entry 074 - all summer long [11/14]
Title: All Summer Long
Author: jamie_love13
Beta-Edited: Madison, but not for this chapter
Pairings/Characters:
Word Count: 3,000 Words
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Jared can't stop doing the things he shouldn't be doing and fighting with Jensen. But will things get better?
Disclaimer: Definitely don't own.
Warnings: drunk!Jared, drug use, somewhat suicidal tendancies, swear words.
Notes: Aha, so I thought yesterday was Friday, not today. My bad. Anyways, I'll leave you guys waiting for the next chapter on Monday.Enjoy the cliffhanger. ;)
Previous Post | Masterpost
The party is loud, boisterous and definitely one of the best that Mike has ever thrown, which is actually very shocking for Jared. Then again, Jared is absolutely fucking shit-faced at this moment, so he shouldn’t really be liable to state how awesome this party is. Jared’s eyes are extremely glossy, red and absolutely dilated and if anyone that knew Jared walked by him and was able to take a proper look at him, they’d be completely shocked at what Jared is like at this moment. Not only that, but Jared, well Jared is being completely unlike himself and his friends, well, his friends are definitely worried about him. Jared seems to have gone off of the deep end, guzzling down drink after drink, whether it’s bourbon, scotch, whiskey , vodka or even the shitty female drinks that no male would willingly drink or even admit to drinking.
Not only that, but Jared is all over everyone. Well, more so than usual, at least. It’s like, like Jared is trying to replace Jensen and in order to do that, he needs to touch everyone. And why Jared is talking about himself, especially in third person, he has no idea but well, it’s true. The party is loud, boisterous and Jared is incredibly drunk and not wanting to feel so god damn alone in his life but well, yeah, that’s not fucking working is it.
He grabs another drink - a slippery nipple, he thinks - and makes his way towards the living room, sitting down next to Mike on the couch and grinning at him when Mike turns his head and stares at Jared like he’s never seen him before.
“Jay-“
“MIKE!” Jared screams, a little delayed, throwing his arms around Mike and squeezing him tightly, kissing the top of his shiny head, laughing at his reflection through it. He can see Mike grinning at him, even though he looks a little confused and it just causes Jared to giggle.
“Mike, do you have a joint on you?” Jared says, needing to get absolutely fucking more wasted than before. Mike turns towards Jared, a look of shock on his face. Jared’s not known for going around asking for doobies, since Jared is usually a very clean guy, usually not liking anyone using any kind of drug but turning a blind eye to those who do. Jared giggles one more time, tugging at Mike’s sleeve, his mouth in an open grin and man, Mike is just so confused.
“C’mon Mike, surely you’ve got some weed on you. Something hardcore, all edge no watery downed shit, alright?” Jared states while tugging at Mike and looping his arms around him and kissing his cheek. He hears Mike laugh and when he finally passes the joint to Jared, Jared squeals in happiness, clapping his hands and jumping up and down on the couch.
When he hears Mike laughing he looks towards him and smiles, a goofy smiling, before sticking himself to Mike’s side.
“Mike, you’ve got no idea how badly I need this,” Jared says, inhaling the joint and exhaling the smoke, closing his eyes in fucking happiness. He knows instantly that Mike is looking at him, a grin on his face so wide that Jared opens his eyes and smiles back at him, his brain fuzzy and happy and very content.
“Mike, seriously, thank you,” he whispers, taking another gulp of his drink before smoking the joint. Mike looks at him with confusion in his face, the grin fading as he realizes just what is going on in Jared’s head.
“Jared, you can’t keep doing this,” Mike says moving Jared’s hair out of his face and patting his cheek. Jared’s grin falls from his face and he takes another inhale of his joint and gulp of his drink before looking at Mike with a shine in his eyes.
“Is it so horrible that in order to feel something other than sadness, depression and heartbreak that I need to let go of all my inhibitions?” He speaks softly, taking another gulp of his drink and looking straight at Jensen, sighing before turning towards Mike. He notices Mike looking at him and he’s so sick of that fucking look that he can’t help but snort.
“Don’t give me that look Mike. Yes, I love him. Yes, I’ll never stop. Yes, he made the biggest mistake of his god damn fucking life letting me go,” Jared says, a force in his voice so shocking that everyone around them is looking at him, making him uncomfortable.
Mike nods his head before pouring some bourbon into Jared’s glass and Jared smiles at that, finishing off the joint and gulping the drink down quickly and letting the burn in his throat wake up his pain and when he stands up off the couch, steadying himself but standing, he turns to Mike, grins and holds his arms out wide before shouting to let the party finally start.
He makes his way around the place, taking in drink after drink, joint after joint, pill after pill, just letting the numbness that he’s been feeling overtake his emotions before drifting away, allowing the fact that he feels nothing leave his body for one of the last times.
He’s content - not happy, but certainly not fucking depressed - and he wants it to stay that way but he knows it never will. That, come the beginning of tomorrow morning, whilst he’s hungover and wishing he’d never drank so much or taken so many drugs the previous night, all those numbing emotions will come back to him at full force, hitting him like a freight train and making him wish that he was just dead, wishing that he was dead and not alone but dead all the same. That that freight train would hit him and all he would be able to think about is the fact that Jensen doesn’t love him anymore and if he doesn’t have that love, then he doesn’t have a reason to live anymore.
Sighing, Jared shakes his head, steadies his balance and heads towards the kitchen, grabbing the bottle of whiskey on the bottle, taking a swig from the bottle and then swallowing some pills that he had on him. His vision gets blurry and he can barely stand right now, but he’s giggling and laughing and he’s having some fucking fun, even though all of his friends are looking at him, wanting him to stop doing what he’s doing. Except, fuck them, Jared can’t help but think - he’s gone through so much shit this past year, and he just can’t take it anymore, especially this past month, so yes, he’s going to get shit-faced off of a multitude of alcohol, and drugs. He sits down on one of the stools in the kitchen, a grin on his face and he turns towards Danneel, who’s been pissed off at him and throws his arms around her.
“Hi, Dani!” He screams and he sees her flinch and hears her ask how much he’s taken but he’s too much on a high to let anything get to him and fuck, that’s a pretty awesome feeling.
Taking another gulp out of the whiskey bottle, Jared grins and doesn’t notice how it falls when he hears Jensen ask what the fuck he’s doing. He wants to growl but instead he snorts and takes another mouthful of pills, swallowing them down with more whiskey and he can hear Danneel sigh.
“Jared, enough.” He hears her say and instead of listening to her, he looks at her and arches his eyebrow.
“Hell no. I’m finally happy Dani. Can’t you be happy for me?” He grins, his body swaying as he stands up and heads towards the fridge, opening it and not finding anything he’s interested in. He turns around, a little too quickly and laughs before sitting down on the stool and grins over at Danneel, Sophia, Jensen - asshole - and basically everyone else. They’re basically all staring at him and it freaks him out but he knows that if he lets it get to him, they’ll all be right, and he’s not exactly in the mood to do that.
He looks over towards Jensen and snorts, and when Jensen looks up with a confused look, Jared can’t help but snort one more time and laugh.
“Why the fuck do I spend so much of my time wasting my breath on you?” He says, taking more gulps out of the bottle, letting the warm suffocate him. He can see Jensen’s eyes widen and he doesn’t stop, doesn’t know how to stop.
“Why the fuck do I keep doing this to myself, Jensen? Why the fuck do I keep asking myself to tell you, to fucking scream at you-“ Jared stops, his breathing heavy, his eyes heavy, before drinking the rest of the bottle and continuing.
“Chose me! Pick me! Love me!” Jared screams, taking a deep breath and opening another bottle and swallowing some more pills, and he can’t help but notice Jensen track that movement, and he snorts, bursting out into full blown giggles at him.
“I was so good to you Jensen. Jensen fucking Ross fucking Ackles, I was so fucking good to you and you fucking cheated on me.” He snorts, drinking some more and ignoring the shaking of his hands, steadying it and drinking even more. He can see Jensen tense and he just keeps taking more gulps out of his bottle, grinning and wanting to get the fuck away from the asshole.
“No, Jared.Thing is Jared, you were absolutely horrible to me. You never made me feel loved, always made me feel alone and unwanted,” Jensen says and Jared looks up, shock marring his features as the bottle falls from his hands, smashing onto the ground below him. He can feel the anger rushing through his body, his bloodstream, and his whole body is shaking, and he’s biting his lip, his fists clenched.
“That’s fucking bullshit, and you know it, Jensen Ackles,” He says, seething through his teeth, wanting to run away right now. He can see Jensen roll his eyes and he just wants to scream at the guy, wants to scream and scream until he’s blue in the face but he sits back and starts hyperventilating, hearing Jensen scream.
Jensen watches as Jared takes another drink from the medication bottle, and Jensen can’t help but get worried, can’t help but wonder if this is what everyone meant by progress. He sees Jared swaying constantly and god, he’s such an asshole because why on fucking hell did he say that Jared was horrible to him. It’s just, he can’t stop.
“You were a crappy boyfriend Jared, that’s why I cheated on you,” He says with venom in his voice and he notices when Jared flinches, notices that he’s shaking more and more. He sees Jared shaking his head, looking around and knows he’s looking for some more hardcore alcohol, which just causes him to snort.
“You’re worthless, Jared,” he says, his heart hurting with everything he’s saying but knowing, having come to a decision earlier on, that in order to get Jared to move on from him, he has to be as cruel as possible. He sees Jared flinch back, grabs another drink before glaring at Jensen and biting his lip before bursting.
“You have no idea, Jensen. You have no fucking clue!” Jared screams, curling into himself, shaking as he cries and wiping the tears away from his eyes at the same time. His fists are clenched and Jensen can see that their friends are all tense, waiting to pounce on Jared in case anything happens, and Jensen’s confused but he lets Jared talk.
“Right, because what happened to you after me was so horrible.” Jared screams at that and Jensen takes a step back, shock marring his features, as he’s never seen Jared like this, has only seen him happy and full of love and he just doesn’t know what to do.
“Everything I did Jensen, every fucking thing after you was so horrible. Even before you was so horrible!” Jared screams and Jensen bulks at that, knows that he tried his hardest to make Jared happy when they were together, knows that he was making Jared happy.
“What are you-“
“Jared, no!” That’s Danneel and Jensen just wants to slap her over the head, tell her to shut the fuck up and let this drunken mess of a Jared tell him everything that’s been hurting his soul. She notices his glare towards her and she glares back and for a minute, Jensen feels a pain of some kind of missing emotion for Danneel. Ever since he fucked up his relationship with Jared, Danneel and basically everyone else hasn’t talked to him much, hasn’t wanted to since he hurt Jared badly enough that his friends didn’t chose Jensen.
And then suddenly, Jensen is remembering Jared’s words of picking him, choosing him, loving him and god, isn’t that ironic, Jared screaming those three things to him, especially since they meant so much to the two of them, since it was their favourite fucking scene in the whole fucking show. Sighing, Jensen looks towards Jared and glares, making him want to finish.
“Did you know two weeks before I walked in on you fucking Jeff and enjoying it, he raped me? I bet you fucking didn’t Jensen, bet you didn’t fucking notice how depressed how I was becoming, how I needed you to be there for me, just fucking be there for me!” Jared screams, tears streaking down his cheeks, everyone gasping except Danneel and Sandy, making Jensen immediately know that they knew. He turns towards Jeff and sees his eyes shock and angered, sees him trying to slink away and all he wants to do is go over there and beat the living shit out of him but he realizes that he can’t, especially since Jared’s shouting some more and maybe Jensen should be fucking paying attention to these shouts.
“And then there the two of you are, fucking one another, him topping and god, that’s just the clincher, because it took you months for me to earn your trust for me to even suggest fucking topping and then there you are, letting some random fucking guy fucking fuck you, and you’re moaning like a fucking porn star and all I could think about was the fact that the guy that raped me is fucking you and you’re fucking enjoying it!” Jared screams and Jensen can feel the tears on his cheeks, can feel his heart beating furiously and fuck, he did mess up this whole thing, didn’t he? He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and when he opens them, looking straight into Jared’s, he takes a gulp and pleads with eyes for Jared to continue, even though he knows, fucking knows that he isn’t going to want to hear it.
“And then, a good week after you fucking left me, YOU FUCKING LEFT ME FOR HIM JENSEN! A week after, I couldn’t take it anymore, I couldn’t take the pain of my heart breaking, couldn’t take the pain of wondering WHAT THE FUCK I DID THAT WAS SO WRONG, THAT MADE YOU WANT TO CHEAT ON ME AFTER TEN FUCKING YEARS, couldn’t take the pain of you not being there. You weren’t there anymore Jensen, and I couldn’t do it. So you want to know what I did?” Jensen is openly crying now, not wanting to hear this at all but knowing he’s going to have so.
“I fucking grabbed a good bottle of alcohol, a good bottle of medication and swallowed every sip of booze with every pill in that bottle and waited, fucking waited for it to work and when it didn’t, I grabbed a fucking knife and slit my wrists so bad that blood was flowing freely. I wanted to fucking die. I did die. They had to resuscitate me twice. I just wanted to die without you, Jensen.” Jared shouts and Jensen looks down, tears falling down his cheeks as he realizes just how badly he fucked up the man he loves. He takes a deep breath and when he looks up towards Jared, he can see the younger man shaking, bawling his eyes out while looking at Jensen.
“I tried so hard to kill myself because I couldn’t imagine myself living without you and there you were, happy with the guy that ruined my life, that took away everything, literally. I couldn’t do it anymore. It was Danneel and Chris who found me, on the bed that we shared, bloody, bruised and blue, the air gone from my lungs. They tried for hours to make me breathe again, and when they finally called the cops, they were full of my blood, crying and screaming and shouting, wishing I hadn’t done anything. But I had, Jensen. I had killed myself because I couldn’t do it anymore.” Jared stops then, and Jensen licks his lips, his eyes blurry.
“Couldn’t do what, Jay?”
“I couldn’t pretend to be happy for you. I couldn’t pretend to be fine with my life, with everything going on around me. I needed an out and I fucking took it.” Jared’s openly crying now, shaking and he just wants to scream, just wants to let Jared go, but he never does know how to let the man he loves go.
“Damn Jay-“
“NO. You don’t - you don’t get to fucking call me that anymore, Jensen. You lost that ability when you cheated on me, and left me, and made me feel like I was nothing special. You made me feel like I was worthless, unwanted, unneeded, unloved-“ Jared stops, taking another swig.
“So, yeah Jensen, you don’t get to call me that anymore.” He says, turning around and beginning to walk away.
Jared feels dizzy, woozy, his eyesight is blurry and suddenly, everything turns to black.
Next Chapter
Author: jamie_love13
Beta-Edited: Madison, but not for this chapter
Pairings/Characters:
Word Count: 3,000 Words
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Jared can't stop doing the things he shouldn't be doing and fighting with Jensen. But will things get better?
Disclaimer: Definitely don't own.
Warnings: drunk!Jared, drug use, somewhat suicidal tendancies, swear words.
Notes: Aha, so I thought yesterday was Friday, not today. My bad. Anyways, I'll leave you guys waiting for the next chapter on Monday.Enjoy the cliffhanger. ;)
Previous Post | Masterpost
The party is loud, boisterous and definitely one of the best that Mike has ever thrown, which is actually very shocking for Jared. Then again, Jared is absolutely fucking shit-faced at this moment, so he shouldn’t really be liable to state how awesome this party is. Jared’s eyes are extremely glossy, red and absolutely dilated and if anyone that knew Jared walked by him and was able to take a proper look at him, they’d be completely shocked at what Jared is like at this moment. Not only that, but Jared, well Jared is being completely unlike himself and his friends, well, his friends are definitely worried about him. Jared seems to have gone off of the deep end, guzzling down drink after drink, whether it’s bourbon, scotch, whiskey , vodka or even the shitty female drinks that no male would willingly drink or even admit to drinking.
Not only that, but Jared is all over everyone. Well, more so than usual, at least. It’s like, like Jared is trying to replace Jensen and in order to do that, he needs to touch everyone. And why Jared is talking about himself, especially in third person, he has no idea but well, it’s true. The party is loud, boisterous and Jared is incredibly drunk and not wanting to feel so god damn alone in his life but well, yeah, that’s not fucking working is it.
He grabs another drink - a slippery nipple, he thinks - and makes his way towards the living room, sitting down next to Mike on the couch and grinning at him when Mike turns his head and stares at Jared like he’s never seen him before.
“Jay-“
“MIKE!” Jared screams, a little delayed, throwing his arms around Mike and squeezing him tightly, kissing the top of his shiny head, laughing at his reflection through it. He can see Mike grinning at him, even though he looks a little confused and it just causes Jared to giggle.
“Mike, do you have a joint on you?” Jared says, needing to get absolutely fucking more wasted than before. Mike turns towards Jared, a look of shock on his face. Jared’s not known for going around asking for doobies, since Jared is usually a very clean guy, usually not liking anyone using any kind of drug but turning a blind eye to those who do. Jared giggles one more time, tugging at Mike’s sleeve, his mouth in an open grin and man, Mike is just so confused.
“C’mon Mike, surely you’ve got some weed on you. Something hardcore, all edge no watery downed shit, alright?” Jared states while tugging at Mike and looping his arms around him and kissing his cheek. He hears Mike laugh and when he finally passes the joint to Jared, Jared squeals in happiness, clapping his hands and jumping up and down on the couch.
When he hears Mike laughing he looks towards him and smiles, a goofy smiling, before sticking himself to Mike’s side.
“Mike, you’ve got no idea how badly I need this,” Jared says, inhaling the joint and exhaling the smoke, closing his eyes in fucking happiness. He knows instantly that Mike is looking at him, a grin on his face so wide that Jared opens his eyes and smiles back at him, his brain fuzzy and happy and very content.
“Mike, seriously, thank you,” he whispers, taking another gulp of his drink before smoking the joint. Mike looks at him with confusion in his face, the grin fading as he realizes just what is going on in Jared’s head.
“Jared, you can’t keep doing this,” Mike says moving Jared’s hair out of his face and patting his cheek. Jared’s grin falls from his face and he takes another inhale of his joint and gulp of his drink before looking at Mike with a shine in his eyes.
“Is it so horrible that in order to feel something other than sadness, depression and heartbreak that I need to let go of all my inhibitions?” He speaks softly, taking another gulp of his drink and looking straight at Jensen, sighing before turning towards Mike. He notices Mike looking at him and he’s so sick of that fucking look that he can’t help but snort.
“Don’t give me that look Mike. Yes, I love him. Yes, I’ll never stop. Yes, he made the biggest mistake of his god damn fucking life letting me go,” Jared says, a force in his voice so shocking that everyone around them is looking at him, making him uncomfortable.
Mike nods his head before pouring some bourbon into Jared’s glass and Jared smiles at that, finishing off the joint and gulping the drink down quickly and letting the burn in his throat wake up his pain and when he stands up off the couch, steadying himself but standing, he turns to Mike, grins and holds his arms out wide before shouting to let the party finally start.
He makes his way around the place, taking in drink after drink, joint after joint, pill after pill, just letting the numbness that he’s been feeling overtake his emotions before drifting away, allowing the fact that he feels nothing leave his body for one of the last times.
He’s content - not happy, but certainly not fucking depressed - and he wants it to stay that way but he knows it never will. That, come the beginning of tomorrow morning, whilst he’s hungover and wishing he’d never drank so much or taken so many drugs the previous night, all those numbing emotions will come back to him at full force, hitting him like a freight train and making him wish that he was just dead, wishing that he was dead and not alone but dead all the same. That that freight train would hit him and all he would be able to think about is the fact that Jensen doesn’t love him anymore and if he doesn’t have that love, then he doesn’t have a reason to live anymore.
Sighing, Jared shakes his head, steadies his balance and heads towards the kitchen, grabbing the bottle of whiskey on the bottle, taking a swig from the bottle and then swallowing some pills that he had on him. His vision gets blurry and he can barely stand right now, but he’s giggling and laughing and he’s having some fucking fun, even though all of his friends are looking at him, wanting him to stop doing what he’s doing. Except, fuck them, Jared can’t help but think - he’s gone through so much shit this past year, and he just can’t take it anymore, especially this past month, so yes, he’s going to get shit-faced off of a multitude of alcohol, and drugs. He sits down on one of the stools in the kitchen, a grin on his face and he turns towards Danneel, who’s been pissed off at him and throws his arms around her.
“Hi, Dani!” He screams and he sees her flinch and hears her ask how much he’s taken but he’s too much on a high to let anything get to him and fuck, that’s a pretty awesome feeling.
Taking another gulp out of the whiskey bottle, Jared grins and doesn’t notice how it falls when he hears Jensen ask what the fuck he’s doing. He wants to growl but instead he snorts and takes another mouthful of pills, swallowing them down with more whiskey and he can hear Danneel sigh.
“Jared, enough.” He hears her say and instead of listening to her, he looks at her and arches his eyebrow.
“Hell no. I’m finally happy Dani. Can’t you be happy for me?” He grins, his body swaying as he stands up and heads towards the fridge, opening it and not finding anything he’s interested in. He turns around, a little too quickly and laughs before sitting down on the stool and grins over at Danneel, Sophia, Jensen - asshole - and basically everyone else. They’re basically all staring at him and it freaks him out but he knows that if he lets it get to him, they’ll all be right, and he’s not exactly in the mood to do that.
He looks over towards Jensen and snorts, and when Jensen looks up with a confused look, Jared can’t help but snort one more time and laugh.
“Why the fuck do I spend so much of my time wasting my breath on you?” He says, taking more gulps out of the bottle, letting the warm suffocate him. He can see Jensen’s eyes widen and he doesn’t stop, doesn’t know how to stop.
“Why the fuck do I keep doing this to myself, Jensen? Why the fuck do I keep asking myself to tell you, to fucking scream at you-“ Jared stops, his breathing heavy, his eyes heavy, before drinking the rest of the bottle and continuing.
“Chose me! Pick me! Love me!” Jared screams, taking a deep breath and opening another bottle and swallowing some more pills, and he can’t help but notice Jensen track that movement, and he snorts, bursting out into full blown giggles at him.
“I was so good to you Jensen. Jensen fucking Ross fucking Ackles, I was so fucking good to you and you fucking cheated on me.” He snorts, drinking some more and ignoring the shaking of his hands, steadying it and drinking even more. He can see Jensen tense and he just keeps taking more gulps out of his bottle, grinning and wanting to get the fuck away from the asshole.
“No, Jared.Thing is Jared, you were absolutely horrible to me. You never made me feel loved, always made me feel alone and unwanted,” Jensen says and Jared looks up, shock marring his features as the bottle falls from his hands, smashing onto the ground below him. He can feel the anger rushing through his body, his bloodstream, and his whole body is shaking, and he’s biting his lip, his fists clenched.
“That’s fucking bullshit, and you know it, Jensen Ackles,” He says, seething through his teeth, wanting to run away right now. He can see Jensen roll his eyes and he just wants to scream at the guy, wants to scream and scream until he’s blue in the face but he sits back and starts hyperventilating, hearing Jensen scream.
Jensen watches as Jared takes another drink from the medication bottle, and Jensen can’t help but get worried, can’t help but wonder if this is what everyone meant by progress. He sees Jared swaying constantly and god, he’s such an asshole because why on fucking hell did he say that Jared was horrible to him. It’s just, he can’t stop.
“You were a crappy boyfriend Jared, that’s why I cheated on you,” He says with venom in his voice and he notices when Jared flinches, notices that he’s shaking more and more. He sees Jared shaking his head, looking around and knows he’s looking for some more hardcore alcohol, which just causes him to snort.
“You’re worthless, Jared,” he says, his heart hurting with everything he’s saying but knowing, having come to a decision earlier on, that in order to get Jared to move on from him, he has to be as cruel as possible. He sees Jared flinch back, grabs another drink before glaring at Jensen and biting his lip before bursting.
“You have no idea, Jensen. You have no fucking clue!” Jared screams, curling into himself, shaking as he cries and wiping the tears away from his eyes at the same time. His fists are clenched and Jensen can see that their friends are all tense, waiting to pounce on Jared in case anything happens, and Jensen’s confused but he lets Jared talk.
“Right, because what happened to you after me was so horrible.” Jared screams at that and Jensen takes a step back, shock marring his features, as he’s never seen Jared like this, has only seen him happy and full of love and he just doesn’t know what to do.
“Everything I did Jensen, every fucking thing after you was so horrible. Even before you was so horrible!” Jared screams and Jensen bulks at that, knows that he tried his hardest to make Jared happy when they were together, knows that he was making Jared happy.
“What are you-“
“Jared, no!” That’s Danneel and Jensen just wants to slap her over the head, tell her to shut the fuck up and let this drunken mess of a Jared tell him everything that’s been hurting his soul. She notices his glare towards her and she glares back and for a minute, Jensen feels a pain of some kind of missing emotion for Danneel. Ever since he fucked up his relationship with Jared, Danneel and basically everyone else hasn’t talked to him much, hasn’t wanted to since he hurt Jared badly enough that his friends didn’t chose Jensen.
And then suddenly, Jensen is remembering Jared’s words of picking him, choosing him, loving him and god, isn’t that ironic, Jared screaming those three things to him, especially since they meant so much to the two of them, since it was their favourite fucking scene in the whole fucking show. Sighing, Jensen looks towards Jared and glares, making him want to finish.
“Did you know two weeks before I walked in on you fucking Jeff and enjoying it, he raped me? I bet you fucking didn’t Jensen, bet you didn’t fucking notice how depressed how I was becoming, how I needed you to be there for me, just fucking be there for me!” Jared screams, tears streaking down his cheeks, everyone gasping except Danneel and Sandy, making Jensen immediately know that they knew. He turns towards Jeff and sees his eyes shock and angered, sees him trying to slink away and all he wants to do is go over there and beat the living shit out of him but he realizes that he can’t, especially since Jared’s shouting some more and maybe Jensen should be fucking paying attention to these shouts.
“And then there the two of you are, fucking one another, him topping and god, that’s just the clincher, because it took you months for me to earn your trust for me to even suggest fucking topping and then there you are, letting some random fucking guy fucking fuck you, and you’re moaning like a fucking porn star and all I could think about was the fact that the guy that raped me is fucking you and you’re fucking enjoying it!” Jared screams and Jensen can feel the tears on his cheeks, can feel his heart beating furiously and fuck, he did mess up this whole thing, didn’t he? He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and when he opens them, looking straight into Jared’s, he takes a gulp and pleads with eyes for Jared to continue, even though he knows, fucking knows that he isn’t going to want to hear it.
“And then, a good week after you fucking left me, YOU FUCKING LEFT ME FOR HIM JENSEN! A week after, I couldn’t take it anymore, I couldn’t take the pain of my heart breaking, couldn’t take the pain of wondering WHAT THE FUCK I DID THAT WAS SO WRONG, THAT MADE YOU WANT TO CHEAT ON ME AFTER TEN FUCKING YEARS, couldn’t take the pain of you not being there. You weren’t there anymore Jensen, and I couldn’t do it. So you want to know what I did?” Jensen is openly crying now, not wanting to hear this at all but knowing he’s going to have so.
“I fucking grabbed a good bottle of alcohol, a good bottle of medication and swallowed every sip of booze with every pill in that bottle and waited, fucking waited for it to work and when it didn’t, I grabbed a fucking knife and slit my wrists so bad that blood was flowing freely. I wanted to fucking die. I did die. They had to resuscitate me twice. I just wanted to die without you, Jensen.” Jared shouts and Jensen looks down, tears falling down his cheeks as he realizes just how badly he fucked up the man he loves. He takes a deep breath and when he looks up towards Jared, he can see the younger man shaking, bawling his eyes out while looking at Jensen.
“I tried so hard to kill myself because I couldn’t imagine myself living without you and there you were, happy with the guy that ruined my life, that took away everything, literally. I couldn’t do it anymore. It was Danneel and Chris who found me, on the bed that we shared, bloody, bruised and blue, the air gone from my lungs. They tried for hours to make me breathe again, and when they finally called the cops, they were full of my blood, crying and screaming and shouting, wishing I hadn’t done anything. But I had, Jensen. I had killed myself because I couldn’t do it anymore.” Jared stops then, and Jensen licks his lips, his eyes blurry.
“Couldn’t do what, Jay?”
“I couldn’t pretend to be happy for you. I couldn’t pretend to be fine with my life, with everything going on around me. I needed an out and I fucking took it.” Jared’s openly crying now, shaking and he just wants to scream, just wants to let Jared go, but he never does know how to let the man he loves go.
“Damn Jay-“
“NO. You don’t - you don’t get to fucking call me that anymore, Jensen. You lost that ability when you cheated on me, and left me, and made me feel like I was nothing special. You made me feel like I was worthless, unwanted, unneeded, unloved-“ Jared stops, taking another swig.
“So, yeah Jensen, you don’t get to call me that anymore.” He says, turning around and beginning to walk away.
Jared feels dizzy, woozy, his eyesight is blurry and suddenly, everything turns to black.
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