The Way To Each Other - Chapter Thirty-Six
Title: The Way To Each Other
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: Epic (230,271)
Spoilers: This is AU. Some mentions of Seasons 1 & 2 events though handled differently than in canon.
Pairing: Santana/Quinn
Summary: Santana's life is far harder than it appears to the average viewer. Her dad's in jail and her mom turns tricks in their old family home. Worst yet, Santana herself has to do the same to keep her mom alive and food in her belly. Can Quinn save her? Or will Quinn's domineering father ruin everything? For the Glee Bang
Warnings (highlight to read): talks of suicide, angst, language, graphic het and femslash sex, non-con, dub-con, oral, vaginal, anal, pedophilia, sex work, underage prostitution, abuse, violence sexual and non, minor character death, self-harm, drug use, disease - HIV
Chapter 36
The day had finally arrived and Quinn for one was certainly not looking forward to it the way everyone seemed to be acting like she should. She’d already left one home behind in her life. She wasn’t ready to leave another already.
The night before she’d spent in Santana’s arms - the way she wanted to spend every night but wouldn’t be able to. They’d spent it together together, doing their best to stay quiet as possible to avoid alerting Rebecca and Cindy - though judging by Rebecca’s faint blushes and Cindy’s knowing smirk, they hadn’t been too successful.
Now she was holding her backpack and standing on the porch looking out at the loaded SUV rental waiting to take her the hour’s drive to the UVM campus. She wasn’t ready. But she licked her lips and steeled herself to be the strong woman Santana deserved as a partner and stepped down the stairs to the SUV, gravel crunching under her feet as she walked down the driveway to get into the backseat.
Santana was leaning against the car door and clutching onto the teddy bear that she had bought for Quinn in her arms. She kept her eyes downcast as she heard the footsteps of her lover coming towards her. She kept her eyes trained on their feet because she didn’t know how to say goodbye to Quinn. She ran away from everything to find Quinn, she wasn’t ready to let her go even if it was for her education.
When Quinn got in and buckled up, her backpack settled onto the floor by her feet, her first reaction was to reach across the seat for Santana’s hand. When she felt the familiar warmth of her lover’s hand, she relaxed slightly and offered Santana a sad little smile as they waited for Rebecca and Cindy to lock up and join them in the car. “Don’t let go of me, okay?” she whispered softly, not wanting to admit she was scared of what was waiting. “Just... don’t. Okay?”
“Never.” She whispered, leaning over and moving herself so she could still be buckled in the car but she could rest her head in Quinn’s lap. Santana clutched Quinn’s hand and blinked away the tears that kept coming to her eyes as she tried to cuddle into her girlfriend.
“I love you,” Quinn whispered, leaning down to kiss Santana’s head, holding back her own tears at the idea of not being able to see her or hold her every day, “you know that right? You’re my world, San.”
“You’re mine too.” Santana said, looking up at Quinn. She was scared, but she knew Quinn was too. She smiled softly at her girlfriend before reaching up and running her fingers over the hickey on the other girl’s neck. She smirked as she stroked it before taking her hand away. “You’ll be okay. You’ll have fun, I promise.”
Quinn smiled lopsidedly down at her. “I’d have more fun with you there,” she whispered, knowing Santana wasn’t ready yet, but unable to help her wish that she was. “I’m going to miss you so much...”
“I’m gonna miss you too...” She sighed, “But you’ll call me and text all the time and I’ll come visit whenever you want okay?” She whispered, “I’m always with you, even if I’m an hour away.”
“I wish you were closer, but I’ll be okay. You’ll see.” She did her best to smile bravely, reaching down to stroke along the side of Santana’s face. “I’m going to call and text you so much, you’ll beg me to stop... but I’m going to do my best to make you proud of me, San.”
“I’m always proud of you Quinn.” Santana reminded her, “You’re just gonna be my smart college girlfriend now.” she smirked as she looked up at the girl she loved. “I love you more than anything, okay? We’ll be fine.”
“Damn straight,” Quinn smirked, leaning down to kiss her softly. She was so involved in the kiss that she didn’t notice her aunts getting into the car.
“Okay, ladies!” Cindy called back with a smirk, startling them out of their absorbtion with each other. “Time to get the show on the road. You girls ready?”
Quinn blinked up at the front and smiled hesitantly, letting out a shaky breath. “I guess so...”
“Don’t sound so excited.” Rebecca said softly as she pulled out of the driveway, “By the way... I had to fight your little pixie of a girlfriend to not send you with a box full of the new barn kittens to school.” Rebecca laughed remembering how Santana tried to smuggle kittens into the car with them earlier in the morning.
“Quinn would have liked them.” Santana pouted, “Everyone likes my barn kittens.”
Quinn laughed softly and did her best to hug her girlfriend while Santana was lying in her lap. “I’m sure I would have loved them, babe, but,” she smiled lopsidedly, “would have sucked to have to send a kitten back home along with everyone else.”
“I was gonna leave him with you.” She pouted, “He would have cuddled you at night.” Santana explained as she nuzzled into Quinn’s stomach.
“Yeah, but I can’t have animals in the dorm, San.” Quinn gently stroked her back. “So I’d have had to seen him home with you so he didn’t get taken away. I’d rather he just stays home with you and gives you extra cuddles when you’re sad and I can’t be there for you.”
“Fine...” Santana said softly as she balled her hands up in Quinn’s jeans. She sighed softly and closed her eyes. “I don’t wanna...” she started, then got choked up and stopped talking. It wasn’t fair to Quinn for Santana’s insecurities to hold her back when she knew she had to learn to deal with being alone.
“I don’t either,” Quinn whispered, leaning down to wrap herself as best she could around her lover. “I don’t ever want to be apart from you. But you’re going to come visit me, right? Every weekend...” She breathed deeply trying not to cry as she held Santana. “I need you,” she breathed softly, barely able to get the words out past the tears in her throat.
“Every single Friday night.” She smiled as she looked to her lover, “its date night right?” She tried to be strong for her lover. “I will be there with you every weekend.”
“Yeah,” Quinn laughed, feeling stupid for being so clingy, but needing the one person who made things better. “I’m gonna find what place has the best breadsticks and take you there for our first college date, okay? Gotta get my girl her carbs, right?”
“Totally. Gotta make sure no one else tries to steal you from me while I’m back at the farm.” Santana said softly, mildly worried about losing Quinn. She bit her lip and looked at her nervously, “I love you too much to let anyone else take you.”
Quinn rolled her eyes, but smiled. “No one’s gonna take me, San. Promise. You’re the only one I want. End of story.”
“You girls wanna stop for a bite somewhere? Or head straight in?” Cindy asked, glancing at them in the rear-view.
“It’s Quinn’s day.” Santana shrugged, “She gets to pick.” She said as she sat up and held Quinn’s hand. “If she wants breakfast, she gets breakfast.”
She laughed. “Seriously, San? You’re gonna make me pick?” She shook her head, “There’s no way I can eat right now, but I wanna spend as much time as I can with everyone.”
“Don’t act like you’re being taken to the gallows, Q.” Cindy chided, “It’s just college.”
“It’s your day.” Santana shrugged, “You get to make the rules today.” She brought Quinn’s hand up and kissed her hand.
Rebecca looked around, “I kinda need an answer, ladies.” She said as she drove nearing the exit to where food would be.
“Let’s stop,” Quinn finally gave in, smiling at her girl and leaning over to rest her head on the shoulder. “I might not be hungry but that’s no reason to make everyone else starve. And, San, I don’t make the rules. If I did...” she trailed off, knowing she couldn’t tell Santana she wanted her to stay with her.
“I know.” Santana whispered as she kissed the girl’s hand again. “At least get an iced coffee with me?” She asked as she watched Rebecca drive to the diner they ate at when they drove to the university previously.
“Okay,” Quinn sighed, not really feeling like trying to stomach anything with how nervous she was, but willing to do anything to make Santana feel a little better about this.
Santana clutched onto Quinn's hand as they walked down the hall to the girl's dorm suite. They got to the door and looked at it for at least a minute before either of them said anything. "We... we should go inside." Santana said softly as she realized Cindy and Rebecca would be coming soon with some of the boxes. Quinn nodded and reached out a shaking hand and unlocked the door, she pushed it open and squeezed Santana's hand as she pulled the other girl inside.
The room was a moderate size and fairly standard in how it was laid out. Two desks, two dressers each under a bed which was on risers about five feet off the floor. Quinn looked at each side of the room and ended up walking to the right and putting the bear that Santana had given her on the bare mattress. Santana moved behind her and hugged her tightly, neither of them speaking as they just held each other. They were sad, and scared. They hadn't been away from each other in almost two years and the thought of that changing was breaking both of their hearts.
"You know this isn't going to get rid of me, right?" Quinn murmured into Santana's hair as she turned and wrapped her arms around the girl. "You're always going to be my second in command, San. You're my number one."
"I know." She smiled and she pressed a kiss to the hollow of Quinn's throat. "You're the most important thing to me, Quinn." She sighed and held her tighter. "I love you and I want you to be happy here. I want you to be amazing here and get the most out of it. I don't want the fact your girlfriend is back home to hold you back."
"Don't be ridiculous, San. You don't hold me back. You push me forward." Quinn chuckled softly, kissing Santana's hair and doing her best not to be sad. "And you're going to get better right? So next year or the year after, we'll be here together anyway. Even if it's just living in an apartment off campus together."
"I'm gonna try really hard." She whispered into Quinn's neck, "I mean, I can drive without crying now... so that's good." she pulled away with her eyes wet from tears when Cindy and Rebecca came in the room.
"Aww, Becca remember when we lived in a room this size?" Cindy smiled and put a box down on the desk, followed by another box in Rebecca's arms.
"Yes." Rebecca smiled, "Our roommates hated us." She smirked and looked at the girls, "Please stop pouting, it's a good day for you." she said as she looked at the girl.
"It's a shitty day." Santana mumbled against Quinn's neck.
"It wasn't my idea to come here by myself," Quinn muttered. Finally, she straightened with a sigh. "Alright, whatever. I'm here so I might as well unpack."
Pressing another kiss to Santana's forehead, she let go of her to move to the boxes the women had brought in and started opening them. It didn't matter that she'd wanted to wait until Santana was ready to come with her. She was enrolled and classes were starting next Monday so she had to figure out how to cope with stress without her lover's embrace to turn to. No matter how much she hated it.
Santana sighed, and went to the other box while the older women headed back out to the car. The smaller girl unpacked Quinn's bedding and carefully climbed up on the bunk and started to make her bed. She wanted to have time to cuddle with her lover while her moms went and met with their friends for a late lunch once they unpacked Quinn.
"When... when we finish getting you settled..." Santana asked softly as she tucked in the purple sheets. "Can we cuddle and maybe nap together? While Cindy and Rebecca go out?" She tucked in the comforter off her bed into the bed and then the new twin comforter that they had bought for Quinn to take to school.
"Please?" Quinn asked softly, knowing she sounded tiny and scared as a little girl about to be left at sleepover camp for the first time. "I'm not ready for you to go yet, San..."
"I'm not ready to go." She whimpered and looked down at her girlfriend. "I brought you my bedspread..." Santana explained, "So you can sleep with it while I sleep with yours at home." She climbed down the ladder when she finished making the bed. "I also wanna skype you before we go to bed okay?"
"Okay," Quinn nodded, pulling out some clothes to put away, "but San, you never even sleep in your own bed... It's gonna be so weird not sleeping with you and the cats though."
"I know." Santana sighed softly, and headed over to take some more of the boxes from Cindy as the women came back in. After a few more trips Cindy and Rebecca decided they would go get Quinn some groceries for her mini-fridge and left the girls to unpack. "I think they'll get you some good food," Santana said as she plugged the fridge under the bed and started working the decorations. "Do you want these twinkle lights around the bed guard?"
"You can put them wherever you want," Quinn sighed softly, sitting in the desk chair and not even looking up from putting her things in her desk. Everything that finished being done was another moment closer to when they'd all leave her. She felt stupid and childish and not at all like the mature eighteen year old she wanted to be, but she didn't want them to go and leave her alone with her thoughts.
Santana sighed and wound the lights around the bed and plugged them and the dimmer in. She went about putting Quinn's clothing away and chuckled softly when she found the zipper jacket she had shown up to the farm in at the bottom of the box. "Baby?" She said softly as she hugged the cloth. "I didn't know you had this."
"Oh, um," Quinn licked her lips and blinked back tears, but didn't look up, "sorry. I must have grabbed it by mistake. You," she shrugged, having wanted the jacket to sleep with something that smelled like San, "you can take it home with you if you want. I mean, it's yours..."
"It's actually Sue's." Santana smiled and folded it and put it in the drawer with Quinn's pajamas before moving over and sitting on the girl's lap. "I want you to have it. I swapped one of your pillows with mine so I could keep you close." Santana whispered as she cuddled into her, "I needed something of yours too."
"I'm not dumb," Quinn whispered, resting her head against Santana's shoulder as she wrapped her arms around her. "I know it won't smell like you for long and it won't be warm like you, but... It's...I just... I need you to sleep, San..." She felt stupid and heartbroken all at once.
"Please don't be sad, Quinn." She whispered, "I'm so proud of you... I'm so proud of you and how brave you are." She pressed kisses to the girl's eyelids. "Baby... I... I think that it's gonna be really hard for us... but I love you more than anything and I'm so scared... I'm scared that you won't be okay here."
"I don't want to be alone again, San," Quinn blinked hard to not cry, looking up at her girlfriend. "You're all leaving me here alone... Everyone says I have to be here, but why do I have to be alone?"
Santana sighed, "I don't want to be alone ether... and don't give me crap about Cindy and Becca because the only reason I'm there is because of you" Santana explained, "I'm scared of not being around you 24/7... I know... I know you wanted me to come here with you." She blinked away tears and looked at her lover, "I... I'm not healthy enough, I'm not stable enough or even strong enough." She looked away ashamed of herself for letting down her girlfriend.
"I know that, San," Quinn whispered, reaching up to turn her face back to her. "I know that. I'm not mad at you. I'm just... I don't like being alone." She licked her lips, her heart pounding as she tried to explain her head to someone else for the first time. "I can hear myself think when I'm alone. All the awful little voices that tell me I'm not good enough. That I'm ugly or fat." She met Santana's eyes, pleading with her to understand, "That I don't deserve you and you'll stop loving me if I'm not there to remind you..."
"You're perfect and you and your loud brain need to realize that." She whimpered, "I'll always be here to remind you that I love you and you know you can call me anytime you want." She said as she pressed a kiss to Quinn's forehead. "But you know that already."
"I'm just... I'm scared, San. I'm scared of being alone but everyone's telling me I shouldn't be," she cuddled her girl on the chair. "I don't know what to do but I have to stay. Can... Can we lie down? Please? I just want to lie with you one more time..."
"It's okay to be scared." Santana crawled off her and got onto the bed and pulled the other girl on with her. "You can be scared." She kissed her softly and cuddled her, "I love you more than life itself."
"You're my everything, San. Don't say things like that. You make me think you're going to die or something horrible that I can't bear thinking about." She snuggled into Santana, holding the smaller girl like she was afraid to let her slip away. "I love you too much to lose you. You promise if things get too much, you'll come to me, right? Even if it's stupid o'clock in the morning and I've got a super important exam first thing. You'll come to me and let me make it better. Promise. Please?"
She nodded and rested her head on Quinn's chest over her heart. "I promise." She whispered, "If you need me you have to call me and I'll drive to you okay?" She slid her hand under Quinn's shirt so she could have her hand on the girl's warm skin.
Quinn pushed Santana's hand up until it was over her heart. "Promise. No going solo. No freaking out alone. When we need each other, we have each other. Right?"
"Forever." Santana whispered, her thumb stroking the swell of Quinn's breast with her thumb. "Do you wanna take a nap with me until the parents get back or your new roommate comes?"
"Yeah," Quinn breathed, smiling tiredly. "I really do. I feel like I didn't get any sleep at all last night. Or went ten rounds in Puck's stupid fight club..."
Santana cuddled her lover and sang softly in to her ear. She needed to be the strong one for once, for Quinn. She felt Quinn's breathing settle and even out as she stroked her lover’s skin. One Quinn fell asleep, Santana drifted off with her and basked in their closeness.
When they awoke again, they found the far side of the room decorated with flowing drapes of burgundy and black gauze twined around the bed rails. The room was dim as the sun began to set and only the soft glow of the black lamp clipped on to the head of Quinn’s roommate’s bed illuminated her new roommate as the girl lounged on the bed idly flipping through her book. When they stirred, she looked up, crimped auburn hair flowing back over the shoulder of her black gown as she glanced over with idle interest.
“Oh, so you two are alive,” she sounded vaguely bored, holding her place in her book with her forefinger. “And here I was starting to wonder how long it would take the authorities to notice I was sharing my room with a pair of corpses.”
"Huh?" Santana asked as she looked up. Her hand was still balled up against her lover's chest, under her shirt. Santana curled close to Quinn, nervous about the new person in the room.
The new girl laughed softly. “Wow. You two are awfully close for sisters, don’t you think? Joined at the hip?” She smirked slightly, “Perhaps you’re fraternal twins because you’re definitely not identical. Different fathers I’m assuming.”
Quinn sat up slightly to see the girl, arms tightening protectively around Santana. “Where do you get off anyway? Who are you?”
“Amanda Whitshield and for the next few months at least I live in this studied example of dreariness,” she gestured around the room, “with apparently a stereotype of college life as a roommate. Perhaps I should ask who you are? I’m assuming one of you is my roommate.”
“W-what?” Santana blinked, her voice full of sleep and her eyes only half open. “Did... did you get the dark Rachel Berry as a roommate?” She asked, her face scrunching up and her head lolling down to rest on the other girl’s chest again.
“Impressive. She does speak,” Amanda yawned and set her book aside. “So, which one of you is Quinn? I wasn’t expecting to be sharing room with a sapphic sister, but fate is fickle.”
“Fuck you, Elvira.” Santana hissed sitting up and glaring at the girl. “If you got a problem with it you can get the fuck out and change rooms.”
Amanda’s eyes went wide. “Well, excuse me, M-Rod. I never said I had a problem with it. What crawled up your ass anyway?”
Quinn just sighed and rubbed her eyes. “San, cut it out. Amanda, I’m Quinn and this is my girlfriend, Santana. I’d say it’s nice to meet you but that would be pushing believability a bit too far. Sorry about San though, she’s a little grumpy when she first wakes up.”
“Whatever,” Amanda waved it off, “I know I can be a bitch, so no skin off my nose. Just keep a leash on your girl,” she smirked faintly at Santana, “she might bite.”
“Says the vampire.” Santana mumbled, resting her head in Quinn’s lap. “Wait... did you call me M-Rod? What are you some racist too?” She looked concerned about leaving her girlfriend with this kind of roommate.
“Wasn’t aware inferring someone was an attractive member of their apparent race made someone racist,” she cocked her head to the side, watching Santana with a slight smirk as Quinn just sighed and left the girls to it, “unless you’re suggesting you’re a culturephobe for calling me Elvira and a vampire just now.”
Santana’s face just scrunched up again and she rubbed her eyes and flopped back down on Quinn. “Whatever.” She sighed and clung onto her lover. Santana looked at her cellphone and sighed and knew her moms would be back soon. “I’m gonna have to go home soon...” Santana whispered softly, not willing to speak any louder.
“I know, babe,” Quinn murmured, leaning down to kiss her. “I don’t want you to go...”
“Oh, hey, soap opera alert. Goth in the room, people.” Amanda smirked, climbing down the ladder out of her bed, “I’d say get a room, but this is your room too. Just cool it on the super mushy and warn me if you’re going to be getting explicit so I can crash somewhere else. I’ll do the same. Alright?”
Santana looked disgusted at the thought of having to be intimate with Quinn in a shared place. She just curled closer and closed her eyes so she could close out Amanda and not have to deal.
Quinn sighed softly and cuddled Santana close, not wanting to think about her aunts coming back. “Alright, Amanda. I appreciate it.”
“What’s you two’s story, anyway? Obviously your parents are cool with your being gay, which is kind of awesome, being as they let you bring your girl to school with you, but,” she nodded up at them, “how’s this work? She a student here too?”
“No, my aunts are her moms,” Quinn started only to trail off as she noticed the dramatic rise in one of Amanda's neatly penciled eyebrows. “What?”
“You’re cousins?” Amanda blinked up at them wide eyed, “That’s... wow. That’s keeping things in the family...”
“We were together before I got adopted.” Santana hissed, “Don’t judge our family or relationship.” She whispered as she clutched onto the girl in her arms.
“Okay, you gotta cut that out,” Amanda pulled out her desk chair and looked up at Santana pointedly. “Stop assuming I’m judging you all the time. Yeah, I might be a bitch and say stupid shit, but I don’t care what you’re doing so long as no one's getting hurt - against their will anyway - and no one’s forcing me to be involved.”
Santana was embarrassed and hid her face in Quinn’s stomach. Her eyes burned with tears and just held onto her girlfriend. She knew this was why she couldn’t come to school with Quinn, she didn’t trust anyone and thought they were going to hurt her or Quinn. She just shut down and clung to her lover in hope that things would be okay.
After a moment, Amanda just sighed softly. “Look... Santana, right? I’m sorry. Like really. I’m not actually trying to hurt anyone and I figured you could kick back...”
“It’s fine.” Santana mumbled, looking up at her girlfriend. After a few minutes Cindy and Rebecca knocked on the door and poked their heads in.
“Hey, ladies,” Rebecca smiled, with grocery bags in her arms. “We brought you some snacks for your fridge.” She said as she put the bags down by fridge. “Hi there!” She smiled at Amanda, “You must be my niece’s roommate. I’m Rebecca Fabray and this is my wife Cindy. It’s nice to meet you.”
Amanda smiled, and shook their hands, “It’s nice to meet you too. As you probably can tell, Quinn and I are a bit, um... different from each other, but I hope we’ll get along. Santana too I hope,” she offered a hesitant smile at the smaller girl.
“Thanks, Aunt Becca,” Quinn whispered, hugging her aunt tight, “thanks for everything...” She moved to hug Cindy as well, blinking back tears, “Take care of San for me, please? I really need her to be okay.”
“Absolutely, baby girl,” Cindy replied, hugging her back. “She’ll be chomping at the bit to get back to you by the end of the week, I’m sure.”
Santana nodded awkwardly to Amanda and clutched her arms around herself as she watched Quinn say goodbye to her aunts. She could feel the tears coming as she looked at the floor and tried to steady her breathing. When Quinn walked over to her and she could smell her soap assaulting her senses the tears finally broke through. “Please don’t leave.” Santana whispered, her words coming out in a gasp.
“I can’t,” Quinn whispered, pulling Santana into a tight hug and burying her face in the crook of her neck, “you’re my heart. Don’t leave me alone, Santana,” she mumbled into the warm skin of her lover’s neck, hot tears sliding down her cheeks to soak into the top of Santana’s shirt. “Come back for me... please...”
“I’ll always find you.” Santana whispered, “I found you when you left me in Ohio... I’ll find you again now that you’re in Burlington. This time.. this time I have a car.” She tried to joke and pull herself together as she clung to her lover.
“Yeah, no more truckers and nuns,” Quinn chuckled, hugging Santana and giving her time to collect herself knowing the younger girl would have a harder time than she did.
“I’ll be okay... I’ll take my medications and go see Megan.” She said strongly, “You have to do good here and not worry about me.”
Quinn rolled her eyes and leaned back, sniffling slightly but smiling, “Don’t be stupid. Of course I’m going to worry about you. You’re my girlfriend and I love you. Like you’re not going to worry about me too. That’s just how it works. Just... remember our promise, San. Okay?”
She nodded, “I promise.” She pulled back and kissed Quinn softly, “I love you.” She whispered before she knew she had to leave. “Call me before you go to bed?” She asked softly as she stroked Quinn’s face and kissed her again.
“Every night,” she promised with a brave smile. “And you’ll call me whenever something happens that you want to share, right? Like when Pony learns a new trick or you finally get the new kittens all named and litter box trained.”
“Of course.” She smiled and kissed her again. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?” Santana whispered before giving her a final kiss and pulling away. “I love you so much.” She followed Cindy and Rebecca out. Once she got in the back of the SUV, she collapsed in the car and sobbed until she passed out.
Amanda looked down from her bed at Quinn, “I don’t hug... so please don’t start crying and need one.” She remarked as she looked at the broken blonde clinging onto a teddy bear.
Quinn shook her head, laughing waterily as she hugged the teddy bear. “No, don’t worry. I don’t really like people touching me. No offense. I just... I haven’t been away from any of them in the last two years and... I’m sorry. It’s stupid to cry like this when they haven’t even been gone an hour, isn’t it.”
“I’m pretty sure your little lady friend is sobbing in the back of a car right now.” Amanda said with a shrug, “You two seem pretty co-dependent. Why is she not stuck to your side and sharing a room here with you?”
“San’s... she’s... well,” Quinn bit her lip and sat up, taking a deep breath and doing her best to calm down as she wiped the tears off her cheeks. “She’s really not good with people. A lot of bad things happened to her where we grew up...”
“Bad things happen to everyone.” Amanda said as she climbed down from the bed and worked on unpacking a box. “I’m sure bad shit happened to you, I know my childhood wasn’t peachy so that’s really not an excuse.”
“Yeah, but not like what happened to her,” Quinn shrugged, accepting that not everyone would understand the girl she loved, sliding to sit on the edge of her bed with her legs hanging over the side. “But she’s sick now because of it and she needs to get stronger and better with people before she can be here.”
“Oh I guess that sucks.” Amanda said as she put away her things on her desk. “She doesn’t seem very friendly but I guess she will be fine to have hanging around the room.” She shrugged and took a sip of her water bottle. “So what do you do? What’s your story.”
“She doesn’t have very many reasons to trust people either.” Quinn shrugged, “Nothing much. I’m just me. I used to be captain of the cheerleading squad back in Ohio before my father sold me to my aunts to get rid of me.”
“Um... that’s special.” Amanda gave her a look like she was crazy. “Ohio’s a fucked up place.”
“That’s one way to describe it,” she agreed, vaulting down off the top bunk, “but Santana hitchhiked and walked from there to my aunts’ ranch here in Vermont to find me. Neither of us are going back there again.”
“Hardcore.” She said, “Sounds pretty good. But hey, bought or not your aunts seem to love you and that’s good so fuck Ohio.” She said as she sat down in her chair and looked at the blonde. “What are you gonna study?”
“What is this, twenty questions?” Quinn asked, taking a seat on her own chair before shrugging and answering anyway. “I want to be a psychologist like my Aunt Becca. Only I want to specialize in people that are hurt like my San. I want to help. What about you?”
‘I’m here for accounting, but I want to be a graphic artist.” she said, “But that’s not really a real job to my dad so, accounting.”
Quinn rolled her eyes. “If my father had anything to say about it, my only degree would be in housemaking. The only use he has for me is to marry me off to one of his cronies like he did my big sister.” She took a breath reciting from memory, “‘Women are to be seen and not heard, Quinn.’ ‘Your aunt is a Godless aberration by refusing to marry a man and bearing children as God intended.’ ‘A woman’s happiness is in her children.’ That sort of thing.”
“Well that’s fucked up.” Amanda said, “But honestly if you let him keep bothering you he wins. You’re away from him, live it up and forget him.” Amanda looked at her and cocked her head, “You obviously ignore him. You’re gay and have a girlfriend who you love so don’t let him eat at your brain.”
“I don’t. Though I did threaten to kill him the last time I saw him,” Quinn looked thoughtful for a moment then shrugged. “What about you? Where are you from?”
“Me...” She looked at Quinn, “Oh I’m from Upstate New York.” She stood up and grabbed a pair of black pants and a long sleeve black shirt to sleep up and put it on her bed, as she looked around and located her shower caddy. “Not really exciting.”
“New York? Really? That sounds more exciting than Ohio,” Quinn offered with a faint smile. “Santana and I were supposed to go to New York City for Nationals with our school’s Glee club once. But well... that didn’t happen. I don’t even know if they could qualify to go without us there to have enough members. We spent the last two years on my aunts’ ranch here in Vermont... not a whole lot of social opportunities in Goshen.”
“New York City is like really far from where I live. I’ve only been there once.” She shrugged, “My town was small I graduated with like 80 people and only a few of us got out of the town or the state to go to college. I’m pretty sure everyone will end up knocked up and whatever... Fuck them they all suck anyway.” She said and grabbed a snack bag of popcorn and opened it taking a few pieces and munched on them. “You want some popcorn?”
Quinn glanced at the bag and chewed on her lip in indecision. She hadn’t eaten all day, but she just wasn’t hungry either. “No, but thanks for offering. You want a drink or something? I think my aunts half filled this fridge with like Vitamin Water and stuff.”
“Nah, I got water.” She said, “My dad brought a fridge too but I think it has nothing but vegan stuff in it and I doubt anyone else wants it.” She said softly, “I don’t do meat or dairy...”
“Vegan, huh?” Quinn chuckled, “San’s gonna love that. You really are like a dark version of Rachel. Well, I’ve got a lot of fruit and stuff, so if you want, you’re welcome.” She loaded a few more things in the fridge before coming up with a box of Edy’s whole fruit bars, “Oh thank you, Aunt Becca! These are amazing. Have you ever had one? I think I remember Rachel saying she liked them...”
“I’m good for now, thanks.” She shook her head, “You and your family are freakishly cute. You’re gonna make me want to puke a lot.” She said with a laugh as she ate her popcorn. “You may have had a shit family in Ohio, but your real family seems pretty sweet.” she looked at the girl, “Whose this Rachel chick? Other girlfriend?”
Quinn rolled her eyes. “Oh God no. She’s more like this frustratingly talented girl who can’t get her head out of her own problems long enough to actually be successful. She stole my boyfriend actually and is probably going to end up pregnant and stuck married to his moronic ass for the rest of her life. Sorry for the comparison. You don’t actually seem the type to let a guy dictate what should or shouldn’t make you happy like she was doing when we... left.”
“Ah... so friend you had a mild undisclosed crush on.” Amanda pointed out, “Good to know, and hell no. Dumbass dudes can’t handle me and I don’t think that they should get the chance to dictate to me. That’s the nice thing about only dating nerds since they’re just happy a girl is paying attention to them they treat you like a queen.” She smirked and took a sip of her water, “But yeah I knew a few girls like that in school, they’re already pregnant.. I mean not that getting knocked up in high school is a bad thing, my best friend got pregnant at 16 and her daughter is awesome. I’m sure you’ll meet her when she comes to visit.”
“Sounds like a plan. Maybe if Santana’s up here too when they visit, we can try hanging out together.” Quinn smiled hopefully, “She really needs to learn to interact comfortably with people who aren’t me or her moms and she’s pretty awesome with little kids so,” she shrugged. “It’s worth a shot right?”
“Sounds cool.” Amanda smiled, “I’m just chilling most of the time so feel free to bother me. I don’t know anyone else who decided to go to UVM.” She threw away her trash and rolled her neck. “Alright.. I’m gonna check out these gross showers and I’ll report back to how they are.” She grabbed her caddy and towel and headed into the bathroom.
“Sounds like a plan,” Quinn smiled, turning back to her desk.
The ride back to the farm was silent. Santana had cried herself to sleep and curled up into a ball in the back of the car. Once they reached the house Cindy scooped the girl up and brought her up to the house. She stopped at the two doors that contained the girl’s bedroom, she almost brought her into the smaller of the two but decided Santana would most likely want to be in Quinn’s bed. She settled the girl down and stroked her hair.
“You’ll be okay, Santana.” She whispered, “You’ll be okay.”
Rebecca gathered the remains of their trip out of the SUV and generally cleaned up before heading up to check on Santana and Cindy. “Hey,” she whispered, leaning on the door frame and watching her partner with their daughter, “is she okay?”
“I doubt it.” Cindy said softly as she covered her little girl up. She stood up and moved over to her wife, “She ran away to be with Quinn... and now Quinn’s gone and she’s still got so much pain to deal with. Quinn’s not much better.”
Rebecca sighed, leaning into her wife. “I really wish I could help them both more. At least Santana talks to me...”
“She might talk but it’s not like we can fix any of her problems.” Cindy sighed, “We can’t make her HIV go away, we can’t make her past go away... the demons that eat away at her...” She sighed and held onto her wife. “Quinn... Quinn is like broken down and she could be fixed if she wanted to talk to someone.” She sighed softly.
“You’re the one who keeps telling me to be patient with Quinn, love.” Rebecca pointed out. “And at least we can give Santana the skills to cope with her demons. Quinn’s a Fabray’s Fabray much as it pains me to say it. She’s stubborn to the core and is absolutely determined to do things herself.”
“I’m nervous that Santana is going to push us away now that Quinn’s at school.” Cindy admitted, “I know she was only here because of Quinn... what if she doesn’t want to stay now?”
“We can only cross that bridge when we come to it, Cindy.” Rebecca looked sadly at the tiny girl curled up in Quinn’s bed, her cats cuddled into her chest and back. “We can’t speculate as if we can do something, but she knows that as long as she’s here, she’s still connected with Quinn.”
“I-I can’t lose our daughter.” Cindy whimpered, “We just got her.” She wrapped her arms around her wife and pulled her closer, “I don’t wanna lose either of them.”
Rebecca turned to hug her, resting her head on Cindy’s shoulder. “It’ll be okay. They’ll be okay. They’re strong girls. They can get through this. Though,” she tried joking to cheer her wife up, “we might end up paying almost as much as tuition to keep Santana in gas for her car.”
Cindy chuckled, “It will come out of the money she’s been getting for working in the clinic all summer.” Cindy said against her wife’s chest, “She’s gonna keep working more hours while the rest of the staff heads back to school.”
“She’s dedicated. And,” Rebecca turned her head to kiss Cindy’s hair, “I think you’re something of an idol to her. She definitely looks up to you, love.”
Cindy shrugged, “I think that she just likes the animals.” She sighed and looked at the girl who kept reaching out to try to cuddle into a body that wasn’t there. “Fuck that’s sad.”
“They’ll get through it,” Rebecca insisted, though she wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince Cindy or herself.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: Epic (230,271)
Spoilers: This is AU. Some mentions of Seasons 1 & 2 events though handled differently than in canon.
Pairing: Santana/Quinn
Summary: Santana's life is far harder than it appears to the average viewer. Her dad's in jail and her mom turns tricks in their old family home. Worst yet, Santana herself has to do the same to keep her mom alive and food in her belly. Can Quinn save her? Or will Quinn's domineering father ruin everything? For the Glee Bang
Warnings (highlight to read): talks of suicide, angst, language, graphic het and femslash sex, non-con, dub-con, oral, vaginal, anal, pedophilia, sex work, underage prostitution, abuse, violence sexual and non, minor character death, self-harm, drug use, disease - HIV
Chapter 36
The day had finally arrived and Quinn for one was certainly not looking forward to it the way everyone seemed to be acting like she should. She’d already left one home behind in her life. She wasn’t ready to leave another already.
The night before she’d spent in Santana’s arms - the way she wanted to spend every night but wouldn’t be able to. They’d spent it together together, doing their best to stay quiet as possible to avoid alerting Rebecca and Cindy - though judging by Rebecca’s faint blushes and Cindy’s knowing smirk, they hadn’t been too successful.
Now she was holding her backpack and standing on the porch looking out at the loaded SUV rental waiting to take her the hour’s drive to the UVM campus. She wasn’t ready. But she licked her lips and steeled herself to be the strong woman Santana deserved as a partner and stepped down the stairs to the SUV, gravel crunching under her feet as she walked down the driveway to get into the backseat.
Santana was leaning against the car door and clutching onto the teddy bear that she had bought for Quinn in her arms. She kept her eyes downcast as she heard the footsteps of her lover coming towards her. She kept her eyes trained on their feet because she didn’t know how to say goodbye to Quinn. She ran away from everything to find Quinn, she wasn’t ready to let her go even if it was for her education.
When Quinn got in and buckled up, her backpack settled onto the floor by her feet, her first reaction was to reach across the seat for Santana’s hand. When she felt the familiar warmth of her lover’s hand, she relaxed slightly and offered Santana a sad little smile as they waited for Rebecca and Cindy to lock up and join them in the car. “Don’t let go of me, okay?” she whispered softly, not wanting to admit she was scared of what was waiting. “Just... don’t. Okay?”
“Never.” She whispered, leaning over and moving herself so she could still be buckled in the car but she could rest her head in Quinn’s lap. Santana clutched Quinn’s hand and blinked away the tears that kept coming to her eyes as she tried to cuddle into her girlfriend.
“I love you,” Quinn whispered, leaning down to kiss Santana’s head, holding back her own tears at the idea of not being able to see her or hold her every day, “you know that right? You’re my world, San.”
“You’re mine too.” Santana said, looking up at Quinn. She was scared, but she knew Quinn was too. She smiled softly at her girlfriend before reaching up and running her fingers over the hickey on the other girl’s neck. She smirked as she stroked it before taking her hand away. “You’ll be okay. You’ll have fun, I promise.”
Quinn smiled lopsidedly down at her. “I’d have more fun with you there,” she whispered, knowing Santana wasn’t ready yet, but unable to help her wish that she was. “I’m going to miss you so much...”
“I’m gonna miss you too...” She sighed, “But you’ll call me and text all the time and I’ll come visit whenever you want okay?” She whispered, “I’m always with you, even if I’m an hour away.”
“I wish you were closer, but I’ll be okay. You’ll see.” She did her best to smile bravely, reaching down to stroke along the side of Santana’s face. “I’m going to call and text you so much, you’ll beg me to stop... but I’m going to do my best to make you proud of me, San.”
“I’m always proud of you Quinn.” Santana reminded her, “You’re just gonna be my smart college girlfriend now.” she smirked as she looked up at the girl she loved. “I love you more than anything, okay? We’ll be fine.”
“Damn straight,” Quinn smirked, leaning down to kiss her softly. She was so involved in the kiss that she didn’t notice her aunts getting into the car.
“Okay, ladies!” Cindy called back with a smirk, startling them out of their absorbtion with each other. “Time to get the show on the road. You girls ready?”
Quinn blinked up at the front and smiled hesitantly, letting out a shaky breath. “I guess so...”
“Don’t sound so excited.” Rebecca said softly as she pulled out of the driveway, “By the way... I had to fight your little pixie of a girlfriend to not send you with a box full of the new barn kittens to school.” Rebecca laughed remembering how Santana tried to smuggle kittens into the car with them earlier in the morning.
“Quinn would have liked them.” Santana pouted, “Everyone likes my barn kittens.”
Quinn laughed softly and did her best to hug her girlfriend while Santana was lying in her lap. “I’m sure I would have loved them, babe, but,” she smiled lopsidedly, “would have sucked to have to send a kitten back home along with everyone else.”
“I was gonna leave him with you.” She pouted, “He would have cuddled you at night.” Santana explained as she nuzzled into Quinn’s stomach.
“Yeah, but I can’t have animals in the dorm, San.” Quinn gently stroked her back. “So I’d have had to seen him home with you so he didn’t get taken away. I’d rather he just stays home with you and gives you extra cuddles when you’re sad and I can’t be there for you.”
“Fine...” Santana said softly as she balled her hands up in Quinn’s jeans. She sighed softly and closed her eyes. “I don’t wanna...” she started, then got choked up and stopped talking. It wasn’t fair to Quinn for Santana’s insecurities to hold her back when she knew she had to learn to deal with being alone.
“I don’t either,” Quinn whispered, leaning down to wrap herself as best she could around her lover. “I don’t ever want to be apart from you. But you’re going to come visit me, right? Every weekend...” She breathed deeply trying not to cry as she held Santana. “I need you,” she breathed softly, barely able to get the words out past the tears in her throat.
“Every single Friday night.” She smiled as she looked to her lover, “its date night right?” She tried to be strong for her lover. “I will be there with you every weekend.”
“Yeah,” Quinn laughed, feeling stupid for being so clingy, but needing the one person who made things better. “I’m gonna find what place has the best breadsticks and take you there for our first college date, okay? Gotta get my girl her carbs, right?”
“Totally. Gotta make sure no one else tries to steal you from me while I’m back at the farm.” Santana said softly, mildly worried about losing Quinn. She bit her lip and looked at her nervously, “I love you too much to let anyone else take you.”
Quinn rolled her eyes, but smiled. “No one’s gonna take me, San. Promise. You’re the only one I want. End of story.”
“You girls wanna stop for a bite somewhere? Or head straight in?” Cindy asked, glancing at them in the rear-view.
“It’s Quinn’s day.” Santana shrugged, “She gets to pick.” She said as she sat up and held Quinn’s hand. “If she wants breakfast, she gets breakfast.”
She laughed. “Seriously, San? You’re gonna make me pick?” She shook her head, “There’s no way I can eat right now, but I wanna spend as much time as I can with everyone.”
“Don’t act like you’re being taken to the gallows, Q.” Cindy chided, “It’s just college.”
“It’s your day.” Santana shrugged, “You get to make the rules today.” She brought Quinn’s hand up and kissed her hand.
Rebecca looked around, “I kinda need an answer, ladies.” She said as she drove nearing the exit to where food would be.
“Let’s stop,” Quinn finally gave in, smiling at her girl and leaning over to rest her head on the shoulder. “I might not be hungry but that’s no reason to make everyone else starve. And, San, I don’t make the rules. If I did...” she trailed off, knowing she couldn’t tell Santana she wanted her to stay with her.
“I know.” Santana whispered as she kissed the girl’s hand again. “At least get an iced coffee with me?” She asked as she watched Rebecca drive to the diner they ate at when they drove to the university previously.
“Okay,” Quinn sighed, not really feeling like trying to stomach anything with how nervous she was, but willing to do anything to make Santana feel a little better about this.
Santana clutched onto Quinn's hand as they walked down the hall to the girl's dorm suite. They got to the door and looked at it for at least a minute before either of them said anything. "We... we should go inside." Santana said softly as she realized Cindy and Rebecca would be coming soon with some of the boxes. Quinn nodded and reached out a shaking hand and unlocked the door, she pushed it open and squeezed Santana's hand as she pulled the other girl inside.
The room was a moderate size and fairly standard in how it was laid out. Two desks, two dressers each under a bed which was on risers about five feet off the floor. Quinn looked at each side of the room and ended up walking to the right and putting the bear that Santana had given her on the bare mattress. Santana moved behind her and hugged her tightly, neither of them speaking as they just held each other. They were sad, and scared. They hadn't been away from each other in almost two years and the thought of that changing was breaking both of their hearts.
"You know this isn't going to get rid of me, right?" Quinn murmured into Santana's hair as she turned and wrapped her arms around the girl. "You're always going to be my second in command, San. You're my number one."
"I know." She smiled and she pressed a kiss to the hollow of Quinn's throat. "You're the most important thing to me, Quinn." She sighed and held her tighter. "I love you and I want you to be happy here. I want you to be amazing here and get the most out of it. I don't want the fact your girlfriend is back home to hold you back."
"Don't be ridiculous, San. You don't hold me back. You push me forward." Quinn chuckled softly, kissing Santana's hair and doing her best not to be sad. "And you're going to get better right? So next year or the year after, we'll be here together anyway. Even if it's just living in an apartment off campus together."
"I'm gonna try really hard." She whispered into Quinn's neck, "I mean, I can drive without crying now... so that's good." she pulled away with her eyes wet from tears when Cindy and Rebecca came in the room.
"Aww, Becca remember when we lived in a room this size?" Cindy smiled and put a box down on the desk, followed by another box in Rebecca's arms.
"Yes." Rebecca smiled, "Our roommates hated us." She smirked and looked at the girls, "Please stop pouting, it's a good day for you." she said as she looked at the girl.
"It's a shitty day." Santana mumbled against Quinn's neck.
"It wasn't my idea to come here by myself," Quinn muttered. Finally, she straightened with a sigh. "Alright, whatever. I'm here so I might as well unpack."
Pressing another kiss to Santana's forehead, she let go of her to move to the boxes the women had brought in and started opening them. It didn't matter that she'd wanted to wait until Santana was ready to come with her. She was enrolled and classes were starting next Monday so she had to figure out how to cope with stress without her lover's embrace to turn to. No matter how much she hated it.
Santana sighed, and went to the other box while the older women headed back out to the car. The smaller girl unpacked Quinn's bedding and carefully climbed up on the bunk and started to make her bed. She wanted to have time to cuddle with her lover while her moms went and met with their friends for a late lunch once they unpacked Quinn.
"When... when we finish getting you settled..." Santana asked softly as she tucked in the purple sheets. "Can we cuddle and maybe nap together? While Cindy and Rebecca go out?" She tucked in the comforter off her bed into the bed and then the new twin comforter that they had bought for Quinn to take to school.
"Please?" Quinn asked softly, knowing she sounded tiny and scared as a little girl about to be left at sleepover camp for the first time. "I'm not ready for you to go yet, San..."
"I'm not ready to go." She whimpered and looked down at her girlfriend. "I brought you my bedspread..." Santana explained, "So you can sleep with it while I sleep with yours at home." She climbed down the ladder when she finished making the bed. "I also wanna skype you before we go to bed okay?"
"Okay," Quinn nodded, pulling out some clothes to put away, "but San, you never even sleep in your own bed... It's gonna be so weird not sleeping with you and the cats though."
"I know." Santana sighed softly, and headed over to take some more of the boxes from Cindy as the women came back in. After a few more trips Cindy and Rebecca decided they would go get Quinn some groceries for her mini-fridge and left the girls to unpack. "I think they'll get you some good food," Santana said as she plugged the fridge under the bed and started working the decorations. "Do you want these twinkle lights around the bed guard?"
"You can put them wherever you want," Quinn sighed softly, sitting in the desk chair and not even looking up from putting her things in her desk. Everything that finished being done was another moment closer to when they'd all leave her. She felt stupid and childish and not at all like the mature eighteen year old she wanted to be, but she didn't want them to go and leave her alone with her thoughts.
Santana sighed and wound the lights around the bed and plugged them and the dimmer in. She went about putting Quinn's clothing away and chuckled softly when she found the zipper jacket she had shown up to the farm in at the bottom of the box. "Baby?" She said softly as she hugged the cloth. "I didn't know you had this."
"Oh, um," Quinn licked her lips and blinked back tears, but didn't look up, "sorry. I must have grabbed it by mistake. You," she shrugged, having wanted the jacket to sleep with something that smelled like San, "you can take it home with you if you want. I mean, it's yours..."
"It's actually Sue's." Santana smiled and folded it and put it in the drawer with Quinn's pajamas before moving over and sitting on the girl's lap. "I want you to have it. I swapped one of your pillows with mine so I could keep you close." Santana whispered as she cuddled into her, "I needed something of yours too."
"I'm not dumb," Quinn whispered, resting her head against Santana's shoulder as she wrapped her arms around her. "I know it won't smell like you for long and it won't be warm like you, but... It's...I just... I need you to sleep, San..." She felt stupid and heartbroken all at once.
"Please don't be sad, Quinn." She whispered, "I'm so proud of you... I'm so proud of you and how brave you are." She pressed kisses to the girl's eyelids. "Baby... I... I think that it's gonna be really hard for us... but I love you more than anything and I'm so scared... I'm scared that you won't be okay here."
"I don't want to be alone again, San," Quinn blinked hard to not cry, looking up at her girlfriend. "You're all leaving me here alone... Everyone says I have to be here, but why do I have to be alone?"
Santana sighed, "I don't want to be alone ether... and don't give me crap about Cindy and Becca because the only reason I'm there is because of you" Santana explained, "I'm scared of not being around you 24/7... I know... I know you wanted me to come here with you." She blinked away tears and looked at her lover, "I... I'm not healthy enough, I'm not stable enough or even strong enough." She looked away ashamed of herself for letting down her girlfriend.
"I know that, San," Quinn whispered, reaching up to turn her face back to her. "I know that. I'm not mad at you. I'm just... I don't like being alone." She licked her lips, her heart pounding as she tried to explain her head to someone else for the first time. "I can hear myself think when I'm alone. All the awful little voices that tell me I'm not good enough. That I'm ugly or fat." She met Santana's eyes, pleading with her to understand, "That I don't deserve you and you'll stop loving me if I'm not there to remind you..."
"You're perfect and you and your loud brain need to realize that." She whimpered, "I'll always be here to remind you that I love you and you know you can call me anytime you want." She said as she pressed a kiss to Quinn's forehead. "But you know that already."
"I'm just... I'm scared, San. I'm scared of being alone but everyone's telling me I shouldn't be," she cuddled her girl on the chair. "I don't know what to do but I have to stay. Can... Can we lie down? Please? I just want to lie with you one more time..."
"It's okay to be scared." Santana crawled off her and got onto the bed and pulled the other girl on with her. "You can be scared." She kissed her softly and cuddled her, "I love you more than life itself."
"You're my everything, San. Don't say things like that. You make me think you're going to die or something horrible that I can't bear thinking about." She snuggled into Santana, holding the smaller girl like she was afraid to let her slip away. "I love you too much to lose you. You promise if things get too much, you'll come to me, right? Even if it's stupid o'clock in the morning and I've got a super important exam first thing. You'll come to me and let me make it better. Promise. Please?"
She nodded and rested her head on Quinn's chest over her heart. "I promise." She whispered, "If you need me you have to call me and I'll drive to you okay?" She slid her hand under Quinn's shirt so she could have her hand on the girl's warm skin.
Quinn pushed Santana's hand up until it was over her heart. "Promise. No going solo. No freaking out alone. When we need each other, we have each other. Right?"
"Forever." Santana whispered, her thumb stroking the swell of Quinn's breast with her thumb. "Do you wanna take a nap with me until the parents get back or your new roommate comes?"
"Yeah," Quinn breathed, smiling tiredly. "I really do. I feel like I didn't get any sleep at all last night. Or went ten rounds in Puck's stupid fight club..."
Santana cuddled her lover and sang softly in to her ear. She needed to be the strong one for once, for Quinn. She felt Quinn's breathing settle and even out as she stroked her lover’s skin. One Quinn fell asleep, Santana drifted off with her and basked in their closeness.
When they awoke again, they found the far side of the room decorated with flowing drapes of burgundy and black gauze twined around the bed rails. The room was dim as the sun began to set and only the soft glow of the black lamp clipped on to the head of Quinn’s roommate’s bed illuminated her new roommate as the girl lounged on the bed idly flipping through her book. When they stirred, she looked up, crimped auburn hair flowing back over the shoulder of her black gown as she glanced over with idle interest.
“Oh, so you two are alive,” she sounded vaguely bored, holding her place in her book with her forefinger. “And here I was starting to wonder how long it would take the authorities to notice I was sharing my room with a pair of corpses.”
"Huh?" Santana asked as she looked up. Her hand was still balled up against her lover's chest, under her shirt. Santana curled close to Quinn, nervous about the new person in the room.
The new girl laughed softly. “Wow. You two are awfully close for sisters, don’t you think? Joined at the hip?” She smirked slightly, “Perhaps you’re fraternal twins because you’re definitely not identical. Different fathers I’m assuming.”
Quinn sat up slightly to see the girl, arms tightening protectively around Santana. “Where do you get off anyway? Who are you?”
“Amanda Whitshield and for the next few months at least I live in this studied example of dreariness,” she gestured around the room, “with apparently a stereotype of college life as a roommate. Perhaps I should ask who you are? I’m assuming one of you is my roommate.”
“W-what?” Santana blinked, her voice full of sleep and her eyes only half open. “Did... did you get the dark Rachel Berry as a roommate?” She asked, her face scrunching up and her head lolling down to rest on the other girl’s chest again.
“Impressive. She does speak,” Amanda yawned and set her book aside. “So, which one of you is Quinn? I wasn’t expecting to be sharing room with a sapphic sister, but fate is fickle.”
“Fuck you, Elvira.” Santana hissed sitting up and glaring at the girl. “If you got a problem with it you can get the fuck out and change rooms.”
Amanda’s eyes went wide. “Well, excuse me, M-Rod. I never said I had a problem with it. What crawled up your ass anyway?”
Quinn just sighed and rubbed her eyes. “San, cut it out. Amanda, I’m Quinn and this is my girlfriend, Santana. I’d say it’s nice to meet you but that would be pushing believability a bit too far. Sorry about San though, she’s a little grumpy when she first wakes up.”
“Whatever,” Amanda waved it off, “I know I can be a bitch, so no skin off my nose. Just keep a leash on your girl,” she smirked faintly at Santana, “she might bite.”
“Says the vampire.” Santana mumbled, resting her head in Quinn’s lap. “Wait... did you call me M-Rod? What are you some racist too?” She looked concerned about leaving her girlfriend with this kind of roommate.
“Wasn’t aware inferring someone was an attractive member of their apparent race made someone racist,” she cocked her head to the side, watching Santana with a slight smirk as Quinn just sighed and left the girls to it, “unless you’re suggesting you’re a culturephobe for calling me Elvira and a vampire just now.”
Santana’s face just scrunched up again and she rubbed her eyes and flopped back down on Quinn. “Whatever.” She sighed and clung onto her lover. Santana looked at her cellphone and sighed and knew her moms would be back soon. “I’m gonna have to go home soon...” Santana whispered softly, not willing to speak any louder.
“I know, babe,” Quinn murmured, leaning down to kiss her. “I don’t want you to go...”
“Oh, hey, soap opera alert. Goth in the room, people.” Amanda smirked, climbing down the ladder out of her bed, “I’d say get a room, but this is your room too. Just cool it on the super mushy and warn me if you’re going to be getting explicit so I can crash somewhere else. I’ll do the same. Alright?”
Santana looked disgusted at the thought of having to be intimate with Quinn in a shared place. She just curled closer and closed her eyes so she could close out Amanda and not have to deal.
Quinn sighed softly and cuddled Santana close, not wanting to think about her aunts coming back. “Alright, Amanda. I appreciate it.”
“What’s you two’s story, anyway? Obviously your parents are cool with your being gay, which is kind of awesome, being as they let you bring your girl to school with you, but,” she nodded up at them, “how’s this work? She a student here too?”
“No, my aunts are her moms,” Quinn started only to trail off as she noticed the dramatic rise in one of Amanda's neatly penciled eyebrows. “What?”
“You’re cousins?” Amanda blinked up at them wide eyed, “That’s... wow. That’s keeping things in the family...”
“We were together before I got adopted.” Santana hissed, “Don’t judge our family or relationship.” She whispered as she clutched onto the girl in her arms.
“Okay, you gotta cut that out,” Amanda pulled out her desk chair and looked up at Santana pointedly. “Stop assuming I’m judging you all the time. Yeah, I might be a bitch and say stupid shit, but I don’t care what you’re doing so long as no one's getting hurt - against their will anyway - and no one’s forcing me to be involved.”
Santana was embarrassed and hid her face in Quinn’s stomach. Her eyes burned with tears and just held onto her girlfriend. She knew this was why she couldn’t come to school with Quinn, she didn’t trust anyone and thought they were going to hurt her or Quinn. She just shut down and clung to her lover in hope that things would be okay.
After a moment, Amanda just sighed softly. “Look... Santana, right? I’m sorry. Like really. I’m not actually trying to hurt anyone and I figured you could kick back...”
“It’s fine.” Santana mumbled, looking up at her girlfriend. After a few minutes Cindy and Rebecca knocked on the door and poked their heads in.
“Hey, ladies,” Rebecca smiled, with grocery bags in her arms. “We brought you some snacks for your fridge.” She said as she put the bags down by fridge. “Hi there!” She smiled at Amanda, “You must be my niece’s roommate. I’m Rebecca Fabray and this is my wife Cindy. It’s nice to meet you.”
Amanda smiled, and shook their hands, “It’s nice to meet you too. As you probably can tell, Quinn and I are a bit, um... different from each other, but I hope we’ll get along. Santana too I hope,” she offered a hesitant smile at the smaller girl.
“Thanks, Aunt Becca,” Quinn whispered, hugging her aunt tight, “thanks for everything...” She moved to hug Cindy as well, blinking back tears, “Take care of San for me, please? I really need her to be okay.”
“Absolutely, baby girl,” Cindy replied, hugging her back. “She’ll be chomping at the bit to get back to you by the end of the week, I’m sure.”
Santana nodded awkwardly to Amanda and clutched her arms around herself as she watched Quinn say goodbye to her aunts. She could feel the tears coming as she looked at the floor and tried to steady her breathing. When Quinn walked over to her and she could smell her soap assaulting her senses the tears finally broke through. “Please don’t leave.” Santana whispered, her words coming out in a gasp.
“I can’t,” Quinn whispered, pulling Santana into a tight hug and burying her face in the crook of her neck, “you’re my heart. Don’t leave me alone, Santana,” she mumbled into the warm skin of her lover’s neck, hot tears sliding down her cheeks to soak into the top of Santana’s shirt. “Come back for me... please...”
“I’ll always find you.” Santana whispered, “I found you when you left me in Ohio... I’ll find you again now that you’re in Burlington. This time.. this time I have a car.” She tried to joke and pull herself together as she clung to her lover.
“Yeah, no more truckers and nuns,” Quinn chuckled, hugging Santana and giving her time to collect herself knowing the younger girl would have a harder time than she did.
“I’ll be okay... I’ll take my medications and go see Megan.” She said strongly, “You have to do good here and not worry about me.”
Quinn rolled her eyes and leaned back, sniffling slightly but smiling, “Don’t be stupid. Of course I’m going to worry about you. You’re my girlfriend and I love you. Like you’re not going to worry about me too. That’s just how it works. Just... remember our promise, San. Okay?”
She nodded, “I promise.” She pulled back and kissed Quinn softly, “I love you.” She whispered before she knew she had to leave. “Call me before you go to bed?” She asked softly as she stroked Quinn’s face and kissed her again.
“Every night,” she promised with a brave smile. “And you’ll call me whenever something happens that you want to share, right? Like when Pony learns a new trick or you finally get the new kittens all named and litter box trained.”
“Of course.” She smiled and kissed her again. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?” Santana whispered before giving her a final kiss and pulling away. “I love you so much.” She followed Cindy and Rebecca out. Once she got in the back of the SUV, she collapsed in the car and sobbed until she passed out.
Amanda looked down from her bed at Quinn, “I don’t hug... so please don’t start crying and need one.” She remarked as she looked at the broken blonde clinging onto a teddy bear.
Quinn shook her head, laughing waterily as she hugged the teddy bear. “No, don’t worry. I don’t really like people touching me. No offense. I just... I haven’t been away from any of them in the last two years and... I’m sorry. It’s stupid to cry like this when they haven’t even been gone an hour, isn’t it.”
“I’m pretty sure your little lady friend is sobbing in the back of a car right now.” Amanda said with a shrug, “You two seem pretty co-dependent. Why is she not stuck to your side and sharing a room here with you?”
“San’s... she’s... well,” Quinn bit her lip and sat up, taking a deep breath and doing her best to calm down as she wiped the tears off her cheeks. “She’s really not good with people. A lot of bad things happened to her where we grew up...”
“Bad things happen to everyone.” Amanda said as she climbed down from the bed and worked on unpacking a box. “I’m sure bad shit happened to you, I know my childhood wasn’t peachy so that’s really not an excuse.”
“Yeah, but not like what happened to her,” Quinn shrugged, accepting that not everyone would understand the girl she loved, sliding to sit on the edge of her bed with her legs hanging over the side. “But she’s sick now because of it and she needs to get stronger and better with people before she can be here.”
“Oh I guess that sucks.” Amanda said as she put away her things on her desk. “She doesn’t seem very friendly but I guess she will be fine to have hanging around the room.” She shrugged and took a sip of her water bottle. “So what do you do? What’s your story.”
“She doesn’t have very many reasons to trust people either.” Quinn shrugged, “Nothing much. I’m just me. I used to be captain of the cheerleading squad back in Ohio before my father sold me to my aunts to get rid of me.”
“Um... that’s special.” Amanda gave her a look like she was crazy. “Ohio’s a fucked up place.”
“That’s one way to describe it,” she agreed, vaulting down off the top bunk, “but Santana hitchhiked and walked from there to my aunts’ ranch here in Vermont to find me. Neither of us are going back there again.”
“Hardcore.” She said, “Sounds pretty good. But hey, bought or not your aunts seem to love you and that’s good so fuck Ohio.” She said as she sat down in her chair and looked at the blonde. “What are you gonna study?”
“What is this, twenty questions?” Quinn asked, taking a seat on her own chair before shrugging and answering anyway. “I want to be a psychologist like my Aunt Becca. Only I want to specialize in people that are hurt like my San. I want to help. What about you?”
‘I’m here for accounting, but I want to be a graphic artist.” she said, “But that’s not really a real job to my dad so, accounting.”
Quinn rolled her eyes. “If my father had anything to say about it, my only degree would be in housemaking. The only use he has for me is to marry me off to one of his cronies like he did my big sister.” She took a breath reciting from memory, “‘Women are to be seen and not heard, Quinn.’ ‘Your aunt is a Godless aberration by refusing to marry a man and bearing children as God intended.’ ‘A woman’s happiness is in her children.’ That sort of thing.”
“Well that’s fucked up.” Amanda said, “But honestly if you let him keep bothering you he wins. You’re away from him, live it up and forget him.” Amanda looked at her and cocked her head, “You obviously ignore him. You’re gay and have a girlfriend who you love so don’t let him eat at your brain.”
“I don’t. Though I did threaten to kill him the last time I saw him,” Quinn looked thoughtful for a moment then shrugged. “What about you? Where are you from?”
“Me...” She looked at Quinn, “Oh I’m from Upstate New York.” She stood up and grabbed a pair of black pants and a long sleeve black shirt to sleep up and put it on her bed, as she looked around and located her shower caddy. “Not really exciting.”
“New York? Really? That sounds more exciting than Ohio,” Quinn offered with a faint smile. “Santana and I were supposed to go to New York City for Nationals with our school’s Glee club once. But well... that didn’t happen. I don’t even know if they could qualify to go without us there to have enough members. We spent the last two years on my aunts’ ranch here in Vermont... not a whole lot of social opportunities in Goshen.”
“New York City is like really far from where I live. I’ve only been there once.” She shrugged, “My town was small I graduated with like 80 people and only a few of us got out of the town or the state to go to college. I’m pretty sure everyone will end up knocked up and whatever... Fuck them they all suck anyway.” She said and grabbed a snack bag of popcorn and opened it taking a few pieces and munched on them. “You want some popcorn?”
Quinn glanced at the bag and chewed on her lip in indecision. She hadn’t eaten all day, but she just wasn’t hungry either. “No, but thanks for offering. You want a drink or something? I think my aunts half filled this fridge with like Vitamin Water and stuff.”
“Nah, I got water.” She said, “My dad brought a fridge too but I think it has nothing but vegan stuff in it and I doubt anyone else wants it.” She said softly, “I don’t do meat or dairy...”
“Vegan, huh?” Quinn chuckled, “San’s gonna love that. You really are like a dark version of Rachel. Well, I’ve got a lot of fruit and stuff, so if you want, you’re welcome.” She loaded a few more things in the fridge before coming up with a box of Edy’s whole fruit bars, “Oh thank you, Aunt Becca! These are amazing. Have you ever had one? I think I remember Rachel saying she liked them...”
“I’m good for now, thanks.” She shook her head, “You and your family are freakishly cute. You’re gonna make me want to puke a lot.” She said with a laugh as she ate her popcorn. “You may have had a shit family in Ohio, but your real family seems pretty sweet.” she looked at the girl, “Whose this Rachel chick? Other girlfriend?”
Quinn rolled her eyes. “Oh God no. She’s more like this frustratingly talented girl who can’t get her head out of her own problems long enough to actually be successful. She stole my boyfriend actually and is probably going to end up pregnant and stuck married to his moronic ass for the rest of her life. Sorry for the comparison. You don’t actually seem the type to let a guy dictate what should or shouldn’t make you happy like she was doing when we... left.”
“Ah... so friend you had a mild undisclosed crush on.” Amanda pointed out, “Good to know, and hell no. Dumbass dudes can’t handle me and I don’t think that they should get the chance to dictate to me. That’s the nice thing about only dating nerds since they’re just happy a girl is paying attention to them they treat you like a queen.” She smirked and took a sip of her water, “But yeah I knew a few girls like that in school, they’re already pregnant.. I mean not that getting knocked up in high school is a bad thing, my best friend got pregnant at 16 and her daughter is awesome. I’m sure you’ll meet her when she comes to visit.”
“Sounds like a plan. Maybe if Santana’s up here too when they visit, we can try hanging out together.” Quinn smiled hopefully, “She really needs to learn to interact comfortably with people who aren’t me or her moms and she’s pretty awesome with little kids so,” she shrugged. “It’s worth a shot right?”
“Sounds cool.” Amanda smiled, “I’m just chilling most of the time so feel free to bother me. I don’t know anyone else who decided to go to UVM.” She threw away her trash and rolled her neck. “Alright.. I’m gonna check out these gross showers and I’ll report back to how they are.” She grabbed her caddy and towel and headed into the bathroom.
“Sounds like a plan,” Quinn smiled, turning back to her desk.
The ride back to the farm was silent. Santana had cried herself to sleep and curled up into a ball in the back of the car. Once they reached the house Cindy scooped the girl up and brought her up to the house. She stopped at the two doors that contained the girl’s bedroom, she almost brought her into the smaller of the two but decided Santana would most likely want to be in Quinn’s bed. She settled the girl down and stroked her hair.
“You’ll be okay, Santana.” She whispered, “You’ll be okay.”
Rebecca gathered the remains of their trip out of the SUV and generally cleaned up before heading up to check on Santana and Cindy. “Hey,” she whispered, leaning on the door frame and watching her partner with their daughter, “is she okay?”
“I doubt it.” Cindy said softly as she covered her little girl up. She stood up and moved over to her wife, “She ran away to be with Quinn... and now Quinn’s gone and she’s still got so much pain to deal with. Quinn’s not much better.”
Rebecca sighed, leaning into her wife. “I really wish I could help them both more. At least Santana talks to me...”
“She might talk but it’s not like we can fix any of her problems.” Cindy sighed, “We can’t make her HIV go away, we can’t make her past go away... the demons that eat away at her...” She sighed and held onto her wife. “Quinn... Quinn is like broken down and she could be fixed if she wanted to talk to someone.” She sighed softly.
“You’re the one who keeps telling me to be patient with Quinn, love.” Rebecca pointed out. “And at least we can give Santana the skills to cope with her demons. Quinn’s a Fabray’s Fabray much as it pains me to say it. She’s stubborn to the core and is absolutely determined to do things herself.”
“I’m nervous that Santana is going to push us away now that Quinn’s at school.” Cindy admitted, “I know she was only here because of Quinn... what if she doesn’t want to stay now?”
“We can only cross that bridge when we come to it, Cindy.” Rebecca looked sadly at the tiny girl curled up in Quinn’s bed, her cats cuddled into her chest and back. “We can’t speculate as if we can do something, but she knows that as long as she’s here, she’s still connected with Quinn.”
“I-I can’t lose our daughter.” Cindy whimpered, “We just got her.” She wrapped her arms around her wife and pulled her closer, “I don’t wanna lose either of them.”
Rebecca turned to hug her, resting her head on Cindy’s shoulder. “It’ll be okay. They’ll be okay. They’re strong girls. They can get through this. Though,” she tried joking to cheer her wife up, “we might end up paying almost as much as tuition to keep Santana in gas for her car.”
Cindy chuckled, “It will come out of the money she’s been getting for working in the clinic all summer.” Cindy said against her wife’s chest, “She’s gonna keep working more hours while the rest of the staff heads back to school.”
“She’s dedicated. And,” Rebecca turned her head to kiss Cindy’s hair, “I think you’re something of an idol to her. She definitely looks up to you, love.”
Cindy shrugged, “I think that she just likes the animals.” She sighed and looked at the girl who kept reaching out to try to cuddle into a body that wasn’t there. “Fuck that’s sad.”
“They’ll get through it,” Rebecca insisted, though she wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince Cindy or herself.
Chapter Thirty-Seven