Dare to be Aware - Chapter Thirty-Three
Title: Dare to be Aware
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 160,893
Spoilers: AU
Pairing: Santana/Quinn, past Brittany/Santana, Brittany/Artie mentions, Blaine/Sam, past Quinn/Finn, Quinn/Sam bearding, past Blaine/Kurt
Summary: What does it take to find your own identity? How much pain can you endure in the process?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Dysphoria, Violence against Trans, Trans Character, Explicit Sexual Content, Domestic Violence, Graphic Severe Violence, Hospitals, Transitioning, Rough Sex, Potentially dub-con/non-con situations, Abandonment
Chapter 33
It was disgusting.
The abomination that woman he had tied himself to was creating of herself. He had married her as the Bible instructed. He was a good Christian. He didn't understand why the Lord God was punishing him like this, but he would overcome the challenges set before him.
She had tainted herself by lying with a beast and was now sauntering around bragging about how she was with its child. He could not take her to his bed again. She had to be destroyed as did the half-breed mongrel growing in her womb. And the beast that spawned it.
The letter opener was cool in his sweaty palm as he rolled it in his hand. Every moment he saw the beast and his fallen wife together he wanted to be sick. He had lain with that woman. Sown her with his seed and provided for her. Had taken her to wife when she had become heavy with his first child. His precious Franny.
He reached over and gripped the whore's hair, dragging her down. "Do your duty, whore," he growled, pressing her face down onto his erection.
The girl in the torn uniform whimpered, trying to resist, only to be slapped hard and shoved back into the passenger seat, her bound arms keeping her from catching herself before her head smacked painfully hard into the glass.
"You need more training," he growled darkly, his eyes never leaving a smiling John helping his heavily pregnant girlfriend into his car as he threw the car into drive and pulled off.
"No," she whimpered, staring at him frightenedly with tears streaking her dirty face. "Please... just let me go home. Please... I won't tell. I promise I won't..."
"Shut up!" he barked, lashing out with the letter opener and tearing the grey blazer of her jacket. "You are a woman and need to be trained. I'll teach you as your father should have. I'll do his duty by you and teach you how to please a man, little whore. Maybe you'll even learn enough to be a wife someday."
His eyes darted about as he drove, flicking from the girl to the road to the dash and back. He mopped at the sweat lining his brow before wiping off a trickle of blood from his nose. "You'll see," he muttered, gripping the letter opener again before dropping it into the cup holder and gripping his member, "you'll be a good girl. Better than Quinn was. You'll see. And then you'll help me. You will. You'll help me get my revenge on the abominations. You'll help me one way or another."
"Dude?" Sam called softly as he headed out onto the tiny balcony of their apartment. "Why are you out here when San's like a freakshow mess in there? You guys okay?" He took one look at the sad loneliness on Quinn's face and dropped down on the cold ass concrete beside him. "You okay?"
Quinn slammed his fist into the punching bag he and Blaine had put up. "Fucking peachy," he panted as he smacked his wrapped hands against the bag again. He pulled back and brushed the sweat off his brow and let his neck roll back. He wore just baggy gym shorts and no shirt as he worked on punching out the feelings he had inside.
"Okay. Dude? You need to calm down and talk to me," he pointed out, leaning against the iron railing. "San's all bawling that you're breaking up with her and that's kinda a problem since I don't want her killing me in my sleep."
"She's being annoying." Quinn grumbled as he punched the bag again. "I said I didn't want to go to her parents, she doesn't like to hear no."
Sam stared at him for a moment. "You, like, love her parents, Q. What'd you do? Kill the family pet by accident and don't wanna fess up? Cause I totally know how that feels," he added with a wince.
Quinn just glared at him before going back to punching the bag. "I don't wanna deal with them. I don't want to celebrate my birthday and she's being stupid and not listening to me."
"It's your birthday? Since when?" At Quinn's incredulous look, Sam laughed. "Q, look, San's like... crazy. Like, seriously. But she's also crazy about you and you did take her to an amazing restaurant for her birthday. She just wants to do something nice for you. What's the big deal?"
"I'm not in the mood," he grumbled.
"But you are in the mood to make your girlfriend a nearly homicidal psycho again?" He raised a brow. "Dude, just talk to me. I'll be like your priest or whatever, but she's seriously freaking and I kinda don't want her to kill my boyfriend while he's trying to get her to stop the waterworks."
"I don't wanna be around her family. They're perfect and I just want my mom okay!"
"Oh so that's what this is about." He shrugged. "Look, I get missing your family, Q. You don't think I don't miss my family like crazy and I know where they are so I know it's not the same, but still. You could just tell her that. She'd get it. Dude, she's fucking Santana Lopez. Yeah, she's kinda a bitch, but when you need her, she has your back. And she loves your crazy ass. She's not gonna make you hang out with her folks if she knows you're missing your mom."
"It's stupid, she's never coming back. I know that... But I just want her too."
"Of course you do. She's your mom. Just cause you're a guy doesn't mean you don't want your mom." Sam shrugged again. "And hey, she said she'd come back after she dealt with your asshole of a dad, right? You told me that."
"Russell Fabray doesn't get dealt with..." he sighed. "He's going to find one of us then kill them. Then go after the other."
Sam climbed to his feet and glared at him. "To hell with that. That asshole shows his face around here and I'm practicing my grand slam swing on his head, got it? I still owe him a beating for hurting my best friend. Don't talk to me about how he'll hurt me either. I don't care. People don't get to fuck with my family."
Quinn just sighed and slammed a few more punches into the bag. "I'm just over this. I'm over everything right now."
Sam reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. "Can you please go talk to your woman and just tell her you miss your mom then? She's never been a bitch about it before."
He sighed and unwrapped his hands before grabbing a towel off the railing and heading inside. He walked into the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle before heading into his and Santana's room. "San?" he asked softly.
She was curled up on the bed facing away from the door. "What?" She sounded miserable and the little sniffle that he knew she'd completely deny at the end hurt. "I already called mom and dad and told them we're not coming so... whatever, okay?"
Quinn sighed and moved to sit on the side of the bed. "I'm sorry I'm being an ass..." he sighed. "I'm not in a good mood. I hate school, I hate life and I'm not happy." he rubbed his eyes and sighed. "I don't feel like celebrating my birthday."
"Yeah, I kinda figured that out," she muttered, tightening her arms around her knees. "You hate me along with everything else?" She hated that she sounded so small and miserable asking it, but she hated more that she wasn't sure of the answer.
"You're the only thing I like in this world," he reminded her. "You make it worth staying."
"Doesn't feel like it when I get fucking yelled at for trying to do something nice for your stupid birthday."
"I don't want to deal with this," he said softly. "I just love you and you make me happy. I just want my mom."
"Is that all?" Santana asked, finally rolling over to look at him, wiping away the traces of tears. "Why couldn't you just tell me? We didn't have to do anything. We coulda just stayed home and watched stupid movies or cuddled or whatever you wanted..."
"Because sometimes I just don't want to talk about shit and you push me! I didn't want to go to your parents. I drive that way every other day and see them all the time at work!" he exclaimed. "I just wanted to relax on my one night off when I didn't have any studying to do!"
She flinched as his voice raised and pressed her lips together. "You don't have to yell at me about it," she pointed out, moving to get off the bed. "I just told you we didn't have to go. Be pissed at me if you want, but I don't feel like getting yelled at by my boyfriend when I haven't even done anything wrong." She pushed off the bed, wiping at her eyes. "Text me or something when I can come home."
"Santana!" he exclaimed as he stood up and grabbed her around the waist. "Please don't leave... I'm... I'm not myself today and it's hard to not take it out on you. I'm sorry..." he whispered into her hair. "Please..."
"I don't wanna leave," she admitted softly, gripping his arms where they wrapped around her and leaning slightly back into him. "I just... it fucking hurts when you yell at me when I'm just trying to be a good girlfriend for you. I know I'm bad at relationships and I fuck things up but... God, Quinn! It just hurts and it sucks so much and I hate feeling like this! I'm trying..."
"You're so much better than me at this," he whispered. "I'm edgy today... between my mom, my birthday and getting a dose of T last night... I know it's not an excuse. I know that I should be better for you or I'm gonna lose you again."
"You're not gonna lose me just cause I gotta have space sometimes when shit's overwhelming, Q. I'm not that much of a bitch." She sighed turning in his arms to face him. "Look, I hate talking about feelings and shit as much as you, but we gotta talk when it's bad and I'm like a total hypocrite for insisting but I don't want to go through that break up again."
He nodded then flopped down on their bed. "I thought she'd be back by now," he sighed, " I know it's been almost two years, but I thought she'd come back."
Santana sighed and sat down beside him, running her fingers through his hair. "If she's not back by this summer... how about we take the summer off from my parents' place and go find her?"
He sighed and shook his head no. "She's done. She doesn't want to come back for me," he stated as he leaned back against her.
"Don't be stupid," Santana grumbled, tapping him on the head lightly. "She came to the hospital, saved your car and shit from that son of a bitch...got you out of there before he could..." she trailed off, not finishing the sentence. "She's your mom, baby. So maybe she won't win any awards but she's still your mom. You gotta know what happened even if she don't wanna come back."
"I wouldn't begin to know where to look..." he sighed. "Also I thought you wanted to try to study abroad for next summer?" he asked softly. "You wanted to go to work with the department somewhere?"
"Yeah, well, I can do that next year," she shrugged with a little smile. "It's more important to me that you'll be okay when I'm away, and knowing what happened to your mom is gonna help a lot with that I'm betting."
"I don't want you to miss out on something because I'm pathetic." he sighed, "I don't even know what I want to do and you do."
"Come on, don't be like this." She shook her head, lightly scratching his scalp. "I'm not freaking Berry, okay? What I want to do isn't more important than us. It's just not. Just cause I wanna do something doesn't mean I'll be happy doing it if you're not happy or okay. Besides, we're just sophomores. The good internships don't open up until you're a junior. Everyone knows that."
He nodded and closed his eyes. "Would you hate me if I dropped out?" he whispered softly.
"Don't be stupid. I don't love you cause you're a college student," Santana scoffed. "But will you be happy? That's all I care about, Q. That you're happy and you love me. The rest of that shit is just details. We can deal with details when the important shit's handled."
"I'm not really getting anything but annoyed by school..." he sighed, "it's not what I want to be doing at all and like... I don't like wasting my money on something I don't like."
"Then once you're done with this semester, don't sign up for another." Santana shrugged like it was the most obvious thing to do. "If you want to try again later, you've got these credits to build on and you know I'll support you in whatever you want. Right?"
"Why are you so amazing?" he asked softly before turning over and resting his head against her legs.
"Because I'm Santana fucking Lopez!" She laughed, leaning down to kiss him. "And I love you. Screw all that other shit. You and me is good enough for me."
He smiled into the kiss. "You'll be okay it's me being home and making you dinner every night? Making you a kept woman."
"Excuse me? Who do you think is gonna work her ass off to support her family?" Santana smirked at him. "I got no trouble being the breadwinner if you wanna be my househusband."
"Nah, I wanna be able to provide for you too." He smiled and kissed her hand, "I want everything with you, so I'll figure out what I wanna do so I can be equal to you."
"We'll figure it out so don't stress," she whispered leaning down to kiss him again. "Fuck anyone who tries to get in our way, right?"
"Right," he said softly. "Think I can make dinner for you then take a bath with you for my birthday?"
"Yeah," she smiled down at him, combing her fingers though his hair, "that sounds good though I'm not seeing how I'm giving you anything special that way."
"You live with me," he shrugged. "You make everything worthwhile."
"Yeah, but it's your birthday, babe," she watched him as she continued to gently scratch his scalp. "You made my birthday so amazing that I want to do something special for you. Something I don't do all the time."
"Um... Wanna go out to dinner? We never really do that," he pointed out as he looked at her. "Or you could just be naked and let me watch you for awhile."
"Don't I do that most Saturdays?" she teased gently, reaching up to toy with a button. "But anything you want, Quinn. It's your birthday and I won't say no if you ask."
"Lose the clothing," he smiled and kissed her as he sat back on the bed.
She smirked at him and shook her head before getting up to close the door to the room and begin slowly pulling her clothes off one by one as he watched until she stood naked before him. "This is all you want? Me naked?"
He smirked and nodded. "Yes."
"You are such a guy." She laughed softly, climbing up on the bed again to stretch out beside him. "You know I'm not leaving this room naked while the boys are home. You want to spend your birthday in here?"
He smiled and rolled over and rested his head on her chest and his hand on her breast. "For now, yes. Then I'm gonna eat cake off of you."
Santana chuckled softly and ran her fingers though his hair, holding him close with her free arm. "Happy birthday, baby."
It was God's will that found the window in the room the vile pair obviously intended to house their spawn in partially open. John had left it ajar to air out after he'd finished painting so that the fumes wouldn't harm Judy, but Russell didn't care about that. It was his way in under the cover of darkness.
The metal of the letter opener's hilt was cool against the fevered heat of his palm. His hands trembled as he pushed the window open higher. He never noticed the glass stem he'd been using earlier fall from his pocket to clatter on the floor by the window as he climbed in.
It was time.
Time for the abomination that had been his wife to be purified. Time for the beast she'd lain with to be put down. He could feel his lips pull back in a fevered grin as he crept towards the door.
She was close. He could almost smell her. The letter opener whispered against his palm as he rolled it, shifting his grip. Her footsteps pausing outside the door were so familiar that he wanted to erase her from this world for the pain that familiarity caused him if nothing else.
When the knob turned and the door opened, he lashed out, his hand closing painfully hard on the thin wrist as he yanked her towards him. "Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it," he snarled, his voice trembling nearly as much as his drug fueled body as he set the point of the letter opener against her throat, "A woman must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it; that is a perversion. Leviticus eighteen twenty three. You have defiled yourself, Judy."
The instant he touched her her world felt like it had been set in fire. His touch against her skin caused her to breakout into a tremble. She looked at him, her eyes wide as she felt herself be thrown against door as it slammed open. She couldn't scream, she couldn't move. The weight of her stomach mixing with the fear that coursed through her body when she realized he was here.
"How dare you sin against me, Judy?" His voice was low and menacing. There was no fear of retribution in his eyes, no hint of mercy. "How dare you defile yourself with that beast!"
The roar of anger brought John charging in from where he'd been putting the groceries away. "Judy!" When he saw what was happen he threw himself at Russell with a shout, tackling the man away from his ex-wife. "Leave her alone!"
Judy got thrown to the ground in the process of being protected. Her frail and swollen body hitting the floor hard. Her lips mumbled out words like divorce, monster, and Quinn as she tried to catch up the the moment going on.
John had no idea what he'd be getting into protecting his girlfriend. Russell struggled like a man possessed and it took every ounce of his strength to keep him from stabbing him again with the goddamn metal thing he was holding. He hadn't even reacted to his head bouncing off the ground as John had tackled him.
Russell snarled, clawing at the man holding him down and trying to bite anything close to his mouth as he fought to push the letter opener into the beast. "I'll kill you!" he shrieked, his voice strained as he fought. "I'll kill you! Then I'll kill her and your fucking evil spawn! Then I'll wipe that fucking abomination off the earth! I'll kill all of you! You're all abominations before the Lord!"
"That is my child!" John roared as he whacked Russell against the ground again. "My girlfriend! You filthy man!" He slammed him against the ground again.
Russell didn't react even after his head had cracked hard on the wood floor and started bleeding. "You can't stop me! You're a beast! You're nothing before a Godly man! They will all die and be purified in the fire!"
Judy watched in silence for a few moments before standing up, she held a hand to her stomach before walking dazedly to the bedroom and grabbing John's gun.
John yelled, fighting to get the letter opener gouging him pressed down against floor. "You don't belong here! This is my home! My family!"
"It is an abomination!" Russell growled, trying to bite him again.
Judy walked closer, the gun quivering in her grasp. "Did you kill him...?" she asked, her voice trembling. "Did you kill him?!" she called louder when there was no answer.
John barely heard her, but it sent a jolt of power through him as he realized what she was talking about. He slammed Russell down into the floor and yelled in his face. "Did you kill your son, you vicious bastard?!" He slammed him down again. "Did you kill Quinn?!"
His eyes were wild and bloodshot. "I'll kill it! I'll kill that monster!"
"You will never touch my children again!" she tried to yell, but it came out as a whisper, her voice trembling with fear. "All they tried to do was love you and be what you expected. But you ruined them."
"I won't let you touch any of them again! Not Judy, not Quinn and not our child!" John roared, twisting a wild stab by Russell into a pin, not noticing the letter opener until it slashed across his face, ripping his forehead open and dripping blood into his eyes.
John fell aside and Russell stood up on his knees. "Leave... Just please leave," Judy cried, her finger tightening almost involuntarily on the trigger.
Russell ignored her, lunging for John where he laid on the floor. "Fucking beast! You defiled my wife!" he shrieked, too lost in his drug haze to see anything but the man he wanted to kill, spittle flying from his lips. "I'll destroy you!"
With a simple pull the room was clouded in a thick echo. Judy pulled the trigger, the gun pointed at her ex husband.
Russell jerked as the first bullet slammed into his back and punched out his chest from the short range. John cried out in pain as the bullet slammed into his shoulder but he shoved himself back out of the way as Russell spun about on his knees.
"Shoot him again!" John yelled, his voice tense with agony. "Don't let him touch you!"
The sight of blood was almost too much, she looked at John and had tears running down her cheeks. She was terrified and everything in her body was shaking as Russell grabbed her leg.
John reached out and grabbed the back of his shirt. "Get off her!" he yelled, yanking him away from her. Pinning him for a moment he risked a look back at Judy. "It's alright, baby. Everything will be alright."
"Liar!" Russell roared, surging up and jamming the letter opener into John's injured shoulder, twisting it hard and making him scream and fall back.
With that, the gun jerked in her hands again as it fired a shot through Russell's neck. Judy watched as the man who terrorized her fell back to the ground at her feet, barely noticing the hot artieral blood splattering over her upper body as he turned towards her as he fell.
John pushed himself to his knees and crawled over to make sure Russell was dead before looking at Judy with his good hand keeping pressure on his shoulder, blood leaking through his fingers. "Call 911, Judy," he got out, breathing heavily past the pain. "It's over. He's gone."
She looked down at her blood drenched body, the gun clattering to the floor as it slipped from her fingers. "I... Oh, God," she whispered as she looked at John, her eyes wide as she trembled with shock. "What... What did I do?"
"You protected our family," he panted, slumping back against the wall. "Call, baby. Please. I...I kinda need some help here."
She got up and grabbed the phone from their bedroom. She dialed and held the phone to her ear, "I... I need help. My boyfriend is hurt... And I shot my ex-husband..."
"We've already been notified of shots being fired by your neighbors. An ambulance and police units are on their way, ma'am."
When the police arrived, everything seemed to descend into chaos. There were paramedics checking John and police securing the scene. Outside the house, the local news crew had almost arrived before the police, alerted by the neighbors when they heard the first shots.
Judy shook holding her stomach tightly as she watched. A paramedic had placed a blanket around her earlier, but she just clung to her stomach. Everything was numb, but everything felt wrong. It wasn't to be like this. He wasn't to come, the baby was coming soon And they had just finished the nursery... Where Russell had been killed. She killed him. She killed her husband.
"Judy," John reached for her, struggling with the paramedics trying to get him to lie on the gurney. "Fuck, let go! That's my girlfriend! She's the mother of our baby! I gotta go to her! Judy!"
"Sir, you've been shot. She is unharmed. We need to get you to the hospital. She'll be okay with the police," the paramedic assured him.
"She's the woman I love and she just killed her ex-husband protecting me! Don't you dare tell me she's okay!" He reached for Judy again even though it obviously hurt him to do so, "Judy!"
Judy looked over and watched him before the police carefully placed handcuffs over her wrists. "I'm sorry," she said to him as she was escorted by in a wheelchair.
"It's self-defense, you assholes! That son of a bitch broke into our home and tried to kill us!" He yelled, frantically trying to get to his girlfriend. "She's pregnant! Don't you hurt her! Don't you dare hurt her or our baby!" Tears were streaking his face from a combination of pain and fear for Judy. "She's carrying our baby! Please..."
They loaded the woman in the car before putting John into the ambulance. "They do it on formality. It was a gun related crime, self defense or not. I hope your gun is registered to you..."
"It is but she's pregnant and she's due soon." He was all but sobbing as they pushed him into the back of the bus. "God... the doctor said not to stress her. This can't hurt our baby, it just can't... Why won't anyone check on her? She's carrying our baby..."
"Sir.... She killed someone tonight," he reminded him. "You've been shot... We have to let the police work. They will bring her to the hospital once booked if need be."
"Why can't you understand that's my baby? I'm gonna marry her," he mumbled as they put an oxygen mask over his face. "She's gonna be my wife and we're gonna be a family. Her, me, our baby, and Quinn. A family... I'm gonna be a dad..."
Everything went dark as he vaguely heard the paramedics shouting at the driver to get moving.