July 6th, Monday, 9:56 P.M., a coat room in the London Pavilion
I found a coat room outside the back exit of the theater, before the lobby. I turned the handle, happy to find it open. I went inside, flipping on a light switch. I wrapped my arms around myself, weighing my options. To come right out with what I was feeling? Or gently tell Paul what was bothering me..
But, my mouth snapped open before I could think about it, as usual. My blood was still boiling from the Cynthia episode, not to mention what had happened in the recesses of Brian's lap....
"George Harrison. George FUCKING Harrison. It's all I think about, Paul. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't fucking BREATHE without the image swimming before me of him touching you, kissing you, FUCKING you.... I don't care what you two did, or didn't do, my imagination provides enough damage... I just... don't know what to do. I don't now how to get past it. I want to, I do, believe me, but.... I'm just so.... fucked up! I can't get it out of my head! I can't, I can't, I can't!" I know I sounded pathetic and whiny and stupid and jealous... but I was all those things and so much more I couldn't put words to.
Cynthia with another man. Anger.
Paul with another man. So much more.
I sighed, throwing my fist at the wall.
"It hurts so bad I can't stand to wake up... knowing I have to think about it some more. I'm sorry I can't be bigger than this... I've been trying and I'll keep trying. I just thought I should tell you... so you know..."
I rubbed my hand, the pain a distant throb, nothing to the piercing agony in my heart.
But, my mouth snapped open before I could think about it, as usual. My blood was still boiling from the Cynthia episode, not to mention what had happened in the recesses of Brian's lap....
"George Harrison. George FUCKING Harrison. It's all I think about, Paul. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't fucking BREATHE without the image swimming before me of him touching you, kissing you, FUCKING you.... I don't care what you two did, or didn't do, my imagination provides enough damage... I just... don't know what to do. I don't now how to get past it. I want to, I do, believe me, but.... I'm just so.... fucked up! I can't get it out of my head! I can't, I can't, I can't!" I know I sounded pathetic and whiny and stupid and jealous... but I was all those things and so much more I couldn't put words to.
Cynthia with another man. Anger.
Paul with another man. So much more.
I sighed, throwing my fist at the wall.
"It hurts so bad I can't stand to wake up... knowing I have to think about it some more. I'm sorry I can't be bigger than this... I've been trying and I'll keep trying. I just thought I should tell you... so you know..."
I rubbed my hand, the pain a distant throb, nothing to the piercing agony in my heart.