(no subject)
What's a person to do if he's feeling lonely, but doesn't want to be around anybody? What's a person to do if he's in a place so dark that neither he nor others can see him?
I guess I'm just really bummed. I've been feeling this way for the past few days and I just haven't been feeling any better at all. I've been lashing out at everyone for any old reason and it's starting to frighten me. I've even been rather vocal and explicit in my complaints at work. I haven't been filtering my negative thoughts when I'm around friends. I'll say something in the cruelest, most deliberate manner and mean it. I've been burning my bridges left and right, as well as those behind and before me. I've gotten to a point at which I don't even want to finish college, even though it's my last year. Not to mention, I'm so wound up that my knots have knots.
I just keep isolating myself, hoping that I can eventually regain enough composure to continue hiding behind the smiles all of you see when you're with me. I'm sick of hiding behind them, but here I am, hiding beneath another rock, burying the anguish, the fear, and the hatred that consumes me on a daily basis with a simple smile or laugh. I can't stand the lonliness, yet it's always been conforting.
Testy doesn't even describe how I feel right now. Depressed can't describe it either. Not even a combination of the two. I'm lost. Confused. Feeling hopeless. That's the best I can convey my feelings.
I'm caught in this endless downward spiral and I want to find a way out of it. I want help from friends, yet, at the same time, I don't want it. Same applies to talking. I'm a mess right now...a mess that's just going to get worse and worse. How much worse? I don't know. All I really know is that I won't resort to extreme dispalys or actions.
Seriously, I'm frightening myself. I've been in some dark, pissy moods before...but nothing like this.
I guess I'm just really bummed. I've been feeling this way for the past few days and I just haven't been feeling any better at all. I've been lashing out at everyone for any old reason and it's starting to frighten me. I've even been rather vocal and explicit in my complaints at work. I haven't been filtering my negative thoughts when I'm around friends. I'll say something in the cruelest, most deliberate manner and mean it. I've been burning my bridges left and right, as well as those behind and before me. I've gotten to a point at which I don't even want to finish college, even though it's my last year. Not to mention, I'm so wound up that my knots have knots.
I just keep isolating myself, hoping that I can eventually regain enough composure to continue hiding behind the smiles all of you see when you're with me. I'm sick of hiding behind them, but here I am, hiding beneath another rock, burying the anguish, the fear, and the hatred that consumes me on a daily basis with a simple smile or laugh. I can't stand the lonliness, yet it's always been conforting.
Testy doesn't even describe how I feel right now. Depressed can't describe it either. Not even a combination of the two. I'm lost. Confused. Feeling hopeless. That's the best I can convey my feelings.
I'm caught in this endless downward spiral and I want to find a way out of it. I want help from friends, yet, at the same time, I don't want it. Same applies to talking. I'm a mess right now...a mess that's just going to get worse and worse. How much worse? I don't know. All I really know is that I won't resort to extreme dispalys or actions.
Seriously, I'm frightening myself. I've been in some dark, pissy moods before...but nothing like this.