(no subject)
into a YAWNING chasm, my previous eight to nine months have disappeared. i feel LIKE YARN. in his blog post. almost exactly. but now, or at least two months ago... i got my life back. it was delivered abruptly... shoved back in a way. but ALWAYS waiting to happen. it is a life as free as i was in junior college and it is even.... something more.. and so i think its also safe to say that my eight to nine months have been super great.
okay, i feel jaws dropping everywhere. okay. do not shun me now, im not a brainwashed product of the army. im quite sure im my normal self. or maybe ive changed. hrm...
right after i commissioned, and endured the hellish initiation that my well-known 'hell battalion' provided.. in my subconscious was a voice saying ... and here we go again... maybe some background info... for those who know me, im a minimalist. and somewhat of a proud minimalist... so i guess the fact that i was going to do alot of extra work did not particularly evoke fond feelings in me...
but i guess right after i did commission i was filled with some sort of freedom some sort of liberation... and a desire to lead. (such a weird thing coming out of my mouth.. but yeah. weirdddddddddddddddddddddddd) and lastly, i think it was a desire to be proud again.
so i think its safe to say that i entered the battalion with these mixed mixed feelings.
as time went by and exercises piled up like MAD.. i think in the smokey ashes of those exercises i have found a group of friends in my battalion... people that did not go through ocs with me but somehow i could interact with them better than my own ocs mates. i found a tight tight department that is super tight (for a lack of a better word). all my friends are straightforward, funny and genuine. if they are going to stab you, it would be in the front and not the back. but it would be hard too. my own superiors were all like that. straightforward and blunt. and that was something i valued alot. and it was also probably why i really didnt enjoy ocs. they were just so many wayangs that i HAD to offend. and wayangs come in HERDS and there were too many people who just didnt like me for who i was. which could be quite bastardly. but i guess i more or less had to be who i was. it was SOM THIS SOH THAT. and to be honest... i was just totally switched off from that. i really wanted to do my time and move on. well...to be honest, i think im a bit different from the person i was in ocs. i sorta do things that are out of the way and i think i left myself sort of vulnerable to people. something i wasnt in ocs. i played my cards totally untactically and somehow i was rewarded.
i think ive learnt alot about myself in ocs. all the ugliest parts of me... ALL squeezed into nine months... and to honest, it was really bad. i was revolted with myself...but i think this period in my battalion showed me the good parts. or at least i hope. i sort of got my old self back. back from the gutters of ocs. i showed a certain flexibility when it came to rules. i wasnt afraid to fight back when i needed to. i wasnt afraid to throw myself into situations. maybe this is all because ns has no bearing on my life... i always tell my guys... being in ns, you are like a suicide bomber. do what you think is right no MATTER the consequences. and in a way, i totally was. and loving it. i think, ironically, i could totally be myself in army. and be the person that i wanted to be and not have any consequences.
the exercises that i went through all taught me something. i got to do ndp. which to be honest was HELLISH but extremely rewarding. i get to see the inner workings of how regulars organise and work due to my specific role which placed me on a higher estab. and i got to go overseas and go through a good time with my guys. so yeah.. i really think it went at smooth as it could have. i could find time... in the last two months to go out with friends whenever i wanted and STILL get the job done. so yea. im not sure about the rest of my peers but im doing quite okay... lol.
i remember asking greg recently ... does being a officer make you a leader. he told me, no it doesnt. i agreed with him. i asked him.. am I a leader? he said no. you are a manager. the army made you so. you have no overarching vision that will move people to follow you. and i think to myself.. ive never been the leader type. always been the anti-leader in a way... but i do enjoy this role as a pseudo-leader/manager.
and despite how much i begrudge the ocs experience, i dont think i would have wanted it any other way. i think being an officer is great. you feel like you can DO something, and in a way, you do. you feel in a way, proud. i think a proud minimalist is an accurate description of me. i WANT my work to be up to mark but i dont want to do more than i should. and i think people appreciate that in my battalion and i guess appreciate that i do put in effort. i guess for me, pride is the sole thing that makes me tick. i want to be a good officer because i can feel proud of myself. i want my superiors to think... hey. hes good. i want my friends to think im a good friend to have..i want my men to be proud so they can be proud of themselves
and maybe... a little proud of me.
okay, i feel jaws dropping everywhere. okay. do not shun me now, im not a brainwashed product of the army. im quite sure im my normal self. or maybe ive changed. hrm...
right after i commissioned, and endured the hellish initiation that my well-known 'hell battalion' provided.. in my subconscious was a voice saying ... and here we go again... maybe some background info... for those who know me, im a minimalist. and somewhat of a proud minimalist... so i guess the fact that i was going to do alot of extra work did not particularly evoke fond feelings in me...
but i guess right after i did commission i was filled with some sort of freedom some sort of liberation... and a desire to lead. (such a weird thing coming out of my mouth.. but yeah. weirdddddddddddddddddddddddd) and lastly, i think it was a desire to be proud again.
so i think its safe to say that i entered the battalion with these mixed mixed feelings.
as time went by and exercises piled up like MAD.. i think in the smokey ashes of those exercises i have found a group of friends in my battalion... people that did not go through ocs with me but somehow i could interact with them better than my own ocs mates. i found a tight tight department that is super tight (for a lack of a better word). all my friends are straightforward, funny and genuine. if they are going to stab you, it would be in the front and not the back. but it would be hard too. my own superiors were all like that. straightforward and blunt. and that was something i valued alot. and it was also probably why i really didnt enjoy ocs. they were just so many wayangs that i HAD to offend. and wayangs come in HERDS and there were too many people who just didnt like me for who i was. which could be quite bastardly. but i guess i more or less had to be who i was. it was SOM THIS SOH THAT. and to be honest... i was just totally switched off from that. i really wanted to do my time and move on. well...to be honest, i think im a bit different from the person i was in ocs. i sorta do things that are out of the way and i think i left myself sort of vulnerable to people. something i wasnt in ocs. i played my cards totally untactically and somehow i was rewarded.
i think ive learnt alot about myself in ocs. all the ugliest parts of me... ALL squeezed into nine months... and to honest, it was really bad. i was revolted with myself...but i think this period in my battalion showed me the good parts. or at least i hope. i sort of got my old self back. back from the gutters of ocs. i showed a certain flexibility when it came to rules. i wasnt afraid to fight back when i needed to. i wasnt afraid to throw myself into situations. maybe this is all because ns has no bearing on my life... i always tell my guys... being in ns, you are like a suicide bomber. do what you think is right no MATTER the consequences. and in a way, i totally was. and loving it. i think, ironically, i could totally be myself in army. and be the person that i wanted to be and not have any consequences.
the exercises that i went through all taught me something. i got to do ndp. which to be honest was HELLISH but extremely rewarding. i get to see the inner workings of how regulars organise and work due to my specific role which placed me on a higher estab. and i got to go overseas and go through a good time with my guys. so yeah.. i really think it went at smooth as it could have. i could find time... in the last two months to go out with friends whenever i wanted and STILL get the job done. so yea. im not sure about the rest of my peers but im doing quite okay... lol.
i remember asking greg recently ... does being a officer make you a leader. he told me, no it doesnt. i agreed with him. i asked him.. am I a leader? he said no. you are a manager. the army made you so. you have no overarching vision that will move people to follow you. and i think to myself.. ive never been the leader type. always been the anti-leader in a way... but i do enjoy this role as a pseudo-leader/manager.
and despite how much i begrudge the ocs experience, i dont think i would have wanted it any other way. i think being an officer is great. you feel like you can DO something, and in a way, you do. you feel in a way, proud. i think a proud minimalist is an accurate description of me. i WANT my work to be up to mark but i dont want to do more than i should. and i think people appreciate that in my battalion and i guess appreciate that i do put in effort. i guess for me, pride is the sole thing that makes me tick. i want to be a good officer because i can feel proud of myself. i want my superiors to think... hey. hes good. i want my friends to think im a good friend to have..i want my men to be proud so they can be proud of themselves
and maybe... a little proud of me.