I should just say my prayers and light myself on fire and walk out on the wire once again
I had my first appointment with new therapist. I survived. I didn't break down and die like I thought I would. But afterwards I was so depressed. I just tried not to move for a couple hours. We filled out paperwork and talked about treatment and goals and money. This is going to be a lot of work. But what else do I have going on?
I guess my family background is just a perfect storm for an anxiety disorder. Is that reassuring? I know it's not good.
I want to write tonight but I'm just so unfocused. Not enough sleep and too much to think about. Apparently my insomnia is a much larger deal than I thought it was. I'm just so used to not sleeping that I deem it normal but I guess it's just terrible for you. Who knew. Even more pressure on me to sleep, which is something I can't do because I'm usually stressing too hard about other things. Now I'll stress about my health too. That should help.
It sounds like she's going to help me deal with my depression/insomnia/anxiety/panic disorder and have a separate person help me with my agoraphobia. I don't know. I just don't want to talk to people that can't help. I'm sick of having my mental health issues be a fun topic for my friends and family to gossip about. I just want to talk to people who can help heal me. Not those who'll use my pain and suffering for fodder. I want to be past this. I want to be able to fight my own battles and to look people in the eye when they want to talk shit about me. I want to be able to stand up for myself! I'm so sick of being this weak. "We're just talking about you because we're so worried about you." Well you can fuck right off. The last thing that's gonna help me is my unhappiness and my therapy being brought up in discussion as entertainment. I'm really breaking here. This is not a joke. I'm going to stop discussing my progress with my friends, my family. It's no ones business but my own (she says on livejournal) I'll reappear when I'm all better, without a goddamn thing to say about it. And all the people that stuck around I will be eternally grateful for, and those who didn't will get a swift kick in the ass. Or more likely, just none of my help or attention ever again. I'm extra fucking bitter lately. I think it's because this therapy stuff has gotten me so far out of my safety zone that I'm responding with anger. It's what I'm using as a barrier, to protect myself. It's juvenile.
And there's the thing, the other thing, that's omnipresent but nonexistent at the same time. It's all I can think of but nothing I can talk about. I will keep writing songs with it, for as long as I can. Such a welcome distraction. Anything that helps me create I will hold onto. For as long as I can.
You can see a million miles tonight but you can't get very far.
I guess my family background is just a perfect storm for an anxiety disorder. Is that reassuring? I know it's not good.
I want to write tonight but I'm just so unfocused. Not enough sleep and too much to think about. Apparently my insomnia is a much larger deal than I thought it was. I'm just so used to not sleeping that I deem it normal but I guess it's just terrible for you. Who knew. Even more pressure on me to sleep, which is something I can't do because I'm usually stressing too hard about other things. Now I'll stress about my health too. That should help.
It sounds like she's going to help me deal with my depression/insomnia/anxiety/panic disorder and have a separate person help me with my agoraphobia. I don't know. I just don't want to talk to people that can't help. I'm sick of having my mental health issues be a fun topic for my friends and family to gossip about. I just want to talk to people who can help heal me. Not those who'll use my pain and suffering for fodder. I want to be past this. I want to be able to fight my own battles and to look people in the eye when they want to talk shit about me. I want to be able to stand up for myself! I'm so sick of being this weak. "We're just talking about you because we're so worried about you." Well you can fuck right off. The last thing that's gonna help me is my unhappiness and my therapy being brought up in discussion as entertainment. I'm really breaking here. This is not a joke. I'm going to stop discussing my progress with my friends, my family. It's no ones business but my own (she says on livejournal) I'll reappear when I'm all better, without a goddamn thing to say about it. And all the people that stuck around I will be eternally grateful for, and those who didn't will get a swift kick in the ass. Or more likely, just none of my help or attention ever again. I'm extra fucking bitter lately. I think it's because this therapy stuff has gotten me so far out of my safety zone that I'm responding with anger. It's what I'm using as a barrier, to protect myself. It's juvenile.
And there's the thing, the other thing, that's omnipresent but nonexistent at the same time. It's all I can think of but nothing I can talk about. I will keep writing songs with it, for as long as I can. Such a welcome distraction. Anything that helps me create I will hold onto. For as long as I can.
You can see a million miles tonight but you can't get very far.