Wow, major depression tonight. I almost don't want to post, because nothing I'm thinking is rational, true or pleasant to read, but I suppose I should have a record of how I'm feeling.

( Cut so as not to expose the unwary to the morass of rubbish that is my brain tonight )

So, I did my first injection of testosterone last night.

( Cut for length )

So I talked to the NP who was teaching me to inject about the agreement I came to last night with mfrazercani, to wait a month before starting actual transition, and she said that if that was the case she really recommended I NOT get this first shot - that the hormonal ups and downs of being on high dose testosterone (comparative to what my body naturally ( Read more... )

So, after talking to mfrazercani tonight about starting T, he asked for a compromise. I will go in tomorrow, get my first shot, and find out how to do it. That gets me set up to start and also lets us know what kind of immediate mental and emotional effects it has without (most likely) any permanent physical effects starting. After that, though, I will ( Read more... )

I wasn't very happy with this session, and it took me until today to even begin untangling why.

( Cut for length (as usual) )

I had a breakdown last night. The post I made kind of broke my husband. He was hoping so intensely that I wouldn't need transition to be happy and I guess last night he realised that that wasn't likely to be true. But seeing him so torn up was excruciating for me and everything hit me at once. I've been trying so hard to stay strong, to keep a ( Read more... )

I guess I was wrong - I am ready to put these thoughts down on paper.

( Some discoveries )

It's been a roller coaster ride the last few days. I gave my husband the link to this journal on Thursday and left him alone to read it, and then we talked. What it really comes down to is that we both want impossible things. I want him to love me for who I am inside, whatever my body, and to find my body attractive because it's mine. He wants ( Read more... )

I've been too worried about my husband and about our marriage the last few days to really have a chance to think about me and how I'm feeling. I feel like I'm stuck - how do I figure out what I need when it seems like he's saying, "find a way to cope with this without changing anything"?

( My thoughts just keep covering the same ground... )

We talked again tonight. I think things are a little better. Basically what he's come to is that 1) I will talk to him about this stuff, and I will be honest with him, 2)I will do everything in my power to explore all options other than transitioning that will still allow me to be happy, and 3) If I do find I have to transition he will help me ( Read more... )