Dear Auntie, (1/2) ✿ for EVERYONE
Title: Dear Auntie,
Rating: PG-13
Side pairing/s: minor baektao
Word Count: 18.9k words
Summary: In the wise words of Kyungsoo, "It's the 21st century. Wake up. He's not going to like you just because you went and got your ass hitched while drunk." That doesn't stop Jongdae from hoping though.
somewhat (attempted-not-really) drunken to love you! au
Warning/s: a lot of (bad) exo meta references, brief mentions of fixed gender roles? (ie. a guy can't write auntie ann columns)
Notes: actually 19k of rushed rubbish i m sorry (longer a/n at the end)
Being the anonymous auntie ann columnist in a gossip magazine only teens and the Very Bored read isn't the most lucrative job in the world, by anyone's standards. In fact, Jongdae hasn't been able to find any other word to describe it other than sad -number of magazine subscriptions be damned- purely because absolutely no skill is needed to pen chunks of text describing unlikely solutions to some teenager's dire adolescent crisis.
He usually tries to forget the fact that the only reason he'd even gotten the job was because it needed no skill and was the only one he was qualified for. Most of the time he cheers himself up with the thought that the pros definitely outweigh the cons.
"Hey," Chanyeol says as he walks past his cubicle on the way to his desk, "I finished your coke stash by mistake... though I see you went through great pains to hide it." he winks and smiles abnormally wide. (Jongdae knows for a fact he is doing this on purpose.) A few colleagues sitting nearby are turning around to give him suspicious stares as Jongdae flails about trying to explain that Chanyeol was definitely referring to the red can filled with gas and too much sugar.
The pros definitely outweigh the cons.
Like how it's a monthly magazine he writes for, so other than the week leading up to publication where he survives on cheap instant coffee and tries to come up with different ways of phrasing the same kind of advice, he gets to chill around the office and take his time procrastinating on writing a bunch of words to fill up two pages of space.
Scavenge through the pantry in hope of finding new food sources, browse naver news, watch as his chrome session crashes because of too many naver tabs, you know, living the high life.
"Someone should really tell those poor kids that advice from a delusional old man is not something they should be listening to," Kyungsoo comments as he appears from absolutely nowhere and leans against the wall of his cubicle. Jongdae almost wants to brush him off, but decides it'll be a waste of effort so he gives up in favour of indignantly clearing this throat and correcting him incredulously, "I'm twenty-six,"
Kyungsoo isn't ruffled in the least, taking his time rifling through papers on his desk and picking up random bits and pieces before setting them down in completely different places, his eyes scanning the computer screen judgmentally. Jongdae suddenly feels very self-conscious and tries to subtly minimize the window.
"I would like to offer my genuine condolences to these, poor, poor, kids struggling with octet-life crises, imagine the kind of emotional trauma they'll go through if they find out the person always dishing out advice on how to deal with horrible period cramps and petty relationship fights isn't an auntie ann but in fact, a very lonely, old, uncle ann." Chanyeol nods towards where his word document was on the screen and snickers in the most disgusting manner as he rounds the corner to join them.
It takes all of Jongdae's self-restraint to not slap him, but he stops himself because he is very civilized and definitely not an uncultured crabby uncle who cannot control his violent tendencies.
So he opts to re-read the latest letter in the stack he's gotten over the week instead, from a certain "Lonely" who described yearning for a relationship and feeling lost because everyone else she knew was in one. Her letter is littered with repeated pleas for advice on how to get a boyfriend and how to sustain a relationship.
I cannot help you, Jongdae wants to say, I've been in maybe two relationships in my twenty-six years of life and one of them was with my DBSK poster. You're probably better off asking your grandma. But that just sounds extremely unhelpful so instead he writes a long reply detailing following your heart and maybe trying to find someone with shared interests, trying to sound as convincing as possible. His heart fights the cringe working its way up as each word of bullshit mocks him in the face, but he soldiers on, determined to get it done and over with.
"Oh, look!" Kyungsoo bends down in front of the screen and pushes his face obnoxiously into Jongdae's personal space.
"Just remember to follow your heart. Spend some time doing things that interest you or join a group with people of similar interests, fate has a funny way of working, who knows, maybe you'll find someone!! It takes a lot of understanding and trust to sustain a relationship, so remember to always stay calm and treat him with respect and love. Overall, even when things get difficult always trust the bond you have with each other, because love is a wonderful thing ^^"
Jongdae flinches as Kyungsoo physically demonstrates the emoticon as a cheesy, greasy, mess, and the screechy, high tone he uses is both grating and taunting. Past the sound of blood rushing to his cheeks in embarrassment he can hear Chanyeol cackling in the background.
"No, seriously, asking someone like you for relationship advice is the worst thing she can possibly do for herself." Kyungsoo regards the letter with something like a critical eye before shaking his head solemnly and casting it aside.
"Someone like me?" Jongdae repeats incredulously, his voice rising into an undignified squeak, "What do you even mean someone like me? What's wrong with being me? I like being me. I'm independent and mature."
"You're old and in dire need of a relationship, as well as self-acceptance." Kyungsoo pats his arm sagely and shakes his head, his tone providing no room for argument.
"I don't need a man -or a woman for that matter- I'm perfectly fine with my life the way it is," he says, voice rising and trying to sound more convinced, but Jongdae knows he's lost the battle (again) when Kyungsoo just shrugs and pushes himself off the table, sighing melodramatically as Chanyeol joins him in heading back to their corner, saying something about him being of marriageable age.
**
Chanyeol idly flips through another one of his stupid magazines from where he's leaning against Jongdae's cubicle wall, waiting for him to finish a letter before going for lunch. Jongdae wouldn't mind too much, actually, if not for the fact that Chanyeol is so damn loud, completely incapable of reading without rustling through every page and breathing heavily.
Jongdae recognizes the magazine he's holding too, with it's obnoxious attempts at profound imagery- unnecessary macro shots of everything and photos of the sky and the sea. It's the stupid magazine Chanyeol always uses to predict his-
"Ohmygod, Jongdae, listen to this!! Virgos are looking forward to a great year with loads of surprises. Whenever you think you're on the course for a particular goal, the signals switch and destiny takes you on entirely new tracks. Saturn is moving decisively towards a new region in your chart, encouraging success in all areas. Particularly romance, where new romantic encounters and partners beckon..." Chanyeol doesn't finish reading before he taps-hits- his cubicle wall repeatedly, excitedly thwacking the magazine against the surface.
Jongdae solemnly reaches a hand to steady his crooked magnetic calendar. The best way to tide this over is to ignore Chanyeol, as Kyungsoo demonstrates by stepping away and immersing himself in the task of rearranging Jongdae's wall magnets.
In the midst of dodging Chanyeol's repeated attempts at grabbing him physically, Sehun, assistant editor, rounds the corner. He's deceivingly polite and gestures in restrained movements as he heads towards their section, mumbling introductions to people on the way.
The soft scrunch of another pair of shoes on the carpeted floor carries over the tapping of computers and people greeting the newcomer, and Chanyeol stops the thumping to crane his neck towards the walkway in an attempt to catch a glimpse of the foreign addition.
The first time Jongdae sees Byun Baekhyun his heart skips a beat, and the tiny jolt sends a ridiculously happy feeling through him for absolutely no reason. He is independent and self-reliant and mature enough to survive on his own. He shouldn't be affected by pretty men with cute smiles.
But God, said man is directing that cute smile towards Sehun as he points out various offices and rooms on the level, nodding occasionally and letting out hums of acknowledgement. Jongdae is well aware that he negates all his previous claims of maturity and independence because he actually feels jealous looking at the way Sehun, of all people, is on the receiving end of that adorable gesture.
He makes a failed grab at the air for Chanyeol's magazine. The faux astrology readings may not be so faux after all.
The two finally stop in front of their three-man congregation, and Jongdae finds himself noticing all kinds of insignificant details, like how up front the height difference is impossibly obvious. That doesn't discount the fact that this Byun Baekhyun is very cute, though.
"Jongdae, Kyungsoo, Chanyeol, this is Baekhyun. He's joining the writing department for our website and magazine division," Sehun turns and gestures to the empty desk next to his as they exchange polite handshakes and Jongdae resists the urge to squeal, "And this will be your desk. Jongdae's a bit eccentric, but you'll get used to it sooner or later. And you all," he angles his head at the three of them, "better take good care of the newcomer. Don't scare him away, we're kinda short on manpower these days."
With a final pat on Baekhyun's shoulder, Sehun turns and heads back to his office. The next moment Jongdae hears Chanyeol say something like "You can probably tell, but I'm Chanyeol, swagmaster extraordinaire and the coolest one over here." in a tone that sounds way too dumb to be normal, and stick his hand out for a high five, eyes bright and smile too big.
Jongdae has a huge urge to push Chanyeol away and assure Baekhyun that they're not all that weird and Chanyeol is just an exception, but then he sees Baekhyun return the high five just as enthusiastically, and suddenly all he feels is deep regret. Why didn't he stick his hand out for a high five with the stranger he met thirty seconds ago.
"Hello, I'm Kyungsoo, and I'll be dragging "swagmaster extraordinaire" here away before he continues embarrassing himself- and us. We'll see you around." Jongdae watches as Kyungsoo somehow manages to manhandle Chanyeol across the aisle to their station, before turning back and mustering up what he hopes looks like a confident smile.
"Heyyy, you heard from Sehun, but the name's Jongdae," it doesn't sound as cool, or as natural, as he imagined in his head, and he flushes when Baekhyun laughs politely and nods. No high five. No bright laughter. Jongdae spots Kyungsoo side-eyeing him from across the office.
Over time Jongdae learns that Baekhyun is nothing short of polite, but that makes him even more uncomfortable because politeness means that there's distance between them. They exchange smiles every time they meet each other to and from the toilet or pantry or some other department, occasionally making small, meaningless, talk about the weather or the latest scandal that just rocked the nation, but that is it.
He feels vaguely upset that two weeks into his post, Baekhyun still addresses him with honourifics when he clearly pals around with Chanyeol, and despite his best efforts to put some form of closeness between them, whenever Baekhyun addresses him with a "ssi" tacked on at the end he cannot find it anywhere in himself to initiate conversation other than a shaky, pathetic "yea?"
It's been nearly a month, but the suave "We can drop the honourifics between us, Baekhyun," he's been planning to say since the day he first saw him die in his throat whenever the man comes within a five-metre radius of him, as does any courage he spends time summoning.
He'd never thought his life had been sad up till now, but then again, Byun Baekhyun hadn't been flitting in and out of his life until then.
**
One day in November, while Jongdae is struggling through (the very taxing process of) trying to make rubbish sound like wisdom, Baekhyun comes back from an interview with yet another idol group looking exceptionally happy, bopping slightly while walking and humming a tune he vaguely remembers having heard somewhere but cannot place. The smile on his face is too wide to miss, so content and happy that it almost hurts to see the difference in their moods.
He's itching to ask about the reason behind Baekhyun's good mood, but decides not to prod.
When the issue is printed a few days later Jongdae stops by the news stand near the bus-stop on his way to work to pick up a copy, briefly glancing at the cover page with Baekhyun's cover story headline splashed across. It's a 12 member boyband that recently had a comeback (with another ridiculous concept, Jongdae finds) and Baekhyun had been sent to interview them on it.
He thumbs through the pages until he reaches the spread with photos of faces airbrushed to perfection and flawless everything's. There are the usual headers and a few paragraphs of text, and he scans through them to find nothing out of the usual, ideal types, future hopes, comeback news, some mindless gossip and rumours. The cheesy anecdotes about bathing together that make fangirls squeal, touted as "confessions". Psh.
It's the kind of thing people might like to read about their favourite idol group, but he sees no indication as to the source of Baekhyun's happiness. He flips to his section and avoids cringing when the news stand owner looks over his shoulder and advises him not to waste time reading "bullshit to patronize little kids", before stuffing the magazine into his bag.
It's near the end of November when Jongdae spots Baekhyun speaking in a hushed whisper near the staircase landing on his way to the pantry. He knows it's not his place to ask, or even stop and eavesdrop, but the way Baekhyun is hunched over and whispering, even letting out a laugh occasionally, sparks something in him and he backtracks a safe distance to avoid being found.
From behind a wall he can hear most of Baekhyun's words clearly if he strains, and he feels his heart's gradual sink into the pits of his stomach as Baekhyun agrees on a rendezvous point and time, before whispering an I love you.
But what makes him almost drop his mug and risk being discovered is the name he hears Baekhyun utter right at the end, a name Jongdae distinctly remembers having seen just a while ago in a magazine. A name he hears on the news occasionally when he's bored and flips through the entertainment channels.
Zitao. Baekhyun just called the person on the line Zitao.
**
In restrospect the smiles and the happiness and the sudden long coffee breaks make sense, but Jongdae never saw it coming.
"He's dating that boybander ohgod Kyungsoo that's why he returned from that interview looking like he'd just swallowed a rainbow I think I might cry all my hopes are dashed I-"
"Don't call me in the middle of the night and blabber on about -what are you even blabbering on about?"
It takes ten minutes for Jongdae to form a coherent story and another ten before he stops whimpering and making self-pitying sobbing noises. He suddenly remembers seeing #reevaluate your life choices# trending on naver search terms once and starts to honestly feel that way with finding a friend in Kyungsoo.
"So you're telling me he's dating a boybander he was sent to interview?" Kyungsoo doesn't sound sympathetic at all.
"Yes," Jongdae wails pathetically into the phone, "I can't believe I didn't suspect it he started looking unusually happy and I should have known-"
"How did you even find this out? He told you? Even Chanyeol doesn't know about this." Kyungsoo turns suspicious and there is a lo of background noise as he moves to get up.
Jongdae stays silent, hurt and uncomfortable.
"Please don't tell me -were you- were you eavesdropping on them?" Jongdae doesn't respond and Kyungsoo takes that as a admission of guilt, sounding incredibly scandalized, "Oh god Jongdae, I can't believe a crush has made you risk getting arrested for, I don't even know, trespassing?"
"--Clearly, you wouldn't have made it as a law graduate. How is this trespassing?"
Kyungsoo ignores his remark and snorts, "You're obviously trespassing on their private conversation and space. There has to be some kind of law to punish people like that. I know I called you lonely and all but, honestly, lonely beats creepy any day. Look, I'm saying this because I had the misfortune of getting to know you and actually caring about you but. Don't. Do. Anything. Stupid," Jongdae is pretty sure he hears Kyungsoo screaming something like "Code Red, Code Red" to Chanyeol across the room.
"For the last time, I'm not trespassing, I'm just concerned. Maybe intrusion of privacy at worse, but what do I do? He has a boyfriend, and not just any boyfriend, it's a member of that- echo or something. I can't even compare!" Jongdae whines into the phone, not really caring that he sounds about three years old.
At that, Kyungsoo whistles on the other end of the line and says, almost smugly, "You finally admit to wanting him huh, after months of being painfully obvious and ineffectively trying to deny it. I'm actually really proud of you," -long pause- "BUT this doesn't change the fact that I do not endorse the usage of criminal means to achieve your aim. And yeah, tough competition there buddy, or almost no-competition, but you only have your lack of balls to blame. Too bad."
"You don't sound sympathetic at all."
"Criminals don't need sympathy."
"…."
"Oh, and Jongdae?"
"What."
"It's exo, they're like the hottest thing alive right now."
"Thanks, I needed that."
"No problem, always looking out for you."
**
December turns out to be a horrible month, mostly because Jongdae has to live with the secret of his crush's underground relationship while trying to go about daily life as usual. It worsens when one morning he gets to the office and finds nine missed calls -on hindsight it should have been a warning sign because nobody ever usually calls him- but he'd thought nothing of it when he came in to see seven from HQ, two from Sehun, and one from another extension number he doesn't recognize, all piling up since 7am in the morning.
The voicemails left all say something about having to meet the deputy director as soon as possible. Or rather, Sehun's one sounds like an incoherent mash of verbal abuse and static that he immediately regrets opening, "Get your ass to the deputy director's office, I'm about to be burnt on a stake, you little twerp. I swear to God, Jongdae, I'm never letting you send the drafts in without editing again, so you better have everything on my desk a week early from now on. Now go clean up the mess before I end you."
The message doesn't make much sense to him, but then again, Sehun doesn't make much sense most of the time, so he ignores it, passing it off as one of his mid-morning mood swings (which, from experience, are usually caused by Chanyeol's horrendous grammar).
They'd developed a system a long time ago where Jongdae would submit his portions directly to the printing department without them having to be edited since it benefited both of them. He'd have more time to cram in his work, and Sehun would have a lesser workload. It'd worked most of the time, too, because Auntie Ann letters required less facts and more opinions, less bombastic english and more sincere heartfelt advice from lovely auntie ann.
The voicemails from HQ make a lot more sense; what he assumes is the secretary's voice calmly, almost mechanically, telling him to report to the deputy director as soon as possible. Something about it being important.
He's not sure if it's just his imagination, but on his way to the elevator he notices everyone looking looking various degrees of sympathetic and pitying. He is slightly alarmed to find that even Kyungsoo glances up from his desk, looking, of all things, worried, because Kyungsoo has not looked worried since the day Chanyeol almost got arrested for obstructing traffic after getting drunk.
Jongdae has never been to the deputy director's office, but the moment the lift doors open he decides that he doesn't like it at all, and he makes it a goal to never come back. Unlike the haphazard mess that decorates the writing and editing floors, the executive floor looks way too much like an office, everything too in place and too proper.
That shouldn't be a problem, but it's the mess that makes his department comfortable, and all the organization on this floor feels rigid and intimidating.
He's ushered in by a receptionist who looks very entertained, as if watching a catfight on the streets as she expectantly watches him enter the large office. The way the door clicks shut, completely silent yet impossibly final and resounding at the same time, sends a stroke of fear down his spine and he flinches.
Deputy director Kim Minseok is as irritatingly prim and proper as the entire space, and the slightly annoyed grimace he wears on his face when Jongdae enters is both unsettling and frustrating at the same time.
"I expect you already know why you're here." He sounds almost dismissive as he looks from Jongdae to his computer screen, clicking away at it as if he has much more important things to do than waste his time talking to the employee who writes bullshit and passes it off as advice under a ridiculous moniker. Jongdae nearly bristles at his superior tone and for a moment his pride feels wounded, but he composes himself and straightens slightly in his seat.
Mature. Independent. Okay.
"No, actually, no I don't. Kindly enlighten me, Deputy director Kim." he knows he should be careful of which buttons he pushes because Kim Minseok looks like the type who does not take kindly to smart-alecky replies and prefers submissiveness. He's learnt from experience that it would be a grave mistake to provoke people who do not like to be questioned or have to repeat themselves, and one misstep could equal dire consequences, but Jongdae considers himself a master of subtle aggravation.
(Kyungsoo considers him a master of figurative suicide.)
"-Ah, okay, I believe you're aware of you job as our Auntie Ann over at Teen Girls," the way his eyebrows quirk up in amusement induces a sickening feeling of "oh shit." in the pit of Jongdae's stomach. Kim Minseok has obviously decided to humiliate him as petty revenge for being a smartass, "Or at least, I hope you're aware of your own job."
He kind of deserves it, should have known better than to try and outsmart someone who looks barely older and yet is at least 10 categories higher on the pay ladder, but it's too late for regrets and Jongdae is a strong believer in #yolo so he tries to manage a nonchalant nod and a "yeah."
"I have to say you seem to be pretty clueless about the present situation, Mr. Kim. Not that I expected much in the first place… but I guess I still gravely overestimated you," Jongdae thinks that Deputy Director Kim must have taken classes on being a successful asshole because he manages to make Jongdae feel absolutely useless in so little words.
"We've been receiving calls from distressed teens since our magazine hit news stands yesterday, our website traffic is jammed and so are all our phone lines, and there's been a 10% drop in magazine subscriptions just in a day. All because people think we're running a scam here and employing a freak to churn out Auntie Ann columns just for commercial and profit purposes."
Jongdae swallows uneasily. He's still not very sure where this is going, but from the scraps he's gathering his job seems to be in very serious jeopardy. Minseok observes his face silently, both smug and serious, before continuing.
"They're not necessarily wrong, you know, our priority isn't so much getting someone to solve their problems as ensuring a devoted readership and getting enough material for each issue, but they don't need to know that, and we've done pretty well this whole time."
Kim Minseok pauses for an unnecessarily long time, resting his gaze steadily, expectantly, accusingly on Jongdae, as if searching for some sort of facial cue to carry on. Jongdae shifts uncomfortably in his seat. He is somehow afraid of moving, of shattering the silence and the way time seems to have stopped, teetering precariously on the edge of a cliff.
"But. There are always but's, aren't there, the ones that completely screw up a perfect plan. And, very unfortunately, the but in this whole thing happens to be you." He heaves an exaggerated sigh, "I really don't see how I can help you. For completely screwing over our magazine with something as insignificant as an auntie ann letter." The way his voice is laced with slight disgust and how he states everything like an unimportant fact succeeds in making Jongdae's face burn, but somewhere along the way his processing machine must have broken down because nothing is really sinking in yet.
Jongdae realizes he must look as blank as he feels because the next moment Kim Minseok is tossing the latest issue over to him, the glossy cover of some entertainment company's latest 12 member boygroup wearing atrocious stage clothes (did they seriously print sparkly symbols of their group on their jackets?) reflecting the fluorescent lights into his face.
His fingers are numb as he flips through the coloured, pretty pages, until he spots his section, always somewhere near the back, squares of notebook paper against a polka dotted background, a huge heading that spells out Letters to Auntie in cursive, flowery font spread across the top. Everything looks as per normal and his tensed form is slowly relaxing until he zeroes in on the first rectangle, the font larger to match the size.
Jongdae is very sure his stomach drops and suddenly his face feels hot as his eyes trace over every word and they start to make sense.
Dearest Sadgirl,
I know how it feels to be lonely, because I am, too. I've been a bachelor for all twenty-six years of my life, and it sucks, everyone's pairing off and I'm still ticking "single" on the marital status section of every form I fill up. I really have no advice for this problem, none of the bullshit i usually spout actually works because haha, guess who's still a lonely old man, in the words of Kyungsoo, that asshole. It's true though. I'm as lonely as you sound and honestly it's probably fate that it's this way and there's nothing we can do to change it. Some things are just not meant to be, I guess. Nothing I say will change anything, so well, too bad?? Good luck trying to find a bright side in this.
Jongdae finds himself speechless, not only because of the glaring error but the embarrassment of having posted something like that up for the entire world to see. How on earth he had sent his angsty screw-my-life draft he has no idea, but the how's do not matter as much as the what's right now because Deputy Director Kim is waiting for answers.
Answers that he's pretty sure he doesn't have either.
Jongdae is very sure the letter he'd meant to send said something about letting nature take its course and going out to meet more people at social events, or even joining a (safe) dating site. Something about paying more attention to see if people around her seem to care for her especially, something that was supposed to signal "I'm here for you, I'll help you." and not "I'm in this with you, I need help too."
In fact, he's pretty sure he deleted that file, dragged it to trash immediately after he finished dumping his emotions and rants into the document as some form of emotional therapy.
But no, apparently he didn't.
He curses himself under his breath, silently wishing that when he blinks he will realize this is all a elaborate prank and that he didn't actually just bare his soul to the entire country.
No such luck. Jongdae cringes inwardly as he imagines the reactions of every reader, the way they must have laughed when they realized an awkward guy had been masquerading as Auntie Ann the entire time. The way they might have shuddered in disgust at how pathetic he was.
"Sadly, Mr. Kim, our magazine is not a platform for you to showcase your inner Shakespeare. And while we do not discourage our employees from personal feelings that they are completely entitled to have, we would prefer that you do not publish these for everyone to read and potentially jeopardize the business. Most of our audience are in a rather tender, sensitive, period of their lives. They need advice, not someone as hopeless as they are."
Jongdae sits rigidly, his shoulders tense as the information sinks as fast as his stomach.
"However, we've decided to give you the benefit of doubt, and assume that it was an honest mistake this time round. So all you have to do is write a clarification column in the next issue, and we'll be giving you a minimum wage for a while. I'll advise you to be a lot more careful in the future though, and maybe get your drafts to the editor."
Minseok says some more bullshit about compensating their losses, something about a probation, but Jongdae isn't listening anymore. Damn it, he needs advice and he needs someone to tell him it's okay, not some corporate asshole trying to shove him under the bus.
That person is obviously not Minseok as he clasps his hands and says brusquely, "Well then, that is all, I have another one coming in soon, problematic idiots, so you best be going off on your way, and start penning that column, yeah?" He nods towards the door and Jongdae takes that as his cue to stand up, bow half-heartedly, and exit himself.
The receptionist outside looks almost disappointed that a massive fight hadn't broken out when Jongdae emerges from the room unscathed and just looking very, very, depressed. He spends all his time staring at the ground that he misses the other person sitting in the office, anxious and jittery as he waits for his turn for a meeting.
He goes back to an influx of over five hundred emails in his inbox, all detailing hurt, pain, and betrayal in some form of another. There are a few calling him a conman and even more highlighting their shock at seeing "bachelor" in the letter.
"Stop looking at your feet or the ground, oh god, you've been doing that since you came back down. Do you even know how many people you've knocked into?" Kyungsoo states incredulously in the elevator after lunch. He tries again after getting no response, and Jongdae almost appreciates the great amount of effort he's putting into sounding uncharacteristically caring and worried, "Come on, it's not like the world just ended so stop acting like it. What's a three month pay reduction? --Okay, that actually really sucks, but it'll all be fine after that, I can almost promise you that, so please, please stop acting like a depressed old man, it's actually scary when you don't jump up and start long-winded explanations about being twenty-three."
Jongdae wants to jump up right then and shake Kyungsoo repeatedly, scream into his face that the pay reduction isn't what he's "acting like a depressed old man" about, and that it's the fact that his pathetic vent was published that makes him want to faceplant into the ground, but he doesn't have the energy, so he leaves it at that.
It's only when they get back to the office that he realizes that Baekhyun's desk is empty, and he hasn't seen him since he came in in the morning.
"Where'd he go?"
"Wow, you're really out of it, aren't you. Baekhyun's been gone since forever and for once, you just noticed." Chanyeol remarks in genuine wonder and Jongdae is pretty sure some part of him flushes further.
Kyungsoo and Chanyeol give him another worried glance before muttering a "If you need us we'll be at our desks." and disappearing down the walkway.
Baekhyun returns nearly an hour later looking worn out and disheveled, settling straight back into his chair without any of the usual courteous greetings or smiles. Jongdae decides not to question it, because people who are grieving need space. Like him.
Time seems to pass extremely fast when you're brooding, because the next thing he realizes its evening, the pale blue of the sky gradually darkening through the windows off at the far end. It should be alarming that dinner time has come and gone and Jongdae isn't hungry, but he'd never imagined it'll hurt as much to know he somehow had the ability to screw up something with such an irrelevant mistake. He leaves right after the clock strikes seven, hurtling past all the questioning glances and out of the office before anyone can stop and ask him anything.
He just really wants to be alone. In a ditch. Crying as drain water washes over and hopefully drowns him.
Somehow or another, Jongdae ends up at a cheap beer and chicken place further down the street from his office. It's greasy and loud and badly ventilated, but it's also sort of the only place nearby he can afford, especially with his fresh new pay cut. He orders a tub of oily chicken and a lot of beer -some "lonelyhearts" package deal they had and proceeds to drown himself in badly fried chicken and poor quality beer.
Jongdae's vaguely alarmed that at what he estimates is eight o'clock, Baekhyun walks through the door of the exact same place, of all the cheap restaurants he could be at, and Jongdae would have ran straight out if he hadn't just had six bottles of soju and was completely incapably of walking straight.
The last thing he is lucid enough to actually remember is Baekhyun ordering a inhumane amount of chicken and equally as much beer before settling into a seat two tables away.
**
Everything's mostly a blur when he wakes up, bits and pieces of the dream forgotten and scattered, and by then his memories are a weird mishmash of what actually happened and what he dreamt up. Jongdae's not too sure where real life ended or where the dream started.
He looks around to find himself back at home, collapsed ungracefully on the sofa, horribly hung over but otherwise fine. It's late afternoon, which means he's pretty much screwed because today is a workday and however little work he actually does in the office, he has to turn up. Jongdae only hopes Kyungsoo has enough loyalty to cover for him.
He also wakes up to a ring on his ring finger that was never there before.
…God. Life has to be playing a joke on him, except this isn't funny.
Jongdae feels his phone on his stomach and unlocks it to see, with horror, a text to an unknown number raging in incoherent words that he deciphers to mean that he's not into a job anymore and he's not the one being fired, he's firing them because he's definitely //not// in need of money. It's an unknown number, but there's a reply that says a dull "okay, meet me in my office to settle the paperwork." signed off with a Kim Minseok, Deputy director, Awoo INC.
He pauses for a moment, mid-panic, to stare at the incredulity of someone actually signing off on his texts, blinking twice just to reaffirm it isn't a dream. But it's real life and he somehow managed to send a drunk text to his uptight boss peppered with all kinds of inappropriate words, so instead Jongdae runs into the bathroom to try and look less like he'd spent the night in a club and more appropriately apologetic. The confusion will have to wait.
He is a joke.
He runs back to the office and takes the lift to the floor he made a personal oath never to step foot on again, barging right past the receptionist at 5pm in the afternoon into the office. Kim Minseok is alone, shuffling through paperwork before he looks up and sees him, panting and sweating. Jongdae is almost certain the air on this floor is especially stale, because there is something distinctly frightening and suffocating about it nagging at his bones.
Kim Minseok appraises him judgementally before raising an eyebrow, slowly, patronizingly. He doesn't look very surprised when Jongdae gestures awkwardly at his phone and back at himself, sputtering half-coherent words, only replying with a tinge of mockery, "Oh! Mr. Kim, here to settle the papers? I was waiting for you, actually. There wasn't a number, but I figured it could only be you. Writing style and all. So Angsty."
Jongdae is very sure he might regret it someday, but he gives up all his dignity and pride and begs Kim Minseok to give him the job and ignore the drunken text because no, he definitely does need the money.
Half an hour of grovelling later he exits the office, wincing with instant regret but job thankfully intact. He tries his hardest to forget Kim Minseok's annoyingly amused face, because he fits completely under the cateogry of people who Do Not Matter. He reminds himself that sometimes, you have to make sacrifices for the Greater Good.
He also tries his hardest to remember what happened the night before, but the more he recalls, or thinks he recalls, because part of that had to be a dream, the more nauseous he feels.
**
Baekhyun stumbles out of bed, his head pounding and clothes crumpled. He hasn't changed out from last night and the sickening smell of liquor occupying every inch of his room makes the throb in his right temple hurt even more. All he wants is to climb back into bed and sleep the hangover off, but a small part of his mind suddenly becomes sober and he realizes it's Tuesday and he's very late.
Like you-don't-even-need-to-try-anymore late. It's five in the afternoon.
The living room is a mess when he gets there, clothes and items that he'd spend time and effort painstakingly organizing and stowing away in storage boxes spewed everywhere. He can't remember what happened while he was drunk but he's already starting to regret everything, with the bloatedness in his stomach and the acidic aftertaste left in his mouth.
Baekhyun looks around his living hall before picking up a pair of underwear -someone else's- from a small pile of clothes and scrutinizing it. He can't tell if it's clean and throws it back on the ground. There are entire boxes of stuff that he has never seen before in the mess.
It's almost like someone had a party in his house last night. And didn't even bother cleaning up. Rude.
There is a stack of badly developed, shakily focused polaroids tossed on the coffee table, and he bends down to look at them in the hopes of hunting down the perpetrator.
Oh. That someone is him. Shit.
His drunk face stares back at him, eyelids closed and smiling sleepily at the camera, face flushed and a pair of underwear on his head. He runs a hand through his hair and wipes it on his pants.
Baekhyun weaves through the piles of rubbish and trash, trying to avoid stepping on anything of possible importance, when he steps on a laminated piece of paper and almost slips and falls to his death. There are names printed on lines and messy signatures -one of which look suspiciously like his- and a government-looking symbol embossed at the top.
Baekhyun doesn't remember ever having signed a certificate like that, so he crouches down to pick it up before the words printed at the top come into focus and he makes out Registry of Marriage, shiny and formal and very real. His breath catches and something lodges uncomfortably in his throat.
The next second his name -and Jongdae's- catches his eye, both their signatures scribbled on the line for new spouses, and Baekhyun almost chokes on his own saliva.
He starts hacking as his eyes take in all the other details, the signatures and names of witnesses etched into the paper. Today's date. The registrar's stamp. He's legally married. To a guy he's colleagues with.
"-What?" Baekhyun blinks the sleep out of his eyes and his head doesn't even hurt anymore, the pain becoming secondary to the confusion and escalating fear coursing through every vein in his body. He remembers this feeling, like that time he'd gone to school in pajamas thinking it was pj day only to see everyone in uniform. Like he'd been a part of something completely humiliating but was the only one not in the know.
His phone rings just then, breaking the silence almost painfully, and one glance at the screen shows it's Zitao. Fear seizes him and somewhere within his body he feels his heart plummeting down -he hasn't even thought of Zitao. His chest feels numb but the sinking feeling continues as the jittery feeling escalates. Maybe Zitao already knows.
He realizes he's trembling when he reaches out to press answer. It takes every bit of resolve and determination to remain composed and deal with things one at a time, but his voice betrays everything he's feeling the moment he opens his mouth. When the line goes through Zitao sounds urgent and hurried, asking, "Baekhyun! Baekhyun, are you there? I've gotten news of-"
Baekhyun doesn't let him finish, the guilt and fear eating away at him before he bursts out, voice cracking, "I'm so sorry Zitao. I got mad when you said you didn't want to go public and it was inconsiderate of me I know, I was too immature to think and didn't even think of your side of it- I-I got drunk and I swear- please please please believe me- getting married with a colleague was accidental. You probably think this sounds completely ridiculous because it does but it's true and I'm scared too, I don't even remember how this happened and now I'm married oh god, Zitao what should I do now?"
The line is silent, the only indication of Zitao not hanging up in anger is the heavy breathing on the other end. Baekhyun supposes he must be mad, because who calls to hear their boyfriend's gotten married to some other guy, apparently with no knowledge of how it happened?
But even the entire chain of surreal events doesn't prepare him for what Zitao says next.
"Oh Thank God!" Zitao breathes out, voice trembling with relief and happiness, "This has to be fate." Baekhyun is confused, unable to comprehend both the lack of any anger nor the presence of happiness. Then Zitao drops the bomb.
"Just stay married. Please. I'm begging you. Since it's already happened, it's just as well. They're beginning to suspect and a dating scandal could wreck my entire career right now because I'm selling the image of a single hot bachelor. Please, I know you'll understand. Do this for me?"
Baekhyun leans back, sinking onto the heels of his feet before flopping onto the floor. Every piece of information is too much for his hangover-incuded state, and he tries to let it all gradually sink in.
"Baek? You still there?" Zitao's voice comes over the line, sounding rushed once again.
Baekhyun doesn't answer, doesn't even understand fully yet, but he knows he doesn't need to because both of them know he will agree.
**
"So you're telling me you witnessed our marriage? My marriage with a guy who calls me Jongdae-ssi?"
"Ah, so polite of him. But to answer your question, yup." Kyungsoo has the nerve to continue stirring his cup of coffee slowly.
"Are you serious?" Jongdae screeches into his face, trying hard to remain some semblance of stability or calm. It's not very successful.
"Why not? Weren't you the one dying to get together with him?" Kyungsoo says it so nonchalantly that Jongdae wants to punch him. Really hard.
"Are you dense. Not this way! He'll think I'm weird. He probably already thinks so. How do I face the world now?" Jongdae isn't sure if he's supposed to be exasperated or annoyed anymore; his head hurts and the copious amounts of chicken he'd apparently inhaled yesterday are coming back to haunt him, rising from the bile-filled pits of acidic hell, "I can't believe you, why are we even friends??"
"To be fair, I couldn't believe it either when I got called up at 7am to witness a marriage, just because I was number one on speed dial on some drunken idiot's mobile phone. So hmm, why are we friends, Jongdae? Why."
"You could at least have stopped me."
"Believe me, I tried."
Jongdae buries his face into his hands, willing for him to wake up and realize that this is just a continuation of his very surreal dream sequence. He lifts his face and Kyungsoo is still looking at him like he hadn't just gone and gotten married to the most perfect guy ever who just so happens to be completely uninterested in him.
Chanyeol walks by just then, handing over a huge heart-shaped pillow with "Congrats on your marriage!" embroided on it. It looks suspiciously like he'd just dug it out of the storeroom at home.
"I was pretty doubtful in the morning, but aw, you two were so cute, adamant even when drunk."
Jongdae shoots Chanyeol a glare.
"Anyway, it's a blessing in disguise. I know how you've been pining for Baek-" Jongdae glares again, "-to no apparent avail, so I was thinking of doing something to boost your love. The Astronomer said virgos should seize today to make vital improvements in their relationships. But since you're too passive aggressive to actually do anything, I'm even going to do it for you. Can I?"
"You're actually asking for permission this time? As long as it isn't anything ridiculously stupid- actually no, no don't do anything-" Jongdae warns him, pointedly ignoring the hurt pout Chanyeol is trying to emulate.
"Too late, I've already done it. Anyway, fret not, it just involves a lock, a pen, and a key I threw into the distance."
Jongdae stifles an exasperated sigh, but it doesn't exactly sound as alarming as expected and the words don't raise any red flags, so he lets it go.
"Well. That's a weird combination, but I guess it can't be that bad." Jongdae comments, but Chanyeol makes no effort to elaborate, and Jongdae decides those things can't be too harmful. Chanyeol just has a penchant for believing too much in (dubious) symbolical, spiritual magazines.
There is an uncomfortable cough from the side, and they turn to see Baekhyun standing against the cubicle wall, shirt rumpled and face weary and pale. Jongdae guesses he'd probably already spent the morning expelling the toxic chicken, but his very presence is making him feel nauseous and weak all over again.
"Uh, Jongdae? I think we need to talk." Baekhyun avoids eye contact, nervously clearing non-existent phlegm from his throat as he shifts in place. He throws a very awkward glance at Kyungsoo, and Jongdae's not sure if it's because he feels embarrassed Kyungsoo was witness to such an event, or if he's embarrassed to be broaching the subject at all.
**
"I need to clarify something."
"If it's how we ended up married, I kind of have an idea, but at the same time I kind of don't."
"No, actually, other than the obvious, it's that-"
"Oh." Realization hits him like a clump of soggy sand as the finer details of last night realign with Baekhyun's miserable face.
"Zitao, right? The kid from that idol group. The one who waves a stick around occasionally on television and then accidentally hits himself. 183cm? Scared of bugs? Can't shower alone? Yeah, I've heard of him --Briefly."
"Wha-" Baekhyun seems to be at a loss of words, his mouth opening and closing very unattractively. Jongdae finds it cute, though. Itt's probably why Kyungsoo always advises him, very kindly, to get some help.
He sees the how did you know written plainly on Baekhyun's face, and so before the pause gets more awkward and he accidentally outs himself, Jongdae fumbles for something to say.
"Oh, haha," he lets out the most stunted laugh ever and uncomfortably makes it sound like a cough, "News travels fast around here. I have absolutely no idea how anyone got wind of it but, yeah, haha, heard it somewhere. This office is full of nosy people. But it's not like anyone's sure so you can totally relax, it's all just rumours along the gravepine, yeah,"
Baekhyun mouths a small oh before turning back to the ground, looking confused, but thankfully not suspicious. He seems to have difficulty putting anything into words, his brow furrowing and looking deep in thought.
"I know what you're going to say. Somehow we have a legal certificate now so hey! we're married! That's great- I mean, that's completely ridiculous, so we can go back to the registry right after, it's gonna be pretty awkward, but, well, it would be stupid to stay ma-"
"Let's stay married."
1 | 2
Rating: PG-13
Side pairing/s: minor baektao
Word Count: 18.9k words
Summary: In the wise words of Kyungsoo, "It's the 21st century. Wake up. He's not going to like you just because you went and got your ass hitched while drunk." That doesn't stop Jongdae from hoping though.
somewhat (attempted-not-really) drunken to love you! au
Warning/s: a lot of (bad) exo meta references, brief mentions of fixed gender roles? (ie. a guy can't write auntie ann columns)
Notes: actually 19k of rushed rubbish i m sorry (longer a/n at the end)
Being the anonymous auntie ann columnist in a gossip magazine only teens and the Very Bored read isn't the most lucrative job in the world, by anyone's standards. In fact, Jongdae hasn't been able to find any other word to describe it other than sad -number of magazine subscriptions be damned- purely because absolutely no skill is needed to pen chunks of text describing unlikely solutions to some teenager's dire adolescent crisis.
He usually tries to forget the fact that the only reason he'd even gotten the job was because it needed no skill and was the only one he was qualified for. Most of the time he cheers himself up with the thought that the pros definitely outweigh the cons.
"Hey," Chanyeol says as he walks past his cubicle on the way to his desk, "I finished your coke stash by mistake... though I see you went through great pains to hide it." he winks and smiles abnormally wide. (Jongdae knows for a fact he is doing this on purpose.) A few colleagues sitting nearby are turning around to give him suspicious stares as Jongdae flails about trying to explain that Chanyeol was definitely referring to the red can filled with gas and too much sugar.
The pros definitely outweigh the cons.
Like how it's a monthly magazine he writes for, so other than the week leading up to publication where he survives on cheap instant coffee and tries to come up with different ways of phrasing the same kind of advice, he gets to chill around the office and take his time procrastinating on writing a bunch of words to fill up two pages of space.
Scavenge through the pantry in hope of finding new food sources, browse naver news, watch as his chrome session crashes because of too many naver tabs, you know, living the high life.
"Someone should really tell those poor kids that advice from a delusional old man is not something they should be listening to," Kyungsoo comments as he appears from absolutely nowhere and leans against the wall of his cubicle. Jongdae almost wants to brush him off, but decides it'll be a waste of effort so he gives up in favour of indignantly clearing this throat and correcting him incredulously, "I'm twenty-six,"
Kyungsoo isn't ruffled in the least, taking his time rifling through papers on his desk and picking up random bits and pieces before setting them down in completely different places, his eyes scanning the computer screen judgmentally. Jongdae suddenly feels very self-conscious and tries to subtly minimize the window.
"I would like to offer my genuine condolences to these, poor, poor, kids struggling with octet-life crises, imagine the kind of emotional trauma they'll go through if they find out the person always dishing out advice on how to deal with horrible period cramps and petty relationship fights isn't an auntie ann but in fact, a very lonely, old, uncle ann." Chanyeol nods towards where his word document was on the screen and snickers in the most disgusting manner as he rounds the corner to join them.
It takes all of Jongdae's self-restraint to not slap him, but he stops himself because he is very civilized and definitely not an uncultured crabby uncle who cannot control his violent tendencies.
So he opts to re-read the latest letter in the stack he's gotten over the week instead, from a certain "Lonely" who described yearning for a relationship and feeling lost because everyone else she knew was in one. Her letter is littered with repeated pleas for advice on how to get a boyfriend and how to sustain a relationship.
I cannot help you, Jongdae wants to say, I've been in maybe two relationships in my twenty-six years of life and one of them was with my DBSK poster. You're probably better off asking your grandma. But that just sounds extremely unhelpful so instead he writes a long reply detailing following your heart and maybe trying to find someone with shared interests, trying to sound as convincing as possible. His heart fights the cringe working its way up as each word of bullshit mocks him in the face, but he soldiers on, determined to get it done and over with.
"Oh, look!" Kyungsoo bends down in front of the screen and pushes his face obnoxiously into Jongdae's personal space.
"Just remember to follow your heart. Spend some time doing things that interest you or join a group with people of similar interests, fate has a funny way of working, who knows, maybe you'll find someone!! It takes a lot of understanding and trust to sustain a relationship, so remember to always stay calm and treat him with respect and love. Overall, even when things get difficult always trust the bond you have with each other, because love is a wonderful thing ^^"
Jongdae flinches as Kyungsoo physically demonstrates the emoticon as a cheesy, greasy, mess, and the screechy, high tone he uses is both grating and taunting. Past the sound of blood rushing to his cheeks in embarrassment he can hear Chanyeol cackling in the background.
"No, seriously, asking someone like you for relationship advice is the worst thing she can possibly do for herself." Kyungsoo regards the letter with something like a critical eye before shaking his head solemnly and casting it aside.
"Someone like me?" Jongdae repeats incredulously, his voice rising into an undignified squeak, "What do you even mean someone like me? What's wrong with being me? I like being me. I'm independent and mature."
"You're old and in dire need of a relationship, as well as self-acceptance." Kyungsoo pats his arm sagely and shakes his head, his tone providing no room for argument.
"I don't need a man -or a woman for that matter- I'm perfectly fine with my life the way it is," he says, voice rising and trying to sound more convinced, but Jongdae knows he's lost the battle (again) when Kyungsoo just shrugs and pushes himself off the table, sighing melodramatically as Chanyeol joins him in heading back to their corner, saying something about him being of marriageable age.
**
Chanyeol idly flips through another one of his stupid magazines from where he's leaning against Jongdae's cubicle wall, waiting for him to finish a letter before going for lunch. Jongdae wouldn't mind too much, actually, if not for the fact that Chanyeol is so damn loud, completely incapable of reading without rustling through every page and breathing heavily.
Jongdae recognizes the magazine he's holding too, with it's obnoxious attempts at profound imagery- unnecessary macro shots of everything and photos of the sky and the sea. It's the stupid magazine Chanyeol always uses to predict his-
"Ohmygod, Jongdae, listen to this!! Virgos are looking forward to a great year with loads of surprises. Whenever you think you're on the course for a particular goal, the signals switch and destiny takes you on entirely new tracks. Saturn is moving decisively towards a new region in your chart, encouraging success in all areas. Particularly romance, where new romantic encounters and partners beckon..." Chanyeol doesn't finish reading before he taps-hits- his cubicle wall repeatedly, excitedly thwacking the magazine against the surface.
Jongdae solemnly reaches a hand to steady his crooked magnetic calendar. The best way to tide this over is to ignore Chanyeol, as Kyungsoo demonstrates by stepping away and immersing himself in the task of rearranging Jongdae's wall magnets.
In the midst of dodging Chanyeol's repeated attempts at grabbing him physically, Sehun, assistant editor, rounds the corner. He's deceivingly polite and gestures in restrained movements as he heads towards their section, mumbling introductions to people on the way.
The soft scrunch of another pair of shoes on the carpeted floor carries over the tapping of computers and people greeting the newcomer, and Chanyeol stops the thumping to crane his neck towards the walkway in an attempt to catch a glimpse of the foreign addition.
The first time Jongdae sees Byun Baekhyun his heart skips a beat, and the tiny jolt sends a ridiculously happy feeling through him for absolutely no reason. He is independent and self-reliant and mature enough to survive on his own. He shouldn't be affected by pretty men with cute smiles.
But God, said man is directing that cute smile towards Sehun as he points out various offices and rooms on the level, nodding occasionally and letting out hums of acknowledgement. Jongdae is well aware that he negates all his previous claims of maturity and independence because he actually feels jealous looking at the way Sehun, of all people, is on the receiving end of that adorable gesture.
He makes a failed grab at the air for Chanyeol's magazine. The faux astrology readings may not be so faux after all.
The two finally stop in front of their three-man congregation, and Jongdae finds himself noticing all kinds of insignificant details, like how up front the height difference is impossibly obvious. That doesn't discount the fact that this Byun Baekhyun is very cute, though.
"Jongdae, Kyungsoo, Chanyeol, this is Baekhyun. He's joining the writing department for our website and magazine division," Sehun turns and gestures to the empty desk next to his as they exchange polite handshakes and Jongdae resists the urge to squeal, "And this will be your desk. Jongdae's a bit eccentric, but you'll get used to it sooner or later. And you all," he angles his head at the three of them, "better take good care of the newcomer. Don't scare him away, we're kinda short on manpower these days."
With a final pat on Baekhyun's shoulder, Sehun turns and heads back to his office. The next moment Jongdae hears Chanyeol say something like "You can probably tell, but I'm Chanyeol, swagmaster extraordinaire and the coolest one over here." in a tone that sounds way too dumb to be normal, and stick his hand out for a high five, eyes bright and smile too big.
Jongdae has a huge urge to push Chanyeol away and assure Baekhyun that they're not all that weird and Chanyeol is just an exception, but then he sees Baekhyun return the high five just as enthusiastically, and suddenly all he feels is deep regret. Why didn't he stick his hand out for a high five with the stranger he met thirty seconds ago.
"Hello, I'm Kyungsoo, and I'll be dragging "swagmaster extraordinaire" here away before he continues embarrassing himself- and us. We'll see you around." Jongdae watches as Kyungsoo somehow manages to manhandle Chanyeol across the aisle to their station, before turning back and mustering up what he hopes looks like a confident smile.
"Heyyy, you heard from Sehun, but the name's Jongdae," it doesn't sound as cool, or as natural, as he imagined in his head, and he flushes when Baekhyun laughs politely and nods. No high five. No bright laughter. Jongdae spots Kyungsoo side-eyeing him from across the office.
Over time Jongdae learns that Baekhyun is nothing short of polite, but that makes him even more uncomfortable because politeness means that there's distance between them. They exchange smiles every time they meet each other to and from the toilet or pantry or some other department, occasionally making small, meaningless, talk about the weather or the latest scandal that just rocked the nation, but that is it.
He feels vaguely upset that two weeks into his post, Baekhyun still addresses him with honourifics when he clearly pals around with Chanyeol, and despite his best efforts to put some form of closeness between them, whenever Baekhyun addresses him with a "ssi" tacked on at the end he cannot find it anywhere in himself to initiate conversation other than a shaky, pathetic "yea?"
It's been nearly a month, but the suave "We can drop the honourifics between us, Baekhyun," he's been planning to say since the day he first saw him die in his throat whenever the man comes within a five-metre radius of him, as does any courage he spends time summoning.
He'd never thought his life had been sad up till now, but then again, Byun Baekhyun hadn't been flitting in and out of his life until then.
**
One day in November, while Jongdae is struggling through (the very taxing process of) trying to make rubbish sound like wisdom, Baekhyun comes back from an interview with yet another idol group looking exceptionally happy, bopping slightly while walking and humming a tune he vaguely remembers having heard somewhere but cannot place. The smile on his face is too wide to miss, so content and happy that it almost hurts to see the difference in their moods.
He's itching to ask about the reason behind Baekhyun's good mood, but decides not to prod.
When the issue is printed a few days later Jongdae stops by the news stand near the bus-stop on his way to work to pick up a copy, briefly glancing at the cover page with Baekhyun's cover story headline splashed across. It's a 12 member boyband that recently had a comeback (with another ridiculous concept, Jongdae finds) and Baekhyun had been sent to interview them on it.
He thumbs through the pages until he reaches the spread with photos of faces airbrushed to perfection and flawless everything's. There are the usual headers and a few paragraphs of text, and he scans through them to find nothing out of the usual, ideal types, future hopes, comeback news, some mindless gossip and rumours. The cheesy anecdotes about bathing together that make fangirls squeal, touted as "confessions". Psh.
It's the kind of thing people might like to read about their favourite idol group, but he sees no indication as to the source of Baekhyun's happiness. He flips to his section and avoids cringing when the news stand owner looks over his shoulder and advises him not to waste time reading "bullshit to patronize little kids", before stuffing the magazine into his bag.
It's near the end of November when Jongdae spots Baekhyun speaking in a hushed whisper near the staircase landing on his way to the pantry. He knows it's not his place to ask, or even stop and eavesdrop, but the way Baekhyun is hunched over and whispering, even letting out a laugh occasionally, sparks something in him and he backtracks a safe distance to avoid being found.
From behind a wall he can hear most of Baekhyun's words clearly if he strains, and he feels his heart's gradual sink into the pits of his stomach as Baekhyun agrees on a rendezvous point and time, before whispering an I love you.
But what makes him almost drop his mug and risk being discovered is the name he hears Baekhyun utter right at the end, a name Jongdae distinctly remembers having seen just a while ago in a magazine. A name he hears on the news occasionally when he's bored and flips through the entertainment channels.
Zitao. Baekhyun just called the person on the line Zitao.
**
In restrospect the smiles and the happiness and the sudden long coffee breaks make sense, but Jongdae never saw it coming.
"He's dating that boybander ohgod Kyungsoo that's why he returned from that interview looking like he'd just swallowed a rainbow I think I might cry all my hopes are dashed I-"
"Don't call me in the middle of the night and blabber on about -what are you even blabbering on about?"
It takes ten minutes for Jongdae to form a coherent story and another ten before he stops whimpering and making self-pitying sobbing noises. He suddenly remembers seeing #reevaluate your life choices# trending on naver search terms once and starts to honestly feel that way with finding a friend in Kyungsoo.
"So you're telling me he's dating a boybander he was sent to interview?" Kyungsoo doesn't sound sympathetic at all.
"Yes," Jongdae wails pathetically into the phone, "I can't believe I didn't suspect it he started looking unusually happy and I should have known-"
"How did you even find this out? He told you? Even Chanyeol doesn't know about this." Kyungsoo turns suspicious and there is a lo of background noise as he moves to get up.
Jongdae stays silent, hurt and uncomfortable.
"Please don't tell me -were you- were you eavesdropping on them?" Jongdae doesn't respond and Kyungsoo takes that as a admission of guilt, sounding incredibly scandalized, "Oh god Jongdae, I can't believe a crush has made you risk getting arrested for, I don't even know, trespassing?"
"--Clearly, you wouldn't have made it as a law graduate. How is this trespassing?"
Kyungsoo ignores his remark and snorts, "You're obviously trespassing on their private conversation and space. There has to be some kind of law to punish people like that. I know I called you lonely and all but, honestly, lonely beats creepy any day. Look, I'm saying this because I had the misfortune of getting to know you and actually caring about you but. Don't. Do. Anything. Stupid," Jongdae is pretty sure he hears Kyungsoo screaming something like "Code Red, Code Red" to Chanyeol across the room.
"For the last time, I'm not trespassing, I'm just concerned. Maybe intrusion of privacy at worse, but what do I do? He has a boyfriend, and not just any boyfriend, it's a member of that- echo or something. I can't even compare!" Jongdae whines into the phone, not really caring that he sounds about three years old.
At that, Kyungsoo whistles on the other end of the line and says, almost smugly, "You finally admit to wanting him huh, after months of being painfully obvious and ineffectively trying to deny it. I'm actually really proud of you," -long pause- "BUT this doesn't change the fact that I do not endorse the usage of criminal means to achieve your aim. And yeah, tough competition there buddy, or almost no-competition, but you only have your lack of balls to blame. Too bad."
"You don't sound sympathetic at all."
"Criminals don't need sympathy."
"…."
"Oh, and Jongdae?"
"What."
"It's exo, they're like the hottest thing alive right now."
"Thanks, I needed that."
"No problem, always looking out for you."
**
December turns out to be a horrible month, mostly because Jongdae has to live with the secret of his crush's underground relationship while trying to go about daily life as usual. It worsens when one morning he gets to the office and finds nine missed calls -on hindsight it should have been a warning sign because nobody ever usually calls him- but he'd thought nothing of it when he came in to see seven from HQ, two from Sehun, and one from another extension number he doesn't recognize, all piling up since 7am in the morning.
The voicemails left all say something about having to meet the deputy director as soon as possible. Or rather, Sehun's one sounds like an incoherent mash of verbal abuse and static that he immediately regrets opening, "Get your ass to the deputy director's office, I'm about to be burnt on a stake, you little twerp. I swear to God, Jongdae, I'm never letting you send the drafts in without editing again, so you better have everything on my desk a week early from now on. Now go clean up the mess before I end you."
The message doesn't make much sense to him, but then again, Sehun doesn't make much sense most of the time, so he ignores it, passing it off as one of his mid-morning mood swings (which, from experience, are usually caused by Chanyeol's horrendous grammar).
They'd developed a system a long time ago where Jongdae would submit his portions directly to the printing department without them having to be edited since it benefited both of them. He'd have more time to cram in his work, and Sehun would have a lesser workload. It'd worked most of the time, too, because Auntie Ann letters required less facts and more opinions, less bombastic english and more sincere heartfelt advice from lovely auntie ann.
The voicemails from HQ make a lot more sense; what he assumes is the secretary's voice calmly, almost mechanically, telling him to report to the deputy director as soon as possible. Something about it being important.
He's not sure if it's just his imagination, but on his way to the elevator he notices everyone looking looking various degrees of sympathetic and pitying. He is slightly alarmed to find that even Kyungsoo glances up from his desk, looking, of all things, worried, because Kyungsoo has not looked worried since the day Chanyeol almost got arrested for obstructing traffic after getting drunk.
Jongdae has never been to the deputy director's office, but the moment the lift doors open he decides that he doesn't like it at all, and he makes it a goal to never come back. Unlike the haphazard mess that decorates the writing and editing floors, the executive floor looks way too much like an office, everything too in place and too proper.
That shouldn't be a problem, but it's the mess that makes his department comfortable, and all the organization on this floor feels rigid and intimidating.
He's ushered in by a receptionist who looks very entertained, as if watching a catfight on the streets as she expectantly watches him enter the large office. The way the door clicks shut, completely silent yet impossibly final and resounding at the same time, sends a stroke of fear down his spine and he flinches.
Deputy director Kim Minseok is as irritatingly prim and proper as the entire space, and the slightly annoyed grimace he wears on his face when Jongdae enters is both unsettling and frustrating at the same time.
"I expect you already know why you're here." He sounds almost dismissive as he looks from Jongdae to his computer screen, clicking away at it as if he has much more important things to do than waste his time talking to the employee who writes bullshit and passes it off as advice under a ridiculous moniker. Jongdae nearly bristles at his superior tone and for a moment his pride feels wounded, but he composes himself and straightens slightly in his seat.
Mature. Independent. Okay.
"No, actually, no I don't. Kindly enlighten me, Deputy director Kim." he knows he should be careful of which buttons he pushes because Kim Minseok looks like the type who does not take kindly to smart-alecky replies and prefers submissiveness. He's learnt from experience that it would be a grave mistake to provoke people who do not like to be questioned or have to repeat themselves, and one misstep could equal dire consequences, but Jongdae considers himself a master of subtle aggravation.
(Kyungsoo considers him a master of figurative suicide.)
"-Ah, okay, I believe you're aware of you job as our Auntie Ann over at Teen Girls," the way his eyebrows quirk up in amusement induces a sickening feeling of "oh shit." in the pit of Jongdae's stomach. Kim Minseok has obviously decided to humiliate him as petty revenge for being a smartass, "Or at least, I hope you're aware of your own job."
He kind of deserves it, should have known better than to try and outsmart someone who looks barely older and yet is at least 10 categories higher on the pay ladder, but it's too late for regrets and Jongdae is a strong believer in #yolo so he tries to manage a nonchalant nod and a "yeah."
"I have to say you seem to be pretty clueless about the present situation, Mr. Kim. Not that I expected much in the first place… but I guess I still gravely overestimated you," Jongdae thinks that Deputy Director Kim must have taken classes on being a successful asshole because he manages to make Jongdae feel absolutely useless in so little words.
"We've been receiving calls from distressed teens since our magazine hit news stands yesterday, our website traffic is jammed and so are all our phone lines, and there's been a 10% drop in magazine subscriptions just in a day. All because people think we're running a scam here and employing a freak to churn out Auntie Ann columns just for commercial and profit purposes."
Jongdae swallows uneasily. He's still not very sure where this is going, but from the scraps he's gathering his job seems to be in very serious jeopardy. Minseok observes his face silently, both smug and serious, before continuing.
"They're not necessarily wrong, you know, our priority isn't so much getting someone to solve their problems as ensuring a devoted readership and getting enough material for each issue, but they don't need to know that, and we've done pretty well this whole time."
Kim Minseok pauses for an unnecessarily long time, resting his gaze steadily, expectantly, accusingly on Jongdae, as if searching for some sort of facial cue to carry on. Jongdae shifts uncomfortably in his seat. He is somehow afraid of moving, of shattering the silence and the way time seems to have stopped, teetering precariously on the edge of a cliff.
"But. There are always but's, aren't there, the ones that completely screw up a perfect plan. And, very unfortunately, the but in this whole thing happens to be you." He heaves an exaggerated sigh, "I really don't see how I can help you. For completely screwing over our magazine with something as insignificant as an auntie ann letter." The way his voice is laced with slight disgust and how he states everything like an unimportant fact succeeds in making Jongdae's face burn, but somewhere along the way his processing machine must have broken down because nothing is really sinking in yet.
Jongdae realizes he must look as blank as he feels because the next moment Kim Minseok is tossing the latest issue over to him, the glossy cover of some entertainment company's latest 12 member boygroup wearing atrocious stage clothes (did they seriously print sparkly symbols of their group on their jackets?) reflecting the fluorescent lights into his face.
His fingers are numb as he flips through the coloured, pretty pages, until he spots his section, always somewhere near the back, squares of notebook paper against a polka dotted background, a huge heading that spells out Letters to Auntie in cursive, flowery font spread across the top. Everything looks as per normal and his tensed form is slowly relaxing until he zeroes in on the first rectangle, the font larger to match the size.
Jongdae is very sure his stomach drops and suddenly his face feels hot as his eyes trace over every word and they start to make sense.
Dearest Sadgirl,
I know how it feels to be lonely, because I am, too. I've been a bachelor for all twenty-six years of my life, and it sucks, everyone's pairing off and I'm still ticking "single" on the marital status section of every form I fill up. I really have no advice for this problem, none of the bullshit i usually spout actually works because haha, guess who's still a lonely old man, in the words of Kyungsoo, that asshole. It's true though. I'm as lonely as you sound and honestly it's probably fate that it's this way and there's nothing we can do to change it. Some things are just not meant to be, I guess. Nothing I say will change anything, so well, too bad?? Good luck trying to find a bright side in this.
Jongdae finds himself speechless, not only because of the glaring error but the embarrassment of having posted something like that up for the entire world to see. How on earth he had sent his angsty screw-my-life draft he has no idea, but the how's do not matter as much as the what's right now because Deputy Director Kim is waiting for answers.
Answers that he's pretty sure he doesn't have either.
Jongdae is very sure the letter he'd meant to send said something about letting nature take its course and going out to meet more people at social events, or even joining a (safe) dating site. Something about paying more attention to see if people around her seem to care for her especially, something that was supposed to signal "I'm here for you, I'll help you." and not "I'm in this with you, I need help too."
In fact, he's pretty sure he deleted that file, dragged it to trash immediately after he finished dumping his emotions and rants into the document as some form of emotional therapy.
But no, apparently he didn't.
He curses himself under his breath, silently wishing that when he blinks he will realize this is all a elaborate prank and that he didn't actually just bare his soul to the entire country.
No such luck. Jongdae cringes inwardly as he imagines the reactions of every reader, the way they must have laughed when they realized an awkward guy had been masquerading as Auntie Ann the entire time. The way they might have shuddered in disgust at how pathetic he was.
"Sadly, Mr. Kim, our magazine is not a platform for you to showcase your inner Shakespeare. And while we do not discourage our employees from personal feelings that they are completely entitled to have, we would prefer that you do not publish these for everyone to read and potentially jeopardize the business. Most of our audience are in a rather tender, sensitive, period of their lives. They need advice, not someone as hopeless as they are."
Jongdae sits rigidly, his shoulders tense as the information sinks as fast as his stomach.
"However, we've decided to give you the benefit of doubt, and assume that it was an honest mistake this time round. So all you have to do is write a clarification column in the next issue, and we'll be giving you a minimum wage for a while. I'll advise you to be a lot more careful in the future though, and maybe get your drafts to the editor."
Minseok says some more bullshit about compensating their losses, something about a probation, but Jongdae isn't listening anymore. Damn it, he needs advice and he needs someone to tell him it's okay, not some corporate asshole trying to shove him under the bus.
That person is obviously not Minseok as he clasps his hands and says brusquely, "Well then, that is all, I have another one coming in soon, problematic idiots, so you best be going off on your way, and start penning that column, yeah?" He nods towards the door and Jongdae takes that as his cue to stand up, bow half-heartedly, and exit himself.
The receptionist outside looks almost disappointed that a massive fight hadn't broken out when Jongdae emerges from the room unscathed and just looking very, very, depressed. He spends all his time staring at the ground that he misses the other person sitting in the office, anxious and jittery as he waits for his turn for a meeting.
He goes back to an influx of over five hundred emails in his inbox, all detailing hurt, pain, and betrayal in some form of another. There are a few calling him a conman and even more highlighting their shock at seeing "bachelor" in the letter.
"Stop looking at your feet or the ground, oh god, you've been doing that since you came back down. Do you even know how many people you've knocked into?" Kyungsoo states incredulously in the elevator after lunch. He tries again after getting no response, and Jongdae almost appreciates the great amount of effort he's putting into sounding uncharacteristically caring and worried, "Come on, it's not like the world just ended so stop acting like it. What's a three month pay reduction? --Okay, that actually really sucks, but it'll all be fine after that, I can almost promise you that, so please, please stop acting like a depressed old man, it's actually scary when you don't jump up and start long-winded explanations about being twenty-three."
Jongdae wants to jump up right then and shake Kyungsoo repeatedly, scream into his face that the pay reduction isn't what he's "acting like a depressed old man" about, and that it's the fact that his pathetic vent was published that makes him want to faceplant into the ground, but he doesn't have the energy, so he leaves it at that.
It's only when they get back to the office that he realizes that Baekhyun's desk is empty, and he hasn't seen him since he came in in the morning.
"Where'd he go?"
"Wow, you're really out of it, aren't you. Baekhyun's been gone since forever and for once, you just noticed." Chanyeol remarks in genuine wonder and Jongdae is pretty sure some part of him flushes further.
Kyungsoo and Chanyeol give him another worried glance before muttering a "If you need us we'll be at our desks." and disappearing down the walkway.
Baekhyun returns nearly an hour later looking worn out and disheveled, settling straight back into his chair without any of the usual courteous greetings or smiles. Jongdae decides not to question it, because people who are grieving need space. Like him.
Time seems to pass extremely fast when you're brooding, because the next thing he realizes its evening, the pale blue of the sky gradually darkening through the windows off at the far end. It should be alarming that dinner time has come and gone and Jongdae isn't hungry, but he'd never imagined it'll hurt as much to know he somehow had the ability to screw up something with such an irrelevant mistake. He leaves right after the clock strikes seven, hurtling past all the questioning glances and out of the office before anyone can stop and ask him anything.
He just really wants to be alone. In a ditch. Crying as drain water washes over and hopefully drowns him.
Somehow or another, Jongdae ends up at a cheap beer and chicken place further down the street from his office. It's greasy and loud and badly ventilated, but it's also sort of the only place nearby he can afford, especially with his fresh new pay cut. He orders a tub of oily chicken and a lot of beer -some "lonelyhearts" package deal they had and proceeds to drown himself in badly fried chicken and poor quality beer.
Jongdae's vaguely alarmed that at what he estimates is eight o'clock, Baekhyun walks through the door of the exact same place, of all the cheap restaurants he could be at, and Jongdae would have ran straight out if he hadn't just had six bottles of soju and was completely incapably of walking straight.
The last thing he is lucid enough to actually remember is Baekhyun ordering a inhumane amount of chicken and equally as much beer before settling into a seat two tables away.
**
Everything's mostly a blur when he wakes up, bits and pieces of the dream forgotten and scattered, and by then his memories are a weird mishmash of what actually happened and what he dreamt up. Jongdae's not too sure where real life ended or where the dream started.
He looks around to find himself back at home, collapsed ungracefully on the sofa, horribly hung over but otherwise fine. It's late afternoon, which means he's pretty much screwed because today is a workday and however little work he actually does in the office, he has to turn up. Jongdae only hopes Kyungsoo has enough loyalty to cover for him.
He also wakes up to a ring on his ring finger that was never there before.
…God. Life has to be playing a joke on him, except this isn't funny.
Jongdae feels his phone on his stomach and unlocks it to see, with horror, a text to an unknown number raging in incoherent words that he deciphers to mean that he's not into a job anymore and he's not the one being fired, he's firing them because he's definitely //not// in need of money. It's an unknown number, but there's a reply that says a dull "okay, meet me in my office to settle the paperwork." signed off with a Kim Minseok, Deputy director, Awoo INC.
He pauses for a moment, mid-panic, to stare at the incredulity of someone actually signing off on his texts, blinking twice just to reaffirm it isn't a dream. But it's real life and he somehow managed to send a drunk text to his uptight boss peppered with all kinds of inappropriate words, so instead Jongdae runs into the bathroom to try and look less like he'd spent the night in a club and more appropriately apologetic. The confusion will have to wait.
He is a joke.
He runs back to the office and takes the lift to the floor he made a personal oath never to step foot on again, barging right past the receptionist at 5pm in the afternoon into the office. Kim Minseok is alone, shuffling through paperwork before he looks up and sees him, panting and sweating. Jongdae is almost certain the air on this floor is especially stale, because there is something distinctly frightening and suffocating about it nagging at his bones.
Kim Minseok appraises him judgementally before raising an eyebrow, slowly, patronizingly. He doesn't look very surprised when Jongdae gestures awkwardly at his phone and back at himself, sputtering half-coherent words, only replying with a tinge of mockery, "Oh! Mr. Kim, here to settle the papers? I was waiting for you, actually. There wasn't a number, but I figured it could only be you. Writing style and all. So Angsty."
Jongdae is very sure he might regret it someday, but he gives up all his dignity and pride and begs Kim Minseok to give him the job and ignore the drunken text because no, he definitely does need the money.
Half an hour of grovelling later he exits the office, wincing with instant regret but job thankfully intact. He tries his hardest to forget Kim Minseok's annoyingly amused face, because he fits completely under the cateogry of people who Do Not Matter. He reminds himself that sometimes, you have to make sacrifices for the Greater Good.
He also tries his hardest to remember what happened the night before, but the more he recalls, or thinks he recalls, because part of that had to be a dream, the more nauseous he feels.
**
Baekhyun stumbles out of bed, his head pounding and clothes crumpled. He hasn't changed out from last night and the sickening smell of liquor occupying every inch of his room makes the throb in his right temple hurt even more. All he wants is to climb back into bed and sleep the hangover off, but a small part of his mind suddenly becomes sober and he realizes it's Tuesday and he's very late.
Like you-don't-even-need-to-try-anymore late. It's five in the afternoon.
The living room is a mess when he gets there, clothes and items that he'd spend time and effort painstakingly organizing and stowing away in storage boxes spewed everywhere. He can't remember what happened while he was drunk but he's already starting to regret everything, with the bloatedness in his stomach and the acidic aftertaste left in his mouth.
Baekhyun looks around his living hall before picking up a pair of underwear -someone else's- from a small pile of clothes and scrutinizing it. He can't tell if it's clean and throws it back on the ground. There are entire boxes of stuff that he has never seen before in the mess.
It's almost like someone had a party in his house last night. And didn't even bother cleaning up. Rude.
There is a stack of badly developed, shakily focused polaroids tossed on the coffee table, and he bends down to look at them in the hopes of hunting down the perpetrator.
Oh. That someone is him. Shit.
His drunk face stares back at him, eyelids closed and smiling sleepily at the camera, face flushed and a pair of underwear on his head. He runs a hand through his hair and wipes it on his pants.
Baekhyun weaves through the piles of rubbish and trash, trying to avoid stepping on anything of possible importance, when he steps on a laminated piece of paper and almost slips and falls to his death. There are names printed on lines and messy signatures -one of which look suspiciously like his- and a government-looking symbol embossed at the top.
Baekhyun doesn't remember ever having signed a certificate like that, so he crouches down to pick it up before the words printed at the top come into focus and he makes out Registry of Marriage, shiny and formal and very real. His breath catches and something lodges uncomfortably in his throat.
The next second his name -and Jongdae's- catches his eye, both their signatures scribbled on the line for new spouses, and Baekhyun almost chokes on his own saliva.
He starts hacking as his eyes take in all the other details, the signatures and names of witnesses etched into the paper. Today's date. The registrar's stamp. He's legally married. To a guy he's colleagues with.
"-What?" Baekhyun blinks the sleep out of his eyes and his head doesn't even hurt anymore, the pain becoming secondary to the confusion and escalating fear coursing through every vein in his body. He remembers this feeling, like that time he'd gone to school in pajamas thinking it was pj day only to see everyone in uniform. Like he'd been a part of something completely humiliating but was the only one not in the know.
His phone rings just then, breaking the silence almost painfully, and one glance at the screen shows it's Zitao. Fear seizes him and somewhere within his body he feels his heart plummeting down -he hasn't even thought of Zitao. His chest feels numb but the sinking feeling continues as the jittery feeling escalates. Maybe Zitao already knows.
He realizes he's trembling when he reaches out to press answer. It takes every bit of resolve and determination to remain composed and deal with things one at a time, but his voice betrays everything he's feeling the moment he opens his mouth. When the line goes through Zitao sounds urgent and hurried, asking, "Baekhyun! Baekhyun, are you there? I've gotten news of-"
Baekhyun doesn't let him finish, the guilt and fear eating away at him before he bursts out, voice cracking, "I'm so sorry Zitao. I got mad when you said you didn't want to go public and it was inconsiderate of me I know, I was too immature to think and didn't even think of your side of it- I-I got drunk and I swear- please please please believe me- getting married with a colleague was accidental. You probably think this sounds completely ridiculous because it does but it's true and I'm scared too, I don't even remember how this happened and now I'm married oh god, Zitao what should I do now?"
The line is silent, the only indication of Zitao not hanging up in anger is the heavy breathing on the other end. Baekhyun supposes he must be mad, because who calls to hear their boyfriend's gotten married to some other guy, apparently with no knowledge of how it happened?
But even the entire chain of surreal events doesn't prepare him for what Zitao says next.
"Oh Thank God!" Zitao breathes out, voice trembling with relief and happiness, "This has to be fate." Baekhyun is confused, unable to comprehend both the lack of any anger nor the presence of happiness. Then Zitao drops the bomb.
"Just stay married. Please. I'm begging you. Since it's already happened, it's just as well. They're beginning to suspect and a dating scandal could wreck my entire career right now because I'm selling the image of a single hot bachelor. Please, I know you'll understand. Do this for me?"
Baekhyun leans back, sinking onto the heels of his feet before flopping onto the floor. Every piece of information is too much for his hangover-incuded state, and he tries to let it all gradually sink in.
"Baek? You still there?" Zitao's voice comes over the line, sounding rushed once again.
Baekhyun doesn't answer, doesn't even understand fully yet, but he knows he doesn't need to because both of them know he will agree.
**
"So you're telling me you witnessed our marriage? My marriage with a guy who calls me Jongdae-ssi?"
"Ah, so polite of him. But to answer your question, yup." Kyungsoo has the nerve to continue stirring his cup of coffee slowly.
"Are you serious?" Jongdae screeches into his face, trying hard to remain some semblance of stability or calm. It's not very successful.
"Why not? Weren't you the one dying to get together with him?" Kyungsoo says it so nonchalantly that Jongdae wants to punch him. Really hard.
"Are you dense. Not this way! He'll think I'm weird. He probably already thinks so. How do I face the world now?" Jongdae isn't sure if he's supposed to be exasperated or annoyed anymore; his head hurts and the copious amounts of chicken he'd apparently inhaled yesterday are coming back to haunt him, rising from the bile-filled pits of acidic hell, "I can't believe you, why are we even friends??"
"To be fair, I couldn't believe it either when I got called up at 7am to witness a marriage, just because I was number one on speed dial on some drunken idiot's mobile phone. So hmm, why are we friends, Jongdae? Why."
"You could at least have stopped me."
"Believe me, I tried."
Jongdae buries his face into his hands, willing for him to wake up and realize that this is just a continuation of his very surreal dream sequence. He lifts his face and Kyungsoo is still looking at him like he hadn't just gone and gotten married to the most perfect guy ever who just so happens to be completely uninterested in him.
Chanyeol walks by just then, handing over a huge heart-shaped pillow with "Congrats on your marriage!" embroided on it. It looks suspiciously like he'd just dug it out of the storeroom at home.
"I was pretty doubtful in the morning, but aw, you two were so cute, adamant even when drunk."
Jongdae shoots Chanyeol a glare.
"Anyway, it's a blessing in disguise. I know how you've been pining for Baek-" Jongdae glares again, "-to no apparent avail, so I was thinking of doing something to boost your love. The Astronomer said virgos should seize today to make vital improvements in their relationships. But since you're too passive aggressive to actually do anything, I'm even going to do it for you. Can I?"
"You're actually asking for permission this time? As long as it isn't anything ridiculously stupid- actually no, no don't do anything-" Jongdae warns him, pointedly ignoring the hurt pout Chanyeol is trying to emulate.
"Too late, I've already done it. Anyway, fret not, it just involves a lock, a pen, and a key I threw into the distance."
Jongdae stifles an exasperated sigh, but it doesn't exactly sound as alarming as expected and the words don't raise any red flags, so he lets it go.
"Well. That's a weird combination, but I guess it can't be that bad." Jongdae comments, but Chanyeol makes no effort to elaborate, and Jongdae decides those things can't be too harmful. Chanyeol just has a penchant for believing too much in (dubious) symbolical, spiritual magazines.
There is an uncomfortable cough from the side, and they turn to see Baekhyun standing against the cubicle wall, shirt rumpled and face weary and pale. Jongdae guesses he'd probably already spent the morning expelling the toxic chicken, but his very presence is making him feel nauseous and weak all over again.
"Uh, Jongdae? I think we need to talk." Baekhyun avoids eye contact, nervously clearing non-existent phlegm from his throat as he shifts in place. He throws a very awkward glance at Kyungsoo, and Jongdae's not sure if it's because he feels embarrassed Kyungsoo was witness to such an event, or if he's embarrassed to be broaching the subject at all.
**
"I need to clarify something."
"If it's how we ended up married, I kind of have an idea, but at the same time I kind of don't."
"No, actually, other than the obvious, it's that-"
"Oh." Realization hits him like a clump of soggy sand as the finer details of last night realign with Baekhyun's miserable face.
"Zitao, right? The kid from that idol group. The one who waves a stick around occasionally on television and then accidentally hits himself. 183cm? Scared of bugs? Can't shower alone? Yeah, I've heard of him --Briefly."
"Wha-" Baekhyun seems to be at a loss of words, his mouth opening and closing very unattractively. Jongdae finds it cute, though. Itt's probably why Kyungsoo always advises him, very kindly, to get some help.
He sees the how did you know written plainly on Baekhyun's face, and so before the pause gets more awkward and he accidentally outs himself, Jongdae fumbles for something to say.
"Oh, haha," he lets out the most stunted laugh ever and uncomfortably makes it sound like a cough, "News travels fast around here. I have absolutely no idea how anyone got wind of it but, yeah, haha, heard it somewhere. This office is full of nosy people. But it's not like anyone's sure so you can totally relax, it's all just rumours along the gravepine, yeah,"
Baekhyun mouths a small oh before turning back to the ground, looking confused, but thankfully not suspicious. He seems to have difficulty putting anything into words, his brow furrowing and looking deep in thought.
"I know what you're going to say. Somehow we have a legal certificate now so hey! we're married! That's great- I mean, that's completely ridiculous, so we can go back to the registry right after, it's gonna be pretty awkward, but, well, it would be stupid to stay ma-"
"Let's stay married."
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