Waiting for the Passing of Denial.
Waiting for the Passing of Denial. | theblobmaster | PG-13 | KaiYeol, Friendship!SeKaiYeol | Hurt/Comfort | 4.2 k
We all have that one friend, that we’ve known forever but isn’t really close to or knows too well. It’s more like you are friends with them because your friends are friends with them. You joke and have tons of fun with them. Yet you never hang out together alone, you don’t tell each other things about yourselves. It’s a superficial friend that you somehow don’t want to lose, but knows that if you do it isn’t that big of a deal really.
Park ChanYeol is that friend to JongIn (except not really), two years older, going to another school and laughs way too loud. JongIn kind of hated him at first. When SeHun had trooped up at their secret skating spot with ChanYeol behind him, he immediately felt distaste for the older. Especially his stupid big ears, wide eyes and even wider smiles that was contagious, dammit JongIn was angry and he couldn’t show that if ChanYeol kept on smiling like that. SeHun had snorted at the constipated look on JongIn’s face and introduced ChanYeol who eagerly greeted JongIn.
JongIn hated ChanYeol’s deep voice even more than the wide smiles, it just simply wasn’t fair, because ChanYeol was kind of cool, being older and all, his voice had even broken through. JongIn was supposed to be the cool one, no matter how much SeHun laughed at him when he said it.
JongIn had been twelve years old when he met ChanYeol. ChanYeol that he just had to put up with because his best friend had suddenly also become ChanYeol’s best friend. That’s how their weird trio started.
÷
JongIn is now eighteen, fresh out of high school. Sick and tired of listening to his mother’s nagging and his father’s disapproving stares that had been constantly sent his way since he told him that he was going to pursue the dream of being a photographer, he decided that he would move into his own place. The only problem was, you know money. JongIn was pretty much broke. His part time job down at the record store couldn’t really pay a full rent on its own.
JongIn thought the best way of solving this was to discuss (more like whine at, a voice eerily akin to SeHun’s says.) it with SeHun. He didn’t expect it to actual pay off. His best friend’s eyes had lit up in the way that they did when he knew JongIn wasn’t going to like what he had to say. It didn’t fail this time either.
“You know, ChanYeol is searching for a roommate. I’m sure he would accept you would open arms.” SeHun grins smugly at him, since he knows that JongIn kind of, can’t really stand ChanYeol, because he’s loud. Not because of how his smiles make JongIn’s heart beat faster, in annoyance, or how his deep baritone makes JongIn shiver, in disgust (Nah, it’s because you have had a crush on him since you were fifteen the voice says. JongIn scoffs and ignores it), definitely because he’s loud. “Then you could finally realize your wet dreams.” SeHun wiggles his eyebrows at JongIn suggestively. JongIn swears never to get shitfaced drunk with SeHun again. He knows he’ll break that promise already in the upcoming weekend, but it’s the thought that counts, right? Right? “I didn’t know ChanYeol was your mother.” He said instead. SeHun merely rolled his eyes at him, sipping on his annoying Bubble Tea that was too sweet for JongIn’s tastes. How could he drink that? “You know it’s your only option and ChanYeol isn’t a bad guy.” JongIn stares down at the doodle he had absentmindedly drawn on the napkin. He knows that, he knows that. It just isn’t that easy. It’s never that easy with JongIn and ChanYeol, and SeHun knows that. Knows how awkward JongIn gets when SeHun leaves to get drinks or to chat up a girl. Knows how JongIn begins to stumble over words, embarrassingly stuttering out sentences. Knows that JongIn is not cool, no matter how much he wants to be, knows that JongIn doesn’t feel comfortable with ChanYeol, who is cool even when he’s stupid. He knows all this and yet he still asks for JongIn to move in with ChanYeol. He looks up at SeHun when he feels a reassuring hand on his arm. It’s a rare kind gesture, but that is why SeHun is his best friend, he’s there when JongIn needs him the most. “Don’t worry, I’ll talk to him about it. It’s going to be alright.” JongIn sends him a smile, a genuine appreciative smile. Yeah, this is why SeHun is his best friend, even when he’s a douchebag in his daily life.
÷
JongIn moves into ChanYeol’s flat a month later. He had never been there before despite hanging out with ChanYeol almost as often as he hung out with SeHun and ChanYeol had lived there for almost three years already. He had never realized how loaded ChanYeol’s parents really were, he only vaguely remembers SeHun mentioning something about it. It was a sweet apartment. Two big bedrooms and an even larger living room with a kitchen connected to it. The bathroom was bigger than JongIn’s old room. He had no idea how his rent could be so low, but ChanYeol had assured him that he had nothing to worry about. So JongIn stayed blissfully carefree, feeling lucky he only had to pay half of his paycheck in rent for such a luxurious place.
“Why would anybody want to move out from this?” JongIn asks incredulously, he knew ChanYeol had had a roommate before him and he was curious as to why the mysterious guy, (He hadn’t really met him weirdly enough, since you know. He hung out a lot with ChanYeol.), had moved out. He looked curiously at ChanYeol that for once wasn’t meeting his eyes. They were sitting on the floor in JongIn’s new room while SeHun was getting pizzas after the move. “For no reason, he just didn’t want to be here anymore.” Something in ChanYeol’s tone told JongIn that he should let the subject go, so he did instead focusing on trying not to get his stomach to growl. He failed (Of course, the stupid SeHun wannabe voice deadpanned). At least it makes ChanYeol laugh and JongIn for once feels like it was okay to be uncool. The sad expression didn’t really suit ChanYeol’s face, if he had to make a fool out of himself for it to go away, so be it. Maybe living together with ChanYeol wouldn’t end up a complete disaster anyway. JongIn smiles contentedly at the thought as he watches ChanYeol guffawing over something probably really stupid SeHun had said.
÷
When he wakes up the next morning to the smell of something that made his mouth water, getting his stomach to growl hungrily and sees ChanYeol in the kitchen cooking breakfast, he decides he couldn’t have made a better decision. He stands in the doorway to his room for a little while just taking in the sight of ChanYeol moving with a graze and carefulness that JongIn had never seen him move with before. JongIn suddenly wishes his camera wasn’t in a box somewhere lost in all the other boxes he had yet to unpack, because ChanYeol had never been this beautiful in his eyes before (Keep telling yourself that loser, as if you haven’t gotten boners over the pictures you’ve taken of him, SeHun says in his head. JongIn’s too busy staring at ChanYeol to really pay attention to it.).
“Hey.” His voice cracks with sleep and he winces, feeling the embarrassment starting to creep up his neck. ChanYeol’s eyes widen in surprise at the interruption in his quiet surroundings, they lift to look at JongIn almost in wonder before they turn easy and warm. “Good morning. Slept well?” His voice is quiet and softer than JongIn’s ever heard it before and he wonders how many sides of ChanYeol’s he hasn’t met. “Yeah. You?” ChanYeol hums a noncommittal reply as he takes the eggs of the frying pan onto two plates, arranging the bacon neatly beside it. “I made breakfast for us, come eat.” He says again, his quiet tone still kind of surprises JongIn, but he follows the order and sluggishly walks over and plops down in the seat across of ChanYeol. He watches as ChanYeol, carefully of not making a sound, places the plate in front of him. His long fingers taking their time to let go, just to be sure there doesn’t come a sound when it hits the table. They eat in silence and JongIn hasn’t ever felt that out of place in silence before, it’s something he usually welcomes. This just made him feel as if something was wrong (Probably because something is dumbass. JongIn wonders if he secretly enjoys being humiliated, since his conscience is constantly calling him names with his best friend’s voice. He hopes not.).
When SeHun comes over later that night, claiming he has to make sure JongIn hasn’t just lazed off and actually unpacked, ChanYeol’s back at being loud, obnoxious but familiar ChanYeol. There’s no sign of the weirdly quiet and meek ChanYeol that had occasionally walked past JongIn’s room to the toilet, popping his head in to see if JongIn made any progress in unpacking on his way back to his own room.
÷
JongIn tells SeHun this, when the younger comes to visit him while ChanYeol is out working and coming home late. Tells SeHun about how quiet ChanYeol has been ever since he moved in, asked him if knew anything. “Of course I do, he’s my best friend. I know these things. I don’t understand how you could miss it, but it’s not my story to tell.” SeHun ignores every other attempt JongIn makes at figuring out what is happening to ChanYeol. What was it he missed?
÷
He’s awakened by a loud crash, followed by a series of loud crashes. Frozen to his spot as he wonders if he should go out to see what was happening. He decided against it when he hears a voice suddenly speaking. “Do you know why I keep this place to you? Why I still give you money? Even when you’re a worthless disgusting little faggot, huh? Do you?” The voice is steely, cold, distanced. “No, father. Why?” He hears ChanYeol answering, his usually rich voice somehow dead. “You’re not my son anymore, stop using father to address me.” JongIn cowers under his covers at the hostile tone. “It’s the only way to keep to the press away, to keep them from assuming something is wrong.” A silence stretches for a while before the nasty guy that JongIn supposes is ChanYeol’s father talks again. “If you ever decides to out yourself to the press, I will make everyone you care about abandon you, just like that scumbag you called your boyfriend.” With that he leaves, JongIn hears the front door slam shut. He counts to ten before he tentatively walks into the living room. When he sees ChanYeol standing in the middle of the living room lifelessly, his clay figures smashed at his feet, he moves without realizing. He steps over the shards and pulls ChanYeol into his arms. “I’m so sorry you heard that.” ChanYeol whispers into his shoulder and JongIn feels like crying. ChanYeol shouldn’t apologies. “Don’t say sorry when it’s not your fault.” Then ChanYeol’s clutching onto the back of his sleep shirt and crying so hard that JongIn thinks he might dehydrate. They stand there surrounded by ChanYeol’s shattered hopes and dreams, with ChanYeol clutching at JongIn’s back and JongIn cradling ChanYeol close to him, for what feels like eternity. It’s only when ChanYeol’s no longer shaking that JongIn pulls away a little, only enough so that he could dry ChanYeol’s eyes. Those big eyes that are staring scared and apologetically at him. The red rims are still watery and JongIn feels guilty for thinking that ChanYeol is beautiful even like this. He sees lips redden by how hard ChanYeol had bit them to keep the sobs down open and he quickly cuts ChanYeol off before he says something. “No, don’t you dare say sorry.” The lips close again and ChanYeol let’s JongIn pull him over to the couch and into JongIn’s side as he fusses over the older. JongIn doesn’t like to be cared for, but when someone really needs it he can be the best at comforting. He doesn’t like it when people fight, it’s useless and he doesn’t understand how people can hate someone because of personal preferences. He swore that if ChanYeol’s father ever came back, he would beat him up until he realized what he was doing to his son.
They sit like that for hours. ChanYeol tugged into JongIn’s chest as the younger cards his fingers comfortingly through the dark brown locks of ChanYeol’s hair. “Your dad’s a douche.” JongIn finally says when he can’t take the sad silence any more. He can feel ChanYeol snort in disbelief and continues, “A real douchy douche. He’s more douchy than SeHun on PMS. He’s even more douchy than the guys from Jersey Shore.” He feels ChanYeol beginning to laugh, pride swelling up at the genuine sound, he hadn’t realized he missed it. “He’s stupid, don’t listen to him. You’re not disgusting or, or worthless. You’re awesome and cool.” JongIn whispers into ChanYeol’s hair, smile settling on his face at the sound of ChanYeol’s laughter. A flush creeps up onto his cheeks, when ChanYeol stills at his words and he buries himself in ChanYeol’s hair. He liked how it smelled like mango it made him think of summer, something he had always associated with ChanYeol. So it matched (Wow, really JongIn? Are you in that deep? - Shut up SeHun, JongIn hisses back.).
JongIn tries to cook that night and almost burns down the place. They end up getting Chinese delivered at the door.
÷
SeHun gives JongIn the longest sigh of suffering when JongIn asks him if he knew ChanYeol was gay. “Dude, do you ever listen to me? He’s my best friend, of course I know. Like I know you got the hots for him and has had it since forever. You’re just too stupid to do anything about it.” For once JongIn doesn’t deny it. He can’t fool himself any longer. Not when just the tiniest crack of a smile sent in his direction from ChanYeol sends his heart fluttering. Not when he wants to smother ChanYeol’s face with kisses when he sees those sad eyes. He had found out that ChanYeol’s former roommate had been his boyfriend. Some boyfriend he had been, running away as soon as ChanYeol’s father bribed him with just enough money, JongIn would never do that. Never. “JongIn have you really not paid attention all these years? You know that’s why he moved into that apartment alone when he was seventeen.” JongIn remembers that, SeHun had offhandedly told him ChanYeol was moving out to live on his own, he hadn’t really given it much thought but it makes sense now. “Have you never wondered why he laughed so much? So hard?” JongIn had. In fact a lot, the way ChanYeol would be ridiculously loud and laughing as if he had something to prove. “He laughed so people wouldn’t notice his tears.” SeHun nodded at him, a solemn expression on his face as he sucked on the straw of his bubble tea. “Hey SeHun, come over tonight and lets hold a sleep over like when we were small.” JongIn doesn’t wait for an answer, walking away to go prepare. He knows what it is anyway.
That evening the three of them camp out in the living room playing games all night as they eat junk food until the sun rises again and they pass out on the floor. SeHun and JongIn pressed up against ChanYeol on respectively his right and left side.
÷
ChanYeol had come into his room a week after the fight with his dad and sat gingerly on JongIn’s bed. His eyes were serious, unsure but serious. JongIn had peered at him curiously as he looked over his photographs. “You’re really good. We should get some of them blown up or something so they can hang on the walls.” ChanYeol broke the silence. “Thank you.” It was the first time ChanYeol had seen any of his photos. It had never really come up, but he was happy that ChanYeol liked them. “You don’t mind me being gay, do you?” It was a whisper and JongIn had to take a double take to be sure he had heard right. “No, I’m not exactly all that straight myself to be honest.” ChanYeol had smiled a tired, but grateful smile before standing up and walked out of the room, still muttering about how good JongIn was.
÷
It has been half a year since JongIn moved in and somehow they had settled into their own weird routine. ChanYeol would blast weird indie music while he worked on his clay figures during the day and JongIn would quietly snap pictures of him if he was home. In the evening when JongIn came home from work at the record store, sometimes with a new indie band for ChanYeol to listen to, the dinner would be ready and they would sit in silence and eat. Helping each other wash the dishes as they talked quietly together. JongIn liked it like that, because he was the only one to see how elegantly ChanYeol moved when he cooked or when he was working on his figures. He was the only one who saw the small frown of concentration that always took its place between ChanYeol’s eyebrows when he was forming a particular hard face. He was the only one who heard how ChanYeol always hummed low to himself when he was cooking.
He was doing that at the moment, moving in the kitchen purposely and familiar as JongIn was sitting at the counter observing and taking pictures of him to his own private collection. A collection that had grown steadily over the past few months, album after album filled with pictures of ChanYeol. ChanYeol laughing over a particularly bad joke, ChanYeol crying after watching a sad movie, ChanYeol reading, ChanYeol cooking, ChanYeol working, ChanYeol talking, ChanYeol, ChanYeol, ChanYeol. It was pathetic how hard JongIn had fallen for the older. He saw how the older would sometimes stare longingly at messages on his phone, knowing he was rereading old texts from his ex. He hoped ChanYeol would get over the sad excuse of a boyfriend that the idiot had been, but it had been almost a year now and he was still sighing after somebody that ChanYeol was too good for. Unknowingly JongIn starts to sulk, browsing through the pictures he had taken. There were some really good ones in between, especially this one where ChanYeol is chopping carrots, his tongue peeking out in concentration, eyebrows ceased gently. JongIn almost leaned in to kiss the screen as he sometimes did in secret, but stopped himself when ChanYeol’s voice cut through the relaxed silence. “You’ve been taking a lot more pictures of me lately. Why?” JongIn searched for any discomfort in the sentence but found none, only curiosity and slight embarrassment.
“Because you are so beautiful.”
JongIn doesn’t realize he’s said that out loud until he catches ChanYeol staring at him with wide surprised eyes and an open mouth. (Wow, way to go JongIn. Surprise him while he’s cutting things with sharp knives. You sure you don’t want his fingers to be cut off? JongIn hadn’t missed SeHun’s annoying voice in his head.) “What?” ChanYeol croaks out. The food lays forgotten on the chop board as he steps closer to JongIn, his eyes judging as if he’s trying to figure out if he heard correctly. “Because you’re really beautiful.” JongIn feels the heat creep up and settle on his face. He fights his instincts to hide his face determinedly. ChanYeol’s standing just in front of him, looking down at him in amazement and JongIn wonders what he had done to deserve such a look. “You think I’m beautiful?” His throat is dry and refuses to let him sink so he can speak, instead he nods and something lights in ChanYeol’s eyes. Something that JongIn hadn’t seen since he was fifteen and a teenager with confusing feelings and ChanYeol had still kind of been that annoyingly cool guy that SeHun also called his best friend. “You’re not saying it as a joke, right? Right?” JongIn shakes his head. “No, I think you’re probably the most beautiful person on earth.” His face heats up some more, but it’s worth it as he sees the biggest smile in years genuinely spread across ChanYeol’s face. “Thank you.” ChanYeol whispers as if he says it too loud JongIn will take back his statement.
ChanYeol gives him all the meat that evening with a bright smile and shining eyes. JongIn hasn’t seen him that animated for a long time. He hopes this ChanYeol never leaves.
÷
It’s another half a year and they’re at SeHun’s housewarming. Their best friend had moved in with his girlfriend, a girl he had met at university. She could handle him at his brattiest, so she was perfect in their eyes. “Sweet and kind, really pretty too.” ChanYeol had described her as when SeHun asked for their opinion, JongIn had nodded in agreement. Somehow they ended up outside on the small balcony, watching as their breaths crystalized into a small fog every time they took a breath. ChanYeol had been excited for the party, excited for the prospect of meeting new people. Still JongIn had found him alone on the balcony and decided to join him. So here they were only the sound of their breaths and the dull thumping of the music from the other side of the door. The winter night sky was clear and the stars shone brightly over the city. JongIn could feel himself beginning to freeze in his cotton shirt and jeans, he hadn’t thought about grabbing his coat like ChanYeol. He tries to suppress it, not wanting to break the peaceful atmosphere around them, when a warm hand wraps around his wrist and he’s pulled into a warm back hug. ChanYeol letting his head rest on JongIn’s shoulder. He hums contentedly as their puffs of air mingles and turns into one big small fog. He turns his head to nuzzle his cold nose against JongIn’s neck, making JongIn freeze in more ways than one. “Mm, JongIn?” He manages to produce some kind of sound in his throat even though he feels as if something has cloaked in there. “Do you still think I’m beautiful?” ChanYeol’s voice is steady but the slight shake of his hands on JongIn’s give away how nervous he is of the answer. “More than anyone else.” An embarrassed smile is pressed against his shoulder. He can feel it through the thin material of his shirt. “Thank you.” He whispers again, but this time it’s directly in JongIn’s ear. His warm breath ghosting over the shell making JongIn shiver, from what he’s not sure. “I can say the same thing about you.” JongIn is about to protest, say that’s he’s not beautiful, not like ChanYeol. ChanYeol with his long limps that at the strangest times turns elegant. ChanYeol with warm eyes and smiles, but the protest is swallowed by ChanYeol’s lips when he turns his head. He forgets where he is, what he was doing before and just loses himself in ChanYeol’s soft lips. He turns around so he’s facing ChanYeol and cups the beautiful face in front of him, leaning in until he catches those perfect lips again in a gentle kiss, savoring it, as he licks along the seams of ChanYeol’s mouth, always wanting more. He files away the small whimpers and sighs that ChanYeol makes into the kiss, in the back of his head. ChanYeol’s nose is cold against his cheek, but his mouth is scolding hot as JongIn licks his way in. He’s waited so many years for this, and it really couldn't get better. He kisses ChanYeol as if he can’t get enough, and he can’t. He wants it all and even more.
“You’re so incredibly beautiful.” He whispers against ChanYeol’s lips, taking in how hard both of their hearts are beating. The way their breath turns into one as he looks into ChanYeol eyes and sees the longing that had once been directed at a phone, directed at him and it’s overwhelming. He isn’t sure what to do with himself, the intensity of it making the hair on his neck rise and his breath hitch. He feels at home and he hopes that’s what ChanYeol is feeling too. He buries his head in ChanYeol’s neck his arms hugging the taller’s waist as he presses kisses to the long neck in front of him. “Thank you.” ChanYeol says as he pulls him closer. “Thank you so much JongIn.”
I'll proofread this tomorrow.
It's 3 am and I already feel asleep a few times while writing.
Apparently I get ideas at 10 pm these days
and I have to write them till the end.
Comment please?