fact of the matter
i have really been slumming on my updates.
honestly, i found a new journal to post to, as part of a community, that is now becoming stale, sadly.
it all started as an artistic endeavour. as has, my past 2 relationships.
it has ended however, as the masks of paint, and pictures, and images and perceptions, has sunk to show the face of the master.
this totaly uproots the artistic notion.
the trick is to keep you guessing, and keep you lost, in your mind, with possibilitys of trueth.
the idea of going home, to reality, and facing the music, and facing the person, one on one, APPARENTLY, is too much, for said community.
and in other aspects.
its like this.
i have this ideas, these, notions, these dreams, these... loves.
how to present them to the moment, in flawless perfection, and infinit grandeur???
i find the open endedness, to be the true fruit of life.
this is where love comes into the picture.
its is with love. that we move foward, and evolve these, near perfections, into greater yet..... Things... lol
so on and so forth.
its like with Lana. We talk, and I have been running on these trains of thought, for so long, mauling them over and such. She always puts me back on my heels. And has me reconcidering, as if the answer is so simple....
I havent updated, and my hearts been bleeding the while....
lies, trueths, who to trust and whos out to get you. Whos looking out for themselves only, and who needs help...
theres is such a blury line there.
Who wishes to only convey love, and show love, when its all but the trueth.
My mother, bless her heart, is more concerned with herself than I or my sister, or anyone else.
I don't blame her, She kinda needs to be, her life isn't easy. We help all we can, but honest. I'm not ready for a 40 year old child.
Its so difficult.
The 30 page memoir will not be written. I just wish you knew what I ment.
Plus I don't want to reveal too many facts, as I see it, for... there is alot more to the grander scale of things.
These things, I'll save for one on one.
My step-brother.
@#$%@#$%
thats an isuue.
where to even begin christ.
How about his infiriority complex. I'm bigger, and stronger. I actualy work for a living, plus I'm intelligent. I can see him on all his raises, and then raise back.
He can't handle it. and then takes it out on me, and trys to bary me in the social networks.
it works.
Him in his band, has alot more pull than I, in my, solo project, shot at life.
I mean. When the heat was on, and i was in deep shit, way in over my head, my dad said fuck you, fend for yourself. And I wasn't even all that bad. Just too many stacked nights of heavy partying, falling back on me, though, haha. sparing the details.... I'll just call that era of my life virtigo. My seperation from the pack...
My brother is coked out of his skull and gets arrested for assault... And they' open the doors, AND PAY FOR HIS EVERYTHING!?!?!?!?!?!?!
i work my ass off, 2 jobs, and support myself, plus am extremely generous with the family (was)....
dude....
fuck that mess.
thats how it is? then thats how it is.
I wish to cut ties.
My better half, wich I am seeking out, would have something to say about this surely... That I can't quite bring to light
sigh....
and then i go to a show, and i just wanna simply, have agood time, talk to some people, geek out, yeehaw.
dance dance revolution!
and my brother wants to piss on my parade.
I have SO MUCH MORE on the line than he. I can't afford the consequences.
but he keeps toeing that line. one day hes gonna cross it.
we're older.
violence isn't like it was in grade school. it just sucks, and i want no part.
really. I want outa the state. I want out of MD. West... Pendelum is touring the US, from the UK, and they will be, you guess it. West. the said fuck the North East, blue collar, hard working american district, yall are fulls for living rough for no good reason. Its so foolish.
I want to stretch my arms, and breath in fresh meadow, and mountainous rain. The congestion of endless city, from virginia to maine is... demoralizing.
Also.
I'm affraid to follow my heart alot. I get into so much trouble. I don't know anyone I can count on, truely. The notion of, depending on someone to be there, (and I so want them to be there), its... heavier than all the work hours i put in a month, for years at a time. At the same time.
The fire in my eyes says go for it.
I haven't gotten anymore tattoos yet. My concience leads me to the straight line.
My heart is so wild and free.
theres always the army or marines...
theres always staying at my job.
i need to talk to someone with a care in my world, about school. someone who wants to get involved with my life, for its betterment....
i made the mistake of meeting my parents to tell them the good news. they devoured all the momentum i had.
i'm not a bad person.
i can't even conjur a proper vengence.
i'm just like... I should fuck their car up to high hell, and really bring them to my level....
as lousy as my surroundings are, i manage to sstay in high spirits though. I am not yet consumed by the neglectful foulness of the world that is called the east coast.
I still have so much hope for the world outside.
Perhaps on my day off tomorow, i'll search jobs and rentals, in other states.
I don't want to fool myself into falling inlove...
no... i don't want to ruin a true shot at love....
its where the concept, and the facts finaly meet,.... thats where the sparks fly, and the engine starts to growl pur hum thump jump rock and roll.