DONE! IT'S FINALLY OVER!
I know most people read my Livejournal or they just skim through it. That’s fine. I really don’t care. I am writing this for me, not anyone else. And yes, it’s emo and I’m all depressed, boo-fucking-hoo. I’ll make the emo joke before anyone else does.
I had a breakdown at work today. A pretty bad one too; the kind where you ball yourself up in a corner and cry and sob uncontrollably for half an hour and basically make an ass of yourself in front of your hot co-worker and supervisor. When asked what was wrong, all I could respond with was I wish I could die to make all the hurting go away.
Lately I have been very bad about expressing my emotions. I got tired of bothering everyone with my problems so I bottled them up and regurgitated them into my paper journal. I did it so much that one pen is dead and I have finished the journal. I wrote 156 pages in three months and have started a new one.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…I am done. I am giving up. Not with my life necessarily (gotta live to see my family on the other side), but with everything else. I am giving up trying to make my life better and all that jazz. I am giving up looking for a better job and I am giving up trying to find a decent girl (that's a whole other mess I won't get into today). It's no use. It's a waste of time, breath, and energy. I can use my time, breath, and energy for something more useful like continuing my mediocre existence. There is no use looking for jobs because every site has the same listings they've had since September and I have applied and applied and applied and applied and all I ever get are shitty jobs calling back. This fucking sucks.
I am stuck in this mediocre life with a shitty job, shitty car, still single after EIGHT fucking years (God forbid someone reciprocate my feelings for them. I get interested in women so rarely, but I actually gave up on that a long time ago), and pathetically enough, living at home. Jesus Christ, I am such a pathetic fuck-up that I can’t even handle my finances enough to be independent and live on my own. Thank God for my parents who love me and take me back. I am inadequate. I am a failure. I am a nobody. I am nothing and according to my mom I am immature and something else I will not mention. People only hear me talk and tolerate me because I can make them laugh. My friends and family are the only things that keep me alive, but I am through bothering anyone with my silly, stupid, mundane problems. I swear it might be the depression talking, but I sometimes feel like people only listen to me bitch because they feel obligated to. The point is my problems are my problems and I should never, ever burden anyone with my constant whining, bitching, and moaning, even if they ask to hear it. Like I said, I am through. I am done with the complaining and the sorrow. I am done looking for a new job. I am through depending on other people’s help to locate a better job. It was never their place to help me and I will not bother them anymore. I’ve lost all hope for a something better than mediocrity.
If someone comes to me with their problems, I will gladly sit and listen. I do not mind at all, but I always feel like I am bugging someone when I talk through my problems, especially when they trivialize my problems by constantly reminding me that I could have it worse. Also, when they point out all the good things I have going in my life and that I should focus on that. I DO! I do treasure my friends and family. I swear if it wasn’t for them as my safety net, I would have offed myself a long time ago. Even worse is when they seem completely and totally uninterested and dismiss you as quickly as possible. You see, that’s the problem with mental illness and things like depression. You know there are good things in your life and although you focus on them, your mind doesn’t let you stay happy. Is it chemical? Is it mental? I have no idea, but my shitty job doesn’t provide insurance so I can’t find out through a professional. I know there is some sort of problem when you are awakened in the middle of the night because of an anxiety attack and you cry for no reason.
My only solution is to accept my lot in life and keep on living a decent life, treating others with kindness and respect, all so I can see my family on the other side when my time comes That’s it. Nothing more. I am done. Sorry for ever bothering anyone. Ya se acabo.
I had a breakdown at work today. A pretty bad one too; the kind where you ball yourself up in a corner and cry and sob uncontrollably for half an hour and basically make an ass of yourself in front of your hot co-worker and supervisor. When asked what was wrong, all I could respond with was I wish I could die to make all the hurting go away.
Lately I have been very bad about expressing my emotions. I got tired of bothering everyone with my problems so I bottled them up and regurgitated them into my paper journal. I did it so much that one pen is dead and I have finished the journal. I wrote 156 pages in three months and have started a new one.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…I am done. I am giving up. Not with my life necessarily (gotta live to see my family on the other side), but with everything else. I am giving up trying to make my life better and all that jazz. I am giving up looking for a better job and I am giving up trying to find a decent girl (that's a whole other mess I won't get into today). It's no use. It's a waste of time, breath, and energy. I can use my time, breath, and energy for something more useful like continuing my mediocre existence. There is no use looking for jobs because every site has the same listings they've had since September and I have applied and applied and applied and applied and all I ever get are shitty jobs calling back. This fucking sucks.
I am stuck in this mediocre life with a shitty job, shitty car, still single after EIGHT fucking years (God forbid someone reciprocate my feelings for them. I get interested in women so rarely, but I actually gave up on that a long time ago), and pathetically enough, living at home. Jesus Christ, I am such a pathetic fuck-up that I can’t even handle my finances enough to be independent and live on my own. Thank God for my parents who love me and take me back. I am inadequate. I am a failure. I am a nobody. I am nothing and according to my mom I am immature and something else I will not mention. People only hear me talk and tolerate me because I can make them laugh. My friends and family are the only things that keep me alive, but I am through bothering anyone with my silly, stupid, mundane problems. I swear it might be the depression talking, but I sometimes feel like people only listen to me bitch because they feel obligated to. The point is my problems are my problems and I should never, ever burden anyone with my constant whining, bitching, and moaning, even if they ask to hear it. Like I said, I am through. I am done with the complaining and the sorrow. I am done looking for a new job. I am through depending on other people’s help to locate a better job. It was never their place to help me and I will not bother them anymore. I’ve lost all hope for a something better than mediocrity.
If someone comes to me with their problems, I will gladly sit and listen. I do not mind at all, but I always feel like I am bugging someone when I talk through my problems, especially when they trivialize my problems by constantly reminding me that I could have it worse. Also, when they point out all the good things I have going in my life and that I should focus on that. I DO! I do treasure my friends and family. I swear if it wasn’t for them as my safety net, I would have offed myself a long time ago. Even worse is when they seem completely and totally uninterested and dismiss you as quickly as possible. You see, that’s the problem with mental illness and things like depression. You know there are good things in your life and although you focus on them, your mind doesn’t let you stay happy. Is it chemical? Is it mental? I have no idea, but my shitty job doesn’t provide insurance so I can’t find out through a professional. I know there is some sort of problem when you are awakened in the middle of the night because of an anxiety attack and you cry for no reason.
My only solution is to accept my lot in life and keep on living a decent life, treating others with kindness and respect, all so I can see my family on the other side when my time comes That’s it. Nothing more. I am done. Sorry for ever bothering anyone. Ya se acabo.