dear benji ham.

[thatsxsoxfetchx]

so.
today.
august 11, 2006 will be exactly 11 months.
it feels so weird, and i feel so empty at times without him.

like dating hunter.
when hunter goes to put his arms around me.
i don't feel right. i feel so uncomfortable.
i think its become i'm not ready to be physically close with anyone.

but i'm not sure.
he kissed me the other day.
and it just went right through me, in a bad way.
like i didn't even have a feeling toward it.
i just ignored it kind of.

i feel like such a bad person.
but maybe i still need time.
and i just didn't realize it?

i'm now enrolled at CS.
i'll get a paper in the mail.
i'll meet with my advisor.
i'll registar for classes.
i did my FAFSA(way late might I add).
so all i'm waiting on is if i'll get loans.
if not college wont be in the cards for me this year.
sadly.

bills are starting to eat me alive.
i need to do something to get rid of them.
like go back to school that'll kill paying my loans back.
since i'll be full time again.
(i think)
and then all i'll have is car insurance and cell phone bill.
and the old navy bill(i need to just pay that off completely.)
and i need a new job.
if someone could help me out with that.
thanks.

and dear ben.
i really do miss you.
i have no idea if you'll read this.
i'm not asking you to drop your life and come back to me.
i'm just saying i miss you dearly.
you were the biggest part of me and i still haven't been able to completley fill that hole.
and i still love you more than i could ever express.
no body on this planet will ever mean to me what you meant to me.
i hope things are going well for you.
and i hope you're truly happy.

i miss you.