(no subject)
Weekend = FAIL.
completely blew my points, despite bringing healthy food. i *feel* 20 pounds heavier. i probably gained at least 4 or 5 pounds. i wish i were exaggerating, but thinking back over all the shit i literally shoved into my mouth over the past few days, it could be entirely possible.
i scared myself with how much i ate. it was like all of my worst possible habits came back to hit me all at once and i had absolutely no control or concern.
why is this happening to me now? why, after over 80 pounds lost, am i doing this to myself? if i read about other people's success over the holiday weekend, i just want to punch myself because i could've been successful too and totally chose not to.
i'm past the point of feeling sorry for myself. i'm not crying. i'm even trying to have a sense of humor about it, but overall, i'm soooooo pissed at myself. what angers me the most is that i went out of my way to pack all sorts of healthy stuff to last me the whole weekend and i STILL completely fucked up. and even if i hadn't brought all that healthy stuff, there was enough of a variety of other food that i could've made good choices and still stayed within my points.
i don't know. it's like the minute i leave home, i leave my strong, healthy self behind. i packed everything else for the trip except my willpower. and it's frustrating to look back at previous holidays/social gatherings where i did perfectly fine and tracked everything and LOST weight. why am i having such a hard time repeating those days? i mean, i lost weight over Thanksgiving for crying out loud! why the fuck did i let the 4th of July turn into a 3 day binge? why did i completely give up on myself AGAIN?! i haven't had a normal-eating week in over a month now.
gah. i suppose thinking about what i could've done differently won't make a difference now, so i might as well stop wasting my time. i will, once again, move on and get back on track.
and although i totally appreciate the support of everyone who reads this blog, i've disabled comments, for obvious reasons. i'm feeling lost. i'm feeling like i did at 248 pounds. Fat and lost. and for the past month, i've been fighting against this vague, desperate feeling that comes back to haunt me week after week. i don't know where it's coming from and i don't know how to get rid of it.
i can't say "oh, it was just one bad weekend," because it hasn't been just one. it's been several.
ANYWHO. i took today off from work, so i might as well get a move on things. i need to workout (duh), clean house, do laundry, run a couple of errands and then get ready to see a friend visiting from out of town tonight. i need to work myself out of this shit mood. not sure how i'm going to do it, but i've got to try.
completely blew my points, despite bringing healthy food. i *feel* 20 pounds heavier. i probably gained at least 4 or 5 pounds. i wish i were exaggerating, but thinking back over all the shit i literally shoved into my mouth over the past few days, it could be entirely possible.
i scared myself with how much i ate. it was like all of my worst possible habits came back to hit me all at once and i had absolutely no control or concern.
why is this happening to me now? why, after over 80 pounds lost, am i doing this to myself? if i read about other people's success over the holiday weekend, i just want to punch myself because i could've been successful too and totally chose not to.
i'm past the point of feeling sorry for myself. i'm not crying. i'm even trying to have a sense of humor about it, but overall, i'm soooooo pissed at myself. what angers me the most is that i went out of my way to pack all sorts of healthy stuff to last me the whole weekend and i STILL completely fucked up. and even if i hadn't brought all that healthy stuff, there was enough of a variety of other food that i could've made good choices and still stayed within my points.
i don't know. it's like the minute i leave home, i leave my strong, healthy self behind. i packed everything else for the trip except my willpower. and it's frustrating to look back at previous holidays/social gatherings where i did perfectly fine and tracked everything and LOST weight. why am i having such a hard time repeating those days? i mean, i lost weight over Thanksgiving for crying out loud! why the fuck did i let the 4th of July turn into a 3 day binge? why did i completely give up on myself AGAIN?! i haven't had a normal-eating week in over a month now.
gah. i suppose thinking about what i could've done differently won't make a difference now, so i might as well stop wasting my time. i will, once again, move on and get back on track.
and although i totally appreciate the support of everyone who reads this blog, i've disabled comments, for obvious reasons. i'm feeling lost. i'm feeling like i did at 248 pounds. Fat and lost. and for the past month, i've been fighting against this vague, desperate feeling that comes back to haunt me week after week. i don't know where it's coming from and i don't know how to get rid of it.
i can't say "oh, it was just one bad weekend," because it hasn't been just one. it's been several.
ANYWHO. i took today off from work, so i might as well get a move on things. i need to workout (duh), clean house, do laundry, run a couple of errands and then get ready to see a friend visiting from out of town tonight. i need to work myself out of this shit mood. not sure how i'm going to do it, but i've got to try.