you could never publish my love
I've been doing ok. Better than I was. Not as good as a I will be. Sleep is still elusive, if not more so than before, but I have been trying harder for it. Therapy is going alright. Most days I don't feel like I'm going to die, it really depends on the day though. I'm going to be trying desensitization therapy for my agoraphobia soon. I've been in therapy for almost 2 months, I assumed I would have more resources by now; medication, more concrete coping techniques. But no, I've got what I've got, I've memorized what I've read, I've practiced the the methods that have been taught to me. It will all be coming from inside of me, and that thought alone is terrifying. I don't feel like I'm ready but when I'm on the verge of tears Chris reminds me that I called her, I'm the one who wanted this, I'm the one making this happen, I'm doing this for me. I stopped going outside because it hurt so bad, because the anxiety and panic was just too much and it feels like this kind of desensitization is reintroducing that kind of unhappiness back into my life. Not that the unhappiness actually went anywhere, I'm still wracked with fear at least once a day, on a good day, but I somehow feel like I'm safer in here than out there.
I have these self affirmations, all of which I would have scoffed at when I was younger but now are the only things I can cling to when I find myself in an overwhelming situation. "I've survived this before and I'll survive this time too. I deserve to feel ok right now. I can be anxious and still deal with this situation." And my personal favorite, "you can't change the way things are happening but you can change your reaction to them."
I thought when I got better that things would change. Maybe I've had an unrealistic expectation for what "better" means. It's still going to be me, same faulty principles, same need to rebel yet ferociously follow the rules, same understanding of the world, just with a very different way of coping. I think I assumed I'd come out of this experience with some sort of Zen understanding of how to deal with life, instead I'll be coming out of this as myself, just with a lot more information in my brain about why I'm so scared all the time and what I should do about it. Chris assumes I'll need medication for a while but only for a bit. I honestly do not see how I can go the rest of my life feeling like this, even with the techniques I've learned for coping, even if they become commonplace, I'll still be anxious, still be unhappy, still be worried in every situation that involves a dog, or an elevator, or a crowded room, or a trip far from home for the rest of my life. I will just have learned to cope with the overwhelming fear, I will still always be scared, just now armed with the tools to combat that fear. I would like that fear to be gone. I want to learn how to make it go away. But I guess no one is really happy, and the unhappiness is where our inspiration blossoms from. I will continue to write my way through this. In my songbook, in my silly anxiety journal, who knows, maybe in a couple years I can compile it, called it "Ashley Dunham, The Lost Year, A Memoir." A look inside the mind of a crazed genius! Or something.
For now I'm just going to keep on doing what I've been doing, reading the books and filling out the forms and practicing the exercises, in the hopes that someday I can renew my license, someday I can see my family again, and someday, even if I'm not happy while I'm doing it, I can move on.
I have these self affirmations, all of which I would have scoffed at when I was younger but now are the only things I can cling to when I find myself in an overwhelming situation. "I've survived this before and I'll survive this time too. I deserve to feel ok right now. I can be anxious and still deal with this situation." And my personal favorite, "you can't change the way things are happening but you can change your reaction to them."
I thought when I got better that things would change. Maybe I've had an unrealistic expectation for what "better" means. It's still going to be me, same faulty principles, same need to rebel yet ferociously follow the rules, same understanding of the world, just with a very different way of coping. I think I assumed I'd come out of this experience with some sort of Zen understanding of how to deal with life, instead I'll be coming out of this as myself, just with a lot more information in my brain about why I'm so scared all the time and what I should do about it. Chris assumes I'll need medication for a while but only for a bit. I honestly do not see how I can go the rest of my life feeling like this, even with the techniques I've learned for coping, even if they become commonplace, I'll still be anxious, still be unhappy, still be worried in every situation that involves a dog, or an elevator, or a crowded room, or a trip far from home for the rest of my life. I will just have learned to cope with the overwhelming fear, I will still always be scared, just now armed with the tools to combat that fear. I would like that fear to be gone. I want to learn how to make it go away. But I guess no one is really happy, and the unhappiness is where our inspiration blossoms from. I will continue to write my way through this. In my songbook, in my silly anxiety journal, who knows, maybe in a couple years I can compile it, called it "Ashley Dunham, The Lost Year, A Memoir." A look inside the mind of a crazed genius! Or something.
For now I'm just going to keep on doing what I've been doing, reading the books and filling out the forms and practicing the exercises, in the hopes that someday I can renew my license, someday I can see my family again, and someday, even if I'm not happy while I'm doing it, I can move on.