The Next Day
Even though I was determined to not get back with her, I talked to Ashley last night on the phone for hours. I was the only thing stopping her from going off to her dads and getting raped, running away, and potentially trying to kill herself all over again.
What I heard was the saddest shit of all time. She personally apologized to my mom, and said to tell my whole family 'thank you' for making her feel like a part of the family when she was here, and that was the only sense of comfort she ever got in that way - since her own is so fucked up.
She told me the reason why she's been so cold these three months. That she was afraid to love & be loved, cause whenever thats happened before - she wound up being used, abused, and ultimately discarded. She didn't want that again - but now she and even her racist mother understand I did nothing but good. She demanded another chance, so she can show me who she truly is - no front.
I wanted to, but I'd have felt powerless over my own self if I gave in that quickly. I told her I'm open to it in the future though - whether that be months, weeks, or days. She's still coming to see Wu-Tang next Friday, so that night could make or break us.
With everything sweet and looking up - I was supposed to go to school today to see her. I woke up, considered yesterday, and just couldn't. She called me about an hour ago.
Two guys noticed she didn't have the ring anymore and asked why - another asked her to the movies. What kind of shit is that. She gave them summarized versions of the story, and said 'no' to the movies guy, and reminded me she can't control other people - but it hurt to even know. Her being single is like candy to a flock of birds. My biggest fear was always we'd split temporarily and she'd be off fucking another man. If it weren't for her dedication - she would be dating another one tonight. So terrible.
I don't know what to do. Let nature take its course for a little while and see where we end up? Act like we're together until we actually are? I don't know.
I told her I need some serious security if I do get back with her. I said I wanted her to actually get that tattoo with my name she was talking about, (since she blew it with the ring,) and I want mine - which she already bought. Apparently she spent $600 on that shit. God-damn.
And Until Next Time . . .
Wu-Tang Is So Beast