Work woes
Chris’ family keeps asking if I like my job or find it interesting and I think they really want me to say it’s great and I love it. And the truth is a kind of hate it.
It’s nice I’m making money and it is the easiest job ever that I literally do from the comfort of my bed. But it’s so frustrating. It makes me miss what I used to do but also this company is just trash. They’re clearly scrambling for structure. They have no idea what they’re doing and they keep changing things around. There’s no consistency between the coaches and I’m so fucking sick and tired of being “corrected” for things that aren’t wrong in the eyes of other coaches. It’s like no matter what I do in someone’s eyes it’s wrong. And I hate it. I worked 8 years under someone like that and it was awful. I know I’m smart, I know I’m capable, but when you keep getting told you’re wrong it just really sucks. I know I shouldn’t let it get to me because really this job is meaningless, I’ll quit when I have a baby and I don’t even need to put it on my resume. But still. I hate being made to feel stupid or wrong when I know I’m not.
It’s also just adding stress when I don’t need it. We’re doing transfer on November 11. I’m already worried about that. I hope it works this time. I’m so worried it won’t. I’m worried I’m doomed to just never have children for some reason. I mean we still would have two more embryos but I just really really wanted a girl. And I know that sounds stupid and ungrateful. But ever since Peaches passed away I wanted to have a girl to name after her. And I feel like the universe for some reason doesn’t want to let me have that and I don’t understand.
Maybe that’s why I’m so into this witchcraft stuff. It’s based so much around understanding yourself and loving yourself and knowing yourself and I have felt for a while now that I’m somehow for some reason deserving of disappointment. Why else would I lose Peaches and Smudge in the same year right after I got married. Why would I get pregnant and then lose it. What have I done that all these things I want to keep are taken from me. Maybe this inner self investigation will help me figure it out.