SIRENS OF SKINAMAX: JULIE STRAIN
Julie Strain is one of B-Moviedom’s beloved beautiful big-breasted actresses. The statuesque Strain first came to fame as the Penthouse Pet of 1993 before making a big splash in exploitation and Skinamax films. This week we’ll be reviewing three films from her many collaborations with the legendary Andy Sidaris.
Our first film is…
FIT TO KILL (1993) ***
Anyone who has ever wondered what makes Andy Sidaris movies special need only look at the first scene of Fit to Kill. It encompasses all of Andy’s trademarks. Chicks under waterfalls, hot babes with guns, and remote control helicopters blowing shit up. It’s got enough stuff going on to compare it to the opening of a Bond movie.
Speaking of Bond, Roger Moore’s son R.J. stars as the villain, Kane. He’s after a prized Russian diamond and naturally Donna (Donna Speir) and Nicole (Roberta Vasquez) want to bring him down. When another villain tries to get his hands on it, Kane and Donna find themselves unlikely allies.
Fit to Kill is a solid Sidaris flick. Like Andy’s best work, the film features beautiful women being strong and resourceful and empowering themselves by using sex as a weapon. The guys in the cast can’t shoot straight and are basically used as a piece of meat to satisfy the women.
This was Julie Strain’s first Sidaris movie. She gets a great intro too. When we first see her, she’s wearing an impossibly teeny bikini while doing yoga at sunset. Afterwards, Julie grabs a gun and removes her top for no good reason whatsoever. Then there’s the legendary scene where Strain gets fucked on a boat by the captain, whom she calls a “naughty nautical boy”. Then while she’s having an orgasm, she yells out, “Anchors aweigh!” A classic Andy Sidaris moment if there ever was one.
Like many Sidaris movies, Fit to Kill gets intermittently bogged down whenever the T & A & G (Tits and Ass and Guns) aren’t on display. On top of that, there are flashbacks to Hard Hunted and WWII newsreel footage to help pad out the running time. But if you’re a die hard Sidaris fan like I am, these quibbles will ultimately be meaningless.
If we’re grading Fit to Kill on the usual Skinamax Scale, it stacks up fairly well. There are six Guy on Girl scenes (including a fantasy sequence where R.J. Moore gets to emulate his old man), one Gratuitous Wardrobe Change, and one Topless Photo Shoot. That works out to be a sex or nude scene about every eleven minutes or so.
And Sidaris’ dialogue is in top form. My favorite line came from Kane’s bumbling henchmen who say, “We just got out of the State Pen… err… Penn State!”
Our next Strain/Sidaris collaboration is…
THE DALLAS CONNECTION (1994) ***
Julie Strain stars as an assassin named Black Widow. If you can’t guess from her name, she kills her targets after fucking them. If you can’t already tell, this is a great premise for an Andy Sidaris Tits and Guns Movie.
Anyway, Black Widow, Cobra (Julie K. Smith), and Scorpion (Wendy Hamilton) go around killing a bunch of scientists associated with a new weapons satellite. The assassins hide out as dancers in a Texas nightclub where there is a LOT of country line dancing. Naturally, Bruce Penhall and his team of hot babes have to stop them.
The presence of Sidaris regulars Dona Spier and Roberta Vasquez is missed but Julie Strain is more than enough of a woman to fill their shoes. As an added bonus, we’ve also got Julie K. Smith on hand for added umm… support. Julie K. is pretty great in this flick and gets a hot fuck scene in a Jacuzzi.
Speaking of which, the sex scenes in The Dallas Connection are rather copious. We get seven Guy on Girl scenes, one Gratuitous Undressing Scene, one Shower scene, one Nightclub Striptease, and one Dinner Table Fantasy Sequence. That means there’s some hot action about every eight minutes or so. I do have to caution you that some of the sex scenes are so brief that they probably shouldn’t count. But since I like the Sidarises and their proven business plan, I’ll let it slide.
Like most of these things, there are a bunch of lulls in between the action. Then again, that was perfect for late night cable back in the day. It gave you a chance to go to the bathroom, grab a beer, or something in between the sex scenes, so I don’t really mind the slow spots in Sidaris’ films.
Andy was only an executive producer on this one but his son Drew does a fine job behind the camera. He gives the public what they want: Hot girls, big guns, and remote control cars blowing shit up. He also adds some new things of his own like exploding golf balls to the mix and directs a good Kung Fu fight in a gym too.
Drew also wrote the script and he really knows how to write dialogue like, “I want to suck the polish off your toes!” There’s also a great scene where Strain kills her lover and then says, “Damn you were good… but then again, so was I!” My favorite exchange came when Scorpion came onto a guy and he said, “I’m kinda involved”, to which she replied, “How would you like to get involved with THESE?” and popped her top. That’s vintage Sidaris right there.
And our final Strain film is…
RETURN TO SAVAGE BEACH (1998) ***
Return to Savage Beach was the final film made by the legendary Andy Sidaris and it’s a good send-off. It acknowledges a lot of the films that came before it via returning characters and/or references to previous films. Not only does the movie act as a sequel to Savage Beach, it’s also a continuation of Sidaris’ previous film, Day of the Warrior. (The flick contains flashbacks to both films.)
The plot of this one has Julie Strain and her L.E.T.H.A.L. team trying to find a cache of gold. Does it matter? Didn’t think so. As long as it features chicks getting naked and blowing stuff up with remote controlled cars, it’s all good in my book.
All of Andy Sidaris’ Tits and Guns Movies owe a debt to the James Bond films. Return to Savage Beach is no different. It even features a rather catchy James Bondish theme song that I’m sure will stick in your head for days.
Julie Strain once again looks really hot but unfortunately her character never really does anything except lounge around and issue orders. Julie K. Smith gets a little bit more to do and gets naked a lot though. And I’ve got to tell you, she has never looked better. Shae Marks is also really hot in this. Boy does she have a huge rack on her. Every time she arrives on screen with her cleavage hanging out, you just have to say “Goddamn”. Carrie Westcott was also looking good as the sexy pizza delivery girl dressed in latex on rollerblades. And fans of Sidaris’ films will also enjoy seeing Ava Cadell once again too.
As far as the guys are concerned, Sidaris regular Rodrigo Obregon is also back as the villain who wears a Phantom of the Opera mask. He also dresses like Zorro for one of his sex scenes, which is pretty awesome. Wrestler Buff Bagwell returns as well as “Warrior”, who is now apparently a good guy. (Don’t you just love how people change their allegiances in these movies?) Buff gets a great sex scene with Strain where he checks himself out in the mirror before getting it on with her underneath a waterfall.
And while we’re on the subject of sex, Return to Savage Beach has some pretty impressive Skinamax Stats too. There are FOUR Gratuitous Wardrobe Changes (which I believe may be a record for a Sidaris flick), five Guy on Girl scenes, one Striptease Scene, and one Topless Snorkeling Sequence (which is probably one of the finest Topless Snorkeling Sequences ever filmed).
If Andy’s movies have a fault it’s that their mostly interchangeable. The way you can tell Return to Savage Beach apart from the others is that there’s a remote controlled tank in this one. (His other flicks feature remote controlled planes, helicopters, cars, and boats.)
Another flaw to Sidaris’ work is that although they’re always entertaining, they are never really go-for-broke crazy either. (Hard Ticket to Hawaii came close though with the immortal Cancer Snake Popping Out of the Toilet scene.) The nuttiest part of Return to Savage Beach is the bulletproof medallion scene. Admittedly, it’s not that crazy, but it is good for a laugh. Also, I’m afraid the flick gets a little talky at the end. I can’t complain too much though because the flick is still fun as Hell.
As always, the signature SIdaris dialogue is top notch. While there are so many classics to choose from (like “This assignment has aroused my basic instinct!”), I have to point out one particular exchange as my favorite. When some guy tells Julie Strain, “I love you in leather. You smell like a new car!”, she responds, “Too bad you’ll never get a test drive!”
AKA: L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies: Return to Savage Beach.
Next time on Sirens of Skinamax we’ll profile the bosomy Rebecca Love before we switch gears back to the usual Legends of the Silver Screen programming.