naivete and conflict.
hmm. i think i'm kind of dumb.
i had a really nice weekend. had dinner with ad, michael, nick, mike at the pied piper. saw the orphanage, took a nap. went rock climbing and to a cocktail party and brought adrian soup and pie cuz he was sick on saturday. went hiking with adrian and nick at cougar mountain on sunday, which was really fun. it felt so good to be outside, moving, in the sun. went back to ad's. sex. took showers and naps. made dinner. went to whole foods. made chocolate mousse. watched predator. sex. wine. boardgame, wrasslin'. sex. sleep. woke up today, feeling pretty good. but while he was making breakfast and i was getting out of bed, i found a longish curly black hair in the blankets. not either of ours. being confronted with the reality of the situation i've put myself in makes me sad. i still love him. and i want to stop so badly. thinking about him being with/ caring about other people the way he is with me makes me sad. i was really naive to think i would be okay with this. there are 3 boys that have made their interest in me known, and i know i would dig at least one of them if i weren't still into adrian, and dating them in this state would be unfair to them. he told me he was sorry for taking me for granted the other day, and he said he missed me, and him saying that made me feel like this was worthwhile and made mw feel worthwhile. and we spent so much time together this week...a couple days during the week and most of the weekend. and it was nice, but it's definitely perpetuating this stupid and painful thing. i think i need to stop this. i used his lotion today, and now i smell like him. it's silly, but that kind of makes it worse. i really need to stop doing this.
watched mice die in lab this week. it's not as humane as i thought it would be. i know it's for the greater good, but who really consults the mice, you know? and personally, i think i would have a hard time dying even for the greater good. i don't know how i feel about science stuff right now. i'm thinking about being an elementary school teacher.
reading about mlk for mlk day. lots still to do. physics, paper, plant reading, etc.
i had a really nice weekend. had dinner with ad, michael, nick, mike at the pied piper. saw the orphanage, took a nap. went rock climbing and to a cocktail party and brought adrian soup and pie cuz he was sick on saturday. went hiking with adrian and nick at cougar mountain on sunday, which was really fun. it felt so good to be outside, moving, in the sun. went back to ad's. sex. took showers and naps. made dinner. went to whole foods. made chocolate mousse. watched predator. sex. wine. boardgame, wrasslin'. sex. sleep. woke up today, feeling pretty good. but while he was making breakfast and i was getting out of bed, i found a longish curly black hair in the blankets. not either of ours. being confronted with the reality of the situation i've put myself in makes me sad. i still love him. and i want to stop so badly. thinking about him being with/ caring about other people the way he is with me makes me sad. i was really naive to think i would be okay with this. there are 3 boys that have made their interest in me known, and i know i would dig at least one of them if i weren't still into adrian, and dating them in this state would be unfair to them. he told me he was sorry for taking me for granted the other day, and he said he missed me, and him saying that made me feel like this was worthwhile and made mw feel worthwhile. and we spent so much time together this week...a couple days during the week and most of the weekend. and it was nice, but it's definitely perpetuating this stupid and painful thing. i think i need to stop this. i used his lotion today, and now i smell like him. it's silly, but that kind of makes it worse. i really need to stop doing this.
watched mice die in lab this week. it's not as humane as i thought it would be. i know it's for the greater good, but who really consults the mice, you know? and personally, i think i would have a hard time dying even for the greater good. i don't know how i feel about science stuff right now. i'm thinking about being an elementary school teacher.
reading about mlk for mlk day. lots still to do. physics, paper, plant reading, etc.