The Way To Each Other - Chapter Thirty-Seven
Title: The Way To Each Other
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: Epic (230,271)
Spoilers: This is AU. Some mentions of Seasons 1 & 2 events though handled differently than in canon.
Pairing: Santana/Quinn
Summary: Santana's life is far harder than it appears to the average viewer. Her dad's in jail and her mom turns tricks in their old family home. Worst yet, Santana herself has to do the same to keep her mom alive and food in her belly. Can Quinn save her? Or will Quinn's domineering father ruin everything? For the Glee Bang
Warnings (highlight to read): talks of suicide, angst, language, graphic het and femslash sex, non-con, dub-con, oral, vaginal, anal, pedophilia, sex work, underage prostitution, abuse, violence sexual and non, minor character death, self-harm, drug use, disease - HIV
Chapter 37
It had been nearly two months since Quinn had been left at college and thing had adjusted for the most part, more or less to a new kind of normal. Every Friday, Santana made the drive up to Burlington to meet Quinn after her last class and spend the weekend together. Every Sunday was hard, but they both were coming to terms with the fact that they’d be on Skype that night talking to each other before bed.
They should have realized that things couldn’t stay so simple.
Santana was straight faced as she drove back from her appointment with Megan. Everything was bad. She couldn’t feel anything. Her doctor’s appointment went bad, really bad. Her monthly tests had come back and her disease was progressing. Megan tried to tell her that having HIV for 17 years and only being on medications for nearly a year her virus was bound to progress. She didn’t have AIDS, not yet. But, her body was moving closer and closer to being diagnosed with a progressive virus.
It wasn’t okay. Santana had dreams and hearing that she was getting sicker was making all of her dreams fall apart. She pulled into the driveway of the clinic and she got out, slamming the door and she was in need of a hug from her mom. Santana turned the corner and went to say hello to Pony and Beauty, but Beauty wasn’t there.
“Mom?” Santana called as she headed back to the large animal examining room.
Cindy looked over from where Beauty was in a sling unit looking worried. “Santana. You’re here.” She looked sad and troubled, one hand stroking along Beauty’s neck as the horse slumped in the harness. “It’s about Beauty...”
“M-mom?” Santana’s lip quivered as she moved closer to Beauty, “W-why is she in here?”
“She took a turn for the worst, baby.” Cindy reached out to squeeze her daughter’s shoulder, trying to comfort her. “She can’t even stand up on her own any more. I’m afraid it’s her time, Santana. I’m so sorry...”
Santana looked at her and then back to the horse. "No! She's fine! She's just tired!" She said, "She was just tired today, she's fine!" Santana wrapped her arms around Beauty's neck and breathed in her horse. "She's fine, I'll take care of her she’s fine. I can take care of her." She sobbed.
"Santana," Cindy whispered, her heart breaking for the girl, "I'm so sorry, baby, but she's in so much pain right now. Look at her, San. Really look at her and listen to what she's trying to tell you. She's hurting too much..."
Santana rested her head against Beauty’s. "Please," she whispered, her hand stroking the horse, "be okay, please." She whimpered, "Make her better! You need to make her better she has to be okay. Pony needs a mom!"
Cindy blinked back tears. "That's gonna have to be you now, baby girl. We've known Beauty was sick for a while now and she's give us so much love, we owe it to her to not make her suffer any more. I wish I could make her better, Santana. I wish she could talk to me and tell me where it hurt so I could fix it, but she can't. She just can't. We can't make her suffer just because we need her. She depends on us to take care of her..."
"I can take care of her! It's not fair why does everyone else get to end their pain?" she cried. "My mom got to and now Beauty? When do I get to go? Why does she get more humane treatment than me? I'm fucking sick, why can't I just go!" Santana cried, her arms clinging into her horse and not willing to let her go.
"Santana, don't say that..." Cindy's voice broke, "please don't say that. We love you and you have a long life ahead of you. With Quinn. Don't you want that still? Don't you know what it would do to her if you died...?"
"I am like one cold away from AIDS!" Santana screamed, "Don't take her away!" she cried into her horse’s neck. Beauty was the first thing she trusted at the ranch outside of Quinn. She couldn't handle this, not today.
"And none of that means you're going to die, Santana! You have people who love and trust you! You're my daughter," her voice cracked as she tried to wipe her tears away. "I love you more than anything and I wish to God every damn night that He'd heal you and make me sick instead. But He never does. No matter how I wish I could be sick instead of you. God, I know what she means to you, Santana! I know! Do you think I want to do this? That I enjoy taking the lives of animals who trust me to make them better but I can't?"
Santana fell to the floor, she curled into herself and started sobbing as she watched Cindy holding the syringe of liquid that would take away Beauty’s pain. Beauty tried whinnying and reaching for Santana from her place in the sling but she could barely move even that much and her whinny sounded wet like her lungs were full of water. Cindy stroked along her neck, trying to calm her.
"Her lungs are filling with liquid, Santana. I'm so sorry, but I can't let her drown like that..."
"Make her pain go away." Santana whimpered, reaching up and pressing her palm to the velvet of Beauty’s muzzle. "It's okay, girl... I'll take care of Pony. I promise."
It may have been coincidence, but as soon as Santana touched the mare's nose and promised to take care of her foal, Beauty closed her eyes, her head dipping slightly almost like a little nod. Cindy took a deep breath and carefully injected the syringe into her neck. "It'll be a little while before it works. You don't have to stay with her, Santana. I promise she won't be alone if you want to go sit with Pony..."
Santana didn’t move. She kept her hand to the horse and her head pressed against her nose soft nose, listening to the wet, labored sounds of the mare struggling to keep breathing. It took nearly a half hour before Beauty let out a shuttering final breath and relaxed into the sling. The monitor that had been tracking her heart went from a slow beat to a steady tone.
"That's it," Cindy whispered, reaching out to put a comforting hand on Santana's shoulder, "She's in a better place now..."
Santana pulled away like she had been burned. Her eyes were near black with grief and rage, she thrashed her body up and stormed out of the room. She stopped when she got outside the barn, an anguished scream ripping from her lips as her hand struck the side of the barn.
Cindy froze, shivering and scared as Santana screamed and pulled away to run. "Oh God," she whispered, all of her fears seeming to be coming true. "Oh God, please don't let her go... Please don't take my daughter from me... Please..."
An shaking hour behind the wheel of her car later, Santana found herself at the university. Slipping into the dorm where Quinn lived behind another student, she knocked on Quinn's door, her face stained with tears and pale with shock. Quinn didn't open the door so with an exhausted sob, the girl crumbled onto the floor. She curled up in a ball, her hand under her shirt so she wouldn't bleed on anything, deciding she didn't have enough strength to keep standing. Her eyes closed and as her body shook with exhaustion and pain, she prayed that Quinn would get back soon.
Quinn was laughing at something Amanda had pointed out about their shared English professor as they came out of the stairs at the end of their hall. Amanda was the first to notice the curled up lump by their door.
"Hey, Q, you expecting a new rug or something?"
Quinn looked down the hall in confusion, her eyes widening as she recognized the familiar shape of her girlfriend on the floor. "Oh my God, Santana!" She ran down the hall, skidding to a stop by her lover, "Are you okay? What's wrong? Did something happen?" She knew the questions were inane, but she couldn't stop asking as she frantically checked Santana for injuries.
"D-don't touch," she whimpered, "Bleeding." She nodded her head to where her white shirt was soaking through with blood from her hand where she had bundled it up. She looked up at her girlfriend with pained eyes. "It hurts."
"Oh God," she whispered, getting her hands under Santana's arms to help her up. "Come on, baby, let's get you inside so I can bandage you up, okay? You know I keep gloves in my first aid kit so it's safe."
"What's going on?" Amanda asked coming up.
"Later, Amanda. San's hurt."
Santana did her best to hold onto her girlfriend as Quinn got them to their feet. Amanda quickly came over and unlocked the door and looked at her nervously. "Can I do anything?" Amanda said as she watched Quinn put Santana on one of the computer chairs.
"No, just," Quinn shook her head, getting her first aid kit out of the bottom of her dresser and gloving up before carefully tugging Santana's hand free of her shirt with a soft hiss at the torn open knuckles, "I've got this. Thanks. Jesus, San, did you get in a fight?"
Amanda looked on confused as to why the girl needed to wear gloves. She went into the bathroom and grabbed a towel and wet it for Quinn and put it on the desk in case she needed it.
Santana wouldn't make eye contact with Quinn. She just watched as she tended her hand and struggled to keep from shaking. "I hit the barn." She said softly as she flexed her fingers.
"Idiot," Quinn chided gently, carefully cleaning the wound, her hands soft and gentle with Santana even through the gloves, "why'd you do something like that? The barn is way too big for you to take on bare handed. What happened, San?"
"I'm having a bad day." She whimpered as she looked up at Quinn. "I'm having a really bad day." She sniffled and closed her eyes.
"A bad day?" Quinn looked worried as she bound up Santana's hand carefully. "What... What kind of bad day?"
"Saw... saw Megan." She sniffled and then closed her eyes. "I came home and Beauty wasn't with Pony... I found her... she was so sad and sick..."
"Megan and...and Beauty?" Quinn finished bandaging Santana up and pulled off her blood-stained t-shirt and gloves before pulling her protectively into her arms and kissing the side of her head. "What happened, San? You can tell me. You're safe here..."
"Cindy put Beauty to sleep." Santana cried softly, "I watched, I.... she's dead. She's dead Quinn."
"Oh, San," Quinn breathed, sitting on the floor and pulling Santana into her lap and holding her close. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry..."
"I've been trying so hard to keep her okay... to make her okay again." Santana sobbed, "Now... now Pony's all alone and I couldn't save Beauty." She clung onto her girlfriend and cried into her shoulder as she shook.
"We can't always save the things we love, baby," Quinn whispered into her hair, rocking them on the floor and trying to contain her own tears. "Sometimes it's better to let them go. Especially with animals, San. They don't live as long as us and we can't make them try."
Amanda just sat on her bed and tried not to intrude on the obvious sad moment. She didn't know what was going on - why Quinn had to glove up to bandage up her girlfriend or why Santana was so broken up over an animal - but she didn't want to be the one who broke them apart to ask.
"I tried to keep her alive... I failed again." She sobbed her body slumping over, "I couldn't save her..." Santana didn’t know whether or not she was talking about the horse or her mother.
"You didn't fail her," Quinn whispered, rubbing Santana's back. "You loved her so much and she knew you did. You're raising her baby for her. And, San, you were with her in the end. She didn't go alone and she knew she was loved and her son would be loved. You didn't fail her, San. You didn't..."
"No, I did." She sighed, "I did... I let her go and I didn't do my job. She died alone." Santana sighed exhaustedly, cuddling into her girlfriend and crying herself to sleep in her arms.
"I.. is she going to be okay?" Amanda whispered nervously.
Quinn sighed, finally realizing Santana was talking about her mother. "Probably not for a long while," she admitted softly, carefully getting to her feet and adjusting her grip so she could carry the other girl up the ladder to her bed without either of them getting hurt. "This is why she can't be here at school yet. Because those sons of bitches hurt her so bad. I'd kill them all if I could."
"Why... why do you have to wear gloves when you touch her?" She asked softly as she looked at her roommate. "Just... just in case you are not here and she needs help someday." She looked at her friend and watched the girl get covered with the blanket on Quinn's bed so she wouldn't be exposed to the room.
"I'll try to always be there when she needs help," Quinn sighed softly, sitting on the edge of the bed so she'd still be close to Santana, "but I have to wear gloves because she's...positive, you know?"
"Positive?" Amanda asked not really knowing what she meant. "I'm sorry Quinn... I don't really understand."
"She's got," her voice broke softly as she reached back to brush a hand over Santana's shoulder as the girl stirred in her sleep, calming her back down. "Her mom gave her HIV as a baby and then... then..." she shook her head, hating to remember it.
"Oh shit," Amanda swore. "Quinn... That's... How do you... I mean that must be so hard for you both," she said not even knowing how to comprehend such a thing.
"I love her," she shrugged like it was the easiest and most obvious answer. "I don't care that she's sick or what she had to go through. She's worth it. Every last moment."
"Why does the horse mean so much to her?" Amanda asked as she dug three Capri suns from her fridge and threw one onto her bed and gave Quinn the other two.
"Beauty was the first responsibility she had when she showed up at my aunts. She never asked much but San's presence and she seemed like she was getting better so this is really hard on her."
"The... the way she was talking seemed like more." Amanda started hesitantly, "Did she lose someone else suddenly?"
"Her mom," she whispered softly, not elaborating though the way her posture changed to protective of Santana as she turned to check on her said a lot about her own opinion of the woman.
"Her horse dying must have triggered her or something." Amanda said, before getting off the bed. "I'm gonna go get some dinner for everyone okay? I'll bring pizza back so she can have food when she wakes up." She said as she grabbed her purse. "Need anything else?"
"No and," she paused licking her lips before smiling lopsidedly, "thanks, Amanda. I really appreciate it. You're a lot better friend than I thought you'd be when we first met."
"Don't judge the goth by her cover." She smiled and waved before softly closing the door as Santana breathed slowly and clutched Quinn's dress in her good hand.
Quinn stretched out beside Santana and cuddled her close. "I'm here, San. I won't let anyone take you from me..."
Santana struggled to wake from a dream as she trashed slightly in her girlfriend’s arms. "S-stop." she whispered, her lips trembling, "No... l-leave me alone." her voice called out. "I d-did everything right." She whimpered, "Please..."
"San," Quinn's voice was heavy with sleep as she loosened her grip on the girl slightly to keep her from feeling trapped. "Baby, I'm right here. No one's going to hurt you. I won't let them. Shhh..."
"S-stop." She whimpered again, her hands moving to cover her face. "Please stop." She was shaking, her body breaking out into a cold sweat as she cowered in the bed. "H-help."
"Santana," Quinn whispered in her ear, taking care not to be trapping the girl in any way, "wake up. Wake up. I'm here. It's me. It's Quinn. I love you, baby, and I won't let anyone hurt you again. I promise you. I'll stop anyone who tries."
"D-don't let me die." Santana cried softly, "I don't wanna die yet." She shook as she felt her body unable to fight its way out of slumber. "I don't wanna leave Q..."
"Never, San," Quinn whispered, kissing the girl's jaw. "I'll do everything to keep you with me. I'll keep you safe. I promise, San. I'll do anything I have to to keep you safe and healthy, baby..."
Santana's eyes flickered open. "I'm getting sicker, Quinn." Her body started settling down from her night terror as soon as she saw her lover's eyes. "I'm sick and it's not gonna get better."
For a moment, Quinn felt like she couldn't breathe. Like the walls of her world were collapsing and there was nowhere left to run. But in the end, she took a breath and gathered herself, smiling down at Santana as she leaned over her. "That's okay. We can handle it, San. Remember? I'm going to be with you no matter what. I promised and I love you way too much to leave. No matter what, San. Remember? I'm gonna be with you every step of the way."
"I don't wanna get sicker." Santana whimpered, "I don't wanna die and leave you all alone. I couldn't handle that..." She said, not even worried about her own health, more that if she would hurt Quinn someday.
"I don't want you to die either, San." Quinn tried to smile, but there were tears in her eyes, "I don't really know how to be happy without you. But I'd rather spend the rest of my life knowing I made the rest of yours happy and worth living than give up now. I want every moment I can have with you, San." She leaned down and kissed her, "And remember, we're gonna have a baby together some day, right?"
Santana blinked her eyes and nodded, "I just wanna be with you... I don't want anything else. I just want you."
"You've got me," Quinn smirked lopsidedly, "forever, San. You're the only one I want, beautiful. I mean, come on, I agreed to carry your baby when we're older. Doesn't that mean I want you?"
"I can't wait... our beautiful baby." She said softly, praying that she'll live long enough to see it grow up. "I want you and I just... it's not fair Quinn..."
"You're right. It's not. But I love you and we're going to do everything right so you stay with me as long as you possibly can. Okay?" She leaned down to brush her lips over Santana's gently.
Santana leaned up and kissed her. The kiss wasn't soft, nor was it overly sexual. It was about need and tenderness, it was about the connection that they had that they could never lose because of how much they loved each other. After a few minutes Santana pulled away and rested her head on Quinn's chest and listened to her heart. "I'm scared."
"Me too," Quinn admitted softly, "but we can handle this. Together, San. Has anything ever managed to beat us when we work together?"
Santana nodded, "Q-quinn?" She said softly, "I don't wanna be scared of everything anymore." She whispered, "C-can I try coming to class with you one day? I... I want to come to school next year and and... I wanna be okay."
"Are you seriously asking me if you can spend more time with me?" Quinn asked incredulously. She laughed softly, hugging Santana close. "Of course you can, baby! Whenever you want, okay? I always want you with me."
"I... before Megan told me I was sicker... I told her I was ready to..." Santana swallowed, "I was ready to be with you."
"Really?" Quinn breathed, smiling softly. "I don't know if I should pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming," she teased, kissing Santana gently. "Is that what made her tell you you're worse? Did it...did it change things for you? Because, I don't want to do anything you're not ready for. You know that."
"No... She wanted me to make sure I was taking my medications now that I was coming to visit you." She sighed, "The university campus is like a gross breeding ground for infections and viruses." She wrapped her arms around Quinn, "I still want to be with you."
"So we get you some of those germ masks during flu season," Quinn shrugged, cuddling Santana close. "I want you with me. I always want you with me."
"Ugh," Amanda groaned from across the room, "touching as this all is, some of us like to sleep when the moon's out. Also, if you two wanna bone, I wanna leave first."
"There's no boning." Santana blushed as she cuddled closer to her lover. "Not tonight." She pulled the blanket back over them and she tangled their fingers together.
"Uh huh." Amanda groaned as she covered her head with her pillow.
Quinn just rolled her eyes and snuggled into Santana. "I'll drive you home in the morning, okay? We can spend the weekend together hanging out with Pony and figuring out what classes you'd like to sit in on, okay? How's that sound?"
"Sounds good." She said softly, her eyes closing as she held onto her lover. "I love you."
"I love you too." Quinn kissed the top of her head and cuddled her close so Santana's head was resting on her chest, "Get some sleep, beautiful."
Chapter Thirty-eight
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: Epic (230,271)
Spoilers: This is AU. Some mentions of Seasons 1 & 2 events though handled differently than in canon.
Pairing: Santana/Quinn
Summary: Santana's life is far harder than it appears to the average viewer. Her dad's in jail and her mom turns tricks in their old family home. Worst yet, Santana herself has to do the same to keep her mom alive and food in her belly. Can Quinn save her? Or will Quinn's domineering father ruin everything? For the Glee Bang
Warnings (highlight to read): talks of suicide, angst, language, graphic het and femslash sex, non-con, dub-con, oral, vaginal, anal, pedophilia, sex work, underage prostitution, abuse, violence sexual and non, minor character death, self-harm, drug use, disease - HIV
Chapter 37
It had been nearly two months since Quinn had been left at college and thing had adjusted for the most part, more or less to a new kind of normal. Every Friday, Santana made the drive up to Burlington to meet Quinn after her last class and spend the weekend together. Every Sunday was hard, but they both were coming to terms with the fact that they’d be on Skype that night talking to each other before bed.
They should have realized that things couldn’t stay so simple.
Santana was straight faced as she drove back from her appointment with Megan. Everything was bad. She couldn’t feel anything. Her doctor’s appointment went bad, really bad. Her monthly tests had come back and her disease was progressing. Megan tried to tell her that having HIV for 17 years and only being on medications for nearly a year her virus was bound to progress. She didn’t have AIDS, not yet. But, her body was moving closer and closer to being diagnosed with a progressive virus.
It wasn’t okay. Santana had dreams and hearing that she was getting sicker was making all of her dreams fall apart. She pulled into the driveway of the clinic and she got out, slamming the door and she was in need of a hug from her mom. Santana turned the corner and went to say hello to Pony and Beauty, but Beauty wasn’t there.
“Mom?” Santana called as she headed back to the large animal examining room.
Cindy looked over from where Beauty was in a sling unit looking worried. “Santana. You’re here.” She looked sad and troubled, one hand stroking along Beauty’s neck as the horse slumped in the harness. “It’s about Beauty...”
“M-mom?” Santana’s lip quivered as she moved closer to Beauty, “W-why is she in here?”
“She took a turn for the worst, baby.” Cindy reached out to squeeze her daughter’s shoulder, trying to comfort her. “She can’t even stand up on her own any more. I’m afraid it’s her time, Santana. I’m so sorry...”
Santana looked at her and then back to the horse. "No! She's fine! She's just tired!" She said, "She was just tired today, she's fine!" Santana wrapped her arms around Beauty's neck and breathed in her horse. "She's fine, I'll take care of her she’s fine. I can take care of her." She sobbed.
"Santana," Cindy whispered, her heart breaking for the girl, "I'm so sorry, baby, but she's in so much pain right now. Look at her, San. Really look at her and listen to what she's trying to tell you. She's hurting too much..."
Santana rested her head against Beauty’s. "Please," she whispered, her hand stroking the horse, "be okay, please." She whimpered, "Make her better! You need to make her better she has to be okay. Pony needs a mom!"
Cindy blinked back tears. "That's gonna have to be you now, baby girl. We've known Beauty was sick for a while now and she's give us so much love, we owe it to her to not make her suffer any more. I wish I could make her better, Santana. I wish she could talk to me and tell me where it hurt so I could fix it, but she can't. She just can't. We can't make her suffer just because we need her. She depends on us to take care of her..."
"I can take care of her! It's not fair why does everyone else get to end their pain?" she cried. "My mom got to and now Beauty? When do I get to go? Why does she get more humane treatment than me? I'm fucking sick, why can't I just go!" Santana cried, her arms clinging into her horse and not willing to let her go.
"Santana, don't say that..." Cindy's voice broke, "please don't say that. We love you and you have a long life ahead of you. With Quinn. Don't you want that still? Don't you know what it would do to her if you died...?"
"I am like one cold away from AIDS!" Santana screamed, "Don't take her away!" she cried into her horse’s neck. Beauty was the first thing she trusted at the ranch outside of Quinn. She couldn't handle this, not today.
"And none of that means you're going to die, Santana! You have people who love and trust you! You're my daughter," her voice cracked as she tried to wipe her tears away. "I love you more than anything and I wish to God every damn night that He'd heal you and make me sick instead. But He never does. No matter how I wish I could be sick instead of you. God, I know what she means to you, Santana! I know! Do you think I want to do this? That I enjoy taking the lives of animals who trust me to make them better but I can't?"
Santana fell to the floor, she curled into herself and started sobbing as she watched Cindy holding the syringe of liquid that would take away Beauty’s pain. Beauty tried whinnying and reaching for Santana from her place in the sling but she could barely move even that much and her whinny sounded wet like her lungs were full of water. Cindy stroked along her neck, trying to calm her.
"Her lungs are filling with liquid, Santana. I'm so sorry, but I can't let her drown like that..."
"Make her pain go away." Santana whimpered, reaching up and pressing her palm to the velvet of Beauty’s muzzle. "It's okay, girl... I'll take care of Pony. I promise."
It may have been coincidence, but as soon as Santana touched the mare's nose and promised to take care of her foal, Beauty closed her eyes, her head dipping slightly almost like a little nod. Cindy took a deep breath and carefully injected the syringe into her neck. "It'll be a little while before it works. You don't have to stay with her, Santana. I promise she won't be alone if you want to go sit with Pony..."
Santana didn’t move. She kept her hand to the horse and her head pressed against her nose soft nose, listening to the wet, labored sounds of the mare struggling to keep breathing. It took nearly a half hour before Beauty let out a shuttering final breath and relaxed into the sling. The monitor that had been tracking her heart went from a slow beat to a steady tone.
"That's it," Cindy whispered, reaching out to put a comforting hand on Santana's shoulder, "She's in a better place now..."
Santana pulled away like she had been burned. Her eyes were near black with grief and rage, she thrashed her body up and stormed out of the room. She stopped when she got outside the barn, an anguished scream ripping from her lips as her hand struck the side of the barn.
Cindy froze, shivering and scared as Santana screamed and pulled away to run. "Oh God," she whispered, all of her fears seeming to be coming true. "Oh God, please don't let her go... Please don't take my daughter from me... Please..."
An shaking hour behind the wheel of her car later, Santana found herself at the university. Slipping into the dorm where Quinn lived behind another student, she knocked on Quinn's door, her face stained with tears and pale with shock. Quinn didn't open the door so with an exhausted sob, the girl crumbled onto the floor. She curled up in a ball, her hand under her shirt so she wouldn't bleed on anything, deciding she didn't have enough strength to keep standing. Her eyes closed and as her body shook with exhaustion and pain, she prayed that Quinn would get back soon.
Quinn was laughing at something Amanda had pointed out about their shared English professor as they came out of the stairs at the end of their hall. Amanda was the first to notice the curled up lump by their door.
"Hey, Q, you expecting a new rug or something?"
Quinn looked down the hall in confusion, her eyes widening as she recognized the familiar shape of her girlfriend on the floor. "Oh my God, Santana!" She ran down the hall, skidding to a stop by her lover, "Are you okay? What's wrong? Did something happen?" She knew the questions were inane, but she couldn't stop asking as she frantically checked Santana for injuries.
"D-don't touch," she whimpered, "Bleeding." She nodded her head to where her white shirt was soaking through with blood from her hand where she had bundled it up. She looked up at her girlfriend with pained eyes. "It hurts."
"Oh God," she whispered, getting her hands under Santana's arms to help her up. "Come on, baby, let's get you inside so I can bandage you up, okay? You know I keep gloves in my first aid kit so it's safe."
"What's going on?" Amanda asked coming up.
"Later, Amanda. San's hurt."
Santana did her best to hold onto her girlfriend as Quinn got them to their feet. Amanda quickly came over and unlocked the door and looked at her nervously. "Can I do anything?" Amanda said as she watched Quinn put Santana on one of the computer chairs.
"No, just," Quinn shook her head, getting her first aid kit out of the bottom of her dresser and gloving up before carefully tugging Santana's hand free of her shirt with a soft hiss at the torn open knuckles, "I've got this. Thanks. Jesus, San, did you get in a fight?"
Amanda looked on confused as to why the girl needed to wear gloves. She went into the bathroom and grabbed a towel and wet it for Quinn and put it on the desk in case she needed it.
Santana wouldn't make eye contact with Quinn. She just watched as she tended her hand and struggled to keep from shaking. "I hit the barn." She said softly as she flexed her fingers.
"Idiot," Quinn chided gently, carefully cleaning the wound, her hands soft and gentle with Santana even through the gloves, "why'd you do something like that? The barn is way too big for you to take on bare handed. What happened, San?"
"I'm having a bad day." She whimpered as she looked up at Quinn. "I'm having a really bad day." She sniffled and closed her eyes.
"A bad day?" Quinn looked worried as she bound up Santana's hand carefully. "What... What kind of bad day?"
"Saw... saw Megan." She sniffled and then closed her eyes. "I came home and Beauty wasn't with Pony... I found her... she was so sad and sick..."
"Megan and...and Beauty?" Quinn finished bandaging Santana up and pulled off her blood-stained t-shirt and gloves before pulling her protectively into her arms and kissing the side of her head. "What happened, San? You can tell me. You're safe here..."
"Cindy put Beauty to sleep." Santana cried softly, "I watched, I.... she's dead. She's dead Quinn."
"Oh, San," Quinn breathed, sitting on the floor and pulling Santana into her lap and holding her close. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry..."
"I've been trying so hard to keep her okay... to make her okay again." Santana sobbed, "Now... now Pony's all alone and I couldn't save Beauty." She clung onto her girlfriend and cried into her shoulder as she shook.
"We can't always save the things we love, baby," Quinn whispered into her hair, rocking them on the floor and trying to contain her own tears. "Sometimes it's better to let them go. Especially with animals, San. They don't live as long as us and we can't make them try."
Amanda just sat on her bed and tried not to intrude on the obvious sad moment. She didn't know what was going on - why Quinn had to glove up to bandage up her girlfriend or why Santana was so broken up over an animal - but she didn't want to be the one who broke them apart to ask.
"I tried to keep her alive... I failed again." She sobbed her body slumping over, "I couldn't save her..." Santana didn’t know whether or not she was talking about the horse or her mother.
"You didn't fail her," Quinn whispered, rubbing Santana's back. "You loved her so much and she knew you did. You're raising her baby for her. And, San, you were with her in the end. She didn't go alone and she knew she was loved and her son would be loved. You didn't fail her, San. You didn't..."
"No, I did." She sighed, "I did... I let her go and I didn't do my job. She died alone." Santana sighed exhaustedly, cuddling into her girlfriend and crying herself to sleep in her arms.
"I.. is she going to be okay?" Amanda whispered nervously.
Quinn sighed, finally realizing Santana was talking about her mother. "Probably not for a long while," she admitted softly, carefully getting to her feet and adjusting her grip so she could carry the other girl up the ladder to her bed without either of them getting hurt. "This is why she can't be here at school yet. Because those sons of bitches hurt her so bad. I'd kill them all if I could."
"Why... why do you have to wear gloves when you touch her?" She asked softly as she looked at her roommate. "Just... just in case you are not here and she needs help someday." She looked at her friend and watched the girl get covered with the blanket on Quinn's bed so she wouldn't be exposed to the room.
"I'll try to always be there when she needs help," Quinn sighed softly, sitting on the edge of the bed so she'd still be close to Santana, "but I have to wear gloves because she's...positive, you know?"
"Positive?" Amanda asked not really knowing what she meant. "I'm sorry Quinn... I don't really understand."
"She's got," her voice broke softly as she reached back to brush a hand over Santana's shoulder as the girl stirred in her sleep, calming her back down. "Her mom gave her HIV as a baby and then... then..." she shook her head, hating to remember it.
"Oh shit," Amanda swore. "Quinn... That's... How do you... I mean that must be so hard for you both," she said not even knowing how to comprehend such a thing.
"I love her," she shrugged like it was the easiest and most obvious answer. "I don't care that she's sick or what she had to go through. She's worth it. Every last moment."
"Why does the horse mean so much to her?" Amanda asked as she dug three Capri suns from her fridge and threw one onto her bed and gave Quinn the other two.
"Beauty was the first responsibility she had when she showed up at my aunts. She never asked much but San's presence and she seemed like she was getting better so this is really hard on her."
"The... the way she was talking seemed like more." Amanda started hesitantly, "Did she lose someone else suddenly?"
"Her mom," she whispered softly, not elaborating though the way her posture changed to protective of Santana as she turned to check on her said a lot about her own opinion of the woman.
"Her horse dying must have triggered her or something." Amanda said, before getting off the bed. "I'm gonna go get some dinner for everyone okay? I'll bring pizza back so she can have food when she wakes up." She said as she grabbed her purse. "Need anything else?"
"No and," she paused licking her lips before smiling lopsidedly, "thanks, Amanda. I really appreciate it. You're a lot better friend than I thought you'd be when we first met."
"Don't judge the goth by her cover." She smiled and waved before softly closing the door as Santana breathed slowly and clutched Quinn's dress in her good hand.
Quinn stretched out beside Santana and cuddled her close. "I'm here, San. I won't let anyone take you from me..."
Santana struggled to wake from a dream as she trashed slightly in her girlfriend’s arms. "S-stop." she whispered, her lips trembling, "No... l-leave me alone." her voice called out. "I d-did everything right." She whimpered, "Please..."
"San," Quinn's voice was heavy with sleep as she loosened her grip on the girl slightly to keep her from feeling trapped. "Baby, I'm right here. No one's going to hurt you. I won't let them. Shhh..."
"S-stop." She whimpered again, her hands moving to cover her face. "Please stop." She was shaking, her body breaking out into a cold sweat as she cowered in the bed. "H-help."
"Santana," Quinn whispered in her ear, taking care not to be trapping the girl in any way, "wake up. Wake up. I'm here. It's me. It's Quinn. I love you, baby, and I won't let anyone hurt you again. I promise you. I'll stop anyone who tries."
"D-don't let me die." Santana cried softly, "I don't wanna die yet." She shook as she felt her body unable to fight its way out of slumber. "I don't wanna leave Q..."
"Never, San," Quinn whispered, kissing the girl's jaw. "I'll do everything to keep you with me. I'll keep you safe. I promise, San. I'll do anything I have to to keep you safe and healthy, baby..."
Santana's eyes flickered open. "I'm getting sicker, Quinn." Her body started settling down from her night terror as soon as she saw her lover's eyes. "I'm sick and it's not gonna get better."
For a moment, Quinn felt like she couldn't breathe. Like the walls of her world were collapsing and there was nowhere left to run. But in the end, she took a breath and gathered herself, smiling down at Santana as she leaned over her. "That's okay. We can handle it, San. Remember? I'm going to be with you no matter what. I promised and I love you way too much to leave. No matter what, San. Remember? I'm gonna be with you every step of the way."
"I don't wanna get sicker." Santana whimpered, "I don't wanna die and leave you all alone. I couldn't handle that..." She said, not even worried about her own health, more that if she would hurt Quinn someday.
"I don't want you to die either, San." Quinn tried to smile, but there were tears in her eyes, "I don't really know how to be happy without you. But I'd rather spend the rest of my life knowing I made the rest of yours happy and worth living than give up now. I want every moment I can have with you, San." She leaned down and kissed her, "And remember, we're gonna have a baby together some day, right?"
Santana blinked her eyes and nodded, "I just wanna be with you... I don't want anything else. I just want you."
"You've got me," Quinn smirked lopsidedly, "forever, San. You're the only one I want, beautiful. I mean, come on, I agreed to carry your baby when we're older. Doesn't that mean I want you?"
"I can't wait... our beautiful baby." She said softly, praying that she'll live long enough to see it grow up. "I want you and I just... it's not fair Quinn..."
"You're right. It's not. But I love you and we're going to do everything right so you stay with me as long as you possibly can. Okay?" She leaned down to brush her lips over Santana's gently.
Santana leaned up and kissed her. The kiss wasn't soft, nor was it overly sexual. It was about need and tenderness, it was about the connection that they had that they could never lose because of how much they loved each other. After a few minutes Santana pulled away and rested her head on Quinn's chest and listened to her heart. "I'm scared."
"Me too," Quinn admitted softly, "but we can handle this. Together, San. Has anything ever managed to beat us when we work together?"
Santana nodded, "Q-quinn?" She said softly, "I don't wanna be scared of everything anymore." She whispered, "C-can I try coming to class with you one day? I... I want to come to school next year and and... I wanna be okay."
"Are you seriously asking me if you can spend more time with me?" Quinn asked incredulously. She laughed softly, hugging Santana close. "Of course you can, baby! Whenever you want, okay? I always want you with me."
"I... before Megan told me I was sicker... I told her I was ready to..." Santana swallowed, "I was ready to be with you."
"Really?" Quinn breathed, smiling softly. "I don't know if I should pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming," she teased, kissing Santana gently. "Is that what made her tell you you're worse? Did it...did it change things for you? Because, I don't want to do anything you're not ready for. You know that."
"No... She wanted me to make sure I was taking my medications now that I was coming to visit you." She sighed, "The university campus is like a gross breeding ground for infections and viruses." She wrapped her arms around Quinn, "I still want to be with you."
"So we get you some of those germ masks during flu season," Quinn shrugged, cuddling Santana close. "I want you with me. I always want you with me."
"Ugh," Amanda groaned from across the room, "touching as this all is, some of us like to sleep when the moon's out. Also, if you two wanna bone, I wanna leave first."
"There's no boning." Santana blushed as she cuddled closer to her lover. "Not tonight." She pulled the blanket back over them and she tangled their fingers together.
"Uh huh." Amanda groaned as she covered her head with her pillow.
Quinn just rolled her eyes and snuggled into Santana. "I'll drive you home in the morning, okay? We can spend the weekend together hanging out with Pony and figuring out what classes you'd like to sit in on, okay? How's that sound?"
"Sounds good." She said softly, her eyes closing as she held onto her lover. "I love you."
"I love you too." Quinn kissed the top of her head and cuddled her close so Santana's head was resting on her chest, "Get some sleep, beautiful."
Chapter Thirty-eight