It's like faxing a person... THROUGH TIME!!
So as many of you know, I recently started a temp job at an airline. Basically I am reformating pdf's for maintenance procedures, which (amazingly) turned out to be about as exciting as it sounds. Anyway the point is, to keep my sanity I have begun consuming digital audio entertainment with a ravenous hunger to keep myself in the realm of the only slightly insane. One such form of entertainment has been Audiobooks (I'm coming to the point I promise!) and one of these audiobooks was "Timeline" by Michael Crichton. I've been working through this book for the past week and am about halfway through it (its 14 hours long). So far I have been enjoying the book; it's one of Crichton's better books in my opinion. However, after listening to the book, I got the idea in my head to check out the movie. I mean afterall it has Gerrard "SPARTANS!!!" Butler and Billy "Il Duche" Connelly in it. Surely they could cancel out Paul Walker... surely it was better then "Sphere" (aka Sharon Stone screaming) right? Right?
God forgive me for my naviety.... I was so wrong. So very very wrong. All who know me personally need to drop to their knees and thank the deity of their choosing (Hades might be appropriate) that I decided to view this abomination by myself and not insist others join me. I may never be the same.
As I sit here, daring to recall details from the horror I witnessed, I am struck by the notion that "Timeline" was devoid of any and all redeemable qualities. Honestly, I could spend a whole post writing about how terrible Paul "poor man's Ben Affleck" Walker acting performance was; however this movie has so many other flaws I will just make one observation and move on. In the book, the character he plays is a history graduate student who treats his professor like a father. In the movie, his character is the actual playboy son of the professor who spends the first 20 minutes of the movie whining about how he hates history. Why the change? Well my personal theory is that the director decided that no one in their right mind would ever accept Walker as an intellectual/academic. Which is true, especially considering Walker spends the majority of the movie flailing around like a muppet on crack. (On a side note, how bad to you have to be to be rejected for a "intellectual" role? I mean even Tara Reid played a scientist once.)
As far as following the book goes, this "thing" (it honestly pains me to call this a movie), bears only a passing resemblance to the book. The first 2 hours of the (audio)book are condensed into the first three minutes of the movie. I'm not even exagerating here. All the little things like exposition, character developement, and plot are just thrown out the window. Gone too are the "psuedo-science" discussions on the technology that actually make the audience think a little bit. In the story Crichton spends a fair amount of time breaking down and explaining the technology and a basic theory behind it (and also goes through great pains to say that what they are doing isn't time travel). In the movie the only explanation you really get is, and I quote: "Its like a fax, but through time". AAAAAAAAHHHH!!! MY BRAIN IS MELTING!
The enitre movie moves at a frantic pace. For example, (and for those who don't know/want to know the story basically involves a team going to the 1300s/alternate universe to rescue a professor who got trapped there) when the team first "lands" in the past, the leader of the group starts explaining how they can get home. Suddenly someone runs through the screen, yells "Run!" and then a knight shows up and kills a member of the team. This all takes place in about 30-45 seconds from the begining of the scene. The rest of the movie continues with its spastic and confusing theme; people start flipping out at the oddest moments, supposed professors of history are driven to screaming murdering madness in about two seconds, and all the while Paul Walker is flailing... always flailing.
Nothing good can be said of this movie. The characters do not act consistently, the story is cookie cutter B.S. (also completly unique to the movie as from what I can tell the book has a completely different conflict/story), and the action is abysmal to the point of nausea. I can only hope and pray that with time and counseling I might be able to move past the wounds I inflicted on myself last night. Maybe one day I'll be able to re-enter society, but I fear that one look at Paul Walker will cause an irrecoverable relapse. I suppose only time will tell.
God forgive me for my naviety.... I was so wrong. So very very wrong. All who know me personally need to drop to their knees and thank the deity of their choosing (Hades might be appropriate) that I decided to view this abomination by myself and not insist others join me. I may never be the same.
As I sit here, daring to recall details from the horror I witnessed, I am struck by the notion that "Timeline" was devoid of any and all redeemable qualities. Honestly, I could spend a whole post writing about how terrible Paul "poor man's Ben Affleck" Walker acting performance was; however this movie has so many other flaws I will just make one observation and move on. In the book, the character he plays is a history graduate student who treats his professor like a father. In the movie, his character is the actual playboy son of the professor who spends the first 20 minutes of the movie whining about how he hates history. Why the change? Well my personal theory is that the director decided that no one in their right mind would ever accept Walker as an intellectual/academic. Which is true, especially considering Walker spends the majority of the movie flailing around like a muppet on crack. (On a side note, how bad to you have to be to be rejected for a "intellectual" role? I mean even Tara Reid played a scientist once.)
As far as following the book goes, this "thing" (it honestly pains me to call this a movie), bears only a passing resemblance to the book. The first 2 hours of the (audio)book are condensed into the first three minutes of the movie. I'm not even exagerating here. All the little things like exposition, character developement, and plot are just thrown out the window. Gone too are the "psuedo-science" discussions on the technology that actually make the audience think a little bit. In the story Crichton spends a fair amount of time breaking down and explaining the technology and a basic theory behind it (and also goes through great pains to say that what they are doing isn't time travel). In the movie the only explanation you really get is, and I quote: "Its like a fax, but through time". AAAAAAAAHHHH!!! MY BRAIN IS MELTING!
The enitre movie moves at a frantic pace. For example, (and for those who don't know/want to know the story basically involves a team going to the 1300s/alternate universe to rescue a professor who got trapped there) when the team first "lands" in the past, the leader of the group starts explaining how they can get home. Suddenly someone runs through the screen, yells "Run!" and then a knight shows up and kills a member of the team. This all takes place in about 30-45 seconds from the begining of the scene. The rest of the movie continues with its spastic and confusing theme; people start flipping out at the oddest moments, supposed professors of history are driven to screaming murdering madness in about two seconds, and all the while Paul Walker is flailing... always flailing.
Nothing good can be said of this movie. The characters do not act consistently, the story is cookie cutter B.S. (also completly unique to the movie as from what I can tell the book has a completely different conflict/story), and the action is abysmal to the point of nausea. I can only hope and pray that with time and counseling I might be able to move past the wounds I inflicted on myself last night. Maybe one day I'll be able to re-enter society, but I fear that one look at Paul Walker will cause an irrecoverable relapse. I suppose only time will tell.