking at Chad with blurry eyes from the tears, sobs wracking his body.
“Chad, if Jared moves on, then all I can do is be happy for him. Because when you love someone, Because when you love someone, you don’t let them go hoping they’ll come back to you. You fucking fight for them until the end, until you can’t fight any more or until they can’t take you fighting for them anymore. And if that’s the case - if they can’t take you fighting for them, then you let them go, because you know you’ve done everything you can, the best you fucking could, to get that someone to be with you, to be happy with you. And it’ll just be a pointless mission, trying to get them to be happy with you when they’re happy with someone else.” Jensen finishes, his body tensing before he walks around Chad. When he’s out the door but nowhere out of the way, he looks back towards Jared and smiles.
“I gotta fight for him, Chad.”
Next Chapter