BEAUTY OF THE FORBIDDEN - 13/? - JONGHYUN X KIBUM
Title: Beauty of the Forbidden
Paring: Jonghyun/Kibum, Jonghyun/Jessica
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17 (PG-13)
Genre: AU, romance, angst, smut
Chapter: Chapter 13: Lies
Beta: bonbonyuri
Warnings: Pervy stuff?
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine except from the plot.
Summary: Jonghyun is bored, Kibum is curious and lust is sinful
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Beauty of the Forbidden
Chapter 13: Lies
Jessica had never been this distant before. Today she had said she would spend the night at a friend's house. Jonghyun hadn't asked what friend or what the occasion was because lately Jessica had rarely been at home, she'd always been staying at friends' houses or at her parents'. Jonghyun hadn't bothered to question it even once. The times she would be at home they spoke very little to each other. It wasn't that she was mad at him, Jonghyun wasn't mad at her either. For some unspoken, but mutual reason they were avoiding each other. Neither of the two had brought up why or asked the other what was wrong. Jonghyun wasn't sure why Jessica didn't, he could only speak for himself; he didn't bring it up because he simply didn't have the energy to. He would even go as far as to say deep down he even enjoyed the unfamiliar distance between them.
In all honesty, the fact that they were drifting apart was understandable. So far their relationship had always been something fun and convenient, a “here and now”-kind of thing. They never spoke of marriage or settling down despite both their parents spending years nagging non-stop about a wedding and children.
Up until now, that is.
Maybe avoiding each other was their way to cope with the fact something neither of them wanted was lying ahead of them. The struggle that something permanent was on its way, and it would in one way or another change their life forever and maybe not for the good. Neither of them had wanted to build a life together, much less create one.
One of the things Jonghyun and Jessica found out they had in common when they first started dating four years ago was the fact none of them wanted children. Jessica wanted to be a mother some day, but she always said she wanted to wait at least another ten years. Jonghyun, on the other hand, didn't want any children at all. Not right now, not in ten years, not ever. It wasn't that he didn't like children, he simply wasn't born with a fatherly personality trait that you need to raise a child.
But now, wanting it or not, a child was on its way. During this time it had crossed Jonghyun's mind more than once - especially when trying to fall asleep - to suggest Jessica to get an abortion. Even now when it was already too late the thought still wouldn't leave his mind. He had never said it out loud though, because he knew if Jessica had wanted to do that she would have done it already. Just mentioning it would only make her more upset.
An abortion, huh? If it was possible, would that really solve his problems? He thought it might. Every single time he tried to imagine what it would be like to have a family with Jessica and what it would be like to raise a baby, his lungs would shrink, body start sweating and heart pounding violently in fear.
He didn't want it. The baby inside Jessica's womb - he didn't want it. He couldn't take care of a child, he could barely even take care of himself. Jonghyun wasn't a good person. He wasn't a good boyfriend nor a good friend or a good son... So how was he supposed to be a good father?
With despair strangling him, embracing him him like a dark blanket, Jonghyun couldn't do anything other than face the brutal fact that he was back where he started; balancing between a horrible reality and constant nightmares.
~ * ~ * ~
Meanwhile, Jonghyun and Jessica's parents didn't get tired of celebrating the good news. His father kept saying how his new family was going to be perfect and admirable, something Jonghyun could be proud of. Because Jonghyun's father sure was proud, at least according to himself. He was proud his son finally found his place in this world, but he needed to propose to Jessica soon.
With Jonghyun's father there was always a “but”. It was never 'I'm proud of you' or 'you did well'. It was always 'I'm proud of you and you did well, but...' Jonghyun knew that meant his father wasn't really proud of him. It just meant as long as Jonghyun kept playing by the rules he wouldn't have a lot of shit from his father's end to deal with.
Actually, there was nothing to be proud of. The fact that a child was being forced upon him was nothing to be proud of. The fact that he didn't love Jessica as a significant other was nothing to be proud of. Neither was the fact that every second alive Jonghyun regretted every decision he had made these past months anything to be proud of.
~ * ~ * ~
As ridiculous as it might sound, both Jonghyun and Jessica were surprised when Jonghyun actually did propose. It was expected and necessary, still neither of them were prepared for it. It was a weak propose, anyone witnessing it would say Jonghyun just wanted to get over and done with it. He had asked when they were both eating dinner alone in their silent house. “I haven't had the time to get a ring yet”, he had said, “but will you marry me?”. Jessica had choked on her water when the words had left his mouth. When catching her breath they had both been staring at each other in silence for what felt like forever. Jonghyun hadn't forced an answer, but patiently waited for her to speak up. He knew what she would say anyway. “Sure,” Jessica had said, one hand on her growing belly, when she finally had gotten a hold of her voice.
They both knew Jonghyun hadn't actually said “will you marry me?”. What he actually had said was “there's no way back now, you know it too” and Jessica had actually answered “I know. You're right”.
~ * ~ * ~
Today Jonghyun's daily routine had changed. It hadn't changed a lot or significantly, but it had change a little. His day hadn't consisted of breakfast, work, lunch, work, dinner and sleep like it had been lately. Today, Jonghyun had skipped work and had gone straight to a district in Seoul he was very familiar with despite not having been there for eight months.
The apartment, even the whole neighbourhood hadn't changed one bit. It looked so normal it was unsettling, as if nothing out of the ordinary had ever happened. From where he was sitting in his car he could see the window to the hall on the third floor, where he had been pinning a tipsy Kibum to the wall for the first time. He could also see the window where he had first made love to him.
You shouldn't be here, his mind said. Leave. Go before he sees you.
He deserves an apology, his heart said. Don't you want to see how he's doing? If he's okay?
Jonghyun was so deep down he didn't know what was right. Should he walk upstairs because he owes Kibum an explanation? Or should he leave and stay away because he owes him a peace of mind? He did owe Kibum something, he had to repay him in some way, but what was the right thing to do? There was no one he could ask or get advice from, Jonghyun had dug himself so deep in this hole there was no way to climb back up, not even if someone would offer him a helping hand.
Of course Jonghyun didn't enter the apartment building. He didn't even get out of his car. As he drove back home he tried to tell himself he was doing it for Kibum, because he really, truly didn't want to admit he drove away for his own sake.
~ * ~ * ~
Jonghyun had never lost a close family member. He had never even been to a funeral and therefore never had a reason to visit a cemetery. When he was a child his sister used to tell him ghost stories that always took place in graveyards. They were always dark and cold and surrounded by a threatening fence. In her stories a cemetery was a dangerous place filled with death and despair and little Jonghyun would think about the big gravestones and dead trees hiding in a thick fog.
Though in reality there was no fog or living-dead creatures hiding behind sharp bushes. Jonghyun was walking on green grass, past colourful trees and white tombstones. It was quiet despite all the visitors. So beautifully saddening, the way grief and love intertwined so gracefully. Families and friends were gathered, hugging each other, watering the flowers people had left on the graves, caressing the gravestones so tenderly as if they were made of porcelain. They were talking to the stone as if they understood every word they said. Remembering, telling stories, introducing their children, laughing and crying. It wasn't a place of death, it was a place of life.
Although it was his first time here he knew where he was supposed to go. With slow, heavy steps Jonghyun walked towards the familiar male who he had followed here. What he wanted to accomplish by following him was still a question he was pondering on. He had simply found himself getting of where the other had gotten off and stopping where the other had stopped
The young man was crouched, brushing off some dirt off the gravestone in front of him.
“Did you bring a lighter, Nicole?” he said without turning around, when he sensed Jonghyun's presence.
Jonghyun's hands were sweaty and shaking when he dug into his pocket and handed a red lighter to the man.
“Thanks,” he said between chuckles. “I promised Kibum I would-”
The boy never finished his sentence when he turned his head to look at the one standing behind him. His smile faded in a split second.
“What do you think you're doing here?” Jinki said and stood up. He gave the lighter back. “Kibum's not here. What do you want?”
Jonghyun took a deep, silent breath. He had a lot of answers to that question, but he wasn't sure he had the right one. So he did the only thing he could think of doing in that moment; he shrugged his shoulders.
“You don't know?” It was an accusation, not an actual question. “Well, I'll tell you what you want: You want Kibum back only because you can't have him anymore. In your spoiled and twisted little head, you want the challenge of getting him back.”
No, that's not it. You're wrong. You don't know what you're talking about. Jonghyun wanted to say that, but not even his breath seemed to leave his mouth. Jinki spoke with such disgust, looking at Jonghyun as if he was a filthy parasite poisoning the world.
“Because that's how it all started, right? Playing around with him only because you weren't allowed to in your perfect world?”
Was that what Kibum had told Jinki? Was that how Kibum thought of Jonghyun?
“I'm strictly against violence, but you're someone who deserves a good beating. If you ever try to get close to Kibum again I'll make sure you regret it more than you regret ever leaving him.”
With that Jinki left, not turning around even once to look back at Jonghyun. He walked till he was out of Jonghyun's sight, gone, not leaving a single trace behind as if he had never been there in the first place.
Jinki had left flowers on the grave of Kibum's grandmother as well as two unlit white candles. Jonghyun still remembered when Kibum had said that he never had the chance to meet her. Kibum's grandmother - the woman who had raised Kibum. The one who guided him from a playful little child to a cocky, stubborn, beautiful man. What kind of person had she been? Caring, like Kibum? Confident and hard-working, like Kibum?
And... had she known about Jonghyun or what he had done to her precious grandson? Did she hate him? If she did, Jonghyun would have understood. If she had told Kibum to stay away from such a selfish bastard because Kibum was too kind and naive to get involved with such scum, Jonghyun would have understood.
Looking down at the lighter in his hand - the one Jinki had refused to accept - Jonghyun knew there was nothing he could say or do at this point. He crouched down and lit the two candles Jinki had left there for his friend and his dear grandmother. He bowed his head and closed his eyes.
“I'm sorry,” Jonghyun heard himself say in a whisper, his voice so small and insignificant and so painfully meaningless.
~ * ~ * ~
Jessica had told Jonghyun she would spend the day at a girlfriend's house, but when Jonghyun got back from work Jessica was setting up the table in the dining room.
“I thought you'd be out”, Jonghyun called from the hallway and Jessica was so startled she almost dropped the two glasses in her hands.
“Yeah,” she said and cleared her throat, “I was just going to call you. I made dinner.”
He took his shoes off before joining Jessica in the kitchen. He opened one of the stew pans to have a look.
“Are you eating with me or are you-”
“Yes, uh, I'll stay a bit longer.”
Jonghyun didn't miss the way Jessica was biting her nails and switching between legs to lean on.
“What are you so nervous about?” he said jokingly and offered a weak smile. “You okay?”
“I'm fine, don't worry. Are you gonna get changed?”
Jonghyun closed the stew pan and nodded before making his way to the bedroom. Whenever he would be here, the house always seemed to give Jonghyun some extra weight to carry. He had to constantly remind himself to not tense his shoulders and stretch his neck every now and then. As he was sitting down on the edge of bed, he took a moment to close his eyes and exhale slowly. When he opened his eyes again Jessica was standing in the doorway.
There was a moment of silence, both of them just observing each other. Jessica was blinking more than necessary, her eyes going from Jonghyun to the ceiling, from the ceiling to the drawer, from the drawer to the floor. She was leaning against the door frame, still biting off what was left of the nails of her right hand. Jonghyun leaned back, supporting his weight on his arms.
“You gonna tell me what's wrong?”
Jessica said something inaudible and when she did her eyes started to water. She seemed to realize Jonghyun didn't hear her and made another attempt to speak up only to once again let out a weak whisper.
“What?” he asked.
“I can't do this,” she said again, voice still low but this time Jonghyun heard her.
Jonghyun groaned. They had been over and through this countless of times. Jonghyun's anxiety, Jessica's anxiety, regrets, argues, guilt. Their everyday life consisted of nothing but that and Jonghyun was in no mood or mental state to console her.
“We've been stupid, Jonghyun. So stupid... This is not what we want.”
“Well it is what we've got,” Jonghyun said in a plain voice. Maybe it was meant to sound comforting, maybe it was meant to sound threatening or maybe it was meant to sound indifferently. He wasn't sure anymore, he had already tried all of them and nothing had worked neither on Jessica, nor on himself. What he was sure of was that he had no energy left to deal with this. At least not today.
“Don't do this. You always do this. Don't look the other way this time,” Jessica said. She was already crying. “We're not doing anything for ourselves, we're living on our parents conditions. We're living their life.”
Jessica had already said this before. Jonghyun had, too. Jonghyun's whole life seemed to be nothing but a bad movie on repeat. He had already thrown away every meaning and joy in his miserable existence. He had absolutely nothing left. Jessica shouldn't have either so he didn't understand why she kept fighting against it. What difference would it make? It just didn't matter
“What do you want to do, Jessica?” Jonghyun asked.
Stop this. Run away. That's what they both wanted to do. Though neither of them ever said it out loud because saying it would be like stabbing themselves in the heart. There was no way to stop and there was nowhere to run for either of them.
“I want this child,” Jessica said and for the first time in what felt like forever she had Jonghyun's full attention. It was as if she had just slammed two cymbals together, right next to his ear. He was looking at her and he was listening to her.
Jessica had an unloved foetus growing inside of her. She was carrying the end of her career and her freedom, sharing this with a man she wasn't in love with. Why would she say she wanted it?
“What do you-” Jonghyun started but didn't get any further than that.
“I want to raise this child with its father,” Jessica said, crying silently. She let out heavy, shaky breath before parting her lips, “and that's not you.”
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A/N: I'M SO SORRY! I know I said I wanted to finish this story before new years, but finishing this chapter took way longer than I expected. On a side note, I'm a mommy now! Unlike Jessica though, mine doesn't cry as much and is rather hairy. Yep, I got myself a puppy~
Whoever is still reading this: I hope you enjoyed the chapter and look forward to the next! I also want to thank bonbonyuri for being a big help in this chapter!