Mithros, the way a year's gone by...
I went to feed my neighbor's cat tonight, and on the way back I started singing... like, talking to somebody who's not there (isn't there a theatric term for that?), just cuz I need to say it all, but I was singing while I did that. Anyway, I don't remember most of what I said, but I was kinda proud of this part. It rhymes:
It's amazing what has changed in a year
Why do I feel like I'm the only one making any effort here
I wish I could ask
But my beg for mercy
Would fall on deaf ears
It really is amazing, though. I mean, I remember eating together on the first day of high school. I remember the first football game last year... we talked so much...and you actually noticed when I was upset...and somewhere within that month/2 months, we kinda stopped. And we faked like it worked. Actually, no. We were still good til past homecoming, cuz there was that whole "who do you want to go with?"--oh-yeah-that'd-be-you drama. (In my head, of course. I wasn't brave (or stupid?) enough to say anything to you...)
And then there was Into the Woods. And we went, and by that time, I guess there was something going on, because I started to tell you the first half of it all, but then the intermission was over by the time I finally worked up my nerve.
So then it was YJ, and I was terrified we'd have to spend the weekend together, so I called you and told you. And you were great. And then it went back to awkward cuz I guess I avoided you. And then it was Valentine's Day, and ohhhhhhhh, wasn't that fun. By then I'd told you I liked you, and kudos to you for how well you handled it intially. But then it got awkward again. And then stuff calmed down. A little, I guess. And then I think I finally stopped liking you.
And then I read a story. You know...well, you wouldn't remember, but once I asked you who you'd match up if you were making our circle into the Marauders, and I kept thinking I'd be Remus and you'd be Sirius. You (used to) know how much I like(d) Wolfstar. And I read this story, and it all came flooding back. Ask my "sketchy friend". He knows.
And then I was over you again. And then I found other people, and now I've got one amazing person, who, it seems, has virtually replaced you. And maybe you should know, he's done a damn better job the past four months than you did all of freshman year. Well, not all of that year. Cuz for awhile you were fine. It's not like we were dating at all. We never were, and never will be anything like that. But there for awhile, you actually noticed when I was upset.
I remember that night at mini-golf for youth group, I was really really quiet on the way back home in Big Red, and you kept bothering me why. I wouldn't tell you, but for a week you kept asking. And then, suddenly, you stopped; you didn't ask about that or any other time I was upset. And slowly but surely I kinda fell off your radar. Or maybe I didn't. I don't know. But that's what it seemed like to me.
And then, when I'd finally gotten completely over you and found someone even more perfect for me (I didn't use to think that would happen, but then I lost you, so I guess it did.), *that's* when you decided I mattered. And you freakin' interrogated me about him and yelled at me for not telling you. Which scared me a little. But that was ok, cuz it made it seem like you cared again, and it was worth it for that. And then, after lunch that one day in front of the box office, I bleeped away again.
But I was ok. I admit, I was a little caught up in things like 9HD and, well, my boyfriend, so maybe that's why it didn't seem important. But then...during finals that one two times, during lunch? Everyone made fun of me and him. I know y'all were just teasing, but the way you mentioned it to me, just sorta in passing in the English final...that hit me hard.
Then I gave you a note, right before the math final. I said, call me this week; we NEED to get together. You said sure! ...you never called. Then there was SummerFest prep. We were carrying paint to the basement that one Saturday, and I said call me! And you said sure! ...you never called. I tried once or twice more. I gave up. I finally called and got you to see Harry Potter with me. I wanted to get a chance to talk after that, but somebody's parents said you couldn't come over afterward, and we ended up getting ice cream with the other people we ran into. So we didn't talk.
And then mission trip happened. I didn't understand. You hardly said two words to me. After all that happened on last year's mission trip? Now, I admit, I spent a lot of time w/ other people, and we didn't talk at night the way we could the year before. But it still made me sad.
And then, after that, you found somebody too! And that's great, and I'm really happy for you. I am. But it hurt that I only know about that through other people. Grace or Emily shouldn't be the one to inform me about your life. That's your job. Wasn't I the one you used to come to for advice on things like that? Didn't we use to spill our hearts to each other? I fully 'fess up that I didn't do a whole lot of that last year either. But...it was kinda hard when it was all about you. And then, you started not even to care, at least outwardly, about the little things in my life, so I wasn't about to whine to you/talk to you about the big things... I don't know.
And now, now I just don't know. I am so sad that we've lost each other. I know we talked at some point last year about how I was living in the past and you were kinda living in the future, and that discussion resolved stuff temporarily. But right now, I feel like if I don't walk up to you and scream in your face, you wouldn't know I exist.
But then you pull things like you did on the way to Chillicothe, telling me about how you saw the sequel to Chicks with Sticks, and how you thought of me. It makes me do a double-take and think, whoa! since when did you ever pay that much attention to me? So then I get confused. And when I get confused, I start doubting things even more. And then that gets me in places like this.
So I guess all I mean to say right now is, can we give friendship another shot? I miss you! And please, please, if I've done anything to offend you, let me know. I want to set this all right again. It won't be the same. It'll never be the same. I accept that. But can we be friends again? Can it be ok for me to just call you for fun, and we'll actually have things to talk about and I won't feel awkward? We used to talk all the time! ...I haven't phoned you since OotP.
Ok, I'm gonna wrap this up now. I don't know if I'll ever actually ask you to read this. But if you do read it, and you do care, talk to me, ok? Can we clean things up? I love you and miss you, and I've never stopped worrying about you.
-fin-
P.S. Yes, Mithros in the title is a sign I've been reading too much Tamora Pierce lately. So sue me.
P.P.S. I'm glad you've found your George. Do you remember that?