...when you're dreaming with a broken heart
You know what? I seriously hate my life right now.
I know that I'm a lucky girl, ok? I do. I get it. I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in and food to eat and money for important things like college and people who love me and I'm not exactly dying, so life, really, is pretty goddamned good for me, right?
Then why doesn't it feel that way?
Am I just ungrateful? I mean, am I seriously so unbelievably screwed up that I'm missing the bigger picture? What's wrong with me?
I hate getting like this. Whenever I get migraines--which, right now, is way too fucking often--I get these bouts of depression. When the migraines are gone, I can usually manage fine. When I have them, I suddenly feel like I'm drowning. The world hates me, I hate me, why the hell do I even try?
Usually, when I have a headache and miss school, I lie in bed all day. I either don't eat or I eat too much. I don't feel like moving. I don't feel like looking at my cell phone. I don't feel like talking to anybody. I just want to crawl into a hole and die and never be heard from again, because I feel so unbelievably guilty for letting everybody down again and again when I have all these responsibilities and things to do. I feel it all piling up around me and I can't breathe, and I can't even cry. It's like I'm exanimate, like I'm just fading away.
I'm not suicidal or anything, don't get that impression. I'm not going to kill myself or try to cut myself or something completely stupid like that--I don't have the motivation for either of those things, and besides, it's not like I DON'T want to live. I DO. It just feels like I get stuck in these ruts and I physically can't.
Everytime I go back to school after being sick, it's literally like I'm forcing myself, torturing myself. By that point, I'm so deep in the rut I don't want to even get out of bed, much less slog through an entire freaking day of school and deal with my annoyed teachers and all the work and everything I missed when I was gone.
And the worst part of it is, it feels like no one understands. Not even my own family. I feel so....alone in all of this. My mom will take me to the doctor, force pills on me, try every freaking thing in the book--and yet I know she's resigned herself to not being able to do anything, because she gets migraines like me (not as severe these days) and it's the exact same way. Noting works for her. Basically, the only thing that will stop one of my intractible migraines (that means it lasts for more than a day), besides time, is an IV at the emergency room. That's my very last resort.
With Mom, life goes on as usual when I have a migraine. She'll check on me maybe once throughout the day, force me to eat something or at least make me drink a glass of water, and that's it. I don't blame her, she's busy. It just means I'm alone, in pain, for most of the day. Then, when my dad is here...well, let's say he's the one who really doesn't get it. I can remember when I was a freshman, I was throwing up and could barely stand--it was one of the worst migraines I'd ever had. My mom stayed up with me all night. At this point, I'd missed two days of school. I finally went to bed at about three in the morning. At six, my dad storms into my room and goes,
"Get up. You're going to be late for school."
When it became clear that I could barely move, much less go to school, he got angry at me. "Why are you doing this?" he demanded. "You're missing so much school, you'll never get into a good college now! Do you want to go to college? DO YOU?!" And of course, there's me, sick, still on the verge of throwing up, nearly blind with pain, in tears, and all I can do is say,
"Yes, yes, I want to go to college, Dad. I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"
My mom finally came in and told him to leave me alone. I remember trying to drag myself out of bed to go to school that morning and consequently getting sick again, then nearly passing out before Mom forced me to lie back down. That was a fun one.
Then, this morning, Dad tries to pull almost the exact same crap--except the migraine today wasn't nearly as bad as the one I just mentioned, thankfully. He came in and said,
"Are you going to school?"
I told him, quite clearly, NO, and took the medicine that occasionally will help me, if I'm lucky. He then got mad again.
"Why don't you try?" he asked. "You do realize you're shooting yourself in the foot; you've got accepted at two colleges, and now--"
"You want to know why I don't try, Dad?" I interrupted. "Because I know that if I force myself to go to school like I've done before for you, I'll be in pain, won't be able to concentrate in class, will literally be sent to the nurse's office, and will be home again, all before the end of first period. Why waste everybody's time?"
That, at least, made him back off.
None of my teachers get it, with the exception of Mrs. Thomas, who gets migraines herself, and barely any of them give me enough time to make up homework anymore. I just have to make do with grades that aren't nearly as good as what I could be getting and spend all my time after school trying to get caught up.
Part of me feels like I can't take this anymore, the stress and the exhaustion and trying to make people understand. I'm not making this up, I fucking hate feeling like this, if you would like to magically make my migarines go away, please, for the love of God, DO IT and we'll all be much happier. I hate missing school. I hate not being there with my friends. I hate having to lie in bed and grit my teeth and wait for it to stop and have nothing I do be good enough.
I can distract myself when I have a migraine with reading, sometimes watching TV/movies if I can handle the light, and if I'm very, very lucky, writing. What I can't do is make myself feel better, and it kills me.
I'm so tired, and I slept almost all day. My head is still pounding, I'm sick to my stomach, I'm on the verge of tears, and there's still so much more I want to say. I feel like I've dug myself into a hole and there's no way to get out., like I'm helpless, trapped. I don't even know why I'm bothering to LJ about this, because it's so incredibly embarrassing, and yet, who else am I going to tell? Nobody, that's who.
I don't know how a girl with so many friends can feel so alone all the time. It's probably my own fault, really. I'm usually the one to blame, anyway.
Sorry for that, I really am. I try to get angsty like this on my LJ as little as possible, but I know I don't always succeed. I don't want to depress you guys or annoy you, so I'm sorry if I did. I think I just needed to get that off my chest, to rant a little bit.
I was going to talk about some less oh-woe-is-me stuff, but I'm not really up for it anymore. I think I just want to take a hot bath and sleep, and try my best not to dread tomorrow.
I know that I'm a lucky girl, ok? I do. I get it. I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in and food to eat and money for important things like college and people who love me and I'm not exactly dying, so life, really, is pretty goddamned good for me, right?
Then why doesn't it feel that way?
Am I just ungrateful? I mean, am I seriously so unbelievably screwed up that I'm missing the bigger picture? What's wrong with me?
I hate getting like this. Whenever I get migraines--which, right now, is way too fucking often--I get these bouts of depression. When the migraines are gone, I can usually manage fine. When I have them, I suddenly feel like I'm drowning. The world hates me, I hate me, why the hell do I even try?
Usually, when I have a headache and miss school, I lie in bed all day. I either don't eat or I eat too much. I don't feel like moving. I don't feel like looking at my cell phone. I don't feel like talking to anybody. I just want to crawl into a hole and die and never be heard from again, because I feel so unbelievably guilty for letting everybody down again and again when I have all these responsibilities and things to do. I feel it all piling up around me and I can't breathe, and I can't even cry. It's like I'm exanimate, like I'm just fading away.
I'm not suicidal or anything, don't get that impression. I'm not going to kill myself or try to cut myself or something completely stupid like that--I don't have the motivation for either of those things, and besides, it's not like I DON'T want to live. I DO. It just feels like I get stuck in these ruts and I physically can't.
Everytime I go back to school after being sick, it's literally like I'm forcing myself, torturing myself. By that point, I'm so deep in the rut I don't want to even get out of bed, much less slog through an entire freaking day of school and deal with my annoyed teachers and all the work and everything I missed when I was gone.
And the worst part of it is, it feels like no one understands. Not even my own family. I feel so....alone in all of this. My mom will take me to the doctor, force pills on me, try every freaking thing in the book--and yet I know she's resigned herself to not being able to do anything, because she gets migraines like me (not as severe these days) and it's the exact same way. Noting works for her. Basically, the only thing that will stop one of my intractible migraines (that means it lasts for more than a day), besides time, is an IV at the emergency room. That's my very last resort.
With Mom, life goes on as usual when I have a migraine. She'll check on me maybe once throughout the day, force me to eat something or at least make me drink a glass of water, and that's it. I don't blame her, she's busy. It just means I'm alone, in pain, for most of the day. Then, when my dad is here...well, let's say he's the one who really doesn't get it. I can remember when I was a freshman, I was throwing up and could barely stand--it was one of the worst migraines I'd ever had. My mom stayed up with me all night. At this point, I'd missed two days of school. I finally went to bed at about three in the morning. At six, my dad storms into my room and goes,
"Get up. You're going to be late for school."
When it became clear that I could barely move, much less go to school, he got angry at me. "Why are you doing this?" he demanded. "You're missing so much school, you'll never get into a good college now! Do you want to go to college? DO YOU?!" And of course, there's me, sick, still on the verge of throwing up, nearly blind with pain, in tears, and all I can do is say,
"Yes, yes, I want to go to college, Dad. I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"
My mom finally came in and told him to leave me alone. I remember trying to drag myself out of bed to go to school that morning and consequently getting sick again, then nearly passing out before Mom forced me to lie back down. That was a fun one.
Then, this morning, Dad tries to pull almost the exact same crap--except the migraine today wasn't nearly as bad as the one I just mentioned, thankfully. He came in and said,
"Are you going to school?"
I told him, quite clearly, NO, and took the medicine that occasionally will help me, if I'm lucky. He then got mad again.
"Why don't you try?" he asked. "You do realize you're shooting yourself in the foot; you've got accepted at two colleges, and now--"
"You want to know why I don't try, Dad?" I interrupted. "Because I know that if I force myself to go to school like I've done before for you, I'll be in pain, won't be able to concentrate in class, will literally be sent to the nurse's office, and will be home again, all before the end of first period. Why waste everybody's time?"
That, at least, made him back off.
None of my teachers get it, with the exception of Mrs. Thomas, who gets migraines herself, and barely any of them give me enough time to make up homework anymore. I just have to make do with grades that aren't nearly as good as what I could be getting and spend all my time after school trying to get caught up.
Part of me feels like I can't take this anymore, the stress and the exhaustion and trying to make people understand. I'm not making this up, I fucking hate feeling like this, if you would like to magically make my migarines go away, please, for the love of God, DO IT and we'll all be much happier. I hate missing school. I hate not being there with my friends. I hate having to lie in bed and grit my teeth and wait for it to stop and have nothing I do be good enough.
I can distract myself when I have a migraine with reading, sometimes watching TV/movies if I can handle the light, and if I'm very, very lucky, writing. What I can't do is make myself feel better, and it kills me.
I'm so tired, and I slept almost all day. My head is still pounding, I'm sick to my stomach, I'm on the verge of tears, and there's still so much more I want to say. I feel like I've dug myself into a hole and there's no way to get out., like I'm helpless, trapped. I don't even know why I'm bothering to LJ about this, because it's so incredibly embarrassing, and yet, who else am I going to tell? Nobody, that's who.
I don't know how a girl with so many friends can feel so alone all the time. It's probably my own fault, really. I'm usually the one to blame, anyway.
Sorry for that, I really am. I try to get angsty like this on my LJ as little as possible, but I know I don't always succeed. I don't want to depress you guys or annoy you, so I'm sorry if I did. I think I just needed to get that off my chest, to rant a little bit.
I was going to talk about some less oh-woe-is-me stuff, but I'm not really up for it anymore. I think I just want to take a hot bath and sleep, and try my best not to dread tomorrow.