(no subject)
He says there was no trust. I don't believe this. I trusted him completely. He didn't trust me. I should have said from the beginning, when I first found out, "Hey you. Stop this. I know it's you". Instead I was an immature and stubborn brat and wanted him to admit it. I kept raising the odds. I kept up the game. I just wanted him to admit to what he was doing. I told him I thought it was someone else. I could hear him nodding over the phone. I told him I knew it wasn't him and I'm sorry I accused him the first time it happened. He let me. All I want is for him to say, "I was wrong for what I did. You were wrong for trying to trap me. Let's move on and get back to the happy things". I hate to think that one horrible incident can ruin almost a year of blissful happiness. I have no one to blame but myself. I should have just fucking said, "Hey. No more games." Everyone keeps saying to me, "Can you forgive him for what happened? Can you live knowing that he lied to you?". Yes, I don't even have to think about it. If he just comes and talks to me today, tomorrow, next week and says, "We both fucked up. I'm angry. Your upset. Let's get over it", I would be the happiest girl alive. This morning I woke up with the most horrid sense of dread. It finally hit me that we are over. I knew it happened, but it didn't sink in until I had that 50 pound weight sitting on my chest when I woke up. I am so fucking immature. I can't believe I killed this. I can't believe I hurt him. I would give up all the stars in my night and the sun in my sky to take away all the pain I caused him. I keep kicking myself in the ass. I should have just fucking told him that I knew. Why didn't I tell him?! "Baby, it's okay. It's okay. I know it's you and I'm sorry you feel like you have to do this". My mum was so shocked by everything that only this morning her jaw lifted from the ground. She keeps saying I can make this work if I want it to. She knows I would gladly give any limb to make him happy. I tell her he has to want it too. She says it's over and what she meant was that I have to take this and turn it into something other then me crying into his fucking Little League jersey and spraying his cologne around the house. It's odd, when I had "that guy" I did nothing but plan our future together. The wedding, the house, our jobs, our pets, etc... I always told him that I couldn't picture my future with out him and it's true. I feel like there is no tomorrow. What is tomorrow with out promise of brighter things?... Nothing.... Oh my god, what have I done?