(no subject)
I'm starting to notice I'm self sabotaging. I try so hard to fit into a group of people I will never be like. I was never a bad ass, or a rebel. I never did anything to rebel other than cut myself. I was a depressed child with problems, and anxiety I still carry.
I never liked Ren and Stimpy, or Rockos Modern Life. I liked barbie, and mermaids, and Disney movies about falling in love. I wasn't ever into pot, and completely despise it to this day. I don't ever want to try a drug just to say I did it. I was never addicted to anything. I didn't actually smoke cigarettes, I pretended to to be cool and fit in with this group, and when I saw it was stupid and hurting me I stopped. I don't sleep around, or jump from partner to partner/relationship to relationship.
I want to be a good friend, be appreciated for all the love I try to give out and show, but I feel like I have to put on this face for people, this bitch who is sassy because if I was to ever show how soft I really am, I would be alone in no time flat. I know people can't handle how emotional I am. People can't handle all the doubt I have, or how clingy I actually could be. I've fixed myself to be more accepted, but in the end I'm not happy.
There are always positives and negatives to everyone.
You showed me such kindness, and a weak spot in your normally strong personality, and for that I grew attached and now I fear I am too attached and its freaking you out. I feel like you don't actually want me around you half the time. I feel like I have to be some bitch and be rude and hurtful in a joking way to fit in. Sometimes the things you say really hurt me. If only you knew how much the teasing actually hurt me maybe you'd stop. I don't feel like I fit in when you pick on me. Have I become the new scapegoat? You say you love me, but if I told you that only a few days ago I thought I wanted to date you, that you would make me happy, what would you have said?
Just something I wanted to get off my chest there.
I don't feel like I fit in though. Like there is this piece of glass separating me. I'm not a bad ass, I'm a goody goody and sometimes I feel like I should feel ashamed for it. I want to teasing to stop, even if its playful. But I know if I said anything, you would walk on eggshells for me, and then no one would be happy.
I walk away from every group hangout feeling like I terrible person. Feeling like I crossed lines just to fit in. I'm not always a bitch. I'm honest yes, which can come off as being a bitch, but I'm not a bitch. I feel like after all is said, the true good person in me got clogged by some horrible thing I've replaced myself with just to fit in.
Honestly, I just am sick of being picked on. It makes me feel like an outcast. Like I really am some sick freak who no one could actually be with.
I never liked Ren and Stimpy, or Rockos Modern Life. I liked barbie, and mermaids, and Disney movies about falling in love. I wasn't ever into pot, and completely despise it to this day. I don't ever want to try a drug just to say I did it. I was never addicted to anything. I didn't actually smoke cigarettes, I pretended to to be cool and fit in with this group, and when I saw it was stupid and hurting me I stopped. I don't sleep around, or jump from partner to partner/relationship to relationship.
I want to be a good friend, be appreciated for all the love I try to give out and show, but I feel like I have to put on this face for people, this bitch who is sassy because if I was to ever show how soft I really am, I would be alone in no time flat. I know people can't handle how emotional I am. People can't handle all the doubt I have, or how clingy I actually could be. I've fixed myself to be more accepted, but in the end I'm not happy.
There are always positives and negatives to everyone.
You showed me such kindness, and a weak spot in your normally strong personality, and for that I grew attached and now I fear I am too attached and its freaking you out. I feel like you don't actually want me around you half the time. I feel like I have to be some bitch and be rude and hurtful in a joking way to fit in. Sometimes the things you say really hurt me. If only you knew how much the teasing actually hurt me maybe you'd stop. I don't feel like I fit in when you pick on me. Have I become the new scapegoat? You say you love me, but if I told you that only a few days ago I thought I wanted to date you, that you would make me happy, what would you have said?
Just something I wanted to get off my chest there.
I don't feel like I fit in though. Like there is this piece of glass separating me. I'm not a bad ass, I'm a goody goody and sometimes I feel like I should feel ashamed for it. I want to teasing to stop, even if its playful. But I know if I said anything, you would walk on eggshells for me, and then no one would be happy.
I walk away from every group hangout feeling like I terrible person. Feeling like I crossed lines just to fit in. I'm not always a bitch. I'm honest yes, which can come off as being a bitch, but I'm not a bitch. I feel like after all is said, the true good person in me got clogged by some horrible thing I've replaced myself with just to fit in.
Honestly, I just am sick of being picked on. It makes me feel like an outcast. Like I really am some sick freak who no one could actually be with.