Same shit, new year....?
I could've made new year's resolutions like most everyone else. I didn't though. Why? What's the point? I always end up dissapointing myself. "I'm gonna do this, I wanna do that, blah blah blah." Following through on my promises to myself has never been one of my strongest assets. I think it's because, no matter how hard I try to, I can't let go of that part of me that doesn't want to be selfish and do things for myself. Will I ever? Who knows at this point in time.
I think I may have resolved one small internal battle, however. One that very few people may not have been aware that I was grappling with. Only because I never wanted to sensationalize it in any way.
As much as the idea intrigued me for part of the summer and throughout most of the fall, I've decided against going into wrestling training. I like to consider myself good friends with a couple of people who are going through just that, and I respect the hell out of them for going through it and living their dreams. I even had an extensive talk with one of them one night ofer Yahoo about the subject, asking her stupid question and for her advice and imput. I just can't picture myself existing in a world where physical pain is the norm, where the lines between fantasy (for lack of a better term) and reality seem to blur somewhere in the middle. I know that I'm most likely wrong about my perception of things, but that's how I see it at this moment in time.
I'm very far from perfect. I have character flaws like everyone else; I'm absent-minded, sensitive, a procrastinator. I'm starting to learn how to rewire my brain though, to accept myself as I am. I'm also learning to focus more on my GOOD qualities rather than the negative ones. It's still a work in progress, but so far so good (knock on wood).
Blah. That's all the brainpower I can muster to give voice to my recent innermost thoughts. Later, loves! <3