My True Self
I have come across one of my old journals from 10 years back. One would hope to come a long way in one's internal development in 10 years. I must warn you that what is behind the cut is my true self. . . well my true self 10 years ago anyway. Don't judge me.
2-27-98:
I felt compelled to buy this notebook today and I really don't have a reason for its purchase. Maybe I just needed to spend some money, I don't know. Or maybe my mind is telling me something. Things are really beginning to pile up on me now. Between school and work and my ever expanding relationship with J, I find myself becoming a wee bit stressed. Sadly I find that I really love this feeling and as I sit here in the hall waiting for Spanish class to begin, I realize that I am quite happy with my life right now. I am not saying that I am satisfied with it---I don't think that I will ever be satisfied fully. I don't want to be. I like being uncertain about the future. It allows me to live in the present and to realize that the past is gone. Yesterday can never be repeated because if you realize that tomorrow is on the way, you shouldn't want to relive yesterday. I have to admit this now, because I really want to forget that I ever, ever, ever thought this way. I no longer want to kill myself. In the past year I have really begun to learn how to control y depression. I am not saying That I am cured because I don't think that one can ever be free from depression. It is like alcoholism. Depression will always be apart of my life but that doesn't mean that I will let it control me. I will and am controlling it. . .
2-27-98:
I felt compelled to buy this notebook today and I really don't have a reason for its purchase. Maybe I just needed to spend some money, I don't know. Or maybe my mind is telling me something. Things are really beginning to pile up on me now. Between school and work and my ever expanding relationship with J, I find myself becoming a wee bit stressed. Sadly I find that I really love this feeling and as I sit here in the hall waiting for Spanish class to begin, I realize that I am quite happy with my life right now. I am not saying that I am satisfied with it---I don't think that I will ever be satisfied fully. I don't want to be. I like being uncertain about the future. It allows me to live in the present and to realize that the past is gone. Yesterday can never be repeated because if you realize that tomorrow is on the way, you shouldn't want to relive yesterday. I have to admit this now, because I really want to forget that I ever, ever, ever thought this way. I no longer want to kill myself. In the past year I have really begun to learn how to control y depression. I am not saying That I am cured because I don't think that one can ever be free from depression. It is like alcoholism. Depression will always be apart of my life but that doesn't mean that I will let it control me. I will and am controlling it. . .