Womp
I had a long thing planned to answer the writer's block question "Is lying by omission really lying?" but then the internet failed on me and it got lost. So instead, prepare for some cryptic angst.
I feel like I'm overflowing with emotions, but I don't know a way to express any of them. Also I've lost the formatting bar on this so there is no LJ-cut for now. Sorry to your friends pages.
OJCL convention was this weekend. It was honest-to-God magical. And it seems like I say that about so many things, but it's different. I sat on stage for two assemblies. At the first, my alma mater delegation won spirit. Mi care asked me later whether they really deserved it, or whether the spirit judge being from there too helped. They did deserve it. And at the third, it was all I could do not to cry every time I looked at them. I'm barely holding it together now.
They're so talented and so smart. And they're caring, and they all ask me how I am, but that's like the least important part. I'm having this weird, proud-parent/proud-teacher feeling, and to be honest, it sort of scares me. I barely know most of these kids. Most of them aren't even enough younger than me that I can call them that. But you would be hard-pressed to find something I wouldn't do for any one of them.
And God help me the day I have to say good-bye to Magistra. She has changed my life in ways I could never tell you, in ways I won't know until I'm her age, probably. And I know she's ready to retire, and she more than deserves some rest and relaxation. But the idea of the middle school without her in it, and the idea of returning to convention without her is heartbreaking and unreal to me.
*gets tissues*
Reading angsty fanfic/books doesn't really help my emotional stability either. But I do it nonetheless. There's a reason I will not watch Titanic, though.
And I have this weirdly proud feeling about two of my friends and how they interact. But I can't explain it. I tried, tonight, to tell one of them, but it made no sense. When I try to put words to it, it sounds like I didn't expect them to act nicely or maturely or whatever, but that's not it at all. My goodness, if I were in need of evidence for mentalese, I would have it here. I'm proud and happy, and yet my heart aches for them. (If you read this... well, I still don't have a way to explain it. Forgive me.)
And two others of my friends have had this semester blow up in their faces. And again, I'm proud of them. But one in a happy way and one in an way. Where are my words tonight? It's like... I've literally never seen you sad. Only slightly uncomfortable. And even then, barely; you're always so well put-together. And sometimes I envy that. But tonight I feel like I saw you as close to sad as I ever have, if not closer. And it just broke me a little, to see that it's there, and that you can't show it. And it makes me wonder if you're always like that on the inside, but able to keep it together. (And geez, if you read this... idk, do what you will. I haven't figured out how to say this to you yet. And if I've misjudged you... ionno. Again, do what you will.) At least we do ok sitting silently online together.
ninenewmuses drew a picture for me without even really knowing why,
because EZ and Virgil remembered my silly comment and told her to. Sharon was worried when I missed class last week, and we had a great time catching up tonight.
When I checked in with Christina who I haven't talked to in ages (a week) since I gave up tumblr for Lent, she's doing great, which makes me happy, and then I saw that Chuckles had been looking for me, and we talked for ten seconds, with promises for more later. I checked in with Bug, too, and she wasn't ok when I asked, but when she got back and had time to answer, then she was.
I guess it's just... it's another one of those times where I love so many people so much, and I can't figure out how to tell them. Seeing House and EZ and the Fantastic Four and the seniors this year (oh my gosh, the seniors this year!) at convention... I love you all so bad-word much, and there was just no way to say it. And the 8th graders. And everyone else, and the beautiful perfect SCL, and oh I just don't know.
I'm going to stop rambling here. Somehow I'm not crying right now. But I'm full to overflowing, and yet somehow sad. Why? I don't understand it.
-fin-
I feel like I'm overflowing with emotions, but I don't know a way to express any of them. Also I've lost the formatting bar on this so there is no LJ-cut for now. Sorry to your friends pages.
OJCL convention was this weekend. It was honest-to-God magical. And it seems like I say that about so many things, but it's different. I sat on stage for two assemblies. At the first, my alma mater delegation won spirit. Mi care asked me later whether they really deserved it, or whether the spirit judge being from there too helped. They did deserve it. And at the third, it was all I could do not to cry every time I looked at them. I'm barely holding it together now.
They're so talented and so smart. And they're caring, and they all ask me how I am, but that's like the least important part. I'm having this weird, proud-parent/proud-teacher feeling, and to be honest, it sort of scares me. I barely know most of these kids. Most of them aren't even enough younger than me that I can call them that. But you would be hard-pressed to find something I wouldn't do for any one of them.
And God help me the day I have to say good-bye to Magistra. She has changed my life in ways I could never tell you, in ways I won't know until I'm her age, probably. And I know she's ready to retire, and she more than deserves some rest and relaxation. But the idea of the middle school without her in it, and the idea of returning to convention without her is heartbreaking and unreal to me.
*gets tissues*
Reading angsty fanfic/books doesn't really help my emotional stability either. But I do it nonetheless. There's a reason I will not watch Titanic, though.
And I have this weirdly proud feeling about two of my friends and how they interact. But I can't explain it. I tried, tonight, to tell one of them, but it made no sense. When I try to put words to it, it sounds like I didn't expect them to act nicely or maturely or whatever, but that's not it at all. My goodness, if I were in need of evidence for mentalese, I would have it here. I'm proud and happy, and yet my heart aches for them. (If you read this... well, I still don't have a way to explain it. Forgive me.)
And two others of my friends have had this semester blow up in their faces. And again, I'm proud of them. But one in a happy way and one in an way. Where are my words tonight? It's like... I've literally never seen you sad. Only slightly uncomfortable. And even then, barely; you're always so well put-together. And sometimes I envy that. But tonight I feel like I saw you as close to sad as I ever have, if not closer. And it just broke me a little, to see that it's there, and that you can't show it. And it makes me wonder if you're always like that on the inside, but able to keep it together. (And geez, if you read this... idk, do what you will. I haven't figured out how to say this to you yet. And if I've misjudged you... ionno. Again, do what you will.) At least we do ok sitting silently online together.
ninenewmuses drew a picture for me without even really knowing why,
because EZ and Virgil remembered my silly comment and told her to. Sharon was worried when I missed class last week, and we had a great time catching up tonight.
When I checked in with Christina who I haven't talked to in ages (a week) since I gave up tumblr for Lent, she's doing great, which makes me happy, and then I saw that Chuckles had been looking for me, and we talked for ten seconds, with promises for more later. I checked in with Bug, too, and she wasn't ok when I asked, but when she got back and had time to answer, then she was.
I guess it's just... it's another one of those times where I love so many people so much, and I can't figure out how to tell them. Seeing House and EZ and the Fantastic Four and the seniors this year (oh my gosh, the seniors this year!) at convention... I love you all so bad-word much, and there was just no way to say it. And the 8th graders. And everyone else, and the beautiful perfect SCL, and oh I just don't know.
I'm going to stop rambling here. Somehow I'm not crying right now. But I'm full to overflowing, and yet somehow sad. Why? I don't understand it.
-fin-