BEAUTY OF THE FORBIDDEN - 14 (1/2)/17 - JONGHYUN X KIBUM
Title: Beauty of the Forbidden
Paring: Jonghyun/Kibum, Jonghyun/Jessica
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17 (PG-13)
Genre: AU, romance, angst, smut
Chapter: Chapter 14, part one: Follow your heart
Beta: bonbonyuri
Warnings: Pervy stuff?
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine except from the plot.
Summary: Jonghyun is bored, Kibum is curious and lust is sinful
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Beauty of the Forbidden
Chapter 14, part one: Follow your heart
A million different outcomes had played out in Jessica's mind. It had been a way to prepare herself for this moment. Though, now that it was actually happening, she felt so unprepared it was ironic. As if she hadn't spent months thinking over how and when she would tell Jonghyun, but instead she just impulsively said it out of the blue. In her mind, Jessica had predicted that Jonghyun would feel resentment. Or maybe hurt or anger, or that he might possibly yell an insult or two +but on the other hand She was also expecting relief on Jonghyun's part and maybe even a tiny bit of happiness buried beneath it all.
What she hadn't expected though, was no reaction at all.
Jonghyun leaned forward and rested his elbows on either knee; running both his hands over his face and hair.
“Jonghyun, did you hear me?” Jessica asked, wiping her tears with her hands.
A nod.
Of course he had heard her. They both knew he had. It took a lot of energy Jonghyun wasn't sure he had to raise his head and look his girlfriend in the eyes. Each day Jonghyun woke up more exhausted than the day before. Talking to Jessica, thinking about Jessica, even looking at Jessica took so much effort. At this point Jonghyun didn't ask for anything other than a break. Just a break, so he could get some much needed mental and physical rest.
“Alright,” he finally said.
When would this end? When would one disaster after another stop showing up and keep turning his already messed up life upside down? Jonghyun couldn't keep up with the pace his life had taken.
“I'm so sorry, I should have-”
Jonghyun raised his hand as a gesture to silence her and Jessica immediately stopped talking. He shook his head slightly and let out a tired chuckle.
“Are you in love with this guy?”
Indeed, Jessica had tried to prepare herself for this moment in every possible way. Repeating and rehearsing in her mind what she would say, even what Jonghyun would say. He would ask why she had lied to him and how she could do something like that to him. She would try to explain how scared, immature and incredibly selfish she was. However, this one question was not something that she had put in her much rehearsed manuscript and it left her unsure of what to say.
“I'm really sorry, Jonghyun. I-“ she tried once again, because it was the only thing she could think of saying. But Jonghyun interrupted her once again before she could finish.
“It's alright, you don't have to explain anything. Just answer my question.”
When Jessica nodded Jonghyun closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath.
“That's good. I'm happy for you,” he said and Jessica thought she could hear a hint of honesty behind that indifferent voice. “I know you'll be a great mother.”
“Jonghyun-“
“You can have the house,” Jonghyun continued. He got up from the bed and made his way out of the bedroom, though he didn't get far before Jessica grabbed his wrist.
“Please say something,” she pleaded. In her own ears she sounded so stupid.
Jonghyun cleared his throat. “The house is too big for me. You'll need a lot more space.” He wasn't looking at Jessica when he spoke but he didn't have to in order to know that she still wanted to talk. She probably wanted to apologize and maybe cry some more but Jonghyun spoke up again before she had the chance to do so.
“Listen,” he said and Jessica immediately let go of him, “I'm going to go to Minho's place. We can talk more later if you want, but right now I kind of just need some fresh air, yeah?”
Jessica nodded but Jonghyun hadn't seen it as he was already making his way out of that forsaken house.
* * *
Jonghyun knew he should concentrate on the road, especially since he was driving so fast. But no matter how hard he tried, his mind was unable to stay focused. His body had started to itch and drops of sweat were visible on his forehead and upper lip. His clothes felt so uncomfortable, irritating his skin beneath it and making it uncomfortably warm. It was all too distracting. His legs wouldn't stop shaking, as if millions of little ants were trapped beneath his skin, tickling him from the inside. He suddenly felt so unusually restless.
After a while it had started to become difficult to breathe. He was sitting inside his little car so it was understandable he would feel a little claustrophobic. He rolled down the window next to him to let the wind cool his face and neck. When that didn't help he rolled down the remaining three windows.
“Can I stay here for a few days?” Jonghyun asked the minute Minho opened the door. He didn't realize he had completely skipped greeting his friend. “Jessica and I broke up.”
Whatever thought Minho had about his hyung randomly showing up outside his apartment without notice went straight out the window when Jonghyun had said that last part.
“What?!”
Jonghyun didn't wait for Minho to invite him inside, but instead just walked past him, entering the apartment. He took his jacket off and left it on the cream coloured couch, thinking it would let his sweaty body breathe. Minho closed the door behind him and called for Taemin.
“What happened, hyung?”
Jonghyun was pacing rapidly back and forth in his friend's living room. He was scratching his neck, shoulders, arms and hands but it didn't seem to make a difference. His nails were leaving angry red marks all over his body but that fucking itch wouldn't go away and that disgusting sweat was still soaking him.
“Well, she had more balls than me,” he said and tried to chuckle when he realized speaking was like forcing his voice out of a throat that had a deathly grip around it. He started taking short, quick breaths and suddenly Minho's living room felt much more constricting than his own car.
“What do you mean? Did you have a fight?”
Jonghyun shook his head as he sat down on the couch where he had priorly left his jacket. He leaned back and closed his eyes, trying to relax and inhale slowly. It lasted only a couple of seconds before the weight on his chest forced him up from where he was sitting. He found himself walking restlessly around the room once again.
“No, we didn't fight.”
He had no idea what was even happening. His hands were red, shaking violently and his head started to spin.
“But you're having a child,” Taemin said. Jonghyun hadn't even noticed he was in the room, too.
“It's not my kid.”
Minho's eyes grew double their original size and Taemin let out an audible gasp.
“What?” the two boys asked in unison.
“Turns out Jessica and I are a lot more alike than we thought”.
Minho was left speechless. Taemin opened his mouth as if he were about to say something, but he too remained quiet.
“Can I use your balcony?” Jonghyun asked. His chest felt like it was shrinking and it became more difficult to speak by each passing second, like an invisible monster was sitting on top of his chest, pushing and pressing. He was getting more and more dizzy. “I need some fresh air, I can't breathe.”
Taemin immediately ran to open the door and Jonghyun didn't waste a second to get out. The youngest of the boys looked at Minho with worried eyes, as if he were hoping Minho would say something appropriate or at least explain what was going on but Minho was just as confused as Taemin.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Minho asked.
“It's not helping,” Jonghyun gasped. The itch was now unbearable. His lungs refused to let any air enter. He was drowning. It's as if someone were keeping his throat in a tight grip. Every single breath he tried to take hurt and when he realized he wasn't breathing at all anymore he panicked. He supported one hand against the cold stone wall next to him and grabbed a fist full of his shirt with the other one yet nothing helped. He couldn't breathe.
“Jonghyun hyung, are you alright?” Minho asked again, “Taemin, get him a glass of water.”
When Taemin ran to the kitchen at the speed of light Minho turned his attention back to Jonghyun.
“Hyung, you need to sit down.”
Jonghyun didn't hear him, so instead of following Minho's advice he ran to the bathroom with the little strength he had left. The second he locked the door behind him the pain in his chest forced him to bend over and he fell to the floor.
It hurt so, so much, it felt like he was breathing through a drinking straw so not even the smallest yelp escaped his lips. His own pulse was echoing loudly in his ears, ticking away like a time bomb and it was going faster and faster. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, that's what it sounded like.
It's a heart attack, was all Jonghyun could think. I'm dying... I'm having a heart attack!
“Jonghyun hyung, open the door!” he heard Minho shout, followed by loud knocks. “Are you okay? Open the door!”
Why was this happening to him? Because of Jessica? When did he let it go this far? When had he become so pathetic that he wasn't even able to control his own body or mind anymore? At this point he was so weak and helpless, he was afraid that if he closed his eyes right now, he might not wake up again.
“Minho, do something!” he heard Taemin cry from the other side of the door.
“Jonghyun hyung, you're having a panic attack,” Minho said. His voice was calm and low now, unlike earlier. “Breathe slowly. Sit with your back straight. Raise your arms if you can.”
Minho's voice was like a dim light in a dark tunnel. It was far away and it was weak, but still it was there, waiting for him and guiding him.
“Are you listening, hyung?” Minho asked, resting his forehead against the wooden door. “Breathe in and out on my count, alright?”
And Minho started counting to ten over and over again, telling Jonghyun when to exhale and when to inhale. Slowly, air started to find its way through Jonghyun's nose and month into his lungs. They were short and impatient breaths at first, but gradually they started to match Minho's counting. And then, finally, Jonghyun was able to let out a loud cry; that pathetic and humiliatingly helpless cry which had been growing inside him for so long. He cried and cried and cried, loudly and shamelessly, like a vulnerable newborn. Minho and Taemin couldn't do anything other than wait for him; wait till every bit of anxiety Jonghyun had in his body had brutally forced its way out.
* * *
“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to just barge in,” Jonghyun said. He took another sip of his water, “I didn't know where else to go.”
Taemin - sitting next to him - offered him a warm smile and gave his knee a supportive squeeze.
“Don't be silly, hyung. You know you're always welcome here,” Minho responded and Taemin nodded in agreement.
They sat in silence for a moment. Neither Minho nor Taemin had brought up what had happened in the bathroom minutes earlier and frankly Jonghyun really appreciated it. Him sitting there with his eyes red and puffy was already embarrassing enough. He let out a long and heavy sigh, as if releasing the last traces of misery lingering in his body. He knew Minho and Taemin had a lot of questions on their minds but thankfully they weren't pushing for answers.
“At least Jessica can be happy now.”
“You're not angry at Jessica noona?” Taemin asked.
“Because she lied?” Jonghyun let out a low chuckle. “I'm not that stupid. I don't have any right to be angry.”
“Yeah, maybe... It's a rather complicated situation,” Minho said.
“Tell me about it.”
Silence again. Neither of the two friends knew what they could say to give Jonghyun the comfort he needed. Maybe Jonghyun didn't even want to talk about it at all.
“How do you feel?” Minho finally asked.
“I don't know. Calm, I guess.”
“Calm?”
“I don't know, Minho,” Jonghyun groaned. He leaned back, letting his head rest against the back of the couch and looked up at the white ceiling. “I felt like crap for so long now. I don't feel like shit anymore but I don't feel good either. I don't feel anything.”
'Calm' wasn't the word Jonghyun was actually looking for. But what he said was true. His life couldn't possibly bring him any more unwanted surprises. He had been through it all already. Even way before Kibum, Jonghyun knew his controlled and scripted life had been bad. When he gave up Kibum his life became worse but it had already been bad right from the start. He had always known that. And now that his life had hopefully made its last 180-degree turn, Jonghyun had no idea what he was supposed to feel.
“I don't regret ever meeting Kibum, even though I should because he didn't deserve to come across an asshole like me. The only thing I really regret is not being able to grow a pair and stay with him when I had the chance to”, Jonghyun let out another sad chuckle. “In other words, I'm still as selfish as ever. Like I haven't even learned anything from this at all.”
“You love him.” The way Taemin said it made it sound so simple. As if everything that had happened had one easy solution and if Jonghyun could just do the right thing it would all be fine.
“I know. And it's scaring me shitless.”
“Then you know how Kibum felt,” Minho stated.
“I can't compare myself to Kibum like that. Kibum didn't lie to me and treat me like crap, like I did with him.”
“You didn't mean for that to happen, hyung.”
“What difference does it make?”
The harsh reality was that it absolutely didn't matter, the three of them knew that much. Jonghyun could insult and blame himself till the end of time, but it wouldn't change anything. What's done is done and the solution - if there even was one - wasn't as simple as 'you love him'.
“What are you going to do now?”
Of course Jonghyun was expected to do something. It was like a permanent curse that would follow him to the grave; he would always be expected to do something. Couldn't he just have a break? Sit down and do absolutely nothing, think absolutely nothing, be absolutely nothing? No, of course not, he couldn't because he had the responsibility to fix everything he had broken. He would never be able to escape the responsibilities that came along with being who he was and what he had done. One of the many pleasures of being Kim Jonghyun.
“I don't know,” he said honestly.
“You're not going to talk to-?”
Jonghyun didn't allow Minho to finish his sentence. “No, I'm not.”
“Why not?”
In Jonghyun's opinion that was a stupid question. It was a question that had a million answers - none of which Jonghyun wanted to think about, much less speak out loud.
“What am I supposed to say to him? 'Hey, I figured I'd check up on you now that Jessica left me'?”
“You won't be checking up on him because noona left you,” Taemin explained, “it's because she made you open your eyes. She knew you two had hit rock bottom and she was the first to pick herself up.”
“You could at least try to talk to him,” Minho added. “Maybe you'll even be doing him a favour by explaining what happened. I'm sure he has a lot of questions and finally getting answers might put him at ease as well.”
Why were they both insisting? Jonghyun knew they only meant well for him, but his two friends weren't helping him at all by reminding him of the whole situation with Kibum.
“I don't want to. Listen, I just can't deal with any more crap right now. Kibum telling me to my face what I already know; that I'm the most rotten piece of crap he has ever come across, I'm not ready to hear that right now. I have to think of a way to explain this to my parents, I have to find some place to live, I even have some shit at work that I need to sort out by next week.”
If Jonghyun had felt calm before it was all gone by now. Thinking about everything that lay ahead of him made him feel anything but calm. Now that he thought about it, Jessica leaving him didn't make it the slightest bit easier for him - if anything she had made things even more difficult because now Jonghyun needed to find a way to break the news to his parents that he wasn't going to have that much anticipated perfect family like he'd been supposed to. Everything he was supposed to do and everything he was supposed to be was gone now. The more he thought about it, the more he started to lose his nerves.
* * *
previous | part two
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A/N: Stupid LJ said the post was too big :C