show me how you know me ✿ for sinisterkids
Title: show me how you know me
Recipient: sinisterkids
Rating: PG-13
Side pairing/s: none
Word Count: 9220 words
Summary: It’s a long train ride, and Baekhyun has never liked strangers or adventures or the Korean pop singer Chen, but somehow, he does develop a liking for a certain man named Kim Jongdae.
Warning/s: very brief mentions of homophobic behavior
Notes: My dear recipient, I’m afraid your longtrainride!au turned out slightly different than you asked for, but I hope you’ll still enjoy the read! Thank you for the prompts; I had such a wonderful time writing this. Special thanks to K and L for your support.
Attention, please! Passengers for train D160, your train is about to depart. This is the last call for D160 passengers. If you have not yet boarded, please make your way to platform A30 immediately. Thank you for your cooperation.
“Sorry, sorry, coming through!”
The young man he runs into lets out a yelp as his hat flies off of his head, and the group of young girls yell out surprised squawks as he barrels past them, almost tripping over himself as he shoots down the last flight of steps.
21, 20, 19, 18, 17...
The bright red numbers painted on the sides of the cars blur in his vision as he frantically runs down the almost empty platform.
15, 13, 14, 12, 11…
Skidding to a stop in front of the tenth train car, he heaves up his suitcase and leaps on board. The attendant standing inside, who had been just about to close the door, jumps back in surprise.
That was close.
Before he can even open his mouth to apologize to the car attendant, the train starts moving, and Baekhyun ends up stumbling backwards into the dining car, right into the man standing behind him at the end of the aisle. Who also happens to be carrying a can of Pepsi. Which is most likely empty, if the large brown splatters now covering the man’s white suit jacket were any indication.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” Baekhyun exclaims, scrambling up from the ground. “I woke up really late and couldn’t hail a taxi so I had to take a bus and then there was traffic and I thought I wasn’t even going to make the train and yeah, I’m really clumsy when I’m in a hurry--"
He doesn’t get to finish before the other man glares at Baekhyun and maneuvers around him in two graceful steps, disappears into the next car.
Baekhyun sighs, picking up his luggage to look for his seat, feeling slightly guilty.
-------
A few minutes later, Baekhyun finally makes his way to his seat without causing any other damage. Sitting in the seat next to his is a young man, probably in his twenties, dressed casually in a black hoodie and talking very loudly on his cell phone. Baekhyun raises his suitcase, attempting to stuff it onto the overhead rack, but ends up pushing over a plastic bag full of packaged snack foods and ramen noodles, which overflows onto the ground below his seat.
The man in the seat next to him gives him a rather judgmentally as he hangs up, but helps him pick up then fallen items anyway. “Those are mine. You can just give me the bag,” he tells Baekhyun, who nods and hands over the rest of the snacks, rather embarrassed by the incident, but a bit relieved to find out that other man was Korean. Not that it mattered, considering they probably weren’t going to make conversation. At least, Baekhyun hoped not. It probably wouldn’t be so bad, since they likely won’t ever see each other again, but meeting new people still makes him nervous.
At first, it appeared as though he hadn’t needed to worry. Baekhyun settles down in his seat comfortably, the other man’s phone goes off again, and he scrambles to answer it. His ringtone, Baekhyun notes distastefully, is a Chen song. Apparently his music tastes are almost as awful as his 3D dinosaur phone case.
Baekhyun takes a few seconds to shift his backpack into a spot under the seat in front of him. Then, taking out his own cell phone, he takes a moment to check his hair with his camera before scrolling through his other messages. He’s in the midst of replying to Luhan (just got on the train, hyung! see u @ the station! ), only to be disrupted when he hears loud music blasting from his right. He can already tell it’s another annoying song by the Korean pop idol Chen.
Caught between wanting to tell him off and just going back to browsing through his own his cell phone, Baekhyun doesn’t realize he’s been staring until the other man speaks.
“Wanna listen?” he offers, holding out one of his ear buds.
Surprised, Baekhyun shakes his head. “I don’t like Chen,” he tells the other man. He concentrates on extending one foot forward to nudge his backpack toward him.
“Really?” Ugly-phone-case guy looks extremely surprised. “Ah, but I bet you haven’t heard much of his music, have you?” he assumes, leaning forward in his seat.
“Actually, yes, I have.” Baekhyun responds. He’s managed to maneuver his backpack between his feet. “I have friends who are fans, but I still think Chen is really obnoxious. And he doesn’t sing anything except love songs.”
Baekhyun reaches down to rummage through his bag as the other man frowns. “So? What’s wrong with love songs? Everyone sings love songs, not just Chen,” the man protests.
“But Chen’s love songs are dumb.”
“Hey! That’s not true!” The other man exclaims as Baekhyun finally fishes out his own pair of headphones from his bag and places them over his ears. His seat mate looks rather affronted and looks like he wants to protest more, but Baekhyun simply shrugs and looks down at his Chen-free playlist. He has better things to do than get into a long argument with an obsessed fanboy.
Unfortunately, the other man seems a bit over-friendly.
“I’m making ramen.” Chen-fanboy reaches down to grab the plastic bag closest to him, pulling out one of the food packages and ripping it open. “Do you want some?” he offers, and Baekhyun feels his stomach grumble.
Normally he would be polite and refuse, but he had skipped lunch today in his rush to make the train. In the end, Baekhyun’s hunger wins out. “Okay,” he agrees, watching as his seatmate opens up two containers of ramen, placing them on the mini fold-down table attached to the back of the seats in front of them.
“I’m Kim Jongdae, by the way,” the other man says as he pours in the water he retrieved from the hot water fountain. He places the kimchi flavored noodles in front of Baekhyun and slides him a pair of chopsticks, keeping the spicy shrimp ramen for himself.
“Byun Baekhyun,” he introduces, and thanks the other man for the noodles. Baekhyun folds closed the lid on his container and the Jongdae does the same, both waiting for their ramen to soften and cool down enough to eat.
“So tell me about why you don’t like Chen.”
“I don’t know, is it really that important?” Baekhyun shrugs. He hates making conversation on trains, but he doesn’t want to seem rude. He was eating Jongdae’s ramen, after all. “I don’t hate him, I just don’t like him. He has a great voice and all, I can’t deny that, and there aren’t many other young idols out there that can make it without being strikingly handsome.”
“How do you know he’s not handsome? You don’t even know what he looks like!” Jongdae blurts out. “Or at least…” He’s looking rather upset, and Baekhyun feels a little bad.
“I just feel like he could be doing way better than what he’s doing now. Like, his debut track “Breath”? The duet with Zhang Liyin? That one was a novelty. But now, SM just keeps making him do these upbeat dance videos, and he can’t dance at all.” Baekhyun breaks apart his wooden chopsticks. They split unevenly at the top, and he frowns a bit. He hates using disposable chopsticks.
“Here, have mine, I’ll get another pair,” Jongdae offers, handing Baekhyun his pair of perfectly split chopsticks, which Baekhyun accepts. “So are you saying that if Chen were to start singing that kind of stuff again, you might actually like him?”
“Maybe,” Baekhyun responds, smiling as he looks down at his ramen. The noodles have finally cooled down enough, and he picks up a big bite. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see the other male smiling as well.
“There is hope for you yet,” Jongdae decides.
-------
“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen…”
Baekhyun looks up from his book to listen as the conductor makes an announcement through the train’s loudspeaker. It’s the first time so far that the announcement hasn’t been automatic, and he listens, trying to make out message. It’s a long announcement, and Baekhyun ends up largely stumped by the language barrier. Next to him, however, Jongdae groans in displeasure.
“What’s wrong? What did he say?” Baekhyun asks.
The look on Jongdae’s face is not a happy one. “There’s been a delay. Apparently another train ahead of us broke down,” he translates. “They have to evacuate all of the passengers from the broken train, and they’ve closed that section of the railway, so now all of the other trains are behind schedule as well. We’re about halfway to Beijing, pretty close to Zhengzhou right now, so our train is going to pull into Zhengzhou East Station until the railway is open again. We might be stuck here for five hours.”
“Five hours? ” Baekhyun says, appalled. The nine hour train ride from Changsha to Beijing was long enough to begin with. “What are we going to do for five hours? Sit here and wait?” He pulls out his phone to text Luhan the bad news.
“We could tour the city,” Jongdae suggests. “The Shaolin Temple is here, right? And the Yellow River.”
Baekhyun can’t tell if Jongdae is joking or not. “I don’t think we have that much time,” he points out. The conductor has just begun making his way down the train, and Baekhyun watches as he is immediately bombarded with questions from several passengers.
“Have a sense of adventure!” Jongdae runs a hand through his messy black hair before picking up a black snapback from inside his backpack and it on his head. He turns the brim around dramatically, sitting up straight to gaze down at Baekhyun, who can’t help but laugh and shake his head at the other man’s silly antics.
“No adventures? Okay, restaurant, then.” Jongdae acquiesces. “Food is always good, and any place is better than just sitting around in a train station. What do you say?”
It’s oddly enticing. Part of him wants to hold back and worry about something happening, but it’s been a long time since Baekhyun’s had the confidence to spend time getting to know random people, and Jongdae is more of a relaxing presence than an agitating one.
“Okay,” Baekhyun agrees, watching with mesmerization, as Jongdae beams at him, lips curling into a wide smile. It’s a beautiful sight, and he thinks it’s a pity he can’t capture that pretty smile for his memories.
-------
They end up at a dumpling restaurant not far away from the train station because Baekhyun insisted on staying close for fear of missing their train and being stranded in Zhengzhou forever.
“So what brings you to China?” asks Jongdae as they both order randomly and wait for their early dinner to arrive.
“I’m visiting my friends. Junmyeon-hyung and I both flew from Seoul to visit our Chinese friend in Changsha, and now I’m off to Beijing to see another old friend. How about you?”
“Just some things for work,” Jongdae replies, “Meeting with some colleagues for one of our projects.”
Their food arrives in the form of two large plates of dumplings, one with seafood filling, and one with chive and egg. Jongdae breaks Baekhyun’s chopsticks for him without the latter even having to ask, and they both smile.
“Tell me about your friends,” Jongdae says, and Baekhyun obliges. He tells him about how Junmyeon and Yixing had met each other as exchange students in high school but are still good friends, and he tells Jongdae about Luhan, his old roommate in college, who is now back in Beijing living with a new roommate named Zitao and their lives as obnoxious Chen fanboys.
“Sounds like I’d get along with them, then,” Jongdae remarks, laughing. “Maybe I could even meet them someday.”
You can, Baekhyun almost says, you could meet up with us in Beijing. Instead, he reminds himself on his own policy and keeps his mouth shut, simply nodding in agreement.
Suddenly, a Chen song starts playing out of nowhere. Baekhyun snorts when he realizes that the source of the music is Jongdae’s ringtone. The other man puts his chopsticks down and reaches for his cell phone.
“Hello? Minseok-hyung?” Jongdae turns away slightly as he takes the call. “You rescheduled it...to tomorrow? Okay...I’m eating at a restaurant now with my friend, someone I met on the train...no, not a girl,” Jongdae says, rolling his eyes, “I know, don’t worry, nobody here is paying attention anyway...okay, bye!” He hangs up and sets his phone on the table.
Baekhyun eyes the object with distaste. “Your phone case is hideous, by the way” he says, dipping his dumping in a saucer of black vinegar.
Jongdae pouts childishly. “I like it,” he whines, “Minseok-hyung says it suits my personality very well.”
Who's Minseok? Baekhyun asks, remembering Jongdae's earlier conversation on the phone.
"My manager," Jongdae says. Baekhyun is about to ask Jongdae more about his job, but Jongdae beats him to it instead. He asks Baekhyun if he’s working or studying, and Baekhyun tells him that he’s a literature major. In the end, somehow, their conversation winds around to the topic of music again.
“It’s nothing, really,” Baekhyun says. He had mentioned that he liked to sing, and Jongdae had seemed especially interested. “I used to have a friend who played the guitar,” Baekhyun explains, “and sometimes he’d play and I’d sing a bit. I never took it really seriously.”
They sit and chat for a while longer, and then they leave the dumpling restaurant and stroll leisurely down the street. Jongdae stops to buy them drinks and comes back with two iced bottles of water.
“Didn’t want you to spill it, like you did with the Pepsi,” he says, handing one of the bottles over to Baekhyun.
“Pepsi?” Baekhyun asks, confused. Then he remembers the incident on the train. “Ah, wait,” he chuckes, “did you witness my terrible display of clumsiness earlier?” Baekhyun isn’t not sure how Jongdae could have seen him from where he had been sitting, but how else would the other man know about that? “I didn’t mean to trip and run into him, but seriously, who wears white suits on train rides?” He smiles up at Jongdae, but the other doesn’t laugh. Instead he’s looking at Baekhyun strangely. Baekhyun has seen that look on other people before, and it’s a look he dreads receiving, because it means he has been talking nonsense, or that he has somehow messed up.
Before he can analyze what his mistake had been, however, Jongdae stops walking. Baekhyun looks ahead and sees two teenage girls standing a few feet away from them. They’re waving, and one of them is jumping up and down excitedly, yelling something in Mandarin.
“Do you know them?” he asks curiously.
“Um...no. I don’t know them.” Jongdae suddenly looks apprehensive. “They’re probably waving at someone else. Let’s just…go this way.” Jongdae turns sharply to the right and walks away quickly, and Baekhyun rushes to follow. They end up in an open square full of people and stands full of snacks and souvenirs, dodging around people as they make their way through. Someone steps on Baekhyun’s foot, and he nearly runs over a vendor selling lamb skewers. By the time Baekhyun has pushed his way out of the crowd, Jongdae is nowhere in sight.
He scans the area ahead of him, then looks back at the outdoor marketplace, packed full of people. Was Jongdae still somewhere among the crowd, or had he kept going straight ahead? Or maybe he had turned down one of the side streets, or is waiting for Baekhyun inside one of the stores on the side of the road. But even if he knew which way Jongdae had gone, there was an extremely high likelihood that Baekhyun would not even be able to recognize him.
He makes his way to a nearby bench and sits down, thinking hard. He tries to remember what clothes the other male had been wearing, yet he can’t help but second-guess himself. Jongdae had worn a brown jacket, right? Or maybe it was black. Or was black the color of the hoodie he had been wearing inside his jacket? Had Jongdae even been wearing a jacket at all?
Don't panic, don't panic, he thinks to himself. Jongdae is looking for me, too. Maybe if I just wait here...
Baekhyun tries to think of his other options. He has his phone on him, but he can’t call Jongdae because he doesn’t have his number. He knows he’s not too far away from the train station, but he’d been following Jongdae around earlier and hadn’t bothered to remember the way, and the GPS on his phone doesn’t work outside of South Korea. He doesn’t know enough Mandarin to ask a local, and he doubts he can easily find someone who speaks Korean. If worse comes to worst, he could call Luhan...and then what? Luhan was in Beijing, not Zhengzhou.
It’s no use. He feels his chest start to tighten, and he can’t stop the rush of anxiety that overcomes him, terrible past memories cascading upon him like a waterfall tearing through a carefully constructed dam.
He was four and he was at the supermarket, shopping with his family. He ran off to look at ice cream section while his brother was trying to convince his mother to buy him a toy truck. He got lost, and spent fifteen minutes running around the store before an employee found him crying in the canned foods section because he didn’t know where his family was.
He was ten, and his class was on at field trip at the Seoul Zoo. He was listening to one of the zoologists explain how elephants take baths when he looked around and realized his teacher and classmates were nowhere to be seen. He was relieved when he found the group of kids in school uniforms again, only to realize as they were leaving for the bus that he had actually ended up with a group of kids from a different school instead.
He was eighteen and was at a party, making out with his made out with his girlfriend. Later, he found out that the person he was kissing was not his girlfriend at all; was not even a girl at all.
He was looking into the mirror after he woke up, and just like every morning, he saw the reflection of stranger staring back at him.
His vision feels blurry. Something wet falls on the hand in his lap, and he realizes that he’s crying. He wipes the tears away angrily. He hates it all. He hates his prosopagnosia. He hates whatever caused the stupid train to break down. He hates how he’s stuck here alone and helpless, he hates Jongdae for taking him here, he hates himself for making friends with a stranger and bringing this awful fate upon himself-“
“Baekhyun!” The sudden call of his name has him spinning around, searching for the speaker.
“Baekhyun!” The sound is coming from his left. He turns, and sees a man wearing a black snapback and a brown jacket running towards him. “There you are!” the man says, panting heavily as he comes to a stop a few feet away.
“Jongdae…?” Baekhyun croaks, staring at the other man.
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you after we left the square so I thought you might have gone ahead, and then I couldn’t find you anywhere...Sorry, I should have gotten your number earlier so we could have just called, I was…” Jongdae pauses mid-sentence, sensing that something is off. He walks closer and sits on the bench next to him. “Baekhyun?” he sounds concerned. “Are you okay? Baekhyun, what’s wrong?”
What’s wrong? He doesn’t look at Jongdae. Instead, he stares down at his fingers. They’re shaking, and feels absolutely ridiculous. This is embarrassing. Closing his eyes, he takes several deep breaths and wills the anxiety to go away. Jongdae is here now, he tells himself. I’m not lost anymore.
When he finally looks up, Jongdae smiles and wraps an arm around Baekhyun. It’s a comforting gesture, and it makes Baekhyun feels much calmer.
He tells Jongdae he wants to talk, but before he can offer an explanation for his breakdown, Jongdae insists on leading Baekhyun to a small tea shop tucked away in one of the side streets. He orders hot tea for both of them. Baekhyun is not completely sure why he wants to do this, but all the feelings he had kept bottled up inside for so long are overflowing. So he finally lets them flow, and he tells Jongdae the full story. His story.
*****
As a kid, he had never been able to make friends easily because it seemed as if each kid he played with would never show up again. Every day, there would be a whole bunch of new kids that he had never met. His parents had thought it was a phase, and after Baekhyun finally noticed the patterns and found various ways to tell each person apart, it was a little better. Still, any new friends he made never seemed to last. But Baekhyun didn’t mind much, because at least he had one friend, and that was Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo and Baekhyun were friends by default, because their mothers had been friends. Kyungsoo was quiet, and like Baekhyun, he didn’t have many friends either. In elementary school, they would play on the swings together, eat lunch together, and wait in the school courtyard together while waiting for their parents to take them home.
It was in junior high that his friendship with Kyungsoo finally ended. For a while, the two friends had been growing more distant. At first Baekhyun had simply attributed it to the increased amount of schoolwork keeping them busy, but soon weeks passed, and then months, and Kyungsoo never seemed to be around.
One morning, he finally saw Kyungsoo at school. Kyungsoo’s hair was cropped short, and he almost hadn’t recognized his friend until he had heard the other boy humming the Pororo theme song as he passed him in the hallway. Baekhyun had quickly caught up to Kyungsoo with a cheerful smile, intending on saying hi, only to be shocked when the other had given him the cold shoulder and told Baekhyun that he didn’t want to be friends anymore. Kyungsoo had called Baekhyun a weirdo. Kyungsoo had told him that Baekhyun was the worst friend ever and that he was tired of being ignored. When Baekhyun mentioned that he simply hadn’t seen Kyungsoo around anywhere, Kyungsoo angrily listed off a dozen places where he had seen Baekhyun within the past two months, and he told Baekhyun that each of those times, Baekhyun had walked right past Kyungsoo, brushing him off without a word.
When he later commented on Kyungsoo’s new hairstyle while talking to another classmate, the other kid gave Baekhyun a strange look and informed him that Kyungsoo’s hair has been the same for the past semester.
Baekhyun felt like a terrible person for not paying attention to his friends, and he thought that he deserved those harsh words from Kyungsoo. It wasn’t until his last year of junior high, however, that he finally found out what the real problem was.
In history class that year, they had to memorize the faces of important political figures. The other students didn’t seem to have any problem matching the names of past presidents and monarchs to the famous faces. Baekhyun, on the other hand, didn’t understand how his classmates could handle the task. All he knows is that without any living and speaking mannerisms, there was no way for him to tell each person’s picture apart from the previous one.
“And who can tell me who this man is?” his teacher had asked, pointing to the last man in the picture she was showing. Hands shot up all around the classroom.
“Baekhyun? Do you know the answer?” The other kids in the classroom turned around in their chairs to stare at him, waiting for him to speak. Baekhyun had shrunk down in his seat, feeling even more nervous from all the scrutiny.
“I don’t know, Songsaenim,” he said quietly.
The teacher frowned. “Surely you’ve seen him on TV, or in the newspaper,” she had prompted.
Baekhyun stared harder at the face in the picture. Black hair, glasses, a nose, a mouth. It looked like every other face to him. He willed his brain to try harder, but no name comes to mind. Baekhyun shook his head, looking down at his desk.
The teacher had finally answered for him. “The president. This is our nation’s tenth president,” she told him. “Please try harder next time, Byun Baekhyun,” she added disapprovingly, and the students in the class had snickered as Baekhyun continued to gaze downward.
His parents had looked at him in concern after they received a phone call from his teacher, informing them of his difficulties in class and suggesting that he possibly needed glasses. His parents had looked even more bewildered after receiving his eye exam results, which showed that their son had perfect vision.
When they went home that day, he thought his parents had dropped the issue. But later that night, however, he heard his mother and father talking in hushed voices to each other, and the next day, he found himself sitting in another examination room with a different doctor.
It had taken another talk between his doctor and him, several discussions with his parents, several computer tests, and an even more extensive fMRI test before his doctor comes to a conclusion.
Some people acquire it when they injure or damage their nervous system. Some people, like Baekhyun, are born with it. The doctor had tried to explain it to him in a way he would understand. It’s a problem with a specific area in his right brain. It’s not extremely rare. About 1 in 50 people have the condition, and to be diagnosed at age 14 is considered early. Many people don’t find out until they are well into their adult years, and some people even live their entire lives without knowing that they have any sort of problem. There is no cure, but luckily, it isn’t something extremely harmful, either. In short, Baekhyun’s life will continue on as it always had, only now, he had a name for the condition he’s had since birth.
He doesn’t have trouble seeing, and he doesn’t have memory problems. He has prosopagnosia, the inability to recognize faces. Face-blindness.
It was almost a relief to him because of how much sense it made.
Baekhyun can see that his teacher has short, permed hair and that his brother has a slightly crooked smile. He can describe the exact color of his mother’s eyes when he looks at them. He can find Chanyeol in a crowd just by his height and the way he walks, and he can tell his father’s distinctive voice by the way he talks.
But if he were to look at their entire faces, only their faces, he knows no one. They all look like complete strangers.
Finding out that he was face-blind was a relief, but it was also burden. It was the first time Baekhyun learned that unlike himself, most people do not need to resort to memorizing hairstyles and behavioral patterns in order to recognize someone, and will know the president’s face without the visual cues of a podium and a Korean flag. It was fascinating to him, how people could simply look at a face and just know, and also frustrating, because it was an ability he didn’t have.
It also brought on whole new set of worries. Baekhyun had always thought it was strange how he never saw any of his classmates outside of school. Now he realized that maybe he does, but just never recognizes them. The people who greet him at the supermarket, or on the bus, or at school, the ones whom he thought he had never met before-how many of them were actually his neighbors and acquaintances? What did they think of him all the times he never waved back and never greeted them because he simply couldn’t tell who they were?
The summer before starting senior high, Baekhyun’s family ended up moving to a different area in the city. His parents had thought it was a good idea. The new school was much supposed to be newer and much better than his old one, and Baekhyun had never liked his old school, anyway. Unfortunately, however, a different school district also meant completely different kids and different teachers-a whole new set of faces, and a whole new set of challenges.
“Good morning,” his teacher had greeted him the first time he walked through the classroom door. “Your name, please?” Baekhyun had responded accordingly, and the teacher had nodded and hummed in recognition. This time, his parents had already informed the school about his cognitive impairment and made sure that his teachers would be aware of his face-blindness as well. “Did you get your textbooks? Good, you can sit next to Park Chanyeol there in the back.”
One of the kids, presumably “Park Chanyeol,” grinned and waved at him near the back of the classroom. He’s extremely tall, Baekhyun noted, and the desk almost appeared too small for him.
“Hi!” he greets Baekhyun as soon as he sat down. “I like your DBSK shirt. They’re my favorite band! U-Know Yunho is so swag!” The kid seemed friendly, but Baekhyun had still felt nervous and awkward.
“What does ‘swag’ mean?” Baekhyun had asked timidly.
The other boy thinks for a while. “I don’t know!” he finally said, “but they say it a lot in American songs!” Then he bursted into laughter as if this was somehow funny. At the front of the room, the teacher had turned around to glare at the source of the disturbance, tapping the chalkboard with her pointer to regain the two boys’ attention.
The rest of that day, they had spent their breaks between classes talking about music. Chanyeol, who already had lots of friends in their class, even called Baekhyun over to sit with them at lunch.
Baekhyun eventually decided he likes Chanyeol. Part of it was because Chanyeol always stood out above the crowd, literally, since he was about six inches taller than everyone else. Baekhyun slowly learned the other boy’s distinctive characteristics: big ears, big smile, and a bouncy gait that reminds him of large, over-excited puppy dogs.
Sometimes Chanyeol would invite him over and they would sing together. Chanyeol would play a few of DBSK’s slow songs on the guitar, filling in the rap while Baekhyun hit all the high notes. Other times, Baekhyun had watched Chanyeol play his own compositions by himself. On those days, he would take the time to study the other male, trying to memorize all the little things about him, from the shape of his round eyes to the way his large hands looked positioned on the guitar.
He had made sure to take in every detail, because even though he could fit in much better at his new school and had friends to hang out with now, Baekhyun still feared. He feared finding himself lost among a crowd of strangers, too scared to ask people for help because what if it turns out to be the wrong person, what if it turns out to be someone he knows, what if they misunderstand? So he stays close to Chanyeol, his landmark, his safety net, the one he thought he could always return to.
*****
Jongdae is a good listener. He knows how to ask the right questions and interjects the right consolations, and it puts Baekhyun at ease. Baekhyun never would have thought he would reveal so much about himself to someone he had just met him hours ago, but it feels like he and Jongdae known each other for much longer. They sip their tea, and Baekhyun wonders how all this could happen within five extra hours.
“Sometimes I think I make too big of a deal out of it,” Baekhyun says.
Jongdae shakes his head in disagreement. “If it’s important to you, then it should be a big deal. Everybody’s life has a bit of tragedy in it. Sometimes, it’s hard for us to understand the tragedies in other people’s lives. Especially when to other people, they seem more like blessings.”
It’s a sentenced packed full of meaning that Baekhyun doesn’t understand.
“What is your biggest tragedy, Kim Jongdae?” Baekhyun asks. He doesn’t really expect Jongdae to tell him, but the other man actually ponders the question, tapping his finger to his chin thoughtfully.
“There are a few that I can think of,” he finally answers, “but I would say...coming out to my family.” Baekhyun thinks he sees a hint of sadness in Jongdae’s smile, but it doesn’t look any less beautiful and genuine.
Baekhyun looks down at his tea and thinks about that part of his own story, the part he had kept hidden.
-------
He hadn’t told Jongdae about his senior year of high school when he met Suji, a girl from his class who he had ended up dating for nearly seven months. He hadn’t told Jongdae about that time at Chanyeol’s party, where someone behind him had reached out a hand to run his fingers down Baekhyun’s torso, and when he turned around and saw a head of brown hair cropped short, he had immediately assumed it was Suji, wrapping his arms around who he thought was his girlfriend’s body and placing his mouth on those plump lips. He hadn’t told Jongdae about how Chanyeol had walked right in on his passionate make-out session with Kim Jongin, and punched him in the face, kicked him out of his house, and never spoke to him again. He hadn’t told Jongdae about that one night when that priceless friendship he had developed, the closest relationship he had managed to form by himself, the one lifeline he felt like he could depend on, had been completely severed. He hadn’t told Jongdae about the last two months of high school where he was back where he had started, and how he had felt so utterly, completely, alone.
Instead, he had told Jongdae about the one time he had been honest to his college roommate about his face-blindness. That roommate had reacted by backing away and had spent the rest of the semester avoiding Baekhyun until he finally moved out of the dorms and into a small apartment complex. Luckily, his new roommate had been none other than Luhan, but even then, Baekhyun had refrained from telling him until they had been friends for almost a year. Hiding it was hard, but he always had the constant fear that the other person simply wouldn’t understand.
As Baekhyun grew older, he slowly learned how to deal with his impairment. Most of the time, he shied away from social interaction. It was his self-established policy on interacting with new people: stay as far away as possible. He has abided by this rule ever since, until now, when Kim Jongdae had walked into the picture.
-------
“Yeah, that’s pretty tragic,” Baekhyun agrees, staring at small vortex in his tea as he tilts the cup around and around to swirl the liquid inside. “But those are tragedies that we can share another time.”
-------
They make their way back to the train station together around eight o'clock, and this time, they never leave each other’s sight.
The rest of the train ride to Beijing passes smoothly. About an hour in, Jongdae falls asleep while listening to music, and Baekhyun pulls the earbuds out of the other man’s ears and fits them inside his own. It’s a Chen song, of course, and Baekhyun recognizes it as one that had been played all around Seoul about a year ago. He hadn’t liked it then, but now it doesn’t sound so bad.
He leans back in his seat and closes his eyes, letting the sound of Chen’s soothing vocals wash over his thoughts as he drifts off into sleep.
-------
[From: Junmyeon(s Ugly Sweaters)]
Remember to call Luhan when you get there so you don’t get lost!
[To: Junmyeon(s Ugly Sweaters)]
hyung u worry 2 much. i won’t forget 2 call! ik Luhan’s not like u.
[From: Junmyeon(s Ugly Sweaters)]
What does that mean?
[To: Junmyeon(s Ugly Sweaters)]
he’s not like u! he doesn’t wear ugly sweaters that i can c from a mile away! kkkkk~
[From: Junmyeon(s Ugly Sweaters)]
>_< Don’t be a brat! I already have to deal with too many of those!
Baekhyun chuckles quietly and stuffs his phone in his pocket. When he hears the tone from the loudspeaker that indicates an announcement, he quickly shakes Jongdae awake as well so the other man can translate for him.
Ladies and Gentlemen, your train, number D160, final destination of Beijing West Station, is now reaching the final stop. All passengers, please gather your belongings and prepare for arrival. Thank you for your cooperation.
Baekhyun hastily makes a phone call to Luhan, who assures him that he and Zitao are already waiting for him at the station. After packing up all his belongings and the train finally pulls into the platform, he and Jongdae make their way out, walking through the station together until they catch sight of the exit.
“Hey, Jongdae…” Baekhyun turns around to face the other man as they come to a stop. Part of his brain is still reminding him about his policy, but he doesn’t think it matters after Jongdae has already accepted and befriended him. “I was wondering….well, Luhan and Zitao are taking me sightseeing around the city, and I was thinking, well, maybe you’d like to go with us? Maybe we could meet up tomorrow or something, or the day after?” He looks at the other man hopefully.
“I’m sorry, Baekhyun, but I’m afraid I can’t,” Jongdae tells him.
The answer surprises Baekhyun, since Jongdae had been so eager to explore Zhengzhou. Maybe Jongdae has already been to Beijing before, or maybe Jongdae think’s Baekhyun would be too much of a burden to be around, after what happened last time.
Jongdae must have sensed his disappointment, because he quickly offers an explanation. “I’d really love to go with you, Baekhyun, but I’m going to be busy with work for the next few days. I’ll probably have more time next week, though, so I’m sure we could find some time to meet up later. Plus, we have each other’s numbers now. I’ll call you, okay?”
Baekhyun nods. “Okay,” he agrees. It’s a bit silly, but he still feels slightly rejected. Scanning the area, he’s very relieved when spots Luhan standing near the exit. Or rather, he sees a man wearing a neon yellow shirt like Luhan had described to him. Based on the fact that he is currently waving in Baekhyun’s direction, Baekhyun can probably safely assume that he’s found his Chinese friend.
“I have to go. I’ll see you, Jongdae,” he says, pulling his suitcase behind him. He hears Jongdae call out a farewell, and Baekhyun turns back to smile at him one more time before quickly meeting up with Luhan.
Outside of the train station, a black Mercedes Benz is waiting for them. Luhan puts Baekhyun’s luggage in the trunk and gets in the front seat, and Baekhyun seats himself in the back.
“Hello!” The man in the driver’s seat, who Baekhyun assumes is Zitao, Luhan’s roommate, leans around the to get a good look at him. “How was your trip?” he asks in Korean. His accent isn’t too bad, Baekhyun notes. Luhan has been teaching him well.
The top of Zitao’s hair is dyed a bright cobalt-blue, and he’s wearing a black leather jacket. He has very distinctive eyes, Baekhyun thinks. Maybe they’ll even be recognizable after a while.
“It was fine. Thank you guys so much for picking me up this late,” Baekhyun replies.
“It’s no problem,” Zitao says politely.
“I wanted to leave you at the station to fend for yourself in a country where you can’t speak the language, but Zitao said that was too mean,” Luhan adds.
Baekhyun laughs. “I’ve missed you too, Luhan,” he says.
The older male turns around in his seat to give Baekhyun a glare. “That’s Luhan-hyung to you. Or Luhan-ge, since we’re in China right now.”
“Okay, ge~” Baekhyun sings, and Luhan smiles happily in satisfaction.
-------
“Guess what we’re doing today, Baekhyunnie?”
It’s seven in the morning, and Baekhyun has just been woken up by an excited Luhan and a fluffy pillow smothered in his face. “We’re going to Tiananmen Square! And then Wangfujing, because Zitao wants to go shopping! And then…” Luhan says dramatically, “we’re going to a concert! Fabulous, right?”
“A concert? What concert?” Baekhyun says drowsily, heaving himself up from Luhan’s bed. He had offered to take the couch last night, but Luhan had insisted. Meanwhile, Zitao had looked on jealously, whining that Luhan never allows him to even sit on his bed, yet he’s letting Baekhyun sleep in it.
“Surprise! I bought the three of us tickets to the Chen concert tonight!” Luhan cheers. “It was going to be last night, but his concert got pushed back a day! I was so scared because they almost cancelled it, and then we would have completely missed out.”
Baekhyun gapes at him. “Are you serious?”
“Of course! By the end of today, you’ll be a Chen fanboy, guaranteed,” Luhan promises, and Baekhyun groans at the thought.
-------
Luhan and Zitao decide to go all out with the fan gear, and somehow Baekhyun somehow finds himself wearing a glowing Chen headband and helping to hold a gigantic glowing sign with Chen’s face on it. Even so, the concert turns out to be much more enjoyable than he had expected. Maybe Luhan and Zitao’s excitement is rubbing off on him, but Baekhyun finds himself eagerly leaning forward in his seat in anticipation for Chen’s next performance.
“How is Chen’s Mandarin?” he asks Luhan, as they wait for the singer to start one of his Chinese ballads.
“Pretty good! Back when he released his first Mandarin track four years ago, it was terrible, but it’s really improved a lot!” Luhan tells him excitedly.
It’s a slow song, and the crowd sings along contentedly. It sounds absolutely beautiful, Baekhyun thinks, Chen’s beautiful high notes blending with the harmony of the crowd’s voices.
-------
“Two caramel lattes and one original bubble tea!” the girl behind the counter calls out.
“That’s our order, Baekhyunnie! Can you get the drinks for us?” Luhan asks, and Baekhyun obliges, rising from his seat and making his way to the front of the coffee shop.
He’s trying to figure out how he can grab the bubble tea when he’s already holding two caramel lattes when someone else reaches around him and lifts the third cup off the counter.
“Need a hand?”
Baekhyun turns around at the sound of Korean, expecting Zitao, only to find himself face to face with a stranger instead.
“Thanks,” he says, “Can you bring that over to my table?”
“Of course. And if you need help with anything else, like breaking disposable chopsticks, or cleaning up spilled Pepsi, I can do that, too,” the other man says. He’s wearing a teasing grin on his lips, and Baekhyun looks at him again, astonished.
“Jongdae?”
“Nice to know you still remember,” Jongdae responds, and Baekhyun finds himself smiling.
“I can’t believe you’re here!” Baekhyun gushes, “What happened to your hair? Do you want to sit with us? I can finally introduce you to my friends.”
Baekhyun sets down his coffee mugs on their table. “Luhan, Zitao, I want you to meet someone,” he announces, grabbing his two friends’ attention. “This is--”
“Oh my god! Oh my god!” Baekhyun’s words are drowned out as Luhan and Zitao both jump up from their seats, staring at Jongdae with wide eyes.
“Chen! ” Luhan exclaims excitedly. Beside him, Zitao has already pulled out his cell phone.
“Chen, I’m a huge fan! Can I get a picture with you, please?” the younger man begs.
Baekhyun looks around in confusion. “What? No, this is Jongdae, the friend I met--”
“We went to your concert last week!” Luhan says, ignoring Baekhyun completely, “All three of us, we were at your concert! I’ve been a fan since your debut! Can I get an autograph, please?”
“Luhan, stop!” Baekhyun says loudly, hushing Luhan to be quiet. “What is going on here?” he demands at the three of his friends, completely bewildered at their reactions.
“Um…” Jongdae begins, and Baekhyun focuses his attention on him. “I...well, I guess you went to my concert last night?” Baekhyun stares at him blankly, and the other man tries again. “I mean...hi? Nice to meet you? I’m Chen? Birth name, Kim Jongdae, stage name, Chen?”
“Wait, you’ve met Chen before? And you didn’t tell us?” Luhan looks at Baekhyun in amazement.
Baekhyun feels extremely dizzy and disoriented. “I met Jongdae before. I…” he looks back at the friend he had met just a week ago. There’s no way, he thinks. But then again…“Are you Jongdae? Or are you Chen?” he asks the other man. “Who are you? ”
“Jongdae and Chen are the same person, Baekhyun,” Zitao asserts. There’s a silence. Slowly, the situation begins to make sense to Baekhyun.
“Baekhyun, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you, I--”
Baekhyun spins around to fully face Jongdae. “You’re Chen? This whole time, you were Chen?”
“Yes, I’m so sor--”
“You lied! ” Baekhyun says, outraged. “This whole time! That’s why you kept avoiding all those personal questions, and, and…” he suddenly realizes that the whole time that he’s been bashing Chen, he’s also been bashing Jongdae, and he feels like a horrible person. “This whole time, you were making fun of me! You must have thought it was so funny that I had no idea who you were! Even after I told you about my face-blindness, you still kept pretending, and you must have found it amusing, like this was some sort of game or something…”
Tears of frustration are forming in his eyes. Luhan and Zitao are staring at him, and Jongdae is silent. “I can’t believe this!” Baekhyun chokes. Angrily, he stomps across the coffee shop, making his way to the exit.
“Baekhyun!” Someone is yelling after him, and Baekhyun quickly pushes opens the doors, running outside. He doesn’t want to deal with Jongdae, or Chen, anymore.
He’s several steps down the sidewalk when he stumbles over a loose brick. Strong hands reach out from behind to prevent his fall.
“Byun Baekhyun! Stop running and listen to me, please!” Jongdae shouts. Baekhyun tries to shake him off, but Jongdae is persistent, and finally manages to tug Baekhyun around to face him. Baekhyun tries to look away. He’s pretty sure his eyes are red from practically crying, and he doesn’t want Jongdae to see him like this.
“Can you just listen to me for a second?” Jongdae asks, staring at Baekhyun imploringly. “Just let me explain, okay?” He pulls Baekhyun over closer to the building, where they won’t be standing in everyone’s way. When he’s sure that Baekhyun no longer appears to have the intention of running away, Jongdae finally lets go of him.
“I’m really sorry that I didn’t tell you have I was,” he begins, “but there’s a reason I didn’t want you to know, and I want you to hear me out, okay?
“When I first talked to you on the train, the first thing you told me was that you didn’t like Chen. I wasn’t sure if you really didn’t recognize me, or you were just joking or being mean. I thought maybe you didn’t actually know much about Chen at all. But then you mentioned some of his songs-I mean, my songs-and I found out that you did know Chen, after all, but you really didn’t recognize me in person. It was...well, honestly, it was really nice, actually, meeting someone who didn't like Chen but liked me as Jongdae. A lot of times, the people who do like Chen...they never actually like me for me, you know? They only like the cool, charismatic version of Chen. No one wants just Kim Jongdae.”
Baekhyun feels a bit sorry for him now, but he presses his lips together without any sort of response.
“I know you think that I was making fun of you or something,” Jongdae continues, “but that’s not true at all. After you told me so much about yourself, that’s when I knew that I had to tell you about me, too. But honestly, I was a little scared, too. I was afraid you’d be even more upset, or maybe you wouldn’t like me anymore, since, you don’t like Chen, and, well, I’m Chen.”
Some of the people passing by them on the sidewalk are giving them strange glances, but Jongdae pays them no attention. “Baekhyun, I’m really sorry. Really. Please forgive me?”
He’s pouting now, and seeing that face immediately has Baekhyun losing all of his ability to stay mad at Jongdae. It was time for Baekhyun to end this tragedy speech.
“Okay,” he finally says, “I forgive you.”
Jongdae breaks into a relieved smile, and he pulls Baekhyun into a hug. It’s a nice hug. Baekhyun decides he likes the feeling of being in Jongdae’s arms.
“Will you let me take you out for coffee?” Jongdae asks.
Baekhyun pulls away from the embrace. “I just ordered coffee,” he points out.
“I know, but let’s go somewhere else. Just the two of us. A date,” Jongdae offers. “You can tell your friends where you’re going, and then I’ll stay with you the whole time. So you don’t get lost,” Jongdae says, and Baekhyun thinks his heart is going to melt.
-------
“So... I've kind of been telling you I hate you all this time, I guess.”
“Pretty much.” Jongdae chuckles when he sees Baekhyun's worried expression. “It’s alright, really. I knew I could make you fall for my wonderful charms. You came to my concert, after all.”
Baekhyun feels himself blushing against his will. “Yeah, well, you still can’t dance,” Baekhyun tells him, and Jongdae makes a face and sips his Americano. “Also, you changed your hair.”
Jongdae nods swiping at hand across his blonde bangs. “I’m filming a new music video,” he says. “That’s why I couldn’t meet up with you last week. I was afraid you really wouldn’t remember who I was,” he admitted.
“Well, it wouldn’t be the first time,” Baekhyun says, licking whipped cream off the rim of his cup.
“Or the second.” Jongdae smirks. “There was the Pepsi, too. That you spilled all over me.”
“Spilled over...you?” Baekhyun gapes at him. “What was that really you that I almost ran over in the dining car?”
“Yeah, “Jongdae affirms. Then he hesitates. “Now that you know, you aren’t going to run away again, are you?”
Baekhyun shakes his head. “I don’t understand, though. You weren't wearing a white suit when I saw you in your seat.”
“Of course not,” Jongdae retorts,”I changed out of it after you ruined it.”
“Oh. Sorry about that,” Baekhyun apologizes sheepishly.
“It’s okay. I was going to change later, and I never liked white, anyway. Minseok hyung might kill me for it, though.”
-------
They meet up on several other days while both of them are in Beijing. Most of the time they spend together is used on short coffee dates between Jongdae’s MV filming and schedules. Occasionally Jongdae tags to a few of the places Baekhyun visits with Luhan and Zitao, like the Temple of Heaven and Chaoyang Park.
Sometimes, Baekhyun finds his eyes lingering just a little too long on Jongdae’s face, and sometimes, he loses himself in the other’s emotions. Looking people in the face has always given him a distant and uncomfortable feeling, but Jongdae’s expressions are fascinating, always spontaneous and unrestrained. He falls even more in love with Jongdae’s smile, and he can never stop marveling at how genuine and carefree Jongdae looks when he’s happy. Its image he can only wish to commit to memory. Instead, Baekhyun settles for memorizing the sound of Jongdae’s laughter and the little bursts of delight in his chest whenever he hears the Jongdae’s voice, right by his side.
-------
The days go by quickly, and before Baekhyun knows it, two weeks have passed, and it’s already time for Jongdae to leave. Luckily, the time they will spend together in the future has no such expiration date. “You’ll call me when you get to Seoul, right?” Jongdae asks, and Baekhyun grins happily, almost wishing his vacation ended a few days earlier just so they could see each other again even sooner.
“You’re going to have to tell me what you look like,” he tells Jongdae with a more serious expression.
“Actually,” Jongdae says, smiling as he reaches into his pocket, “I have a gift for you.”
“A gift?” Baekhyun accepts the small black box with both hands. “What is it?”
“Something for you to remember me by,” Jongdae says mysteriously as Baekhyun carefully opens the box. A silver necklace lies inside, nestled in white tissue paper. The charm looks like a miniature, rounded rod, with one slightly larger square end and one smaller, rounded end.
“Is this…?” Baekhyun picks up the rod, holding it closer for further examination.
Jongdae grins, pulling his own necklace out from where it lay hidden underneath his shirt. It matches Baekhyun’s exactly. “Chopsticks,” he clarifies proudly. “I had them custom made! They’re magnetic, too.”
“Seriously?” Baekhyun gives the other an incredulous look. Jongdae simply steps closer and leans down, holding out the tiny chopstick on his necklace closer to its pair. When the two small rods are about an inch apart, the chopstick charm between Baekhyun’s fingers flies out, clinging to the one around Jongdae’s neck.
“Let me help you put it on,” Jongdae says, and Baekhyun lets Jongdae wrap the thin silver chain around his neck, leaving the charm hanging over the outside of his shirt. “Now you won’t lose me so easily~” Jongdae teases.
If anything, Baekhyun thinks, it should be the other way around. He was the one who had once been lost. Jongdae is his life jacket now, keeping him floating above the sea of unfamiliar faces.
“Thank you,” he tells Jongdae, pulling him closer for a kiss. The necklace is a simple gesture, something small, but strangely enough, it makes Baekhyun feel safer. It’s a nice feeling, knowing that he has someone to be his anchor, making sure that he is always within sight, keeping him from drifting too far away. Baekhyun rests his chin on Jongdae’s shoulder, and between them, the two chopsticks fasten together again, naturally finding their way to each other.
Some people, Baekhyun thinks,you’ll always know by heart.
Additional Author's Notes:
The first time I learned about prosopagnosia, or face-blindness, I immediately wanted to write a fic about it, and I thought it might mesh with this prompt nicely. I do not have any personal experiences relating with this cognitive disorder, but I tried to portray Baekhyun's experiences and feelings to the best of my ability. Thank you all for reading.
Recipient: sinisterkids
Rating: PG-13
Side pairing/s: none
Word Count: 9220 words
Summary: It’s a long train ride, and Baekhyun has never liked strangers or adventures or the Korean pop singer Chen, but somehow, he does develop a liking for a certain man named Kim Jongdae.
Warning/s: very brief mentions of homophobic behavior
Notes: My dear recipient, I’m afraid your longtrainride!au turned out slightly different than you asked for, but I hope you’ll still enjoy the read! Thank you for the prompts; I had such a wonderful time writing this. Special thanks to K and L for your support.
Attention, please! Passengers for train D160, your train is about to depart. This is the last call for D160 passengers. If you have not yet boarded, please make your way to platform A30 immediately. Thank you for your cooperation.
“Sorry, sorry, coming through!”
The young man he runs into lets out a yelp as his hat flies off of his head, and the group of young girls yell out surprised squawks as he barrels past them, almost tripping over himself as he shoots down the last flight of steps.
21, 20, 19, 18, 17...
The bright red numbers painted on the sides of the cars blur in his vision as he frantically runs down the almost empty platform.
15, 13, 14, 12, 11…
Skidding to a stop in front of the tenth train car, he heaves up his suitcase and leaps on board. The attendant standing inside, who had been just about to close the door, jumps back in surprise.
That was close.
Before he can even open his mouth to apologize to the car attendant, the train starts moving, and Baekhyun ends up stumbling backwards into the dining car, right into the man standing behind him at the end of the aisle. Who also happens to be carrying a can of Pepsi. Which is most likely empty, if the large brown splatters now covering the man’s white suit jacket were any indication.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” Baekhyun exclaims, scrambling up from the ground. “I woke up really late and couldn’t hail a taxi so I had to take a bus and then there was traffic and I thought I wasn’t even going to make the train and yeah, I’m really clumsy when I’m in a hurry--"
He doesn’t get to finish before the other man glares at Baekhyun and maneuvers around him in two graceful steps, disappears into the next car.
Baekhyun sighs, picking up his luggage to look for his seat, feeling slightly guilty.
-------
A few minutes later, Baekhyun finally makes his way to his seat without causing any other damage. Sitting in the seat next to his is a young man, probably in his twenties, dressed casually in a black hoodie and talking very loudly on his cell phone. Baekhyun raises his suitcase, attempting to stuff it onto the overhead rack, but ends up pushing over a plastic bag full of packaged snack foods and ramen noodles, which overflows onto the ground below his seat.
The man in the seat next to him gives him a rather judgmentally as he hangs up, but helps him pick up then fallen items anyway. “Those are mine. You can just give me the bag,” he tells Baekhyun, who nods and hands over the rest of the snacks, rather embarrassed by the incident, but a bit relieved to find out that other man was Korean. Not that it mattered, considering they probably weren’t going to make conversation. At least, Baekhyun hoped not. It probably wouldn’t be so bad, since they likely won’t ever see each other again, but meeting new people still makes him nervous.
At first, it appeared as though he hadn’t needed to worry. Baekhyun settles down in his seat comfortably, the other man’s phone goes off again, and he scrambles to answer it. His ringtone, Baekhyun notes distastefully, is a Chen song. Apparently his music tastes are almost as awful as his 3D dinosaur phone case.
Baekhyun takes a few seconds to shift his backpack into a spot under the seat in front of him. Then, taking out his own cell phone, he takes a moment to check his hair with his camera before scrolling through his other messages. He’s in the midst of replying to Luhan (just got on the train, hyung! see u @ the station! ), only to be disrupted when he hears loud music blasting from his right. He can already tell it’s another annoying song by the Korean pop idol Chen.
Caught between wanting to tell him off and just going back to browsing through his own his cell phone, Baekhyun doesn’t realize he’s been staring until the other man speaks.
“Wanna listen?” he offers, holding out one of his ear buds.
Surprised, Baekhyun shakes his head. “I don’t like Chen,” he tells the other man. He concentrates on extending one foot forward to nudge his backpack toward him.
“Really?” Ugly-phone-case guy looks extremely surprised. “Ah, but I bet you haven’t heard much of his music, have you?” he assumes, leaning forward in his seat.
“Actually, yes, I have.” Baekhyun responds. He’s managed to maneuver his backpack between his feet. “I have friends who are fans, but I still think Chen is really obnoxious. And he doesn’t sing anything except love songs.”
Baekhyun reaches down to rummage through his bag as the other man frowns. “So? What’s wrong with love songs? Everyone sings love songs, not just Chen,” the man protests.
“But Chen’s love songs are dumb.”
“Hey! That’s not true!” The other man exclaims as Baekhyun finally fishes out his own pair of headphones from his bag and places them over his ears. His seat mate looks rather affronted and looks like he wants to protest more, but Baekhyun simply shrugs and looks down at his Chen-free playlist. He has better things to do than get into a long argument with an obsessed fanboy.
Unfortunately, the other man seems a bit over-friendly.
“I’m making ramen.” Chen-fanboy reaches down to grab the plastic bag closest to him, pulling out one of the food packages and ripping it open. “Do you want some?” he offers, and Baekhyun feels his stomach grumble.
Normally he would be polite and refuse, but he had skipped lunch today in his rush to make the train. In the end, Baekhyun’s hunger wins out. “Okay,” he agrees, watching as his seatmate opens up two containers of ramen, placing them on the mini fold-down table attached to the back of the seats in front of them.
“I’m Kim Jongdae, by the way,” the other man says as he pours in the water he retrieved from the hot water fountain. He places the kimchi flavored noodles in front of Baekhyun and slides him a pair of chopsticks, keeping the spicy shrimp ramen for himself.
“Byun Baekhyun,” he introduces, and thanks the other man for the noodles. Baekhyun folds closed the lid on his container and the Jongdae does the same, both waiting for their ramen to soften and cool down enough to eat.
“So tell me about why you don’t like Chen.”
“I don’t know, is it really that important?” Baekhyun shrugs. He hates making conversation on trains, but he doesn’t want to seem rude. He was eating Jongdae’s ramen, after all. “I don’t hate him, I just don’t like him. He has a great voice and all, I can’t deny that, and there aren’t many other young idols out there that can make it without being strikingly handsome.”
“How do you know he’s not handsome? You don’t even know what he looks like!” Jongdae blurts out. “Or at least…” He’s looking rather upset, and Baekhyun feels a little bad.
“I just feel like he could be doing way better than what he’s doing now. Like, his debut track “Breath”? The duet with Zhang Liyin? That one was a novelty. But now, SM just keeps making him do these upbeat dance videos, and he can’t dance at all.” Baekhyun breaks apart his wooden chopsticks. They split unevenly at the top, and he frowns a bit. He hates using disposable chopsticks.
“Here, have mine, I’ll get another pair,” Jongdae offers, handing Baekhyun his pair of perfectly split chopsticks, which Baekhyun accepts. “So are you saying that if Chen were to start singing that kind of stuff again, you might actually like him?”
“Maybe,” Baekhyun responds, smiling as he looks down at his ramen. The noodles have finally cooled down enough, and he picks up a big bite. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see the other male smiling as well.
“There is hope for you yet,” Jongdae decides.
-------
“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen…”
Baekhyun looks up from his book to listen as the conductor makes an announcement through the train’s loudspeaker. It’s the first time so far that the announcement hasn’t been automatic, and he listens, trying to make out message. It’s a long announcement, and Baekhyun ends up largely stumped by the language barrier. Next to him, however, Jongdae groans in displeasure.
“What’s wrong? What did he say?” Baekhyun asks.
The look on Jongdae’s face is not a happy one. “There’s been a delay. Apparently another train ahead of us broke down,” he translates. “They have to evacuate all of the passengers from the broken train, and they’ve closed that section of the railway, so now all of the other trains are behind schedule as well. We’re about halfway to Beijing, pretty close to Zhengzhou right now, so our train is going to pull into Zhengzhou East Station until the railway is open again. We might be stuck here for five hours.”
“Five hours? ” Baekhyun says, appalled. The nine hour train ride from Changsha to Beijing was long enough to begin with. “What are we going to do for five hours? Sit here and wait?” He pulls out his phone to text Luhan the bad news.
“We could tour the city,” Jongdae suggests. “The Shaolin Temple is here, right? And the Yellow River.”
Baekhyun can’t tell if Jongdae is joking or not. “I don’t think we have that much time,” he points out. The conductor has just begun making his way down the train, and Baekhyun watches as he is immediately bombarded with questions from several passengers.
“Have a sense of adventure!” Jongdae runs a hand through his messy black hair before picking up a black snapback from inside his backpack and it on his head. He turns the brim around dramatically, sitting up straight to gaze down at Baekhyun, who can’t help but laugh and shake his head at the other man’s silly antics.
“No adventures? Okay, restaurant, then.” Jongdae acquiesces. “Food is always good, and any place is better than just sitting around in a train station. What do you say?”
It’s oddly enticing. Part of him wants to hold back and worry about something happening, but it’s been a long time since Baekhyun’s had the confidence to spend time getting to know random people, and Jongdae is more of a relaxing presence than an agitating one.
“Okay,” Baekhyun agrees, watching with mesmerization, as Jongdae beams at him, lips curling into a wide smile. It’s a beautiful sight, and he thinks it’s a pity he can’t capture that pretty smile for his memories.
-------
They end up at a dumpling restaurant not far away from the train station because Baekhyun insisted on staying close for fear of missing their train and being stranded in Zhengzhou forever.
“So what brings you to China?” asks Jongdae as they both order randomly and wait for their early dinner to arrive.
“I’m visiting my friends. Junmyeon-hyung and I both flew from Seoul to visit our Chinese friend in Changsha, and now I’m off to Beijing to see another old friend. How about you?”
“Just some things for work,” Jongdae replies, “Meeting with some colleagues for one of our projects.”
Their food arrives in the form of two large plates of dumplings, one with seafood filling, and one with chive and egg. Jongdae breaks Baekhyun’s chopsticks for him without the latter even having to ask, and they both smile.
“Tell me about your friends,” Jongdae says, and Baekhyun obliges. He tells him about how Junmyeon and Yixing had met each other as exchange students in high school but are still good friends, and he tells Jongdae about Luhan, his old roommate in college, who is now back in Beijing living with a new roommate named Zitao and their lives as obnoxious Chen fanboys.
“Sounds like I’d get along with them, then,” Jongdae remarks, laughing. “Maybe I could even meet them someday.”
You can, Baekhyun almost says, you could meet up with us in Beijing. Instead, he reminds himself on his own policy and keeps his mouth shut, simply nodding in agreement.
Suddenly, a Chen song starts playing out of nowhere. Baekhyun snorts when he realizes that the source of the music is Jongdae’s ringtone. The other man puts his chopsticks down and reaches for his cell phone.
“Hello? Minseok-hyung?” Jongdae turns away slightly as he takes the call. “You rescheduled it...to tomorrow? Okay...I’m eating at a restaurant now with my friend, someone I met on the train...no, not a girl,” Jongdae says, rolling his eyes, “I know, don’t worry, nobody here is paying attention anyway...okay, bye!” He hangs up and sets his phone on the table.
Baekhyun eyes the object with distaste. “Your phone case is hideous, by the way” he says, dipping his dumping in a saucer of black vinegar.
Jongdae pouts childishly. “I like it,” he whines, “Minseok-hyung says it suits my personality very well.”
Who's Minseok? Baekhyun asks, remembering Jongdae's earlier conversation on the phone.
"My manager," Jongdae says. Baekhyun is about to ask Jongdae more about his job, but Jongdae beats him to it instead. He asks Baekhyun if he’s working or studying, and Baekhyun tells him that he’s a literature major. In the end, somehow, their conversation winds around to the topic of music again.
“It’s nothing, really,” Baekhyun says. He had mentioned that he liked to sing, and Jongdae had seemed especially interested. “I used to have a friend who played the guitar,” Baekhyun explains, “and sometimes he’d play and I’d sing a bit. I never took it really seriously.”
They sit and chat for a while longer, and then they leave the dumpling restaurant and stroll leisurely down the street. Jongdae stops to buy them drinks and comes back with two iced bottles of water.
“Didn’t want you to spill it, like you did with the Pepsi,” he says, handing one of the bottles over to Baekhyun.
“Pepsi?” Baekhyun asks, confused. Then he remembers the incident on the train. “Ah, wait,” he chuckes, “did you witness my terrible display of clumsiness earlier?” Baekhyun isn’t not sure how Jongdae could have seen him from where he had been sitting, but how else would the other man know about that? “I didn’t mean to trip and run into him, but seriously, who wears white suits on train rides?” He smiles up at Jongdae, but the other doesn’t laugh. Instead he’s looking at Baekhyun strangely. Baekhyun has seen that look on other people before, and it’s a look he dreads receiving, because it means he has been talking nonsense, or that he has somehow messed up.
Before he can analyze what his mistake had been, however, Jongdae stops walking. Baekhyun looks ahead and sees two teenage girls standing a few feet away from them. They’re waving, and one of them is jumping up and down excitedly, yelling something in Mandarin.
“Do you know them?” he asks curiously.
“Um...no. I don’t know them.” Jongdae suddenly looks apprehensive. “They’re probably waving at someone else. Let’s just…go this way.” Jongdae turns sharply to the right and walks away quickly, and Baekhyun rushes to follow. They end up in an open square full of people and stands full of snacks and souvenirs, dodging around people as they make their way through. Someone steps on Baekhyun’s foot, and he nearly runs over a vendor selling lamb skewers. By the time Baekhyun has pushed his way out of the crowd, Jongdae is nowhere in sight.
He scans the area ahead of him, then looks back at the outdoor marketplace, packed full of people. Was Jongdae still somewhere among the crowd, or had he kept going straight ahead? Or maybe he had turned down one of the side streets, or is waiting for Baekhyun inside one of the stores on the side of the road. But even if he knew which way Jongdae had gone, there was an extremely high likelihood that Baekhyun would not even be able to recognize him.
He makes his way to a nearby bench and sits down, thinking hard. He tries to remember what clothes the other male had been wearing, yet he can’t help but second-guess himself. Jongdae had worn a brown jacket, right? Or maybe it was black. Or was black the color of the hoodie he had been wearing inside his jacket? Had Jongdae even been wearing a jacket at all?
Don't panic, don't panic, he thinks to himself. Jongdae is looking for me, too. Maybe if I just wait here...
Baekhyun tries to think of his other options. He has his phone on him, but he can’t call Jongdae because he doesn’t have his number. He knows he’s not too far away from the train station, but he’d been following Jongdae around earlier and hadn’t bothered to remember the way, and the GPS on his phone doesn’t work outside of South Korea. He doesn’t know enough Mandarin to ask a local, and he doubts he can easily find someone who speaks Korean. If worse comes to worst, he could call Luhan...and then what? Luhan was in Beijing, not Zhengzhou.
It’s no use. He feels his chest start to tighten, and he can’t stop the rush of anxiety that overcomes him, terrible past memories cascading upon him like a waterfall tearing through a carefully constructed dam.
He was four and he was at the supermarket, shopping with his family. He ran off to look at ice cream section while his brother was trying to convince his mother to buy him a toy truck. He got lost, and spent fifteen minutes running around the store before an employee found him crying in the canned foods section because he didn’t know where his family was.
He was ten, and his class was on at field trip at the Seoul Zoo. He was listening to one of the zoologists explain how elephants take baths when he looked around and realized his teacher and classmates were nowhere to be seen. He was relieved when he found the group of kids in school uniforms again, only to realize as they were leaving for the bus that he had actually ended up with a group of kids from a different school instead.
He was eighteen and was at a party, making out with his made out with his girlfriend. Later, he found out that the person he was kissing was not his girlfriend at all; was not even a girl at all.
He was looking into the mirror after he woke up, and just like every morning, he saw the reflection of stranger staring back at him.
His vision feels blurry. Something wet falls on the hand in his lap, and he realizes that he’s crying. He wipes the tears away angrily. He hates it all. He hates his prosopagnosia. He hates whatever caused the stupid train to break down. He hates how he’s stuck here alone and helpless, he hates Jongdae for taking him here, he hates himself for making friends with a stranger and bringing this awful fate upon himself-“
“Baekhyun!” The sudden call of his name has him spinning around, searching for the speaker.
“Baekhyun!” The sound is coming from his left. He turns, and sees a man wearing a black snapback and a brown jacket running towards him. “There you are!” the man says, panting heavily as he comes to a stop a few feet away.
“Jongdae…?” Baekhyun croaks, staring at the other man.
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you after we left the square so I thought you might have gone ahead, and then I couldn’t find you anywhere...Sorry, I should have gotten your number earlier so we could have just called, I was…” Jongdae pauses mid-sentence, sensing that something is off. He walks closer and sits on the bench next to him. “Baekhyun?” he sounds concerned. “Are you okay? Baekhyun, what’s wrong?”
What’s wrong? He doesn’t look at Jongdae. Instead, he stares down at his fingers. They’re shaking, and feels absolutely ridiculous. This is embarrassing. Closing his eyes, he takes several deep breaths and wills the anxiety to go away. Jongdae is here now, he tells himself. I’m not lost anymore.
When he finally looks up, Jongdae smiles and wraps an arm around Baekhyun. It’s a comforting gesture, and it makes Baekhyun feels much calmer.
He tells Jongdae he wants to talk, but before he can offer an explanation for his breakdown, Jongdae insists on leading Baekhyun to a small tea shop tucked away in one of the side streets. He orders hot tea for both of them. Baekhyun is not completely sure why he wants to do this, but all the feelings he had kept bottled up inside for so long are overflowing. So he finally lets them flow, and he tells Jongdae the full story. His story.
*****
As a kid, he had never been able to make friends easily because it seemed as if each kid he played with would never show up again. Every day, there would be a whole bunch of new kids that he had never met. His parents had thought it was a phase, and after Baekhyun finally noticed the patterns and found various ways to tell each person apart, it was a little better. Still, any new friends he made never seemed to last. But Baekhyun didn’t mind much, because at least he had one friend, and that was Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo and Baekhyun were friends by default, because their mothers had been friends. Kyungsoo was quiet, and like Baekhyun, he didn’t have many friends either. In elementary school, they would play on the swings together, eat lunch together, and wait in the school courtyard together while waiting for their parents to take them home.
It was in junior high that his friendship with Kyungsoo finally ended. For a while, the two friends had been growing more distant. At first Baekhyun had simply attributed it to the increased amount of schoolwork keeping them busy, but soon weeks passed, and then months, and Kyungsoo never seemed to be around.
One morning, he finally saw Kyungsoo at school. Kyungsoo’s hair was cropped short, and he almost hadn’t recognized his friend until he had heard the other boy humming the Pororo theme song as he passed him in the hallway. Baekhyun had quickly caught up to Kyungsoo with a cheerful smile, intending on saying hi, only to be shocked when the other had given him the cold shoulder and told Baekhyun that he didn’t want to be friends anymore. Kyungsoo had called Baekhyun a weirdo. Kyungsoo had told him that Baekhyun was the worst friend ever and that he was tired of being ignored. When Baekhyun mentioned that he simply hadn’t seen Kyungsoo around anywhere, Kyungsoo angrily listed off a dozen places where he had seen Baekhyun within the past two months, and he told Baekhyun that each of those times, Baekhyun had walked right past Kyungsoo, brushing him off without a word.
When he later commented on Kyungsoo’s new hairstyle while talking to another classmate, the other kid gave Baekhyun a strange look and informed him that Kyungsoo’s hair has been the same for the past semester.
Baekhyun felt like a terrible person for not paying attention to his friends, and he thought that he deserved those harsh words from Kyungsoo. It wasn’t until his last year of junior high, however, that he finally found out what the real problem was.
In history class that year, they had to memorize the faces of important political figures. The other students didn’t seem to have any problem matching the names of past presidents and monarchs to the famous faces. Baekhyun, on the other hand, didn’t understand how his classmates could handle the task. All he knows is that without any living and speaking mannerisms, there was no way for him to tell each person’s picture apart from the previous one.
“And who can tell me who this man is?” his teacher had asked, pointing to the last man in the picture she was showing. Hands shot up all around the classroom.
“Baekhyun? Do you know the answer?” The other kids in the classroom turned around in their chairs to stare at him, waiting for him to speak. Baekhyun had shrunk down in his seat, feeling even more nervous from all the scrutiny.
“I don’t know, Songsaenim,” he said quietly.
The teacher frowned. “Surely you’ve seen him on TV, or in the newspaper,” she had prompted.
Baekhyun stared harder at the face in the picture. Black hair, glasses, a nose, a mouth. It looked like every other face to him. He willed his brain to try harder, but no name comes to mind. Baekhyun shook his head, looking down at his desk.
The teacher had finally answered for him. “The president. This is our nation’s tenth president,” she told him. “Please try harder next time, Byun Baekhyun,” she added disapprovingly, and the students in the class had snickered as Baekhyun continued to gaze downward.
His parents had looked at him in concern after they received a phone call from his teacher, informing them of his difficulties in class and suggesting that he possibly needed glasses. His parents had looked even more bewildered after receiving his eye exam results, which showed that their son had perfect vision.
When they went home that day, he thought his parents had dropped the issue. But later that night, however, he heard his mother and father talking in hushed voices to each other, and the next day, he found himself sitting in another examination room with a different doctor.
It had taken another talk between his doctor and him, several discussions with his parents, several computer tests, and an even more extensive fMRI test before his doctor comes to a conclusion.
Some people acquire it when they injure or damage their nervous system. Some people, like Baekhyun, are born with it. The doctor had tried to explain it to him in a way he would understand. It’s a problem with a specific area in his right brain. It’s not extremely rare. About 1 in 50 people have the condition, and to be diagnosed at age 14 is considered early. Many people don’t find out until they are well into their adult years, and some people even live their entire lives without knowing that they have any sort of problem. There is no cure, but luckily, it isn’t something extremely harmful, either. In short, Baekhyun’s life will continue on as it always had, only now, he had a name for the condition he’s had since birth.
He doesn’t have trouble seeing, and he doesn’t have memory problems. He has prosopagnosia, the inability to recognize faces. Face-blindness.
It was almost a relief to him because of how much sense it made.
Baekhyun can see that his teacher has short, permed hair and that his brother has a slightly crooked smile. He can describe the exact color of his mother’s eyes when he looks at them. He can find Chanyeol in a crowd just by his height and the way he walks, and he can tell his father’s distinctive voice by the way he talks.
But if he were to look at their entire faces, only their faces, he knows no one. They all look like complete strangers.
Finding out that he was face-blind was a relief, but it was also burden. It was the first time Baekhyun learned that unlike himself, most people do not need to resort to memorizing hairstyles and behavioral patterns in order to recognize someone, and will know the president’s face without the visual cues of a podium and a Korean flag. It was fascinating to him, how people could simply look at a face and just know, and also frustrating, because it was an ability he didn’t have.
It also brought on whole new set of worries. Baekhyun had always thought it was strange how he never saw any of his classmates outside of school. Now he realized that maybe he does, but just never recognizes them. The people who greet him at the supermarket, or on the bus, or at school, the ones whom he thought he had never met before-how many of them were actually his neighbors and acquaintances? What did they think of him all the times he never waved back and never greeted them because he simply couldn’t tell who they were?
The summer before starting senior high, Baekhyun’s family ended up moving to a different area in the city. His parents had thought it was a good idea. The new school was much supposed to be newer and much better than his old one, and Baekhyun had never liked his old school, anyway. Unfortunately, however, a different school district also meant completely different kids and different teachers-a whole new set of faces, and a whole new set of challenges.
“Good morning,” his teacher had greeted him the first time he walked through the classroom door. “Your name, please?” Baekhyun had responded accordingly, and the teacher had nodded and hummed in recognition. This time, his parents had already informed the school about his cognitive impairment and made sure that his teachers would be aware of his face-blindness as well. “Did you get your textbooks? Good, you can sit next to Park Chanyeol there in the back.”
One of the kids, presumably “Park Chanyeol,” grinned and waved at him near the back of the classroom. He’s extremely tall, Baekhyun noted, and the desk almost appeared too small for him.
“Hi!” he greets Baekhyun as soon as he sat down. “I like your DBSK shirt. They’re my favorite band! U-Know Yunho is so swag!” The kid seemed friendly, but Baekhyun had still felt nervous and awkward.
“What does ‘swag’ mean?” Baekhyun had asked timidly.
The other boy thinks for a while. “I don’t know!” he finally said, “but they say it a lot in American songs!” Then he bursted into laughter as if this was somehow funny. At the front of the room, the teacher had turned around to glare at the source of the disturbance, tapping the chalkboard with her pointer to regain the two boys’ attention.
The rest of that day, they had spent their breaks between classes talking about music. Chanyeol, who already had lots of friends in their class, even called Baekhyun over to sit with them at lunch.
Baekhyun eventually decided he likes Chanyeol. Part of it was because Chanyeol always stood out above the crowd, literally, since he was about six inches taller than everyone else. Baekhyun slowly learned the other boy’s distinctive characteristics: big ears, big smile, and a bouncy gait that reminds him of large, over-excited puppy dogs.
Sometimes Chanyeol would invite him over and they would sing together. Chanyeol would play a few of DBSK’s slow songs on the guitar, filling in the rap while Baekhyun hit all the high notes. Other times, Baekhyun had watched Chanyeol play his own compositions by himself. On those days, he would take the time to study the other male, trying to memorize all the little things about him, from the shape of his round eyes to the way his large hands looked positioned on the guitar.
He had made sure to take in every detail, because even though he could fit in much better at his new school and had friends to hang out with now, Baekhyun still feared. He feared finding himself lost among a crowd of strangers, too scared to ask people for help because what if it turns out to be the wrong person, what if it turns out to be someone he knows, what if they misunderstand? So he stays close to Chanyeol, his landmark, his safety net, the one he thought he could always return to.
*****
Jongdae is a good listener. He knows how to ask the right questions and interjects the right consolations, and it puts Baekhyun at ease. Baekhyun never would have thought he would reveal so much about himself to someone he had just met him hours ago, but it feels like he and Jongdae known each other for much longer. They sip their tea, and Baekhyun wonders how all this could happen within five extra hours.
“Sometimes I think I make too big of a deal out of it,” Baekhyun says.
Jongdae shakes his head in disagreement. “If it’s important to you, then it should be a big deal. Everybody’s life has a bit of tragedy in it. Sometimes, it’s hard for us to understand the tragedies in other people’s lives. Especially when to other people, they seem more like blessings.”
It’s a sentenced packed full of meaning that Baekhyun doesn’t understand.
“What is your biggest tragedy, Kim Jongdae?” Baekhyun asks. He doesn’t really expect Jongdae to tell him, but the other man actually ponders the question, tapping his finger to his chin thoughtfully.
“There are a few that I can think of,” he finally answers, “but I would say...coming out to my family.” Baekhyun thinks he sees a hint of sadness in Jongdae’s smile, but it doesn’t look any less beautiful and genuine.
Baekhyun looks down at his tea and thinks about that part of his own story, the part he had kept hidden.
-------
He hadn’t told Jongdae about his senior year of high school when he met Suji, a girl from his class who he had ended up dating for nearly seven months. He hadn’t told Jongdae about that time at Chanyeol’s party, where someone behind him had reached out a hand to run his fingers down Baekhyun’s torso, and when he turned around and saw a head of brown hair cropped short, he had immediately assumed it was Suji, wrapping his arms around who he thought was his girlfriend’s body and placing his mouth on those plump lips. He hadn’t told Jongdae about how Chanyeol had walked right in on his passionate make-out session with Kim Jongin, and punched him in the face, kicked him out of his house, and never spoke to him again. He hadn’t told Jongdae about that one night when that priceless friendship he had developed, the closest relationship he had managed to form by himself, the one lifeline he felt like he could depend on, had been completely severed. He hadn’t told Jongdae about the last two months of high school where he was back where he had started, and how he had felt so utterly, completely, alone.
Instead, he had told Jongdae about the one time he had been honest to his college roommate about his face-blindness. That roommate had reacted by backing away and had spent the rest of the semester avoiding Baekhyun until he finally moved out of the dorms and into a small apartment complex. Luckily, his new roommate had been none other than Luhan, but even then, Baekhyun had refrained from telling him until they had been friends for almost a year. Hiding it was hard, but he always had the constant fear that the other person simply wouldn’t understand.
As Baekhyun grew older, he slowly learned how to deal with his impairment. Most of the time, he shied away from social interaction. It was his self-established policy on interacting with new people: stay as far away as possible. He has abided by this rule ever since, until now, when Kim Jongdae had walked into the picture.
-------
“Yeah, that’s pretty tragic,” Baekhyun agrees, staring at small vortex in his tea as he tilts the cup around and around to swirl the liquid inside. “But those are tragedies that we can share another time.”
-------
They make their way back to the train station together around eight o'clock, and this time, they never leave each other’s sight.
The rest of the train ride to Beijing passes smoothly. About an hour in, Jongdae falls asleep while listening to music, and Baekhyun pulls the earbuds out of the other man’s ears and fits them inside his own. It’s a Chen song, of course, and Baekhyun recognizes it as one that had been played all around Seoul about a year ago. He hadn’t liked it then, but now it doesn’t sound so bad.
He leans back in his seat and closes his eyes, letting the sound of Chen’s soothing vocals wash over his thoughts as he drifts off into sleep.
-------
[From: Junmyeon(s Ugly Sweaters)]
Remember to call Luhan when you get there so you don’t get lost!
[To: Junmyeon(s Ugly Sweaters)]
hyung u worry 2 much. i won’t forget 2 call! ik Luhan’s not like u.
[From: Junmyeon(s Ugly Sweaters)]
What does that mean?
[To: Junmyeon(s Ugly Sweaters)]
he’s not like u! he doesn’t wear ugly sweaters that i can c from a mile away! kkkkk~
[From: Junmyeon(s Ugly Sweaters)]
>_< Don’t be a brat! I already have to deal with too many of those!
Baekhyun chuckles quietly and stuffs his phone in his pocket. When he hears the tone from the loudspeaker that indicates an announcement, he quickly shakes Jongdae awake as well so the other man can translate for him.
Ladies and Gentlemen, your train, number D160, final destination of Beijing West Station, is now reaching the final stop. All passengers, please gather your belongings and prepare for arrival. Thank you for your cooperation.
Baekhyun hastily makes a phone call to Luhan, who assures him that he and Zitao are already waiting for him at the station. After packing up all his belongings and the train finally pulls into the platform, he and Jongdae make their way out, walking through the station together until they catch sight of the exit.
“Hey, Jongdae…” Baekhyun turns around to face the other man as they come to a stop. Part of his brain is still reminding him about his policy, but he doesn’t think it matters after Jongdae has already accepted and befriended him. “I was wondering….well, Luhan and Zitao are taking me sightseeing around the city, and I was thinking, well, maybe you’d like to go with us? Maybe we could meet up tomorrow or something, or the day after?” He looks at the other man hopefully.
“I’m sorry, Baekhyun, but I’m afraid I can’t,” Jongdae tells him.
The answer surprises Baekhyun, since Jongdae had been so eager to explore Zhengzhou. Maybe Jongdae has already been to Beijing before, or maybe Jongdae think’s Baekhyun would be too much of a burden to be around, after what happened last time.
Jongdae must have sensed his disappointment, because he quickly offers an explanation. “I’d really love to go with you, Baekhyun, but I’m going to be busy with work for the next few days. I’ll probably have more time next week, though, so I’m sure we could find some time to meet up later. Plus, we have each other’s numbers now. I’ll call you, okay?”
Baekhyun nods. “Okay,” he agrees. It’s a bit silly, but he still feels slightly rejected. Scanning the area, he’s very relieved when spots Luhan standing near the exit. Or rather, he sees a man wearing a neon yellow shirt like Luhan had described to him. Based on the fact that he is currently waving in Baekhyun’s direction, Baekhyun can probably safely assume that he’s found his Chinese friend.
“I have to go. I’ll see you, Jongdae,” he says, pulling his suitcase behind him. He hears Jongdae call out a farewell, and Baekhyun turns back to smile at him one more time before quickly meeting up with Luhan.
Outside of the train station, a black Mercedes Benz is waiting for them. Luhan puts Baekhyun’s luggage in the trunk and gets in the front seat, and Baekhyun seats himself in the back.
“Hello!” The man in the driver’s seat, who Baekhyun assumes is Zitao, Luhan’s roommate, leans around the to get a good look at him. “How was your trip?” he asks in Korean. His accent isn’t too bad, Baekhyun notes. Luhan has been teaching him well.
The top of Zitao’s hair is dyed a bright cobalt-blue, and he’s wearing a black leather jacket. He has very distinctive eyes, Baekhyun thinks. Maybe they’ll even be recognizable after a while.
“It was fine. Thank you guys so much for picking me up this late,” Baekhyun replies.
“It’s no problem,” Zitao says politely.
“I wanted to leave you at the station to fend for yourself in a country where you can’t speak the language, but Zitao said that was too mean,” Luhan adds.
Baekhyun laughs. “I’ve missed you too, Luhan,” he says.
The older male turns around in his seat to give Baekhyun a glare. “That’s Luhan-hyung to you. Or Luhan-ge, since we’re in China right now.”
“Okay, ge~” Baekhyun sings, and Luhan smiles happily in satisfaction.
-------
“Guess what we’re doing today, Baekhyunnie?”
It’s seven in the morning, and Baekhyun has just been woken up by an excited Luhan and a fluffy pillow smothered in his face. “We’re going to Tiananmen Square! And then Wangfujing, because Zitao wants to go shopping! And then…” Luhan says dramatically, “we’re going to a concert! Fabulous, right?”
“A concert? What concert?” Baekhyun says drowsily, heaving himself up from Luhan’s bed. He had offered to take the couch last night, but Luhan had insisted. Meanwhile, Zitao had looked on jealously, whining that Luhan never allows him to even sit on his bed, yet he’s letting Baekhyun sleep in it.
“Surprise! I bought the three of us tickets to the Chen concert tonight!” Luhan cheers. “It was going to be last night, but his concert got pushed back a day! I was so scared because they almost cancelled it, and then we would have completely missed out.”
Baekhyun gapes at him. “Are you serious?”
“Of course! By the end of today, you’ll be a Chen fanboy, guaranteed,” Luhan promises, and Baekhyun groans at the thought.
-------
Luhan and Zitao decide to go all out with the fan gear, and somehow Baekhyun somehow finds himself wearing a glowing Chen headband and helping to hold a gigantic glowing sign with Chen’s face on it. Even so, the concert turns out to be much more enjoyable than he had expected. Maybe Luhan and Zitao’s excitement is rubbing off on him, but Baekhyun finds himself eagerly leaning forward in his seat in anticipation for Chen’s next performance.
“How is Chen’s Mandarin?” he asks Luhan, as they wait for the singer to start one of his Chinese ballads.
“Pretty good! Back when he released his first Mandarin track four years ago, it was terrible, but it’s really improved a lot!” Luhan tells him excitedly.
It’s a slow song, and the crowd sings along contentedly. It sounds absolutely beautiful, Baekhyun thinks, Chen’s beautiful high notes blending with the harmony of the crowd’s voices.
-------
“Two caramel lattes and one original bubble tea!” the girl behind the counter calls out.
“That’s our order, Baekhyunnie! Can you get the drinks for us?” Luhan asks, and Baekhyun obliges, rising from his seat and making his way to the front of the coffee shop.
He’s trying to figure out how he can grab the bubble tea when he’s already holding two caramel lattes when someone else reaches around him and lifts the third cup off the counter.
“Need a hand?”
Baekhyun turns around at the sound of Korean, expecting Zitao, only to find himself face to face with a stranger instead.
“Thanks,” he says, “Can you bring that over to my table?”
“Of course. And if you need help with anything else, like breaking disposable chopsticks, or cleaning up spilled Pepsi, I can do that, too,” the other man says. He’s wearing a teasing grin on his lips, and Baekhyun looks at him again, astonished.
“Jongdae?”
“Nice to know you still remember,” Jongdae responds, and Baekhyun finds himself smiling.
“I can’t believe you’re here!” Baekhyun gushes, “What happened to your hair? Do you want to sit with us? I can finally introduce you to my friends.”
Baekhyun sets down his coffee mugs on their table. “Luhan, Zitao, I want you to meet someone,” he announces, grabbing his two friends’ attention. “This is--”
“Oh my god! Oh my god!” Baekhyun’s words are drowned out as Luhan and Zitao both jump up from their seats, staring at Jongdae with wide eyes.
“Chen! ” Luhan exclaims excitedly. Beside him, Zitao has already pulled out his cell phone.
“Chen, I’m a huge fan! Can I get a picture with you, please?” the younger man begs.
Baekhyun looks around in confusion. “What? No, this is Jongdae, the friend I met--”
“We went to your concert last week!” Luhan says, ignoring Baekhyun completely, “All three of us, we were at your concert! I’ve been a fan since your debut! Can I get an autograph, please?”
“Luhan, stop!” Baekhyun says loudly, hushing Luhan to be quiet. “What is going on here?” he demands at the three of his friends, completely bewildered at their reactions.
“Um…” Jongdae begins, and Baekhyun focuses his attention on him. “I...well, I guess you went to my concert last night?” Baekhyun stares at him blankly, and the other man tries again. “I mean...hi? Nice to meet you? I’m Chen? Birth name, Kim Jongdae, stage name, Chen?”
“Wait, you’ve met Chen before? And you didn’t tell us?” Luhan looks at Baekhyun in amazement.
Baekhyun feels extremely dizzy and disoriented. “I met Jongdae before. I…” he looks back at the friend he had met just a week ago. There’s no way, he thinks. But then again…“Are you Jongdae? Or are you Chen?” he asks the other man. “Who are you? ”
“Jongdae and Chen are the same person, Baekhyun,” Zitao asserts. There’s a silence. Slowly, the situation begins to make sense to Baekhyun.
“Baekhyun, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you, I--”
Baekhyun spins around to fully face Jongdae. “You’re Chen? This whole time, you were Chen?”
“Yes, I’m so sor--”
“You lied! ” Baekhyun says, outraged. “This whole time! That’s why you kept avoiding all those personal questions, and, and…” he suddenly realizes that the whole time that he’s been bashing Chen, he’s also been bashing Jongdae, and he feels like a horrible person. “This whole time, you were making fun of me! You must have thought it was so funny that I had no idea who you were! Even after I told you about my face-blindness, you still kept pretending, and you must have found it amusing, like this was some sort of game or something…”
Tears of frustration are forming in his eyes. Luhan and Zitao are staring at him, and Jongdae is silent. “I can’t believe this!” Baekhyun chokes. Angrily, he stomps across the coffee shop, making his way to the exit.
“Baekhyun!” Someone is yelling after him, and Baekhyun quickly pushes opens the doors, running outside. He doesn’t want to deal with Jongdae, or Chen, anymore.
He’s several steps down the sidewalk when he stumbles over a loose brick. Strong hands reach out from behind to prevent his fall.
“Byun Baekhyun! Stop running and listen to me, please!” Jongdae shouts. Baekhyun tries to shake him off, but Jongdae is persistent, and finally manages to tug Baekhyun around to face him. Baekhyun tries to look away. He’s pretty sure his eyes are red from practically crying, and he doesn’t want Jongdae to see him like this.
“Can you just listen to me for a second?” Jongdae asks, staring at Baekhyun imploringly. “Just let me explain, okay?” He pulls Baekhyun over closer to the building, where they won’t be standing in everyone’s way. When he’s sure that Baekhyun no longer appears to have the intention of running away, Jongdae finally lets go of him.
“I’m really sorry that I didn’t tell you have I was,” he begins, “but there’s a reason I didn’t want you to know, and I want you to hear me out, okay?
“When I first talked to you on the train, the first thing you told me was that you didn’t like Chen. I wasn’t sure if you really didn’t recognize me, or you were just joking or being mean. I thought maybe you didn’t actually know much about Chen at all. But then you mentioned some of his songs-I mean, my songs-and I found out that you did know Chen, after all, but you really didn’t recognize me in person. It was...well, honestly, it was really nice, actually, meeting someone who didn't like Chen but liked me as Jongdae. A lot of times, the people who do like Chen...they never actually like me for me, you know? They only like the cool, charismatic version of Chen. No one wants just Kim Jongdae.”
Baekhyun feels a bit sorry for him now, but he presses his lips together without any sort of response.
“I know you think that I was making fun of you or something,” Jongdae continues, “but that’s not true at all. After you told me so much about yourself, that’s when I knew that I had to tell you about me, too. But honestly, I was a little scared, too. I was afraid you’d be even more upset, or maybe you wouldn’t like me anymore, since, you don’t like Chen, and, well, I’m Chen.”
Some of the people passing by them on the sidewalk are giving them strange glances, but Jongdae pays them no attention. “Baekhyun, I’m really sorry. Really. Please forgive me?”
He’s pouting now, and seeing that face immediately has Baekhyun losing all of his ability to stay mad at Jongdae. It was time for Baekhyun to end this tragedy speech.
“Okay,” he finally says, “I forgive you.”
Jongdae breaks into a relieved smile, and he pulls Baekhyun into a hug. It’s a nice hug. Baekhyun decides he likes the feeling of being in Jongdae’s arms.
“Will you let me take you out for coffee?” Jongdae asks.
Baekhyun pulls away from the embrace. “I just ordered coffee,” he points out.
“I know, but let’s go somewhere else. Just the two of us. A date,” Jongdae offers. “You can tell your friends where you’re going, and then I’ll stay with you the whole time. So you don’t get lost,” Jongdae says, and Baekhyun thinks his heart is going to melt.
-------
“So... I've kind of been telling you I hate you all this time, I guess.”
“Pretty much.” Jongdae chuckles when he sees Baekhyun's worried expression. “It’s alright, really. I knew I could make you fall for my wonderful charms. You came to my concert, after all.”
Baekhyun feels himself blushing against his will. “Yeah, well, you still can’t dance,” Baekhyun tells him, and Jongdae makes a face and sips his Americano. “Also, you changed your hair.”
Jongdae nods swiping at hand across his blonde bangs. “I’m filming a new music video,” he says. “That’s why I couldn’t meet up with you last week. I was afraid you really wouldn’t remember who I was,” he admitted.
“Well, it wouldn’t be the first time,” Baekhyun says, licking whipped cream off the rim of his cup.
“Or the second.” Jongdae smirks. “There was the Pepsi, too. That you spilled all over me.”
“Spilled over...you?” Baekhyun gapes at him. “What was that really you that I almost ran over in the dining car?”
“Yeah, “Jongdae affirms. Then he hesitates. “Now that you know, you aren’t going to run away again, are you?”
Baekhyun shakes his head. “I don’t understand, though. You weren't wearing a white suit when I saw you in your seat.”
“Of course not,” Jongdae retorts,”I changed out of it after you ruined it.”
“Oh. Sorry about that,” Baekhyun apologizes sheepishly.
“It’s okay. I was going to change later, and I never liked white, anyway. Minseok hyung might kill me for it, though.”
-------
They meet up on several other days while both of them are in Beijing. Most of the time they spend together is used on short coffee dates between Jongdae’s MV filming and schedules. Occasionally Jongdae tags to a few of the places Baekhyun visits with Luhan and Zitao, like the Temple of Heaven and Chaoyang Park.
Sometimes, Baekhyun finds his eyes lingering just a little too long on Jongdae’s face, and sometimes, he loses himself in the other’s emotions. Looking people in the face has always given him a distant and uncomfortable feeling, but Jongdae’s expressions are fascinating, always spontaneous and unrestrained. He falls even more in love with Jongdae’s smile, and he can never stop marveling at how genuine and carefree Jongdae looks when he’s happy. Its image he can only wish to commit to memory. Instead, Baekhyun settles for memorizing the sound of Jongdae’s laughter and the little bursts of delight in his chest whenever he hears the Jongdae’s voice, right by his side.
-------
The days go by quickly, and before Baekhyun knows it, two weeks have passed, and it’s already time for Jongdae to leave. Luckily, the time they will spend together in the future has no such expiration date. “You’ll call me when you get to Seoul, right?” Jongdae asks, and Baekhyun grins happily, almost wishing his vacation ended a few days earlier just so they could see each other again even sooner.
“You’re going to have to tell me what you look like,” he tells Jongdae with a more serious expression.
“Actually,” Jongdae says, smiling as he reaches into his pocket, “I have a gift for you.”
“A gift?” Baekhyun accepts the small black box with both hands. “What is it?”
“Something for you to remember me by,” Jongdae says mysteriously as Baekhyun carefully opens the box. A silver necklace lies inside, nestled in white tissue paper. The charm looks like a miniature, rounded rod, with one slightly larger square end and one smaller, rounded end.
“Is this…?” Baekhyun picks up the rod, holding it closer for further examination.
Jongdae grins, pulling his own necklace out from where it lay hidden underneath his shirt. It matches Baekhyun’s exactly. “Chopsticks,” he clarifies proudly. “I had them custom made! They’re magnetic, too.”
“Seriously?” Baekhyun gives the other an incredulous look. Jongdae simply steps closer and leans down, holding out the tiny chopstick on his necklace closer to its pair. When the two small rods are about an inch apart, the chopstick charm between Baekhyun’s fingers flies out, clinging to the one around Jongdae’s neck.
“Let me help you put it on,” Jongdae says, and Baekhyun lets Jongdae wrap the thin silver chain around his neck, leaving the charm hanging over the outside of his shirt. “Now you won’t lose me so easily~” Jongdae teases.
If anything, Baekhyun thinks, it should be the other way around. He was the one who had once been lost. Jongdae is his life jacket now, keeping him floating above the sea of unfamiliar faces.
“Thank you,” he tells Jongdae, pulling him closer for a kiss. The necklace is a simple gesture, something small, but strangely enough, it makes Baekhyun feel safer. It’s a nice feeling, knowing that he has someone to be his anchor, making sure that he is always within sight, keeping him from drifting too far away. Baekhyun rests his chin on Jongdae’s shoulder, and between them, the two chopsticks fasten together again, naturally finding their way to each other.
Some people, Baekhyun thinks,you’ll always know by heart.
Additional Author's Notes:
The first time I learned about prosopagnosia, or face-blindness, I immediately wanted to write a fic about it, and I thought it might mesh with this prompt nicely. I do not have any personal experiences relating with this cognitive disorder, but I tried to portray Baekhyun's experiences and feelings to the best of my ability. Thank you all for reading.