The Truth
I guess I was wrong - I am ready to put these thoughts down on paper.
I've spent the last several weeks, as I think about this whole situation and try to figure out my options, working hard to keep an open mind. But in many ways I think that's running away from how I really feel, and only by acknowledging what's actually going on in my head will I be able to make clear-headed, correct decisions.
If it weren't for my husband, I would start transition tomorrow.
The more time I spend as Tad, uncomfortable binder aside, the more I'm certain that this is what I need to have the best chance at happiness. Imagining being stuck in this body for years more or forever gives me a sick, despairing clench in my gut. I want to be myself, and I'm a man. I've been denying it for most of my life and it's only come to the surface now because I've reached the boiling point.
So what do I want out of a therapist?
I want someone who's experienced in working with other transgendered individuals to give me a second opinion, to make sure that I've not convinced myself of something that isn't true. To make sure I'm not covering up other issues or unhappinesses with this all-in-one solution - though I'm pretty much certain that I've been covering up this issue with other excuses for my unhappiness. I don't have a textbook experience with transsexualism, though my type of experience is much more common than I thought it was before I started becoming part of the trans community and hearing other trans guys' stories.
Someone to make sure I'm a good candidate for transition. I'm 33, not 20, and I have a relatively clear understanding of the consequences of major, life-changing decisions. I don't want to rush into something that I will regret terribly five years from now. I know that inside my head this looks like the best - perhaps the only - choice I can make, but just like I didn't choose to have my hysterectomy without talking my options over with expert professionals, I'm not willing to change my life and my body so dramatically without making sure I understand the ramifications and the odds for a successful outcome.
Someone who can help me navigate my transition, both in the context of my intimate personal relationships and in the wider context of society. To find a way to deal with transition within my marriage, keeping it intact and healthy. To help me figure out how and when to come out to the people I love, how to deal with the physical and emotional stresses of the transitional period and the abuse and discrimination I'll likely have to deal with. Also, to help me figure out how to handle the logistical aspects, like moving to a full-time male presentation at work and getting my name changed.
Lastly, someone who can help my husband come to terms with the situation. Someone impartial and knowledgable who can let him know that this really is what's going on, and that transition is the best option. I know he knows this, but I think that he needs to hear it from a source other than me or the internet for it to really be something he can accept all the way. This makes perfect sense to me; I'm the same way. But for him to come to terms with the situation, he needs to know that the other possibilities have been eliminated - so that means a hormone test and a discussion about the possibility of the anti-depressant I'm on contributing to my dysphoria. I'm fine with that. It never hurts to be thorough.
I have faith in my husband, and I have faith in our relationship. He's an amazing person, one of the strongest, most generous, most understanding people I've ever known. He can handle this. He can work through this with me and come out the other side not only whole but stronger than before. Our marriage can come out of this stronger than before. I'm not sure he believes this, but I do. And I think that he was almost right in his post where he said that he needed to shut up and let me do what I needed to be happy. Not right that he is a burden on me and that by ignoring his needs and wants he would make it better for me - that part was wrong - but that by mentally trying to twist the situation into something it's not, that by hoping (even subconsciously) that if we can only find the right binding method, the right packer, the right new sexual techniques to make me feel less female then I can be Tad out in public or in certain situations but at home I'll still be the woman he wants, he's doing both of us a disservice. He's not giving himself the chance to deal with the situation as it is, the chance to be as strong and capable as I know he can be. And by doing that, by hiding from something he knows he has to face and knows he can actually handle, he's undermining his own trust in himself and that can poison our relationship.
He wants to put this decision off as long as possible. He'd prefer it take years to come to the point of starting transition, if it had to at all. But I don't think that will work. One, I don't think I can wait that long. The dysphoria has already come to a breaking point for me - I've been pretty much nonfunctional for several years, dealing with crippling depression and anxiety and unwilling to face the cause of it. I'm doing a lot better now, but that's because I'm making forward progress on addressing the root of the problem. The thought of that progress stalling into inactivity is terrifying. Not to mention that I can't maintain this secret identity for much longer - it's already becoming painful to have to hide it from my parents, my religious family, many of my best friends. But while the situation is unresolved, I don't feel like I can come out to them. What would I even tell them?
Even more importantly, though, if we delay too long this issue will be hanging over our heads the whole time. We won't be able to continue the relationship we had before, since we both know this is going on and that it will have to be dealt with (and the relationship hasn't been going well for a long time, anyway - see non-functional due to depression, above) but we won't be able to move on to what our relationship is becoming, either. We won't be able to figure out our new roles or the new ways we need to relate to each other, and our relationship will stagnate. He'll resent me for making the marriage something he can't trust, for changing everything and leaving nothing solid to stand on, and I'll resent him for keeping me trapped in a situation I can't stand. And the longer we avoid dealing with it, the easier it will be to keep avoiding it. Until, one day, one of us snaps. Maybe if I had been able to be fully honest with myself a few years ago when this really began to become an obvious issue, and if he had realised how serious I was when I said I thought I wasn't really a woman, we would have the time to wait and see. But I'm not sure we do anymore. reccas_place suggested setting a reasonable deadline - six months maybe, no more than a year at most - to explore other options, talk things out with a therapist, etc., before making a decision and acting on it.
He also says he's hoping for a compromise, but I think he's really hoping for a way to get things to go completely his own way. I want to be triple clear when I say this: I do NOT blame him for this. He's in an impossible situation. He's made huge strides already in coping with this. He's been more loving, more understanding, more supportive than I could have hoped for in my wildest dreams. Anyone would want to find a way out of this, to make it not be happening. But I do feel like I'm compromising already. I've agreed that I don't want bottom surgery, except perhaps for a clitoral release. I've agreed that as long as we can find a workable binder, top surgery isn't something I feel like I need (though I can't make promises that it will never be). I've agreed to seriously consider other causes and other solutions before committing to transition. I've agreed to wait, to give him time to adjust before deciding for certain on or moving forward with transition. And I don't resent these compromises, I don't feel that they're unreasonable or that I'm just humouring him or anything like that. But the fact remains that they are compromises. And I'm not sure how much further I can compromise without risking my own well-being. I can't wait forever, I can't just play dress-up occassionally, I can't be male in my own head and never be perceived that way, I can't be a girl with a bit of a kink for genderfuckery, I can't pretend that everything's okay to all the other people in my life and keep this as a dirty little secret, I can't try to live as a man when my voice, my hair, my build, my face all scream girl. That's exhausting, I can tell already, and it's fake. I just want to be me, a queer, expressive, sometimes-macho-sometimes-feminine guy, not to put on a constant act in order to be masculine enough to pass.
Which is to say, I guess, that this is real. This is happening. And we need to come to grips with it by admitting that and figuring out what we're going to do about it rather than by hoping it's something else.
I've spent the last several weeks, as I think about this whole situation and try to figure out my options, working hard to keep an open mind. But in many ways I think that's running away from how I really feel, and only by acknowledging what's actually going on in my head will I be able to make clear-headed, correct decisions.
If it weren't for my husband, I would start transition tomorrow.
The more time I spend as Tad, uncomfortable binder aside, the more I'm certain that this is what I need to have the best chance at happiness. Imagining being stuck in this body for years more or forever gives me a sick, despairing clench in my gut. I want to be myself, and I'm a man. I've been denying it for most of my life and it's only come to the surface now because I've reached the boiling point.
So what do I want out of a therapist?
I want someone who's experienced in working with other transgendered individuals to give me a second opinion, to make sure that I've not convinced myself of something that isn't true. To make sure I'm not covering up other issues or unhappinesses with this all-in-one solution - though I'm pretty much certain that I've been covering up this issue with other excuses for my unhappiness. I don't have a textbook experience with transsexualism, though my type of experience is much more common than I thought it was before I started becoming part of the trans community and hearing other trans guys' stories.
Someone to make sure I'm a good candidate for transition. I'm 33, not 20, and I have a relatively clear understanding of the consequences of major, life-changing decisions. I don't want to rush into something that I will regret terribly five years from now. I know that inside my head this looks like the best - perhaps the only - choice I can make, but just like I didn't choose to have my hysterectomy without talking my options over with expert professionals, I'm not willing to change my life and my body so dramatically without making sure I understand the ramifications and the odds for a successful outcome.
Someone who can help me navigate my transition, both in the context of my intimate personal relationships and in the wider context of society. To find a way to deal with transition within my marriage, keeping it intact and healthy. To help me figure out how and when to come out to the people I love, how to deal with the physical and emotional stresses of the transitional period and the abuse and discrimination I'll likely have to deal with. Also, to help me figure out how to handle the logistical aspects, like moving to a full-time male presentation at work and getting my name changed.
Lastly, someone who can help my husband come to terms with the situation. Someone impartial and knowledgable who can let him know that this really is what's going on, and that transition is the best option. I know he knows this, but I think that he needs to hear it from a source other than me or the internet for it to really be something he can accept all the way. This makes perfect sense to me; I'm the same way. But for him to come to terms with the situation, he needs to know that the other possibilities have been eliminated - so that means a hormone test and a discussion about the possibility of the anti-depressant I'm on contributing to my dysphoria. I'm fine with that. It never hurts to be thorough.
I have faith in my husband, and I have faith in our relationship. He's an amazing person, one of the strongest, most generous, most understanding people I've ever known. He can handle this. He can work through this with me and come out the other side not only whole but stronger than before. Our marriage can come out of this stronger than before. I'm not sure he believes this, but I do. And I think that he was almost right in his post where he said that he needed to shut up and let me do what I needed to be happy. Not right that he is a burden on me and that by ignoring his needs and wants he would make it better for me - that part was wrong - but that by mentally trying to twist the situation into something it's not, that by hoping (even subconsciously) that if we can only find the right binding method, the right packer, the right new sexual techniques to make me feel less female then I can be Tad out in public or in certain situations but at home I'll still be the woman he wants, he's doing both of us a disservice. He's not giving himself the chance to deal with the situation as it is, the chance to be as strong and capable as I know he can be. And by doing that, by hiding from something he knows he has to face and knows he can actually handle, he's undermining his own trust in himself and that can poison our relationship.
He wants to put this decision off as long as possible. He'd prefer it take years to come to the point of starting transition, if it had to at all. But I don't think that will work. One, I don't think I can wait that long. The dysphoria has already come to a breaking point for me - I've been pretty much nonfunctional for several years, dealing with crippling depression and anxiety and unwilling to face the cause of it. I'm doing a lot better now, but that's because I'm making forward progress on addressing the root of the problem. The thought of that progress stalling into inactivity is terrifying. Not to mention that I can't maintain this secret identity for much longer - it's already becoming painful to have to hide it from my parents, my religious family, many of my best friends. But while the situation is unresolved, I don't feel like I can come out to them. What would I even tell them?
Even more importantly, though, if we delay too long this issue will be hanging over our heads the whole time. We won't be able to continue the relationship we had before, since we both know this is going on and that it will have to be dealt with (and the relationship hasn't been going well for a long time, anyway - see non-functional due to depression, above) but we won't be able to move on to what our relationship is becoming, either. We won't be able to figure out our new roles or the new ways we need to relate to each other, and our relationship will stagnate. He'll resent me for making the marriage something he can't trust, for changing everything and leaving nothing solid to stand on, and I'll resent him for keeping me trapped in a situation I can't stand. And the longer we avoid dealing with it, the easier it will be to keep avoiding it. Until, one day, one of us snaps. Maybe if I had been able to be fully honest with myself a few years ago when this really began to become an obvious issue, and if he had realised how serious I was when I said I thought I wasn't really a woman, we would have the time to wait and see. But I'm not sure we do anymore. reccas_place suggested setting a reasonable deadline - six months maybe, no more than a year at most - to explore other options, talk things out with a therapist, etc., before making a decision and acting on it.
He also says he's hoping for a compromise, but I think he's really hoping for a way to get things to go completely his own way. I want to be triple clear when I say this: I do NOT blame him for this. He's in an impossible situation. He's made huge strides already in coping with this. He's been more loving, more understanding, more supportive than I could have hoped for in my wildest dreams. Anyone would want to find a way out of this, to make it not be happening. But I do feel like I'm compromising already. I've agreed that I don't want bottom surgery, except perhaps for a clitoral release. I've agreed that as long as we can find a workable binder, top surgery isn't something I feel like I need (though I can't make promises that it will never be). I've agreed to seriously consider other causes and other solutions before committing to transition. I've agreed to wait, to give him time to adjust before deciding for certain on or moving forward with transition. And I don't resent these compromises, I don't feel that they're unreasonable or that I'm just humouring him or anything like that. But the fact remains that they are compromises. And I'm not sure how much further I can compromise without risking my own well-being. I can't wait forever, I can't just play dress-up occassionally, I can't be male in my own head and never be perceived that way, I can't be a girl with a bit of a kink for genderfuckery, I can't pretend that everything's okay to all the other people in my life and keep this as a dirty little secret, I can't try to live as a man when my voice, my hair, my build, my face all scream girl. That's exhausting, I can tell already, and it's fake. I just want to be me, a queer, expressive, sometimes-macho-sometimes-feminine guy, not to put on a constant act in order to be masculine enough to pass.
Which is to say, I guess, that this is real. This is happening. And we need to come to grips with it by admitting that and figuring out what we're going to do about it rather than by hoping it's something else.