(no subject)
I should really be trying to get to sleep right now. I have a Spanish test in seven hours and I didn't go to class all week last week... or the week before... so basically I might be fucked over in that class. I am hoping that having a mental breakdown and spiralling into depression is a valid excuse for missing class. Something to talk about to the teacher tomorrow and to the psychiatrist when I see them...
I feel the need to write right now. I could probably sleep, but I just want to write.
Mike came up this weekend, and like always with us it had it's really good times and it's bad times. I just wrote out this big thing detailing our weekend and the issues and then deleted it. Because it doesn't matter. We had a huge fight this weekend and Mike almost left last night instead of staying. The only thing that matters is that I thought his mind was set on driving home last night and he changed his mind. I don't know why, he wouldn't tell me, just that it was his own choice and not because of something I said. But it doesn't really matter why. All that matters is that he changed his mind and stayed the night. I can only hope that part of the reason he stayed was out of respect to me and not because he was tired but he stayed. Not only did he stay but he told me that he loved me, and he told me that he loved me this morning. Which is a big deal now because we don't say it nearly as much as he used to. The biggest deal though, is that he made an effort tonight to make me feel important in his life. He said he would be too busy to text tonight (he had plans with friends and such) but his dinner plans got cancelled and he texted! Which is another big deal because he's so busy with work and not attached to his phone anymore so he's not a big texter. We had an actual conversation, which is one of the things that I told him I had an issue with.
My parents also came up today. After hearing all the trouble I've been having, they came up and helped me unpack my room. My mom had a theory that part of the reason I felt so unsettled was because no matter where I go, I never take the time to unpack... which she says reflects the fact that I live such a go-go-go life that I never take time to just unwind. I don't know if it was the unpacking or the fact that I think I figured out what's going on with me, but right now I don't feel 100% but I feel a little better. I feel a little loved and a little calmer, although my mind is still go-go-go and I can't sleep. I have my psychiatrist visit tomorrow though. Hopefully I will come out with medication which means that in a few weeks things might start improving. Thank god, I need that.
Like I said before though, I think I know what's wrong with me now though. Of course, I'm not a psychiatrist. I know I suffer from depression, but I also think I have a generalized anxiety disorder. I was reading about it on Mayo's website and it kinda fits me to a T. The fact that if I text someone and they don't text me back within five minutes, I think they hate me. The fact that every moment I am awake I have this tightness in my chest and I feel like I'm going to explode because I can't stop thinking about something. The fact that I am easily distracted, I am tired all the time but can't sleep, I have nausea whenever I get stressed and have lost ten pounds in the past month and a halfish because I have no appetite. It's like depression and anxiety combined and they just amplify each other. The anxiety triggers my depression so I get really anxious about stuff and then depressed and just don't want to live anymore. I think that's what happened when I burned myself. I had been having such a bad week and then got upset with Mike. That triggered the anxiousness and I was freaking out on the phone with him, which started triggering the depression and the feelings of selfharm. By that time my mind was just going-going-going so much that I needed someone to take my mind off of things. When Mike hung up the phone, I couldn't think of anyone else to talk to off the top of my head and all I could think of was to hurt myself because doing that shuts my brain up. I freak out and hurt myself and the minute I do that, I realize the stupid thing I did and then my mind is quiet for once. That's just my opinion though, let's see what the psychiatrist says tomorrrow.
Spanish test in t-minus six and a half hours. I'm fucked, since I'm only going to be getting five-ish hours of sleep. Time to lay down and let the sleeping pill kick in.
I feel the need to write right now. I could probably sleep, but I just want to write.
Mike came up this weekend, and like always with us it had it's really good times and it's bad times. I just wrote out this big thing detailing our weekend and the issues and then deleted it. Because it doesn't matter. We had a huge fight this weekend and Mike almost left last night instead of staying. The only thing that matters is that I thought his mind was set on driving home last night and he changed his mind. I don't know why, he wouldn't tell me, just that it was his own choice and not because of something I said. But it doesn't really matter why. All that matters is that he changed his mind and stayed the night. I can only hope that part of the reason he stayed was out of respect to me and not because he was tired but he stayed. Not only did he stay but he told me that he loved me, and he told me that he loved me this morning. Which is a big deal now because we don't say it nearly as much as he used to. The biggest deal though, is that he made an effort tonight to make me feel important in his life. He said he would be too busy to text tonight (he had plans with friends and such) but his dinner plans got cancelled and he texted! Which is another big deal because he's so busy with work and not attached to his phone anymore so he's not a big texter. We had an actual conversation, which is one of the things that I told him I had an issue with.
My parents also came up today. After hearing all the trouble I've been having, they came up and helped me unpack my room. My mom had a theory that part of the reason I felt so unsettled was because no matter where I go, I never take the time to unpack... which she says reflects the fact that I live such a go-go-go life that I never take time to just unwind. I don't know if it was the unpacking or the fact that I think I figured out what's going on with me, but right now I don't feel 100% but I feel a little better. I feel a little loved and a little calmer, although my mind is still go-go-go and I can't sleep. I have my psychiatrist visit tomorrow though. Hopefully I will come out with medication which means that in a few weeks things might start improving. Thank god, I need that.
Like I said before though, I think I know what's wrong with me now though. Of course, I'm not a psychiatrist. I know I suffer from depression, but I also think I have a generalized anxiety disorder. I was reading about it on Mayo's website and it kinda fits me to a T. The fact that if I text someone and they don't text me back within five minutes, I think they hate me. The fact that every moment I am awake I have this tightness in my chest and I feel like I'm going to explode because I can't stop thinking about something. The fact that I am easily distracted, I am tired all the time but can't sleep, I have nausea whenever I get stressed and have lost ten pounds in the past month and a halfish because I have no appetite. It's like depression and anxiety combined and they just amplify each other. The anxiety triggers my depression so I get really anxious about stuff and then depressed and just don't want to live anymore. I think that's what happened when I burned myself. I had been having such a bad week and then got upset with Mike. That triggered the anxiousness and I was freaking out on the phone with him, which started triggering the depression and the feelings of selfharm. By that time my mind was just going-going-going so much that I needed someone to take my mind off of things. When Mike hung up the phone, I couldn't think of anyone else to talk to off the top of my head and all I could think of was to hurt myself because doing that shuts my brain up. I freak out and hurt myself and the minute I do that, I realize the stupid thing I did and then my mind is quiet for once. That's just my opinion though, let's see what the psychiatrist says tomorrrow.
Spanish test in t-minus six and a half hours. I'm fucked, since I'm only going to be getting five-ish hours of sleep. Time to lay down and let the sleeping pill kick in.