What the hell is wrong with me?
Hmm, as usual it has been a while since I have written in here and as usual it is only in one of those moments that I want to cry. God I hate these moments. Anyone reading this might have noticed that I don't like to appear vulnerable. I really don't. Who does? And where does the vulnerability stem from? Where else? Girls.
I hate that I haven't even really tried and I am already counting on nothing happening with Molly which sucks because she is absolutely terrific. But at least I can 80% guarantee that she isn't going to say, "Hey, guess what! I am incredibly attracted to your brother Matt." Awesome, like the last 3 girls have said that to me.
Is there something stamped on my forehead that says, "Yo, sup, my name is Land. I think I'm a pretty nice guy with a great sense of humor, but there is something about me that just screams 'Not Dating Material' so you might as well not even bother?"
That's how I feel. Some how I manage to just LAUNCH myself into the friend zone without even trying. I don't get it. I'm fun. I know how to have fun. Despite what I jokingly tell people I am actually a pretty decent guy. Sure I am prone to make fun of people but I do believe I have worked on my delivery and have gotten to the point where everyone knows that I am joking.
Do you want to know what the really FUCKED up part is though? Yes I am frustrated with being single...yes I am getting depressed by my apparent inability to find a decent girl who is interested in me...yes I am slowly getting back to that point where I was slamming my head into doors and walls and various hard objects...but the FUCKED up part is that I am okay with that? Like, I have gotten used to being unhappy in those lonely night hours when I am sitting alone in my room. And I have been in this state for so long that I don't see me leaving this particular rut anytime soon.
And people will tell me to stop whining and help myself. To get out and meet new people. To stop focusing on the bad. Try to be positive...blah blah blah. How many people actually know that I feel like this? Matt does. Because Matt's awesome. I asked him today if he was bothered by the amount of bitching I do and, God bless him, he said no. Matt has always been there for me if I've needed to vent lately and I love him for that.
Well we have passed the moment that I wanted to cry because I am actually crying...awesome...go me...rah rah rah. Molly sort of knows because she asks questions and I am not a liar. It's a horrid lose lose situation for me. Either she thinks I am pathetic whiner and isn't interested or tries to help me and isn't interested.
What's not horrid is me living in the house. Probably the only reason I am not an alcoholic. If I didn't live in the house I would be drinking a lot. An unbelievable amount. It's silly. Kelsey and I had quite a talk this evening. Not really about much, just sort of shooting the shit. I am pretty sure she still has no idea that I was going to ask her out. Probably try to keep it that way. Otherwise things would be awkward...and I hate awkward. My life is very awkward right now...I hate my life.
I hate that I haven't even really tried and I am already counting on nothing happening with Molly which sucks because she is absolutely terrific. But at least I can 80% guarantee that she isn't going to say, "Hey, guess what! I am incredibly attracted to your brother Matt." Awesome, like the last 3 girls have said that to me.
Is there something stamped on my forehead that says, "Yo, sup, my name is Land. I think I'm a pretty nice guy with a great sense of humor, but there is something about me that just screams 'Not Dating Material' so you might as well not even bother?"
That's how I feel. Some how I manage to just LAUNCH myself into the friend zone without even trying. I don't get it. I'm fun. I know how to have fun. Despite what I jokingly tell people I am actually a pretty decent guy. Sure I am prone to make fun of people but I do believe I have worked on my delivery and have gotten to the point where everyone knows that I am joking.
Do you want to know what the really FUCKED up part is though? Yes I am frustrated with being single...yes I am getting depressed by my apparent inability to find a decent girl who is interested in me...yes I am slowly getting back to that point where I was slamming my head into doors and walls and various hard objects...but the FUCKED up part is that I am okay with that? Like, I have gotten used to being unhappy in those lonely night hours when I am sitting alone in my room. And I have been in this state for so long that I don't see me leaving this particular rut anytime soon.
And people will tell me to stop whining and help myself. To get out and meet new people. To stop focusing on the bad. Try to be positive...blah blah blah. How many people actually know that I feel like this? Matt does. Because Matt's awesome. I asked him today if he was bothered by the amount of bitching I do and, God bless him, he said no. Matt has always been there for me if I've needed to vent lately and I love him for that.
Well we have passed the moment that I wanted to cry because I am actually crying...awesome...go me...rah rah rah. Molly sort of knows because she asks questions and I am not a liar. It's a horrid lose lose situation for me. Either she thinks I am pathetic whiner and isn't interested or tries to help me and isn't interested.
What's not horrid is me living in the house. Probably the only reason I am not an alcoholic. If I didn't live in the house I would be drinking a lot. An unbelievable amount. It's silly. Kelsey and I had quite a talk this evening. Not really about much, just sort of shooting the shit. I am pretty sure she still has no idea that I was going to ask her out. Probably try to keep it that way. Otherwise things would be awkward...and I hate awkward. My life is very awkward right now...I hate my life.