strangers in dark corners
"you have a message from DAWN"... I dont know a dawn and for the most part, even though I have a Myspace & facebook account I NEVER check on them. Like everyone else on the planet I was told I needed to have profiles on these sights. My brother had promised me "if you set up a Myspace account we will talk all the time. I'm always on there so you can find me and we can post little messages and pictures...." My English Cousin Bridgett was the same way however she was on facebook. I tried folks but I just couldnt get that involved as I dont search for people very often, only play on line games that senor_biggles seems to get me hooked on, and when I email I do it direct. Perhaps these sites are amazing but since I dont know all the possablities I just let them lay out there in cyber space. But who the hell is DAWN?
Its strange to sit at the computer and look at the face of my past... Dawn so happens to be the girlfriend of a man I have hid from for years.
AKA in LJ as "the abuser". Wow... I have sucessfully kept a low profile for almost 20 years and yet I look at the screen at a stranger named Dawn stands cuddled by him and the email message topic is "help"
fer fuckyfuckfuck. Its my natural reaction to look around for hidden cameras and press delete but curiousity is powerful aint it? UGHH. I could look, it didnt mean I HAD to reply. First I had to look at the image of him. No matter how rough of a past one has I think everyone is anxious to see how an ex aged.
For the most part he surprisingly looks the same but with a more prodominate brow, a receeding hair line and a few scattered wrinkles. his weight and build seemed about right for him and there is no doubt in my mind that had he been in the same state and city as me, I would never have passed him and not known it. I think thats probably why I decided I could reply to this "dawn" as she lived way far off in another state and I the distance made me feel safe.
"help" was a simple matter. she had found me because he had found me and storing away my name she reached out to talk to me in a private matter. She asked me (in an accent I had a hard time even understanding in writiing form) if he was ever "not right in the head? you know, like him having bad thoughts. coz I tell him he needs help and he dont think he does". this can go so many ways... she had asked that I call her seeing as he goes thru her email.
When I first got out of the 'situation' it was my first instinct to just run- hide, disapear and I had almost accomplished it until I happened to run into the girl who he dated after me.. she was beat up and when I inquired what had happened she told me (not knowing who I was) that this arse hole guy she had been dating beat her with a drain pipe. The guilt of that has always bugged me. I didnt want to be obligated for other people but I also didnt want to be linked to this guy thru courts and all that for years to come. I didnt want to ruin anyones life, I had convinced myself as well that sometimes its just the combo of those 2 people that are dangerious and perhaps now that we both moved on he would find the right person to help him, If I spoke up to everyone he dated then he would never get that chance and it would forever link us.
Over the years I went thru scads of theropy and can at times still have freaking out relapses of the bad times but I tried to make the best of that I can not change and think "maybe I am a better person as it made me more humble. I appreciate things ALOT more and all the simple things of life I missed out on while locked in that room for years- I now get to enjoy them with people who I want to experience it with." I cant tell you the amount of times my husband gets giddy over sharing something with me and seeing how excited I get because to others its common and old and yet to me its all brand new! HIs face lights up because mine does and THAT is even better.
I called....it was difficult at first understanding her at all and I could feel my heart racing in my chest. this could be a VERY bad move on my half and yet I hoped at least by listening to her I will have a bit LESS guilt that I did nothing for the girl beat by the drain pipe.
"what did you mean by not right in the head? and bad thoughts?" I asked. when I read those lines I was thinking my god how sick did he turn out to be.. does he like LIKE animals? does he draw pictures of school busses bursting into flames? Thank God it was only in the wording other wise I might STILL be freaking out.
"you knows... like did he's always accuse you of going round on him.. you know... cheating and all that?"
"oh.. that!? of course that was a pretty big issue"
"can I ask what I should do? He told me you was always cheatin on him and I thought maybe thats why he lost trust... can you give me any advice as I am walking out of this relationship otherwise. In fact I already done moved out"
me... cheat? haha... I never even had a one night stand but her saying this did make me realise that his over worry and jeliousy is how all the abuse came about in the first place.
"we were kids and its been 20 years so youre dealing with a man I dont know but I can give you the advice I would give anyone.. if there is no trust there- there is no realtionship. it only takes one person to bring it up and it snow balls into shifty eyes all the time. If your holding out hope thinking he is damaged and you are going to be the one to save him - that doesnt make a realtionship either. he seems to have the same insecurities as he did when we were kids. Dont stick around to save him, if you do stay know that its only to love him with these flaws he has. it is HIM who must change and nothing you can personally do will 'save him.'"
its kinda strange how well me and Dawn got along and it was easy to forget who she was dating and became 2 girls just talking about men in general. We began to talk a bit more and everytime I reminded her "delete me" as we hung up.
then came the day that a text came in that seemed a bit off for dawn so I rung the number back and it wasnt her that answered... it was him. his first words were that he was sorry he stole my number without telling Dawn or asking me if he could have it and he commented that he would leave me alone after this talk.
it was a bit strange at first... the casualness of it with neither of us menationing the past or us... instead I learned all the ways he went wrong since the last time I had saw him. I wasnt too surprised to learn he had done some time in prison and jail all for DUI's. he wasnt working.. HIs life had went the way I had expected but it was great for me to tell him how wonderful my life turned out. a very srange conversation in deed and with that behind us he hung up telkling me he would never call again. its been almost a month now and he just texted me to say he was sorry for all those many years before... closure? perhaps