The Search For The Man Who Ruled The Universe
I found part of an old story that was co-authored by myself and an old high school frined of mine while persuing throught my computer files. I had started re-typing it a long time ago from the original copy that I found lying around my house, so I thought I'd post it here and let you guys see it for yourself :-)
Just a couple of side notes before I continue:
--The characters are named after people we both knew at the time (and/or still know). So in case you're wondering, yes the main character is indeed me.
--This was very much influenced by The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. So if any of this seems too insane, outlandish, or crack-tastic…..it’s intended to be that way :-P
So without any further ado, here it is!
Prologue:
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral of the galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of approximately 98 million miles is--or rather was--an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet, whose ape-descended life forms were so amazingly primitive that they thought digital watches were pretty cool.
This planet had a problem; most, if not all, of the people were unhappy pretty much most of the time. Many solutions were suggested, one of which included the mass movement of many a small green piece of paper. Which was odd, considering it wasn't the green pieces of paper that were unhappy. And so the problem remained. A lot of people were mean and most of them were miserable, even the ones with digital watches.
Many were increasingly of the opinion that they had all made a huge mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place. Some said that even the trees themselves had been a bad move, and that no one should have ever left the oceans.
And then, one Monday morning, nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to each other for a change, a girl named Erin Galaxy, who lived in the middle of Bum-Fuck Nowhere, suddenly realized what had been wrong all this time. She finally found a solution to make the world the happy place it should be. This time it was right. This time it would work. And no one would have to get nailed to anything!
Sadly however, before she could get to a phone to tell anyone about it, a dog with a fluffy tail ran by and the idea was lost forever.
Erin, it must be said, was the only survivor of the destruction of the unlucky, unregarded, unnoticed little planet. This is her story of that terrible stupid Monday, of its extraordinary consequences, and of how these consequences were inextricably intertwined with the Man Who Ruled the Universe.
Chapter 1
A small house stood by itself on a slight rise just on the edge of Bum-Fuck Nowhere. It overlooked a broad spread of expansive farmland. It wasn’t a remarkable house by any means; it was about seventy years old, made of brick, and had four windows set in the front end and two on either side. The proportions of the quaint little cottage more or less failed to please the eye. The only person who ever cared about that quirky old house was Erin Galaxy, and that was only because it happened to be the house she lived in.
She had resided there for about three years, ever since she moved from sunny California. She was about thirty years of age and tall, with dark hair, pale skin, and hazel eyes. The thing that always bothered her the most was when people always asked her if she could feel the air moving between her ears. She worked at the local deli, which she always tried to convince her friends that it was a lot more interesting then they probably thought.
On Sunday night it had rained very heavily, making the yard wet and muddy. But on Monday morning the sun shone bright and clear on Erin’s house for what would end up being the last time. It hadn’t registered in her mind yet that the city council wanted to knock her house down and build a hyperspace bypass instead.
Erin woke up at around eight o’clock not feeling well at all. She sat up on her bed woozily, stood up, and wandered drunkenly around her bedroom, wondering if this was indeed her room. Eventually deciding that it didn’t really matter, she drearily wandered over to the nearby window. She opened it, took note of a bulldozer sitting outside, and proceeded to put on her slippers and trudge off to the bathroom.
The cabinet mirror reflected a second bulldozer through the bathroom window. She opened the cabinet, grabbed the toothpaste inside, and squeezed a small amount on her toothbrush. When she finished brushing her teeth, she dragged herself in the direction of the kitchen to find something pleasant to put in her mouth.
As she poured some cereal into a small glass bowl, the word “bulldozer” kept wandering through her mind in search of something to connect it with. She went to the fridge, opened the door, and grabbed the small jug of milk from the top shelf. As she closed the door, she glanced out the kitchen window. The bulldozer sitting outside was quite a doozy.
Yellow, she thought.
She poured milk over her cereal, then sat down and proceeded to eat. After she finished she still felt a tad queasy. So she took a glass out of the kitchen cabinet and poured herself some water. She gulped it all down without a pause and filled her glass with more water. Taking smaller sips this time, she began to wonder why she felt so hung over. Had she been drinking the night before? She supposed that she must have been; why else would she feel like hell?
She set the empty glass down and wandered off toward the bathroom to shower and get dressed for the day. As she stood in front of the mirror brushing her unruly mane, she caught a reflected glint of light.
Yellow, she thought.
She set the brush down and went to twirl the hot water knob in the bathtub. When she found the desired temperature, she peeled out of her pajamas, stepped into the tub, and turned on the shower head. She allowed the water to soak her to the bone as she stood and reflected on the previous night’s events. The bar, Black Moonlight. Oh god, she thought, the bar. She vaguely remembered being extremely angry about something very important. Something about a ridiculous new bypass she’d just found out about. She had been drinking herself silly and telling anyone who bothered to lend her an ear all about it. The only clear recollection she had was of the glazed-over expressions on their faces.
God, what a terrible hangover that had earned her.
Once she was done showering, she towel dried her hair and sauntered off to her bedroom. After she had finished pulling on a ratty old Drowning Pool t-shirt and a pair of faded jeans, she glanced at herself in the full length mirror. She saw a bulldozer behind her.
Yellow, she thought.
The word “yellow” floated through her mind in search of something to connect it with. After a few moments, she suddenly and finally came to a conclusion.
Yellow!
BULLDOZER!!!
She made a panicked rush to the front door and threw it open. She stood outside in the muddy front yard, placing herself between her home and three giant yellow bulldozers.
“Come on Erin!” yelled Tanya, the head of the city council. “You can’t win! You know that, right? I mean, you can’t possibly stand in front of these bulldozers forever!” She tried in vain to make her eyes blaze fiercely.
Erin narrowed her own eyes. “I’m game,” she replied flippantly. “We’ll see who rusts first!”
“You’re just gonna have to accept it,” Tanya retorted. “This bypass has to be built!”
“Huh. Well this is the first I’ve ever heard of this stupid bypass, you….you…..home wrecker!” Erin cried out. She took a moment to collect herself before she continued. “Why exactly does this bypass have to be built?”
Tanya stared at her in disbelief. “’Why‘? Whaddaya mean, ‘Why’!? It’s a bypass for cryin’ out loud! You gotta have a bypass! And besides, you were entitled to make any suggestions or protests at the appropriate time, y’know.”
“Appropriate time?” Erin shouted. She was enraged now. “Appropriate TIME?? The first I knew about this was when a workman arrived at my home yesterday morning. I asked him if he’d come to clean my windows and he said, ‘No, I’ve come to inspect the house that’s supposed to be destroyed tomorrow.’ But oh no, he didn’t tell me right away! First he wiped a few windows and charged me a ten spot. Then he told me!”
“But Erin,” Tanya said plaintively. “The plans have been on display at city hall for at least nine months!”
“On display? I had to go down to the cellar of that goddamn building!”
“Yes, that’s where the main office is.”
“I had to go down there with a flashlight.”
“Ah yes, well….umm….the lights were probably out of order.”
“So were the stairs, I suppose!”
“Look, did you find the notice or not?” asked Tanya with an edge of annoyance in her voice.
Erin nodded. “Yes, yes I did. It was on “display” in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a demolished bathroom with a sign on the door that said ‘BEWARE OF THE LEOPARD’”
Tanya gazed at the house frowning, ignoring Erin. “It’s not like it’s a particularly nice house.”
“Well excuse ME, but I happen to like it a lot.”
“You’ll like the bypass, too.”
“Just shut up, you fucking CUNT FACE!”
Tanya’s mouth opened and closed several times while her mind was, for a moment, filled with inexplicable but terribly attractive visions of Erin’s house being consumed by flames and Erin herself running screaming from the blazing ruins with at least three hefty spears protruding from her back. Tanya was often bothered with these kind of images, as they made her feel nervous and perversely excited. She quickly composed herself and continued.
“Erin, just an FYI for ya: Have you any idea how much damage these bulldozers would suffer if I just let ’em roll right over you?”
“No. How much?” Erin asked flippantly.
“None at all.”
Erin placed her hands on her hips. “Is that a threat or a promise?”
“Neither,” Tanya replied simply. “Just a fact.”
Just a few blocks down the street, Matt was ambling along the sidewalk, small brown paper bag in hand, with no particular destination in mind.
_______________________
Matt was not of the planet Earth. In fact, he was from Saturn, whose inhabitants resembled the Earth creature known simply as bears. He was an unruly boozer with some of the oddest habits, such as crashing college parties and getting badly drunk, making fun of any astrophysicists he could find until he was thrown out.
He had been dropped off on the little blue-green planet after some out-of-this-universe party. He was sloppy drunk and assumed his bestest buddy Josh would see him home. He was dead wrong, as he had been stranded for some fifteen years now. In that time he had tried his best to blend in with Earth’s society, with mild success. He had been posing as Matt the Slightly Amused Bear, an out of work actor. Which was plausible enough.
But the fact remained that he looked like a big brown bear.
Sometimes he would fall into strangely distracting moods and stare into the sky, as if hypnotized by something, until a passerby asked him what the heck he was doing. He would then glance at the person for a moment, then grin.
“Oh just looking for flying saucers,” he would reply casually. The person would then laugh and ask him what sort of flying saucers he was looking for.
“Yellow ones,” he would answer with a wicked sneer, laughing wildly. But truth be told, he was looking for a flying saucer. Any one would do. Off and on for fifteen years, he would search the sky desperately, hoping that someone--anyone--would find him and bring him home.
It figures I have to be stranded here, he would wonder bitterly. What a mind-bogglingly dull planet Earth is. Earth! What does that stand for anyways, DIRT??
_________________
Human beings were great adaptors, and by lunchtime life in Bum-Fuck Nowhere had settled into a steady routine.
It was Erin’s accepted role to stand defiantly in the mud in front of the imposing bulldozers, making occasional demands to see her lawyer, her mother or a good book. It was Tanya’s accepted role to tackle Erin with the occasional new ploy such as the “For the Good of the Public” talk, or the “March of Progress” talk, or even the “They Knocked Down My House Too, You Know” talk, and various other threats. And it was the bulldozer drivers’ accepted roles to sit around, drink coffee, and speculate over union regulations to see how they could turn the situation to their financial advantage. The Earth moved slowly on it’s expected course. The sun was beginning to dry out the mud that Erin stood in.
Erin noticed a figure off to the right side of her peripheral vision.
“Hey Erin,” the figure greeted.
Erin looked over and was somewhat startled to see a certain slightly amused bear standing on the sidewalk.
“Hey Matt, what are you doing here?”
“Just passing through the neighborhood,” he replied. He scratched the back of his head. “Hey umm….are you busy at the moment?”
“Am I busy?” Erin exclaimed. “Well let’s see here, I’ve got all these bulldozers and things to block off because they’re all threatening to knock my house down. But other that that….no not especially. Why do you ask?”
Matt, being a native of Saturn, was unaccustomed to the concept of sarcasm. He usually failed to notice it unless he was really concentrating. So all he said in response was, “Good. Is there any place we can talk?”
“Huh!?”
“We’ve gotta talk,” he said with more urgency.
Erin sighed. “Fine. Talk.”
“And drink,” he added. “It’s vitally important that we talk and drink. We’ll go to the bar in town.” Erin furrowed her brow as Matt then became distracted for a few seconds when he stared upward at the sky, like a deer staring blankly into the headlights of a oncoming car. Not finding what he was looking for, he walked up to where Erin stood.
She threw her hands up on exasperation. “Listen moron, you don’t understand! That BITCH over there wants to destroy my HOME!”
Matt followed his gaze to where Erin was pointing an angry finger. He looked Tanya over with a puzzled expression as Tanya gazed back at him with utter disdain. He then returned his eyes to Erin. “Well she can do it while you’re away, can’t she?”
“BUT I DON’T WANT HER TO!!!”
“Ah, I see…”
“What the hell’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing, I’m perfectly fine. Now listen to me, I’ve got to tell you the most important thing you’ll ever hear, and I’ve got to tell you over at Black Moonlight.”
“Why there?”
“Because you’re gonna need a very stiff drink.”
Matt gazed into Erin’s eyes in earnest, and Erin was shocked to find her will beginning to weaken. Perhaps she did want to go to Black Moonlight after all. Except for one small thing….
“But what about my home?” she asked plaintively.
Matt quickly glanced at Tanya and the trio of bulldozers, and at that moment a brilliant idea occurred to him.
“They want to knock your house down, right?”
“Yes, she wants to build--”
“And she can’t do that because you’re standing in their way, right?”
“Yes, and--”
“I’m sure we can come to some sort of arrangement,” Matt finished triumphantly. He turned his attention over to Tanya. “Hey you!” he yelled.
Tanya rolled her eyes in annoyance. “Yeah, what the hell do you want? Has your friend come to her senses yet?”
“Let’s assume for a moment that she hasn’t.”
Tanya narrowed her eyes and folded her arms in front of her chest. “Ok…..” she said slowly. This better be good, she thought.
Matt continued. “And let’s also assume that she’ll be staying here all day.”
“Ok….”
“While all your hired hands are sitting around doing nothing.”
“What’s your point, bear?”
“My point is, if you’re resigned to carry on as you are anyways, you don’t actually need her here, do you?” asked Matt, gesturing in Erin’s direction.
Tanya though Matt’s words over carefully before responding. “Well….no, not as such.”
Matt clapped his hands together. “Alrighty then. If you can just come over here and take Erin’s place here, we can be on our way.”
Erin couldn’t believe what she just heard. Her jaw dropped. “What!?”
“It’s very simple,” Matt whispered calmly. “The only way you’ll be able to come with me is if little miss Hitler here takes your place.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Erin hissed back. Matt nudged her with his paw to be quiet.
Tanya finally spoke. “So…what you’re saying is you want me to come and stand over there…”
“Yes.”
“In front of the bulldozers…”
“Yes.”
“In Erin’s place….”
“Yes.”
“So that you can take her to the bar?”
“Yup, that’s the plan.”
Tanya sighed. “You PROMISE you’ll bring her back?”
“I promise,” Matt replied, crossing his heart with his finger. He then turned to Erin. “Come on, step aside and let the woman stand in.”
Erin pulled her feet out of the now dried up mud, feeling as though she was in the twilight zone. Matt then motioned to Tanya who, quite sadly, positioned her feet in the two giant holes in the ground. As he and Erin started walking in the direction of the Black Moonlight, he glanced over his shoulder and yelled, “No being sneaky now and wrecking Erin’s house while we’re gone, alright?”
Tanya rolled her eyes in response. “Heaven forbid.”
He waved good bye as he jogged forward to catch up to Erin. What a day, he thought. He knew it didn’t matter one fucking bit whether or not Erin’s house was destroyed now. Erin however remained very worried and confused.
As soon as she was sure they were out of earshot, she looked at Matt and asked, “Can we really trust her?”
“I trust her to the end of the Earth.”
Erin let out a humorless laugh. “OK, and how far away is that, hmm?”
“About twelve minutes,” matt replied plainly. “Now pick up the pace there, Captain Slow-Ass. I really need a drink.”