time stands still
so i'm in an online pool hall, slicing up the chat board, and dicing up the tables, when i land snug, up next to a real 8ball.
julies coming back to town, from new hampshire and the navy.
i still can't believe she beat me in... it reminds me of starship troopers when, ricos heated, and dizzys like
"you saying I joined up causa you?"
and ricos all like
"you saying you didn't"
at anyrate
ever since we broke up, like 3 yerars ago, and some change, its been this winding road of finding myself.
all those links to the past, misconstrewing the facts.
not knowing wich lines to sever, and wich to redouble...
that sad trueth is we're getting old, but thats a rant.
now. since julie, there have been this hand full of girls, who've come and go. there was like. the epidomy of the woman i want, self sufficient, sexy, high sex drive, motivated, exotic, and good taste in music
there was the popular girl, who knew just how to work everyone, to her best interest.
there was... the one that got away. shes doing exactly, what i wish i could be doing. living at, and working at the beach, just fuckin chillin. with her bio-degree.... shes the one that got away.
and lately. all the girls I've met like... look too much like me, or, we have too much in common, I'm just not, stimulated enough, to be motivated, and... I'm not intrueged enough,to persue no holds bars.
O!!!! O!!!
the last girl.
the last girl, was a girl from MoCo, who had moved to NC, couldn't get into the airforce, ,an artist, and a vacrant hooligan. lol. rachel.
She was the final straw, to this area. Its like.
We had been comminicating, I had been persuing her, blowing smoke up her ass for like, 2 fucking months, being aggitated yet not crest fallen, at her lack of reprisals, when she finaly was gonna come to town. theere were all kindsa shows i didn't wanna miss, plus I'de heard peolpe would be at these shows, who i didn't wanna miss, who never came... long story short, she chilled....
with all of my recently made, Exx friends, and I didnt get to see her.
Its interesting however. These, ex friends were given an amazingly solid view at my persona, by examining hers. Its like... this is the kind of girl kevin scores... and everyone loved her. i liked that...
(of course I'de been talking about her for weeks)
I imagine a girl half fainting, and an arm to catch her.
I was the arm.
I'm always the arm.
for once, i want the eyes and lips to enter the picture....
I'm still so torn about the military.
Playing strictly by ear, I intend to ienjoy, at least 1 solid season, out west in total, crushing up and out, befor ei enlist, if i enlist. we'll see if the snowboarding life is cut for me.
other wise, i will inlist infantry, go earn my keep, as a human of earth, as a citizen of the US, as a contributor to my society, then return home, to a job that will sustain me and my needs, with the training, to take on the apocolypse...
What strikes me the most however. Are the sexual oppertunities, from then till now... that have, literaly, failed....
me being the relationship, lover type,
as well as the freaky kinky type,
as well as the unreserved....
lunchbox type...
has truely hindered my success in bed.
more so by the doubt in my partner, than the efforts on my hand...
its like, dropping a pebble into a glass bottle from 4 storys up, and if you miss, you never get to try again....
i'm like?????
how about avalanche
its weird, how people, can be so concerned about little things going their way, that they can totaly miss out on the bigger picture.
maby its jsut my view on sex overall...
life ingeneral, for me, is like. make it memorable. make it count. do your best and have fun too. rock and roll.
i'm not all about, coloring inside the lines. and following the rules. and going by the book, because some historic figure, approves and so do alot of others.... I'm about rewriting the book, formyself.
I mean, everyones an individual. We gotta do things our own way. And i guess, when the rubber meets the road, I prefer to trust my gut instincts.
maybe i don't deserve a child. maybe i don't deserve to live.One can't force these things.But i know this. I can't stand living in the shadow of such an answer. I don't wanna be rash about it either though....
I'll sort it out...
this entry is so garbled and unorganized.
i'de rather draw it out.
you take a pot of gold, a rainbow comes from it, color by color is examined, it hits the ground, on a tree, where keebler elves are making cookies. and i'm standing on a hill, cock slobbery in the wind, from fresh sex (i wish)