Trusting You to Catch Me - Chapter Fifteen
Title: Trusting You to Catch Me
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: NC-17
Length: 86,330
Spoilers: Everything up to On My Way and then deviating from there with minor Big Brother references.
Pairing: Santana/Quinn, Brittany/Santana/Quinn/Rachel friendship, mentions of Brittany/Santana, some Finn/Rachel (not positive)
Summary: Following her accident, Quinn experiences the gamut of emotion: denial to acceptance to healing and everything in between. But through it all are her friends patiently helping her with caring and friendship and maybe more.
Warnings (highlight to read): eating disorders, severe accident recovery, graphic sex, verbal abuse, minor violence, family issues, cheating, body image issues
Chapter 15
Graduation day dawned clear, sunny and windy. Papers whipped and fluttered around the football field as the staff tried desperately to keep them in place with rocks and paperweights hijacked from offices. Red robes snapped and lashed at legs chilled by the stiff breeze as the senior class of 2012 sat in neat-ish rows on the patchy grass of the field. Hands held caps in place as the speakers thumped at whined at Principal Figgins tapping on the microphone.
"Is this thing on?" he muttered into it. "Oh. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Greetings, seniors. Today you are leaving us to pursue great things. From McDonald's," he paused as someone cheered, "to college or even the military," someone - it sounded suspiciously like Puck - whooped, "you will all do marvelous things and make us all very, very proud that you are alumni of William McKinley High School. Go Titans." He made a half-hearted fist pump. "Well. I will now turn the microphone over to Michael Chang, your valedictorian."
Santana crossed her arms as she listed to Mike Chang speak, she was half a grade mark away from being valedictorian and she wasn't pleased. She glared behind her black aviators at the stage while he spoke, her head slightly bobbing to the music pounding through her iPod headphones.
Quinn swallowed nervously as he finished as Principal Figgins started calling out the names of the seniors. She licked her lips, alternating between smoothing her hands over her robe and wringing the arms of her chair as she tried to calm her anxiously fluttering heart as she thought about what she was going to do when they called her name. They'd all worked so hard on it and she was pretty sure she could do it, but anxiety still made her hands sweaty and trembling.
Rachel crossed the stage with a confident grin, accepting her diploma and leaping into the air happily as she reached the bottom of the ramp off the stage before pointing at Quinn with a bright grin and a thumbs up. Quinn rolled her eyes at the gesture, but she smiled and relaxed a little. She looked over her shoulder to where Santana sat in the rows behind her, wanting reassurance from her direction too.
Santana looked up over the rim of her glasses and winked at Quinn. She was proud of the blonde and she couldn't wait to see her get her diploma. She reached her hand out and bumped her fist against Rachel's when the girl came back to the seats before turning her attention back to Quinn.
Quinn smiled gratefully and turned back to the stage. When her name was called, she took a deep breath and rolled up to the stage through the grass with a little difficulty. Once she got to the top of the ramp, instead of wheeling across the stage, she carefully locked the wheels and braced her hands on the arms.
The low roar of muted whispering fell silent as people started to realize what was happening. Carefully setting her feet on the floor of the stage, Quinn took a careful breath and pushed herself up right. She wobbled for a moment, dizzy, before straightening and taking first one, then two steps.
Her progress across the stage was slow, but steady and she smirked to see the shocked expression on Figgins's face as he watched her walking towards him. Taking the diploma from his hand, she shook the other one and smiled pleasantly at him, trying to hide how much the simple steps were taking out of her without a supporting device. "Thank you," she murmured, before making her way across the stage, desperately hoping Brittany had managed to grab her chair and get it over to the other end like planned with each nearly faltering step.
Santana saw the fact Quinn's legs had started to shake and was quickly out of her chair on the field and over to her side. She smiled brightly as she took the girl into her arms, "So proud of you," she whispered in Quinn's ear and let her hold onto her for support as they hugged. "I got you now."
"I knew you would," she whispered, with a tiny smile, an arm around Santana's neck as Brittany pushed her chair over so she could get in it. "Next time, I'm using my cane, but... that was worth it, I think." She smiled up at Santana, Brittany and Rachel - the third girl coming to join them - as she got settled back into her chair. "Walking across that stage without any help was almost better than I imagined winning Prom Queen would be."
"Totally." She smiled and winked at her. "Now, I gots to go get my diploma on," she said as she bolted back to the line where she was almost about to go up on stage.
Quinn and Rachel bid a goodbye to Brittany as they headed back to the seats - completely out of order as Rachel stopped Quinn's chair by her seat, but they didn't care. Rachel smiled at Quinn. "You were amazing up there," she murmured.
"Thanks," Quinn grinned, her eyes focused on Santana as she started up the ramp. "I couldn't have done it without all of your help."
"Of course you could have, but -" Rachel was cut off by Quinn waving at her distractedly as Santana started across the stage towards the podium in the middle.
Santana glided across the stage, her sunglasses still firmly in place as she walked up to Figgins. "Thanks," She said as she took the diploma and shook his hand, "It's been real," she stated as she walked away only to get pulled into a firm handshake from Coach Slyvester who was also on the stage.
"Good job, Jugs," she smirked as she shook the girl's hand. Santana smiled and nodded before getting off the stage and heading over to Rachel and Quinn.
"Yay!" Rachel jumped up and hugged her. "We did it!" Letting her go she dropped back into her seat with a blush at Figgins's irritated harumph into the microphone, she whispered, "We did it! We're out!"
"Just a few more days," Quinn smiled softly, reaching over to take Santana's empty hand and squeeze it, "then we can get out of here for real."
"Damn right," She said. "You guys ready for the house party tonight? Drinks, pool, awesomeness?" She smiled as she looked over at them and grinned.
"I don't know about drinks," Rachel murmured with an awkward flush, remembering the disaster from junior year, "but the rest sounds fun. I'm still fairly surprised Noah invited me."
"Stop being so wrapped up in the past, Rachel," Quinn rolled her eyes. "Puck likes you and you're our friend so you're in. Besides, it's mostly just Gleeks tonight anyway. Right, San?"
"Pretty much," She smiled. "It will be fun. We need a graduation party."
"I'm just glad not everyone's expected to dance at those things," Quinn murmured, playing with Santana's fingers absentmindedly as the ceremony continued.
"Quinn, stop it," Rachel huffed. "You'll have fun. Just relax."
"I'll relax when you do," she teased with a tiny smile.
"Oh snap," Santana teased. "But if all else fails we can just chill and go in the pool and do karaoke."
"Karaoke?" Rachel's eyes brightened at the idea.
"Oh God," Quinn groaned. "You had to say it. Do you really want to listen to Streisand Junior here belting out showtunes and the classics of the seventies all night?"
Santana leaned over and whispered in Quinn's ear, "Everyone will be drunk and that way I can sneak you away."
"And abandon Rachel?" she whispered back, raising a brow. "You know she doesn't have a clue how to handle those parties."
"Oh... we don't have to," Santana said softly and sat back in her chair. "Just offering." She watched as Figgins called everyone to stand up. Santana helped Quinn back to her feet and kept a hand on the small of her back as they all flung their hats into the air.
"May I present to you the Graduating Class of 2012!" Mr. Figgins exclaimed to a loud explosion of cheers.
"We did it!" Rachel cheered yet again, hopping up and down besides Santana and Quinn.
The party had all the classic signs of a Noah Puckerman House Party. Dimmed lights. More booze than was at all legal. Poundingly loud music and people everywhere. Rachel looked worriedly at the three girls with her . "I thought you said it'd be just Gleeks?" she yelled over the music.
"My bad," Santana shrugged. "All the Gleeks are out by the pool," she said as she took another swig from her red plastic cup.
"I have the distinct feeling you like it better like this," Rachel's words ended in a yelp when Brittany grabbed her around the waist and picked her up.
"Let's go dancing!" the taller girl cheered, carrying her off to the dance floor.
Quinn blinked as she watched them go. "Okay... did you see that coming?"
"Brittany is a attention whore... so is Rachel." Santana said as she watched them go away, "Whatever... I don't even care," she said quickly. "They can go fuck each other if that's what they want."
Quinn pulled her off into Puck's bedroom and closed the door, cutting off the worst of the noise. "Wow, bitter much? Rachel told us both she's not going to be having sex with Brittany. Why are you getting so upset?"
"Nothing," Santana said. "I don't care what they do," she stated looking down. "It's just fucking ridiculous. Brittany is so stupid because she can't even break up with me right without feeling the need to fucking flaunt it in my face by sleeping with everyone and kissing up on my friends. I'm surprised she didn't try to get into your pants yet!"
"Oh for God's sake, Santana!" Quinn snapped. "They're friends and they've both broke up with someone they love this year! And besides that, would you like me to start going on about how much I miss Sam and wish he wasn't dating Mercedes in front of you? Or maybe how much I wish Puck would want me? Huh?"
"I didn't say I wanted her, Quinn," Santana countered. "I said I wish she'd be considerate of my feelings and not fuck my friends." She pouted and crossed her arms. "It has nothing to do with you and me, It's just... she's trying to be my friend again and hurting my feelings all at the same time." She sat down on Puck's bed and sighed, "It's just annoying. That they can be all friendly and I can't hold your hand or kiss you."
"She's not fucking Rachel, for Pete's sake," Quinn growled, rolling over to bump her legs with her knees. "And who the hell says you can't hold my hand or... or kiss me? I don't see them making out in the hallways or on the dance floor, do you?"
She just shrugged, "It just sucks that my life imploded... I'm not okay right now and as good as I am at hiding it... it still doesn't mean I'm not okay."
"I'm not okay either," she whispered, looking at her. "No matter how close I might get, I don't know if I'll ever really be okay again. And no matter how bad things are for you, Santana, they're worse for me. You can walk and run and dance still. You got to know what it's like to have someone really love you. Your dad might be a jackass, but he didn't give you thirty minutes before throwing you out with nothing but what you could carry. You've got a mom who wants you and a little sister who's nuts about you and neither of them are vaguely recovering alcoholics.
"Things are bad in your life," she nodded, "but I thought maybe," her jaw worked. "I thought maybe I was something good in it..."
"You're the only good in it. The only thing that makes sense." Santana whispered as she reached over and pulled the girl into her lap. "I know I'm being stupid and a lot of my crap is my own doing," she said as she wrapped her arms around Quinn. "I just didn't expect it... I don't like being caught off guard and it caught me off guard."
Quinn leaned into Santana's embrace, off balance and startled by the sudden removal from her chair. "A little warning next time, please," she whispered shakily. "It's not that bad, San. Your dad doesn't hate you like mine does and you don't want to live with Cherie anyway. And... and we're leaving soon. Can't you just ignore them?"
"I kinda thought he'd still come," She shrugged, "It's stupid, I thought someone would come for me... But, yeah we're out of here soon. Now we just need to pack."
"Didn't he?" she asked confused. "I could have sworn I saw him there... are you sure he didn't?"
"Doesn't matter," She shrugged, "I didn't see him... So, I don't know. I was looking though." She snuggled into Quinn's body. "I'm excited to get away with just you... even if we have to bring Rachel."
"She's not so bad," she murmured. "And now that she finally has her license, she can help drive. Better than I can anyway."
"Truth, but I doubt I'll let her. I'm protective of my car.... and you," she said softly as she kissed the girl's bare arm.
"I'm protective of you," Quinn pointed out softly with a little shiver, "and I don't want you driving tired. It's almost as bad as driving drunk or texting while driving and look where that got me."
"In my lap," she teased. "But yeah. I know. I've got money set aside so we can get a hotel sometimes if we need to."
"And Rachel and I can help with that too." She reached up to idly trace her fingertips along Santana's neck. "You know, I was kind of worried we'd end up here," she whispered.
"Why, beautiful?" Santana asked as she looked at Quinn.
"Well, for one, this is Puck's bed and nothing good happens here," she pointed out with a wry smirk. "But mainly because... much as I might want to, I know we're not really ready for what could happen yet."
"Yeah," She said softly, "Can I just kiss for a bit then we can go?"
Quinn smiled lopsidedly. "I think that could be arranged," she whispered, the hand on the back of Santana's neck gently pulling her closer.
After spending some time just kissing, Santana had managed to pull away and get them out of Puck's bedroom. She left Quinn to chat with Rachel and Tina while she slipped outside to Puck's sister's tree house to take some time away from all the noise and people. She laid back and looked at the stars through the hole in the roof as she puffed on her joint.
"San?" Brittany's voice filtered up before her head popped through the hatch to the steps. "I thought you'd be here when I couldn't find you with Q or Rachie." She wiggled up into the house. "Are you okay?"
"Just a lot of people down there," She shrugged after taking a puff. "I don't really like these type of things, you know that. Some fucking jock tried to get up on me so I left Q with Rachel and then came up here."
"Yeah," she nodded sitting against the wall near Santana. "Puck kicked him out when he found out. He was totally pissed. San?" she asked softly. "Are you really leaving with Q and Rachie next week?"
"Yes," she said between puffs. "I'm gone. I have no home here, no family and if Cherie doesn't keep talking shit about me I'll kill her and go to jail... So yeah, leaving."
"She's not a nice lady," Brittany agreed sadly. "I'm gonna miss you, Sannie."
"I'll miss you too, but you'll come visit right?" Santana asked as she looked over at the blonde.
"Yeah. Much as I can," she smiled and nodded. "But I gotta focus on my homework this year and do good so I can go to college like everyone else."
"You will," Santana said lazily. "You're smart... just you need to focus."
She shook her head. "I'm not smart like you or Quinn or Rachie, but I'm good at moving and knowing how my body works. Rachie showed me stuff on her computer about how I could go to school and be a therapist like Andi if I work hard and get good grades this year. That way if I get hurt and can't dance anymore, I can still do something. I think that's a good thing."
"I think so too," Santana said as she stubbed out the butt. "I think that you would be really good at helping people like Quinn get better. I know you can get good grades this year, you just gotta focus on you okay? Promise me? No more boys or girls taking away all of your attention."
"No more," she whispered with a shy smile. "I'm happy you like Q, Sannie. She can keep up with you better than I can. It's better to be with someone whose head's like yours. All smart and stuff."
She looked at Brittany and raised her eyebrow, "How... How did you know?" she asked softly. "That I have feelings for Quinn?"
Brittany shrugged. "I know you. You've been part of me forever so sometimes it's like I know what you're thinking. And you've always liked Q. But now she's ready to like you too so that's awesome. I want you two happy."
"I... want you to feel happy too, if that's with Rachel that... I'd understand that," she said softly.
She blinked. "I'm not with Rachie. We just have fun."
Santana just shrugged. "I guess, it still... just be careful. You love so much and I don't want you getting hurt anymore because people don't love you enough back."
"I know," she nodded. "You don't have to worry about Rachie though. It's just nice to be with someone who broke the heart of the person they love for good reasons. She knows what it feels like." She smiled down at her hands, toying with a piece of grass that had gotten caught in her shoe. "I love Rachie, but she's like my little sister. Only totally my age. She said she'd help me if I couldn't figure out hard stuff this summer and next year. Did you know you can help over a computer? It's wild."
"I know right?" She said, "You can talk to me on skype too, you know that right? Whenever you're scared or nervous you can just call me up and see my face."
Brittany looked up and brightened. "Will you help me with school sometimes too? If it's super hard and Rachie's confusing?"
"Totally. I'm sure Quinn will too. She's better at some stuff than me anyway," Santana said as she rubbed her eyes.
"Good, cause I'll need lots of help." She looked embarrassed, twiddling her thumbs. "I'm way behind on lots of stuff."
"That's why you're doing summer school and you'll go back in the fall."
"Yeah, I really wanna graduate next year. Maybe you, Q, and Rachie can come back for graduation if I do?" she asked hopefully.
Santana launched herself at Brittany and tackled her. "Of course! You will graduate and we will be here waiting for you and cheering you on."
Brittany hugged her, holding her close. "Good, cause you guys are like my bestest friends and you're my bestest best, so I need you to like clap for me and stuff."
"Totally. Then you can road trip with us back if you'd like! Have a fun summer before you start school."
"Really?!" She grinned happily, "That'd be totally awesome! Then me and Rachie can go do stuff while you and Q have sexy times," she teased.
"Yeah right," Santana rolled her eyes. "I'm pretty sure you and Rach will be having far more sexy times than Q and I."
Brittany laughed. "I don't wanna have sexy times with Rachie! She's an awesome kisser, but I'm more picky about who I have sex with now. You taught me that."
Santana laid her head in Brittany's lap and nodded. "Good, because sex in love is so much better."
"I know," she whispered, leaning down to kiss Santana's forehead. "That's why it was always best with you. I want that again with someone someday and Rachie and I don't love each other. I don't think we ever will like that. But that's okay cause we're awesome friends."
She nodded. "I'm scared that's how it will be with me and Quinn," Santana admitted. "We've been friends for so long..."
"That's silly. You two are way too much like us to be like me and Rachie."
"Not really, Quinn and I spent like ninty percent of our friendship hating each other and trying to be better and more popular."
"No, I mean now, silly." Brittany grinned.
Santana looked up, her face contorted in confusion. "No entiendo."
"You're... like we were. Before sweet lady kisses. Don't you remember?"
"But.... we always had them, since we were like eleven..."
"Yeah and before that?" she grinned at her. "You just wanted to hold my hand and cuddle. You were the most awesome teddy bear, San. And now you're Q's teddy. You really haven't had sweet lady kisses with Q though?"
She blushed and hid her face in Brittany's shirt trying to hide the red that she knew was on her face.
Brittany's eyes widened with a little squeal that covered the pang of hurt in her eyes at Santana moving on. "You have! San, that's awesome! Is she a good kisser? She looks like she'd be a good kisser."
Santana just nodded against Brittany's stomach.
"You're gonna be good together," she murmured, running her fingers through Santana's hair. "I thought you'd end up with either Rachie or Q. Q needs you more though. This is a good thing, San."
"Could have stayed with you," she said softly. "Would have made it work."
"Nuh-uh," she whispered. "You gotta get out of here. This place isn't big enough for you. You're big and brighter than anyone and I'll always believe in you and love you, but you woulda gotten mad if you stayed."
Santana just shrugged and closed her eyes, "Still love you..."
"I love you too, but I love you being amazing even more." She smiled softly. "This is me being grown up, San. I'm not all the way there yet, but I'm trying. I know you need more than me just like I know you love me and I love you. I'll always love you. But Q needs you more and you gotta leave here more than you love me."
"I know," She sighed, "I know, but I just thought I should tell you."
"Telling me is good," she nodded. "Talking's always better than not. It'll be okay and we'll be awesome friends someday who just love each other too much okay?"
Santana nodded and sighed. "We should go rescue Rachel and Quinn..."
"Go to Q's place for pizza and cuddles?" Brittany asked hopefully. "Gotta get in cuddles to make up for all the ones we can't have while we're all split up."
"Sure, sounds good," Santana said as she sat up and grabbed her bag before climbing down and waiting until Brittany got to the ground before heading towards the deck where Quinn was with Rachel and Tina. "Yo."
"Hi," Quinn smiled up at her, her eyes sparkling, "did you have fun out there?"
"Mmhm," Santana said as she stepped behind the chair and slid her arms over Quinn's shoulders. "Did you?"
"More fun now," she whispered, licking her lips and glancing around before pressing a quick kiss to Santana's lips before pulling back with a blush. "Definitely more now."
Santana giggled softly. "Mmm, you taste like pink," she teased, "Wine coolers?"
"Just one," she smiled, holding it up for Santana to sip. "I'm not risking more than that here."
"What about at home with me?" she whispered before taking a sip, "We can have a few more... and hang out while B and Rachel watch movies?"
"I think I wanna be sober if we hang out," she whispered back. "I think I'd wanna remember it all... and I don't want you associated with these." She wiggled her bottle slightly.
She pouted, "Can my hands wander while we watch a movie?" she said into Quinn's ear.
"Not if they're in the room," she gasped, blushing darkly. "I don't want witnesses. Not my thing."
"If it's dark? And... I have a blanket?" she asked before nipping the side of her neck while Rachel was off hugging goodbye to everyone.
"I'd still rather have you to myself for that," Quinn whispered as her head rolled slightly to the side and a hand came up to grip Santana's gently.
"Alright," Santana husked before pulling away, "Let's get everyone home."