Fuck this noise
After a busy week with my mom here, and then sister in law and her friend here for a couple nights.....I am fighting the tow of depression. All of this is a constant under current. Having mom and then Leisha and Kate here just distracted me for a while, gave me a chance to take some respite from my feelings.
I have sunk in to one of those states, just over night, where it feels like there really is no point to any of this. 'This' being my life. What's it all for? I have an amazing loving husband. I have my pets, I have my own home. Jeezuz, and I've even been able to drive a bit over the last week or so. But still the pervasive plaguing feelings of where do I go? What do I do with myself? How can I keep doing this? I want to work, but I know I don't have the energy, plus recovering from a relapse, so I'm sticking to the bits and pieces of fill in work. I'm getting out with the dogs more. Nothing is helping. I hate looking in the mirror, I feel like my face is changing, because of the twitching, because of the neuro stuff on the left side of my face, because I can't get enough exercise to lose this baggy flabby shell.
This week with people I love should have refreshed me, should have done some good-and it did for a while, like a temporary staunching of the blood flow-but now I feel bereft. Almost like, this is what it could be like were these people close. Maybe. Things wouldn't feel so damn heavy, so monotonous, so dogged. They didn't while my mom was here helping.
I can't go and get my dog training certification because there's no way I can keep up, and they can't make special allowances for me. I can barely work. I don't feel any motivation to write, and I'm sick to death of watching tv. I want a life I can count on damn it. I've been fostering, but I'm not sure if I have the energy for another right away, we'll see.
I want to over do it, wear myself out, anything to just escape feeling like this. I've spent enough of my frigging life feeling like this, I don't want to waste any more time on it. I went out, did a couple errands, washed, dressed, did some chores at home. Usually something sparks and I can breathe again if I do those things. Not today. I'll have to buckle down and wait for it to pass.
I have sunk in to one of those states, just over night, where it feels like there really is no point to any of this. 'This' being my life. What's it all for? I have an amazing loving husband. I have my pets, I have my own home. Jeezuz, and I've even been able to drive a bit over the last week or so. But still the pervasive plaguing feelings of where do I go? What do I do with myself? How can I keep doing this? I want to work, but I know I don't have the energy, plus recovering from a relapse, so I'm sticking to the bits and pieces of fill in work. I'm getting out with the dogs more. Nothing is helping. I hate looking in the mirror, I feel like my face is changing, because of the twitching, because of the neuro stuff on the left side of my face, because I can't get enough exercise to lose this baggy flabby shell.
This week with people I love should have refreshed me, should have done some good-and it did for a while, like a temporary staunching of the blood flow-but now I feel bereft. Almost like, this is what it could be like were these people close. Maybe. Things wouldn't feel so damn heavy, so monotonous, so dogged. They didn't while my mom was here helping.
I can't go and get my dog training certification because there's no way I can keep up, and they can't make special allowances for me. I can barely work. I don't feel any motivation to write, and I'm sick to death of watching tv. I want a life I can count on damn it. I've been fostering, but I'm not sure if I have the energy for another right away, we'll see.
I want to over do it, wear myself out, anything to just escape feeling like this. I've spent enough of my frigging life feeling like this, I don't want to waste any more time on it. I went out, did a couple errands, washed, dressed, did some chores at home. Usually something sparks and I can breathe again if I do those things. Not today. I'll have to buckle down and wait for it to pass.