(no subject)
I had a rough night last night. I had a rough day. And now I'm typing this quickly before class, just to get it out. I skipped all my classes this morning... slept through them. Skipped my biochemistry class, in which I have a midterm the day after tomorrow and I haven't gone to most of the classes. I'm a little screwed.
I don't know how things got this bad. One minute I'm fine, the next minute I'm picking stupid fights over the phone. And then the next minute, I'm sitting on the floor of the bathroom, calling my roommate in tears because I just burned myself for the first time in years. And now... I just feel kind of numb. I don't care anymore because I can't. I can't let myself feel because I can't cope anymore with all this stress. I always thought that I was the type of person who thrived under stress but I guess I have my breaking points too.
My mom thinks it's because whereever I am, I never really unpack. That it's a symptom of the fact that I never stop going going going to just unpack, physically and mentally. That I never stop to relax. I know that I don't. When I stop to relax, everything hits me and I feel alone. When I'm with people or doing something, I don't think about it as much, so I rarely let myself stop.
I felt so bad for Jess last night. She was on a date and I called her, trying to keep the tears out of my voice but of course she knew. I asked her when she was coming home and she said she was on her way and that I should stay in the apartment. She knows what a hard time I've been having, but I don't think she was prepared when she walked into the bathroom and saw me sitting on the floor in tears with my arm already blistering. I can't cope. I want to drop out of school right now. I almost hospitalized myself last night but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Why? Because I have plans this weekend. Because I have midterms. Because of all these stupid reasons that shouldn't get in the way of making myself better but do. It's like, if I commit myself again, it's admitting to the world that I have a problem and can't cope. But when it's just me crying on the phone to my closest friends and parents, I still have some semblance of a normal life.
I want to go home. That's all I can think of right now. I don't want to come back to the U next semester. I want to go home and just finish my nursing prerequisites at RCTC. I want to get better, but I don't know if I can up in the Cities. Ugh. Who knows anymore. Not me.
I don't know how things got this bad. One minute I'm fine, the next minute I'm picking stupid fights over the phone. And then the next minute, I'm sitting on the floor of the bathroom, calling my roommate in tears because I just burned myself for the first time in years. And now... I just feel kind of numb. I don't care anymore because I can't. I can't let myself feel because I can't cope anymore with all this stress. I always thought that I was the type of person who thrived under stress but I guess I have my breaking points too.
My mom thinks it's because whereever I am, I never really unpack. That it's a symptom of the fact that I never stop going going going to just unpack, physically and mentally. That I never stop to relax. I know that I don't. When I stop to relax, everything hits me and I feel alone. When I'm with people or doing something, I don't think about it as much, so I rarely let myself stop.
I felt so bad for Jess last night. She was on a date and I called her, trying to keep the tears out of my voice but of course she knew. I asked her when she was coming home and she said she was on her way and that I should stay in the apartment. She knows what a hard time I've been having, but I don't think she was prepared when she walked into the bathroom and saw me sitting on the floor in tears with my arm already blistering. I can't cope. I want to drop out of school right now. I almost hospitalized myself last night but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Why? Because I have plans this weekend. Because I have midterms. Because of all these stupid reasons that shouldn't get in the way of making myself better but do. It's like, if I commit myself again, it's admitting to the world that I have a problem and can't cope. But when it's just me crying on the phone to my closest friends and parents, I still have some semblance of a normal life.
I want to go home. That's all I can think of right now. I don't want to come back to the U next semester. I want to go home and just finish my nursing prerequisites at RCTC. I want to get better, but I don't know if I can up in the Cities. Ugh. Who knows anymore. Not me.