I never learned how to nod and smile.
I recently, as in five minutes ago, read this. http://jasongood.net/365/2011/08/day-215-approximately-3-minutes-inside-the-head-of-my-2-year-old/
For those of you who have never interacted with a two year old this is so spot on I nearly cried. I then sent it to my brother and SIL because they now have rights and privileges to my 2 year old niece. I don't write about her often but it's mostly because being an adult who had never reproduced (until recently) I could not wrap my mind around her. She has only but recently really moved into people category. She forms words, sentences, and comes up with the most ridiculous decisions because she's 2. Everything about her cracks me up, because seriously. When the world ends for an American 2 year old it is the epitome of first world problems. Oh my God kid, you can't decide between milk and juice but you don't like the cups that the milk and juice come in and that's the extent of your problems? My God. I want to be two. I want to be two so when I don't like my glass I can completely fucking melt down and it's okay.
IT'S OKAY.
I'm the sort of person who feels silly for the exorbitant amount of bitching I do, but the point of my bitching is to usually make people laugh. If I was two not only would it be okay, it would be understood and people would stop giving me looks. I envy that kid. I don't even think she knows the power she wields...yet.
The reason this is important is people seem to have no concept that I helped raise my sister and that while hiding from her at times (sorry Chris and Denise) I find my niece completely fascinating. AND unscary.
I mean, right, I get it. When my kids hit that age I will hate them probably as much as my brother and SIL hate their kid (Mommy's tuppy, amirite?), but when I had kids I totally realized that's what I was about to walk into. I mean, let's break it down real quick, shall we?
Birth to two years- your kid will not sleep through the night, four hours of sleep will be magic, you will find yourself babbling insanely about the things your kids do THAT EVERY KID EVER HAS DONE BEFORE THEM but it will be amazing because it's YOUR KID. Things like personality will begin to develop but really the only reason they're likable at this stage is because they aren't born with teeth and don't have soulless eyes like sharks.
Two to four-As a new parent who has probably NEVER BEEN THIS CLOSE TO A CHILD without knowing you could give it back and run away means these next two years will make you want to punch something. I mean the truth is, again personality development, but at anytime your kid could stop being that awesome ball of cute and turn into an opinionated, moody, screaming, snotting, creature. It will be filled with hate and sadness ALL THE TIME and it's probably your fault. Here's the deal though. As a culture we lie to ourselves and say, "It's the terrible twos OR threes." As if your kid only gets one bad year. It's a kid. That guy can decide his year is going to be as long or short as he wants and don't you lie to yourself and believe that just because they're three a magic light goes on. I mean, it may. IT ALL DEPENDS ON HOW BIG OF AN ASSHOLE YOUR KID IS.
The reason two to four is important as far as parenting goes is EVERYONE WANTS TO REMIND YOU IT'S COMING. As if when you gave birth you were in some delusional glow that your child would fit in a crib for the rest of their life. That would be the shortest college graduate and there is a reason they don't stay that small. Mostly so they can reach the pedals and start driving you around and do the damn dishes or mow the lawn, but still. There will come a point when I would like my kids to not have to be shielded by the elements and not have me hold their fucking head up. Newborns are only so fun, so trust me I have no delusions that my children will tower over me some day. I'm not that tall.
Four til six-because of society you can basically realize puberty starts here and now. If you were a parent 20 years ago you might have gotten until 10-15 to worry about puberty but let's face it. Bratz dolls aren't going to let that shit fly. Your kindergartner NEEDS that thong underwear and blue eyeshadow AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT. If you're lucky, your little boy will need it too. There is a chance this will cause him to get beat up a lot, but most likely not.
Six to 25-Here's the real truth parents. Remember the ball of irrational that was your two year old? Yeah, let them think they're logical now and you have the next 19 years of your life. There will be moments when your child will let you know they hate you less today then they did yesterday, but the truth is they know everything right up until around 25 when they become adults.
Twenty five and beyond-since I'm still in this phase so I can assure you it mostly involves not seeing your parents enough, talking to them enough, or interacting enough. Both parties know there is love involved, but mostly it will boil down to I love you from far away and please don't come closer because this never works. Expect nagging on both parts to either come see grand kids or please bring grand kids.
For those of you who say I have no experience in the child rearing field you're correct. I have not raised my own, so I don't know the shame spiral that is, "FUCK I did that. Has anyone noticed that's mine yet?" but I still helped raise my sister and I don't live in the dark.
I'm only so-so joking when I say I had kids and now I get to love/hate them for the rest of my life. But when I say I am incapable of nodding and smiling please understand that I am not completely incompetent and have seen a child before. I may have even interacted with them.
I might have thought about what I was doing when I PLANNED HAVING MY CHILDREN. Which is another post entirely, but I sometimes wish people understood making the conscious decision to procreate is a far different situation then trying to figure out why your bender four days ago is still making you puke.
This post is another sarcastic entry where I'm sure people will be shocked that I may have said something not nice about who and what my children may become, but please understand that hormones are amazing that way. No matter what terrible people my children become I gave birth to them so I am contractually obligated to like them. That's how parenting works as you other parents know. (NO, really, I like my kids. I think they're the cutest things on earth (sorry everyone else's kids, mine are cuter) and they totally just smiled at me and they're so fucking smart they'll advance rocket science in ways no one else has. I can totally tell this and they're not even one. DUH! Special and snowflake DOES NOT BEGIN TO EXPLAIN my children, got me? DON'T TELL ME I'M IRRATIONAL!)
For those of you who have never interacted with a two year old this is so spot on I nearly cried. I then sent it to my brother and SIL because they now have rights and privileges to my 2 year old niece. I don't write about her often but it's mostly because being an adult who had never reproduced (until recently) I could not wrap my mind around her. She has only but recently really moved into people category. She forms words, sentences, and comes up with the most ridiculous decisions because she's 2. Everything about her cracks me up, because seriously. When the world ends for an American 2 year old it is the epitome of first world problems. Oh my God kid, you can't decide between milk and juice but you don't like the cups that the milk and juice come in and that's the extent of your problems? My God. I want to be two. I want to be two so when I don't like my glass I can completely fucking melt down and it's okay.
IT'S OKAY.
I'm the sort of person who feels silly for the exorbitant amount of bitching I do, but the point of my bitching is to usually make people laugh. If I was two not only would it be okay, it would be understood and people would stop giving me looks. I envy that kid. I don't even think she knows the power she wields...yet.
The reason this is important is people seem to have no concept that I helped raise my sister and that while hiding from her at times (sorry Chris and Denise) I find my niece completely fascinating. AND unscary.
I mean, right, I get it. When my kids hit that age I will hate them probably as much as my brother and SIL hate their kid (Mommy's tuppy, amirite?), but when I had kids I totally realized that's what I was about to walk into. I mean, let's break it down real quick, shall we?
Birth to two years- your kid will not sleep through the night, four hours of sleep will be magic, you will find yourself babbling insanely about the things your kids do THAT EVERY KID EVER HAS DONE BEFORE THEM but it will be amazing because it's YOUR KID. Things like personality will begin to develop but really the only reason they're likable at this stage is because they aren't born with teeth and don't have soulless eyes like sharks.
Two to four-As a new parent who has probably NEVER BEEN THIS CLOSE TO A CHILD without knowing you could give it back and run away means these next two years will make you want to punch something. I mean the truth is, again personality development, but at anytime your kid could stop being that awesome ball of cute and turn into an opinionated, moody, screaming, snotting, creature. It will be filled with hate and sadness ALL THE TIME and it's probably your fault. Here's the deal though. As a culture we lie to ourselves and say, "It's the terrible twos OR threes." As if your kid only gets one bad year. It's a kid. That guy can decide his year is going to be as long or short as he wants and don't you lie to yourself and believe that just because they're three a magic light goes on. I mean, it may. IT ALL DEPENDS ON HOW BIG OF AN ASSHOLE YOUR KID IS.
The reason two to four is important as far as parenting goes is EVERYONE WANTS TO REMIND YOU IT'S COMING. As if when you gave birth you were in some delusional glow that your child would fit in a crib for the rest of their life. That would be the shortest college graduate and there is a reason they don't stay that small. Mostly so they can reach the pedals and start driving you around and do the damn dishes or mow the lawn, but still. There will come a point when I would like my kids to not have to be shielded by the elements and not have me hold their fucking head up. Newborns are only so fun, so trust me I have no delusions that my children will tower over me some day. I'm not that tall.
Four til six-because of society you can basically realize puberty starts here and now. If you were a parent 20 years ago you might have gotten until 10-15 to worry about puberty but let's face it. Bratz dolls aren't going to let that shit fly. Your kindergartner NEEDS that thong underwear and blue eyeshadow AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT. If you're lucky, your little boy will need it too. There is a chance this will cause him to get beat up a lot, but most likely not.
Six to 25-Here's the real truth parents. Remember the ball of irrational that was your two year old? Yeah, let them think they're logical now and you have the next 19 years of your life. There will be moments when your child will let you know they hate you less today then they did yesterday, but the truth is they know everything right up until around 25 when they become adults.
Twenty five and beyond-since I'm still in this phase so I can assure you it mostly involves not seeing your parents enough, talking to them enough, or interacting enough. Both parties know there is love involved, but mostly it will boil down to I love you from far away and please don't come closer because this never works. Expect nagging on both parts to either come see grand kids or please bring grand kids.
For those of you who say I have no experience in the child rearing field you're correct. I have not raised my own, so I don't know the shame spiral that is, "FUCK I did that. Has anyone noticed that's mine yet?" but I still helped raise my sister and I don't live in the dark.
I'm only so-so joking when I say I had kids and now I get to love/hate them for the rest of my life. But when I say I am incapable of nodding and smiling please understand that I am not completely incompetent and have seen a child before. I may have even interacted with them.
I might have thought about what I was doing when I PLANNED HAVING MY CHILDREN. Which is another post entirely, but I sometimes wish people understood making the conscious decision to procreate is a far different situation then trying to figure out why your bender four days ago is still making you puke.
This post is another sarcastic entry where I'm sure people will be shocked that I may have said something not nice about who and what my children may become, but please understand that hormones are amazing that way. No matter what terrible people my children become I gave birth to them so I am contractually obligated to like them. That's how parenting works as you other parents know. (NO, really, I like my kids. I think they're the cutest things on earth (sorry everyone else's kids, mine are cuter) and they totally just smiled at me and they're so fucking smart they'll advance rocket science in ways no one else has. I can totally tell this and they're not even one. DUH! Special and snowflake DOES NOT BEGIN TO EXPLAIN my children, got me? DON'T TELL ME I'M IRRATIONAL!)