I will love you till the end of time
I'm sick to death of sitting up at night like this. My head is just so full of thoughts and worries, I can't stop thinking to get any damn sleep.
There are electricians coming in the morning, and by morning I mean, in about 4 hours. I'm super uncomfortable with having people in my home. I haven't decided what I'm gonna do yet. Maybe full on panic, barfing and hiding in the bathroom for a couple hours, OR I could go on a stress cleaning binge and scrub the shit out of everything that holds still, OR I could just lay in bed and cry, OR I could take a really long bath and just keep filling up the water so I don't have to hear the people crawling around inside the ceiling, OR I could go down and start sanding the paint chips off my car. SO MANY GREAT OPTIONS! In reality they're not really options because when it comes down to it I don't really get to choose which one I'm capable of doing at the time. It will choose me. Coping mechanisms, you strip me down to the weak little thing I've become.
It's only temporary, shouldn't take much time at all and Alex will be here with me. It's kind of ridiculous how scared I get of something that everyone else finds commonplace. I can't even talk about it with anyone because most of the time my fears are so irrelevant and baseless that there's nowhere to go from "I'm just scared of it". Well buck up buttercup, pull it together moonflower, Jesus, it's gonna be fine! What's the worst goddamn thing that can happen? Really? I'll be tired from all the stressing and panicking and I'll take an extra long nap?
The thing that's really fucking with my head is, this is a small repair and I'm flipping my shit, but in a couple days they're gonna come in and remove all of our windows, it's gonna take all day. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO? This could seriously not be coming at a worse time. I've lived here for almost 8 years, never had a problem with agoraphobia, never had issues being around people. All the sudden I'm housebound and immediately they're ripping off all the siding and fucking with all the electrical and removing all the goddamn windows. What the fuck? If they'd done this last Summer I could have happily gone over to a friends house, but no, course not, gotta wait until I'm having a housebound mental breakdown to invade my private space and terrorize me.
My therapist had to cancel yesterday, which was relieving at the time but I did really want to tell her how uncomfortable all this house stuff has gotten me. I might have to call her later from my bathroom hideout (assuming that's where I'll be) and have her calm me down while I'm throwing my shit fit. God, I just hope they're gone before Alex has to leave for class. I can't be around people on my own. That doesn't even make any sense, "I can't be around people on my own." Sigh.
It's nearly 4, gotta be up at 7:30. Wish me all the luck.
There are electricians coming in the morning, and by morning I mean, in about 4 hours. I'm super uncomfortable with having people in my home. I haven't decided what I'm gonna do yet. Maybe full on panic, barfing and hiding in the bathroom for a couple hours, OR I could go on a stress cleaning binge and scrub the shit out of everything that holds still, OR I could just lay in bed and cry, OR I could take a really long bath and just keep filling up the water so I don't have to hear the people crawling around inside the ceiling, OR I could go down and start sanding the paint chips off my car. SO MANY GREAT OPTIONS! In reality they're not really options because when it comes down to it I don't really get to choose which one I'm capable of doing at the time. It will choose me. Coping mechanisms, you strip me down to the weak little thing I've become.
It's only temporary, shouldn't take much time at all and Alex will be here with me. It's kind of ridiculous how scared I get of something that everyone else finds commonplace. I can't even talk about it with anyone because most of the time my fears are so irrelevant and baseless that there's nowhere to go from "I'm just scared of it". Well buck up buttercup, pull it together moonflower, Jesus, it's gonna be fine! What's the worst goddamn thing that can happen? Really? I'll be tired from all the stressing and panicking and I'll take an extra long nap?
The thing that's really fucking with my head is, this is a small repair and I'm flipping my shit, but in a couple days they're gonna come in and remove all of our windows, it's gonna take all day. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO? This could seriously not be coming at a worse time. I've lived here for almost 8 years, never had a problem with agoraphobia, never had issues being around people. All the sudden I'm housebound and immediately they're ripping off all the siding and fucking with all the electrical and removing all the goddamn windows. What the fuck? If they'd done this last Summer I could have happily gone over to a friends house, but no, course not, gotta wait until I'm having a housebound mental breakdown to invade my private space and terrorize me.
My therapist had to cancel yesterday, which was relieving at the time but I did really want to tell her how uncomfortable all this house stuff has gotten me. I might have to call her later from my bathroom hideout (assuming that's where I'll be) and have her calm me down while I'm throwing my shit fit. God, I just hope they're gone before Alex has to leave for class. I can't be around people on my own. That doesn't even make any sense, "I can't be around people on my own." Sigh.
It's nearly 4, gotta be up at 7:30. Wish me all the luck.