Dare to be Aware - Chapter Thirty-Four
Title: Dare to be Aware
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 167,997
Spoilers: AU
Pairing: Santana/Quinn, past Brittany/Santana, Brittany/Artie mentions, Blaine/Sam, past Quinn/Finn, Quinn/Sam bearding, past Blaine/Kurt
Summary: What does it take to find your own identity? How much pain can you endure in the process?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Dysphoria, Violence against Trans, Trans Character, Explicit Sexual Content, Domestic Violence, Graphic Severe Violence, Hospitals, Transitioning, Rough Sex, Potentially dub-con/non-con situations, Abandonment
Chapter 34
She felt cold even with the blanket around her shoulders. Her whole body shook and it seemed like the little one growing inside of her was going just as crazy as everything happening around her. She pressed a hand to her belly, trying to ignore the painful cramps as she sat on the hard metal chair.
It was over. He was dead. John said he was dead.
She killed him.
She had to swallow hard to keep from throwing up at the thought of being the one to end her ex-husband's life. Her thoughts were all jumbled. They jumped from Russell to John to the baby to Quinn.
Quinn.
It was over. The thought repeated like a crazed mantra in her mind over and over. It was over. She could see her son again. She could be in his life.
If he'd forgive her.
The pain that rippled through her body at the thought doubled her over with a cry as she clutched at her stomach. A warm rush of fluid soaked through her pants to dribble over the seat of the chair and flow down her legs. This wasn't right. It was too soon.
"John!" she cried helplessly, wanting nothing more than his comforting presence beside her. "John!"
The officer working at her desk hear the holding cell looked up when Judy cried out. "Ma'am?" She called over before seeing the pain on her face. "Ma'am, are you okay?" she asked, as she got up and rushed over to the cell.
"My baby," she whimpered, trying to push herself to her feet but only avoiding falling to the floor by a lucky catch at the table. "I need John," she sobbed, "and... and Quinn..."
The officer grabbed her keys and unlocked the cell and went to her side. "Ma'am, your water has broke, we should take you to the hospital. Let me tell the supervisor and we will get you to the hospital."
"No, this isn't right," she sobbed, the officer helping her up and out of the cell. "John should be here... and Quinn. This isn't right..."
"We're gonna take you to the hospital," She said calmly, "Have you have a child before, ma'am or is this your first?"
"My third," Judy gasped, blindly following where the officer led. "Please... I just need my family."
"Alright, we will find them. I can call your children to be here if you'd like while you are getting admitted," she stated as she escorted Judy towards the back of the station. "I'm going to have my partner drive you into the hospital."
"Just Quinn," she panted, "and John. My family. Please..."
"Sure," she smiled reassuringly as she helped her partner put Judy in a wheelchair. "I'll contact them."
Quinn was sitting on the couch with his arm around Santana playing with her hair and idly wondering how hard it would be to convince her to give him special head as they watched tv when his phone rang. Santana glanced over at where it was sitting on the table in mild surprise.
"Is that your phone?" she asked, confused since everyone who would call him was either home or would call Santana first.
"Maybe it's the restaurant." He shrugged as he leaned forward and grabbed the phone. Accepting the call, he pressed the phone to his ear. "Quinn Fabray," he said softly into the phone.
"Mr Fabray?" The voice on the other side of the phone was unknown but sounded official. "My name is Marty Robbins. I'm with the Montgomery County Police in Maryland. I have some news about your mother, Judy Collins?"
Santana frowned at the sudden paling of Quinn's face. "Q, who is it? Is everything okay?"
"Uh... Yeah?" he said weakly. "She's my mom... Is everything okay? Is she okay? Did my dad find her?"
There's a sigh on the other end as Santana blinked in realization before getting up and heading to the other room to pack two bags. "I'm afraid that seems to be the case. I hate relaying news like this over the phone, but I'm afraid your father is dead, Mr Fabray. Your mother is in the hospital right now and -"
"Where are you? I'm coming..." He said quickly, grabbed a pen off the table and looking around for a piece of paper. He wrote the address on the back of an envelope before saying a quick thank you before hanging up. He looked at Santana as she came back out of the bedroom, "My mom is in the hospital... My dad found her..."
She held up the bags and shrugged with a lopsided smile. "So we're leaving now, right? I already called our coaches and mass-emailed our teachers to let them know we'd be gone for a while."
He nodded and went into the kitchen and grabbed his medications and then Santana's vitamins before shoving them into his bag. He ran his hand through his hair and looked up at her, "I need... I need you to drive," Quinn stated, his voice trembling.
She pulled him into her arms. "Not even a problem, babe. We'll stop for drinks and shit on the way if we need 'em. Let's just get you to your mom."
Quinn had curled himself into the seat of his car, his head resting on his non-scared knee while his fingers traced the prominent scars over the other. Every mark on his body reminded him of his father. Every inch of discoloured skin cascading across his chest and knee reminded him of how much he lost and how much his father hated him.
Now his father was dead. He had come after Judy and somehow ended up dead. He didn't know the condition of his mother. He didn't know how she would look, or if she even knew that the hospital had called him.
All he could do was wait.
"Baby," Santana called softly, reaching for him without taking her eyes off the road. "Come back to me. Stop dwelling okay? Come back to me..." She sounded a little scared as her fingers lightly brushed over his arm.
"I should have been there to protect her," he finally said softly. "I should have protected her..."
"We don't even know if she's hurt," she pointed out, tangling her fingers with his. "Come on, let's not freak out until we know what's going on. Alright? Just stay here with me and don't go in your head, Q."
"She's in the hospital, Santana... they would only call me if something was wrong," he said, his sunglass covered eyes finally tore away from his leg and looked at her. "What.. What am I going to do with my father? Do... Do I bury him? Call my sister? Let her deal with it?"
"Let him be burned and buried in a damn hole somewhere for all I care," Santana scoffed. "The only people who matter here are you and your mom in my opinion. Your dad can go choke on a cock and rot. Your mom comes first. Got it?"
He sighed and nodded sadly. "He's still my father," he whispered, "He's a bad person... but he's still my blood."
"Quinn, you gotta stop thinking like that," she sighed, squeezing his hand as she drove. "Get your head straight. Yeah, he's your dad but he almost killed you and we both know he went after your mom. Now he's dead - and good fucking riddance - but your mom is still alive. Don't worry about him until we know your mom's okay. Alright? He's not going anywhere anymore but your mom needs you."
"Yeah," he sighed softly and rubbed his eyes. They had been driving for six hours straight, they were both exhausted but he knew that he would be with his mom soon.
"Just a few more minutes, Cap. We're almost there." She glanced over at him with a smile. "Hey. You know I love you, right? We can deal with this shit. I got your back, same as always."
"I love you too," he said softly. "I just... I just need to see her. I need to know she's alive."
"Damn straight you do." She nodded, pulling into the hospital parking ramp and finding a spot. "Come on. Let's go see your mom. And, Q?" She looked over at him before getting out. "It's over. You know that, right? He's gone. There ain't nothing keeping you two apart anymore."
Quinn nodded and got out of the car, stretching his sore back and legs for a moment before heading into the lobby. He rushed up to the counter and looked at the charge nurse. "I got a call saying my mother was here? Judy Collins... I'm her son."
The nurse looked up from where she'd been typing on her computer. "Quinn Fabray?" She nodded. "We've been expecting you. She's in the maternity ward. Just go through these doors and take the elevator to the third floor. It'll be on your left. The nurses there can direct you to her room."
Santana looked confused as she took Quinn's hand. "Maternity ward?"
A curious brow was raised. "The baby is apparently coming early due to the shock but they'll know more on the floor. Now, if you'll excuse me, I really need to get these documents filed."
"Baby?" Quinn asked. "You're wrong... She got hurt... My dad hurt her. She's been gone too long for a baby." He shook at the thought her father managed to produce another child with her mother. He let the tears fall down his cheeks at the very thought.
"Q, let's just go see your mom," Santana whispered, tugging him towards the elevators. "Come on. She's waiting for you."
He let Santana drag him along. "He... she had a baby? Santana I don't understand."
"We'll let your mom explain what's going on," she insisted, pulling him into the elevator and hitting the button for the third floor before hugging him tight. "You said she had a boyfriend. Maybe the baby's that guy's."
"She wouldn't do that," he sniffled. "Maybe she's replacing me and my sister for a normal kid." He scuffed his feet on the floor. "One not damaged."
"You're being stupid again," she pointed out. "Sometimes kids aren't planned for. You know that. It's why we both know Berry's gonna be knocked up before she gets on Broadway by sticking with Finnept." She smoothed a hand over his shirt as the doors dinged and opened, letting them out on the third floor as she whispered, "Why I'd be having your kid if you could knock me up." She shrugged, pulling him out to the desk for the maternity ward. "Just means she loves this dude, not that she's replacing anyone."
He followed her to the counter. "I... Judy Collins?" he asked, his body trembling with nerves of seeing his mom again.
"Don't mind my boyfriend," Santana smiled charmingly at the young man behind the desk, "he's just freaking out about being around so many babies. We were told his mom's here? Judy Collins?"
The nurse smiled and nodded. "Yes, and she just got back to her room from delivery. She's right over there in three-twenty-one." He pointed across the way. "Congrats on the baby brother!"
"Brother?" He asked stunned as Santana dragged him towards the room. "I'm... scared." He said as he looked at the door.
"You're the bravest man I know," she reassured him with a gentle kiss. "Outside of mi papi of course," she teased. "You can do this and who the fuck cares who the daddy is? He's your little brother and Russell's dead so there ain't no way you'd let anyone fuck him up, right?"
"My... my mom's in there?" he asked. "Can.. can you look before I go in and make sure?"
"Sure, Cap. I'll scout it out for you." Santana nodded, squeezing his hand before letting go to open the door and peek in. "Judy?"
The woman on the bed opened her eyes tiredly to peer over at the girl in the door. "S-santana? Where's Quinn?"
"Being chickenshit. You good for a visit?"
She nodded, reaching out a weak hand towards the door. "Please. I need to see my boy."
"Q?" Santana turned around and looked at him, reaching a hand for his, "She wants to see you. Come on. I'll be right here. Promise I won't leave."
Quinn took her hand and slipped into the room. He was nervous about looking fully male in front of his mother for the first time ever. He had on a pair of cargo shorts and a fitted t-shirt. His muscles in his arms were more defined from a year of boxing and swimming, his hair was still shaggy and a bit lighter blonde from the pool. He looked up and his eyes softened when they rested on his mother for the first time in over a year.
"Mom..." He whispered as he stood near the bed.
"Quinn," she breathed, reaching up to stroke her fingers gently along his arm. She smiled tiredly at him. "You look so handsome. So strong. I've missed you so much... can you forgive me?"
He nodded. "Yes," he said softly before falling into her arms and holding her close. "I'm sorry I didn't protect you. I'm sorry he found you... I should have done better."
"He's gone, baby," Judy whispered, stroking his back. "I... I killed him. I finally protected my babies. You're safe now, Quinn. He can't hurt you anymore."
He sobbed into her neck. "I'm sorry... are you gonna get in trouble mom."
She shook her head. "It's okay. He broke in. Tried to kill John and I... it's okay. I promised I wouldn't let him hurt you anymore."
It was Santana who noticed the nurse coming in with the baby wrapped in a blue blanket. The man holding the child smiled. "Momma, I've got someone who wants to see you."
"Hey, Q," Santana called after catching a glimpse of the brown little baby in the blanket, "I think your love of tanned beauty runs in the family. Why didn't you say your guy's chocolate, Mama Collins?"
Quinn sat up and on the edge of the bed, wiping his eyes. "What?" he asked as she watched the nurse put the infant into his mother's arms. "He's... he's so little," Quinn gasped in a whispered tone as his eyes focused on the child.
Judy chuckled softly and took the baby into her arms, leaving one of her hands on Quinn's ankle. "This is your brother, Quinn."
"Look, Q," Santana whispered, leaning over his shoulder with a smile, "he's got your nose. Gonna be a handsome devil like his big bro."
Judy nodded, brushing fingers gently over his cheek. "He's going to need a strong big brother to model himself after." She smiled hopefully up at Quinn. "Someone who'll take care of him and keep an eye out for him and teach him the things parents can't."
"Is he okay?" he asked softly, "He's safe and not hurt?" His fingers reached over and ran over the infant's feet.
"He's perfectly fine," the nurse reassured him. "Just a week and a half early, but he seems to be fully developed."
"Just like his big brother," Judy murmured, smiling as the baby gripped one of her fingers. "He's in a hurry to see and do everything. Both of my boys are like that."
"Must be a family thing," Santana smiled, finally really relaxing now that Quinn was starting to.
"Can... Can I hold him?" Quinn asked softly as he looked up to his mother. "Can... I hold my brother?"
"Of course you can," Judy smiled, holding the baby up so Quinn could take him. "Here, sweetie, meet your big brother Quinn. He's going to help your daddy teach you how to be a real man so you listen to him."
"Where's his dad?" Santana asked as she looked around the room, "Shouldn't he be here gushing all gross and whatever about his spawn?"
Quinn carefully took the baby and held him in his arms. "Hi," he said softly, "You're so tiny..."
The baby made a soft gurgling noise and blinked unfocused eyes up at Quinn, reaching up to grip a finger. Judy watched for a moment before turning a pained expression Santana's way.
"He's in surgery," she admitted softly. "He got hurt really bad keeping Russell away from me and...I think I accidentally shot him too because he was so close."
"He's okay?" Quinn said nervously. "I don't want the baby to not have a dad becasue of my father..."
"He's in surgery," she repeated, clearly worried. "I've been in here since they brought me in so I don't know anything."
"Want us to go check on him for you?" Santana asked softly, gently stroking Quinn's back as he held the baby.
"I don't wanna leave my mom," Quinn said quickly. "I'm not leaving. I just got her again."
"Hey, young man," Judy scolded. "You've got school to attend to. You have to be a good example for your brother. Besides," she shrugged with an unhappy sigh, "I don't know if we're going to stay up here since the house is all tainted now..."
"I'm taking time off," he said simply. "Santana called our school and coaches... I'm not leaving you."
"Quinn, sons leave their mothers," she pointed out, reaching up to gently squeeze one of his arms. "It's part of growing up, sweetie. And you've got Santana here to help you. I'm not going anywhere anymore. Alright? You're my son... and the first of my family to go to college. Don't you want to be a good example for him?" She nodded at the bundle in Quinn's arms.
He looked down, feeling guilty for wanting to drop out of college. "Okay, mom," he whispered and held the baby closer. "I'm sorry... I'll be better for you."
She shook her head. "You be you. You're my son. My Quinn. That's all I need. I don't need better, though I hope I don't get worse. I just need my boys. I lost my Frannie a long time ago, but if I have my boys, I'll be okay."
"I'm gonna go see how Mama Collins's man is," Santana whispered, leaving the little family to their reunion. "Let him know the good word."
Quinn looked up and nodded at Santana before slipping into the space next to his mother and handing the baby back to her. He cuddled into his mom's side and watched his brother. "You didn't tell me you were pregnant."
"I didn't know where you were," she admitted quietly. "Didn't know if you'd answer if I called... or if that man would find you if I contacted you. I'm sorry I was gone so long, Quinn."
"You went away for over two years," he said sadly. "You missed graduation and sending me to college." He looked down at the baby. "Don't do that to him, okay?"
"Never again," she shook her head, tears dripping down her face. "Leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, Quinn. I don't have the strength to do it again. Not to you or anyone else."
He sniffled, "You're... okay with me looking like this?" Quinn's voice trembled as he looked up, "I know I look different now."
"You're my boy." She smiled at him with a shrug. "Maybe you weren't always my boy, but you are now and I'm proud of you, Quinn. I'm so proud of you. Are you?" she licked her lips nodding at the door where Santana had vanished.
"Huh?" He asked as he looked up. "Am I what?"
"You and her. Santana." She offered a little smile. "It's obvious there's something there. Is it serious?"
"Yes," he said honestly. "We live together."
"Are you happy?" she asked softly, hugging him awkwardly with one arm.
"Very," he said simply. "She's amazing. We've been together for almost three years. We were together when this happened. She knew about me before I was able to be living as me."
"She sounds pretty wonderful," Judy whispered softly, stroking his hair. "All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy, Quinn. I'm not your father. I won't judge you like he did. Not ever. I just want you to be happy."
He nodded. "What's the baby's name?" he asked softly.
"I think we should wait for him to meet his daddy before deciding." She sighed softly. "I want you to meet John, Quinn. He's a good man. I swear he is. He'd never hurt me or you or this little one."
"Okay," He yawned as he let his eyes fall closed from the long drive.
"I've missed you so much, Quinn," she whispered, kissing the top of his head.
It was nearly a week before John was considered stable enough to be moved out of the ICU and into the room with Judy. Though he complained about not being able to hold his girlfriend, he was happy just being with her. The charges against Judy had been dropped - especially in light of finding the missing Johnson girl in the trunk of his car two blocks away, raped and traumatized but alive.
Judy laid there in the bed, watching the man she'd fallen in love with hold their son with such a look of wonder on his face that the difference between him and Russell were night and day.
"He's so small," John murmured, smiling in awe at the baby yawning up at him as he gently stroked his cheek. "We made this?" he asked softly, glancing over at Judy. "We made this beautiful little creature?"
Judy chuckled. "He's precious and he needs a name. I can't keep calling him baby for the rest of his life."
"What about Shane?" he asked almost shyly. "My daddy's name was Shane. He was a good man, Judy. I wish you could have met him."
"I wish that too," she said with a smile. "How about... We have him Shane for your father and William for my grandfather?" she looked over at him. "Shane William."
"I like it. It's a good, strong name. Shane William Estenson," he glanced at her shyly. "if you'll let him have my name that is."
"Of course. He's our son." She smiled as she carefully came over to his bed and sat on the edge. "He's our child... and my son is still in my life which I think God for everyday."
"I want to meet Quinn," he whispered as he leaned over to rest his head on her shoulder, his eyes never leaving the child they'd made together. "I want... I need to ask him something very important."
"Now that you're getting better you will meet him." She smiled. "And his beautiful girlfriend." Judy ran her fingers over her son's hand. "They're coming by when visiting hours open back up. They're going to have to go home soon."
"Their home is with us too." He spoke as if it was obvious. "I mean... we can't... I don't want to raise our little boy in a house tainted by a madman's death, Judy. I just... I don't think I can do that."
"I don't want to ether..." She whispered, "It's not good for any of us... We should... we should move to a different place. I need to start over again."
"How about," he took a deep breath and let it out slowly, passing Shane back to Judy when he started fussing too much for his injured arm to support, "how about we think about moving to Ohio? I know I got history here and all but my family's either out in California or overseas and... you need to be by both of your sons. So does Shane. He needs his big brother to keep him straight."
"You'll have to leave your job and take the teaching exam again," she said softly. "I don't want to uproot your life."
"You and this baby are my life, Judy Collins," he pointed out sternly. "And Ohio and Maryland are reciprocal states for certification and the PRAXIS Two is used by both states. Even if they do make me take another test, it's worth it."
"You'd move to Ohio?" She asked softly. "I never thought I'd go back..."
"I'd move anywhere in this whole wide world if it'd make you happy, Judy. You need Quinn and Quinn's in Ohio." He shrugged as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "We can sell the house - after it's been cleaned of course - and use the money to buy a fresh place in Ohio. A place to raise Shane William and where Quinn and his girlfriend are welcome whenever."
She smiled, "What did I do to deserve you?" she asked softly. "To deserve a second and a third chance at life and being a parent."
"Spent the first part of your life with that nasty piece of work you used to call your husband, I figure." He smiled lopsidedly and leaned in to kiss her softly, wincing slightly as he pulled back from the pressure put on his stitches. "I love you, Judy Collins. You and this little mite. Best parts of my life."
"I love you too," she smiled and kissed his gauze patch. "I love you and our boy."
"Good. Promise me a few minutes of one on one with your other boy?" he asked with smirk. "I need to makes sure him and I are on the same page about stuff."
She looked at him nervously. "O...okay." She looked almost frightened of any man interacting with Quinn.
"I promise nothing bad will happen, baby," he murmured, reaching up with his good hand to stroke her cheek. "Sometimes men just need a little one on one about the ladies in their life to make sure everything's okay. And... I really need an answer to my question for him. It's important."
"Okay... He's... He's fragile." She swallowed. "That's my fault."
"He's not glass, Judy." John shrugged. "And even if he is, that boy has got to be tempered by now. Nothing I can do to him - or at least nothing I would ever willingly do to him - is going to break him."
"I know." She sighed, her guilt about Quinn weighing down on her. "I'll spend some time with Santana while you talk with him."
"Oh... girl talk while the guys discuss you?" He laughed, trying to cheer her up. "Please avoid discussing my virility. I'm not sure I could take the embarrassment."
"You made this guy," she teased as she took their son who had started to fuss and worked her shirt open so she could feed him.
"Mmm, I think I'm a little jealous of that guy right now," he teased gently. kissing her shoulder.
"You can have me when you're healed," she teased, "and when I'm not post delivery."
"Tease," he smirked, leaning in for a kiss.
"Whoa! Hold up! Parentals kissing is so not on," Santana groused, spinning around to face a blushing Quinn. "Q, why do old people have to be so PDA?"
"Your parents are worse," Quinn smiled before wrapping his arms around Santana. "Just shut it and be good," he teased. "We can come back if you want, Mom."
Judy laughed. "Come on in. I'm just feeding Shane. No hanky panky here. Come meet John, Quinn. He's been asking about you."
John smiled at the young man, trying to seem open and warm. "Hi, Quinn. I'm Johnathan Estenson, but most people just call me John. I'm," his cheeks darkened, "your mom's boyfriend."
"Shane," he smiled as he moved closer with Santana. "It's nice to meet you, sir."
Judy giggled again, a soft almost girlish sound. "Yes, our youngest finally got a name. Shane Williams Estenson."
Santana grinned. "No offense, Q, but that is way better than Fabray. I like it. I'm Santana Lopez, by the way," she reached out to shake John's hand. "This lump's girlfriend."
"It's nice to meet you, Santana," John smiled at her. "Quinn, I, um, was wondering if you'd be okay having a man to man talk with me while our ladies coo over the newest addition in the waiting area?" He smiled nervously, his heart beating faster at the idea of the question he had in mind to ask.
"Hey, someone's gotta make Fabray a good name again. Plus, baby, you're gonna be a Fabray someday right?" he smiled and looked at her.
"Am I?" Santana asked softly, looking up at him uncertainly. They'd never really talked about any of this - marriage or changing names - and it was taking her by surprise. "I thought you didn't like your name or...or anything that came from him..."
"I don't wanna change everything about of me." He shrugged, "I can talk with you, sir. Mom, do you and San want to go and get coffee?"
"Um, yeah. Sure. Come on, Mama Collins, let's go see if the cantina has anything edible," Santana murmured, helping her into the wheelchair left in the room so she could hold onto her son.
As they left, John looked slightly worried. "Did you just spring something that big on your girl, Quinn? That's something to be talked about don't you think?"
He shrugged and sat down into a chair near his bed. "I mean, I'm not talking about it now... Someday I wanna marry her, but it's not like I can until I get my medical forms changed."
"That's pretty obvious, but I meant you need to talk to her before springing something like that on her." He looked at the young man in concern. "Giving up her family name is a big deal. Are you sure she wants to do that? My momma always said that a man who presumes agreement from a lady and does what he wants isn't a man at all and that doesn't fit with the way Judy talks about you."
"We've never talked about it," he said. "We've been dealing with other shit." Quinn rubbed his eyes before smoothing out his shirt and rubbing his scar in his knee. "Sorry my mom shot you. She should have just shot the whole clip into his head."
"That's life. Dealing with shit that is." He shrugged with his good shoulder. "She didn't mean to hit me. The bullet went through that nasty man and hit me, that's all. He was sick piece of work with a letter opener. You heard about the little girl that was found in his trunk?" He shook his head with his lips twisted in disgust, "If I'd known what he'd done to her, I'd have ripped certain parts from his body and shown him what kind of beast I could be."
"You should see my chest if you wanna see some fancy work with a letter opener," Quinn stated, "He more or less tried to skin me." He took a breath. "And yeah, the police talked to me. They got ahold of the police report the Lima PD buried. I wish I could do something for the girl or her family. I feel, like, responsilble for her being hurt."
"You're not." John held his gaze with his own. "You're not responsible for her or me or anyone else that nasty piece of work ever hurt. You didn't make him be like that and you try taking that blame on your shoulders and you're going to be old and burnt out way before your time. You trust me on that."
"Whatever." He sighed. "I'm sorry you got hurt anyway."
"I appreciate it." A silence fell between them for a while. Quinn sitting awkwardly in the chair and John plucking at his blanket. Finally the man spoke up. "I, um... I have something really big to ask you and I've been putting this off cause I feel like I should ask you first, man to man, you know?"
Quinn looked up and cocked his head to the side, "What else could you wanna ask? You already knocked up my mom..."
John winced at that. "That was an accident, Quinn. We...kind of ran before we were walking and I thought I was infertile, so... It wasn't intended, but I don't regret that little boy or being with your mom one bit."
"Look, I'm sure your great... but it's only been a few years for her. She's only been away from him for a couple years... and she hooked up with you and now has another kid. Forgive me for being worried."
"Yeah," John sighed, his big frame almost visibly slumping. "Guess I don't even gotta ask to know the answer. I...I fucked things up. Let things go way too fast. I'm sorry, Quinn."
"You're gonna marry her right? I want my brother to have a family... a good one." He said, "Like Santana's... all family dinners and love and shit."
John laughed sadly. "That's what I was gonna ask you. If it was okay. If you'd give your blessing for me to marry your mom. Because I've been waiting all this time to meet you so I could ask... But you just pointed out every way I've screwed things up in just a couple breaths."
"She's my mom," he reminded him. "She deserves to be safe... and loved. She never got treated right, but she deserves to be." He sighed and rubbed his face. "Did she stop drinking to have the baby?" he asked softly, his hands worrying each other.
"We're both sober," he whispered. "We met through AA, if that's not just another damning stamp against me. God...we've only been together nine months," he breathed, hiding his face with his good hand. "Nine months...is that all I can have, Lord?"
"She..." He looked confused, "I thought it was longer... she wrote about you before she stopped writing when I was in school still."
"What do you mean she stopped writing?" He sounded confused for a moment before shaking his head and going back to the subject. "We're friends," he shrugged his good shoulder. "I let her stay in my spare room when she was scared to be home alone." He laughed ruefully. "She named my damn cat because apparently you can't call a cat Little Shit or Cat."
"Those are not cute names for a cat..." QUinn pointed out, "I'm so confused... I didn't know any of this."
"I didn't really want Melon," he shrugged, rubbing at his eyes. "I got him to keep Judy company when I heard she was lonely in her apartment, then I chickened out and kept him cause it's a weird thing to give a pretty girl you only met a few weeks ago. I just... Okay, so maybe I'm just an old man to you, but I," he swallowed, his jaw working, "I really love her, Quinn. I just want her to be happy and keep her safe..."
"Well... she obviously loves you too. She stayed with you and trusted you," he stated simply. "She doesn't trust people and she doesn't love people... but she loves you so that's what it is."
John's dark eyes opened as he rolled his head to look at Quinn. "Are you trying to say you don't think she loves you, Quinn? Because that's the stupidest thing I've heard in a while and I'm a grade school teacher. She put herself through hell with guilt over you, boy. You don't have any idea how often I've heard her crying at night because she misses you. She's your mom, Quinn. She wants you with her. We've been talking about moving to Ohio to be close to you since all this went down. So don't you dare think she doesn't love you so much that if you asked her, she'd leave me behind. Because I know she would."
"You have the two years I've had, then come fucking talk to me about how I think people feel about me," Quinn snapped. "You know nothing about me, or what I've been through. I'm not saying she doesn't love me, but I am saying she has a new family. You can marry her if you want."
"Quinn." He spoke softly, trying to keep him from leaving. "I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through, but I did face that same vicious son of a bitch and his goddamn letter opener. And you can believe this or not, but there was no way in hell I was letting him leave that house when he started yelling how he'd kill you. You didn't deserve anything he did to you, you understand me? Now, I know we don't know each other hardly at all, but you are the son of the woman I love and I want, more than anything, for you to be in Shane's life as his big brother. You might not think so right now, but you are a part of this family. Just as much as Shane or Judy or I am. I'm asking you're permission to marry your mom because I want you there. Because if you're not, then I can't marry her because she deserves to have her family there."
He looked at Quinn, willing him to see the sincerity in his face despite the bruising and stitches. "I won't marry her unless you're happy with this, Quinn. I will wait as long as it takes to convince you just how much I mean everything I'm saying."
"I just want her to be happy... that's all I care about." He said as he swollowed, "She deserves it. She didn't get to be in love, she didn't get to enjoy being a mother... she deserves that with you and Shane."
"And you," John insisted. "You're still her son, Quinn. Maybe you're nineteen, but she hasn't had you as a son hardly at all. You can still let her be your mom. Don't you know how important it is that you get a second chance with your mom? I wish I could have my mom back, Quinn. I miss her so much it hurts. But she's gone and I don't have the chance. Don't be so wrapped up in your pain you let this chance go."
Quinn just leaned back and sighed. He rubbed his face and looked away from the bed, "It's a lot to handle okay... I was doing fine until I got a call and everything got changed again. Things keep changing so fast..."
"That's life. I want to sell our house and move us closer to you and Santana, Quinn. You should have your family near by to support you," he murmured, watching the young man carefully. "I know there's no way in hell I can possibly be anything like a father to you, Quinn, but I would like a chance to be your friend if possible."
"Why would you move to Ohio? It sucks," he said with a confused look. "You should move somewhere good where Shane can grow up..."
"Because you're in Ohio and the only good place for my son to grow up is near his brother."
He sighed, "What if I end up moving with Santana? Then you're stuck in Ohio."
He shrugged. "We'll figure it out. You two have a few years before you graduate, right? I'm sure by the time you start pinning down where you want to go, we could have a plan in place."
"If that's what you want," he said softly. "I'd like to help out sometimes when I'm not working. Mom needs to meet San's family again too. They took me in after..."
"I'd like to meet them too if you're determined to make that pretty girl with you your wife. That'll make her Shane's sister after all." John smiled lopsidedly. "Besides, I think I owe them a big thanks for keeping you around to be his brother and Judy's son." He held out his hand. "I want to thank you too. For being strong enough to beat that vile motherfucker and coming to be with Judy when I couldn't."
"Of course I came. She saved my life," he stated. "She got me out when he was going to kill me... She saved me."
"Well, you saved her," John insisted. "You gave her the strength to go to AA. To get sober and divorced..."
"You'll get her into counseling?" he asked. "She's going to feel guilty for killing him... she does already. She's going to need to work though her past if you two want to work."
"She's not the only one who needs counseling, Quinn. I'm a third-grade teacher, not a soldier. I'd do it again, but...being part of taking a life is not easy."
"I get that and you both should go," Quinn replied, "but, she's been though a lot. More than she's probably told you, so she needs to go. Promise me you'll make sure she goes."
John watched him for a moment before nodding slowly. "Alright. I promise. I'll make sure she gets help, Quinn. Promise."
"Thank you," he said, his head turning when Santana wheeled Judy back in. The girl smiled and carefully handed Quinn a coffee and set hers on the table.
"I brought you a muffin, John." Santana said, handing it to him before settling down in Quinn's lap, the young man's arms automatically wrapping around her waist to keep her safe.
"Thanks, Santana," he smiled at her, picking a bit off the muffin and eating it.
Santana smiled at him before snuggling into Quinn's embrace. "Missed you," she whispered, kissing him softly. "Your mom is kinda weirdly awesome though."
He smiled and wrapped his arms around her. "So is yours," he said before taking a sip of his coffee.
"We won the mom lottery," she teased. "Wanna leave the old people to snuggle or whatever and find some lunch or dinner to bring back?"
"Sure," He said before letting her get up. He leaned over and kissed his mom's cheek, then Shane's head. "I'll be back, mom."
"Come on, handsome. I want some one on one time with my man for a bit."
Quinn let Santana pull him out of the room. He yawned slightly and took another sip of his coffee, "I'm tired..."
"Come on, babe. Let's go back to the motel and get our cuddles and sleep on," Santana smiled at him. "Maybe I'll give you a rub down and some special treatment to relax you too."
He smiled and took her hand and followed her out to the car.