(no subject)
Some people don't understand the definition of depression or what it feels like. Some people will never understand the abysmal pits of darkness one can plunge into where the only escape that seems possible is rushing into a decision you won't live to regret. I am not trying to sound all emo and shit, but it's true. Some people say they listen, but they don't. Some people say they care, but they don't. You treat people with respect, love, honesty, and harmony, all the ways you want to get treated and instead you are met with strife, disrespect, and ungratefulness. They look down on you. They don't know how you feel or what you're going through. They can't grasp the concept so they spit in your face. You tell them what's wrong and they point out what's right. You tell them the things that make you feel like you want to die, and they point out the things that should make you want to live. No. Wrong. I know I have things that I should be grateful for, and I truly am grateful for those things. In reality, if it wasn't for those things, I would have been in the ground a long time ago. No one listens, they just hear, and they dominate conversations which should be either one way in your favor or equal. You feel like anyone you talk to you are bothering, even if they say you are not. You know when you are bothering someone. Everyone has heard you bitch and moan and complain and paid their penny and though you need to talk more, you don't. You don’t feel like bringing your shit to other people anymore. Although I am surrounded by people, I feel so alone, all the time. So, you sink quietly into yourself and you sulk and mope. You rot slowly on the inside every second of every day. You smile and it hurts. The only light at the end of the tunnel is the knowledge that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. If you don't die while you are in the depths of an uncontrollable downward spiral of depression, you will come out stronger and wiser, but also more cold, calloused, apathetic, and jaded. These qualities will make you numb and immune to anything that might want to hurt you in the future. At least I will come out that way, if I live through it. This is NOT a suicide note. This is NOT a cry for help. This is NOT some juvenile act done in order to generate attention. These are my feelings that have been haunting me for quite some time. They pester me and gnaw at my mind. They infiltrate and infect my soul. After my event last week, I have not been the same. I cry for no reason. I shake. My hands are unsteady. It's unsettling especially when you have always been steady of hand. I see no end near. I have to be so much to be grateful for, and I swear to God those are the only things keeping me here on this corporeal plane of existence. I feel alone and bothersome. I feel immature and inadequate both as a man and as a human being. I know there are people that are way worse off than I am. There are people much more disenfranchised than I could ever imagine. I am aware of the woes that plague our world. I am not them though. I am me and these are the thing I am feeling and going through. These are all the things I feel regardless of what everyone else says I should be feeling. I feel alone and misunderstood. I feel like a sub-human, like my existence does not matter and if I left this earth for whatever reason, it wouldn't matter. I can not emphasize or reiterate enough the fact that this is NOT a pity party and by no means a stupid attempt at attention. This is what I feel. This is who I am. And fuck it, if you wanna call me emo or gay or overly sensitive or whatever, have at it. What I am feeling I don't even wish upon my worst enemies. The worst part is the reasons that make me feel the way I do. Feeling bad about what is making you feel bad is awful. That is just another thing that brings you down. I’m done with this shit. This rant is over. There will be no more post or blogs or bitching or moaning. I’m through. I’m done. I’m out. Now, if anyone asks what’s wrong, they can read the answer which lies somewhere in this long, convoluted post. I no longer have to answer to anyone, explain myself, or bother anyone again.