why can't I be ever fucking pleased?
it's something of an old, old, problem.
I know I haven't written here at all for almost a year (or is it over a year?) which is good, and it's an achievement for me. because I need to calm myself, and I need to not depend on writing. I need to depend more on God. and lately I've drift away from God, I don't know why exactly. that's the problem I am facing. that's the start of every problems I am facing now.
from low self esteem (oh trust me I do have a very low self esteem I never have an idea of why because I am freaking confident with people and very sociable, sort of) and I feel like... people would abandon me if I ever done something wrong. no matter how small my mistake is. because I am that worthless. no one wants to look at me and my hard works, all of them are busy ignoring me, and even when they notice me, they'd only see my negatives. I hate that kind of feelings. I really hate them that everytime I feel them I just want to vomit. oh God how many times did I try to be an optimist? I'm just tired of that already. I want to pull my hair and slump in the corner of the room and cry my eyes out.
and to another problem that makes me want to run away from this house. it's my parents. that I just realize that they're not being arseholes. they are not being hard on me. they are good people, but they just understand almost nothing about me, yet they judge me like they know everything, like they're experts on parenting, in fact they aren't. they don't know me, and they're not trying to reach me. I know that someday when they find out all about me-- my love for gay porns, my former sexuality-- they will spit at me, expel me from the house and they won't want to see me again. because they aren't trying to reach me. because they don't want to reach me. I'm not mad at them-- well yea I am-- but I think that it's just a shame, you know? they are nice people and they could've been a great parents if they understand me. or at least willing to. this is an open, fresh wound because yesterday my mum just called me 'a girl with filthy heart' because I swallowed back my words when I was trying to argue with her. I did that because I don't want to hurt her! I did that because I'm tired and I don't want further confrontation. I really love her, I really do, and I'm trying my best to minimalize arguing back to her. and what made me upset was that she once told me I talked too much, that I argued too much, and when I don't say anything, she accused me that inside, I was cursing and hating her. it's true that I cursed inside my heart, but it was because I don't want to wound their parents pride.
if only my parents understand that this parents-daughter relationship is two sided relationship, not one sided.
now I'm crying again because that wound is that fresh.
I know I haven't written here at all for almost a year (or is it over a year?) which is good, and it's an achievement for me. because I need to calm myself, and I need to not depend on writing. I need to depend more on God. and lately I've drift away from God, I don't know why exactly. that's the problem I am facing. that's the start of every problems I am facing now.
from low self esteem (oh trust me I do have a very low self esteem I never have an idea of why because I am freaking confident with people and very sociable, sort of) and I feel like... people would abandon me if I ever done something wrong. no matter how small my mistake is. because I am that worthless. no one wants to look at me and my hard works, all of them are busy ignoring me, and even when they notice me, they'd only see my negatives. I hate that kind of feelings. I really hate them that everytime I feel them I just want to vomit. oh God how many times did I try to be an optimist? I'm just tired of that already. I want to pull my hair and slump in the corner of the room and cry my eyes out.
and to another problem that makes me want to run away from this house. it's my parents. that I just realize that they're not being arseholes. they are not being hard on me. they are good people, but they just understand almost nothing about me, yet they judge me like they know everything, like they're experts on parenting, in fact they aren't. they don't know me, and they're not trying to reach me. I know that someday when they find out all about me-- my love for gay porns, my former sexuality-- they will spit at me, expel me from the house and they won't want to see me again. because they aren't trying to reach me. because they don't want to reach me. I'm not mad at them-- well yea I am-- but I think that it's just a shame, you know? they are nice people and they could've been a great parents if they understand me. or at least willing to. this is an open, fresh wound because yesterday my mum just called me 'a girl with filthy heart' because I swallowed back my words when I was trying to argue with her. I did that because I don't want to hurt her! I did that because I'm tired and I don't want further confrontation. I really love her, I really do, and I'm trying my best to minimalize arguing back to her. and what made me upset was that she once told me I talked too much, that I argued too much, and when I don't say anything, she accused me that inside, I was cursing and hating her. it's true that I cursed inside my heart, but it was because I don't want to wound their parents pride.
if only my parents understand that this parents-daughter relationship is two sided relationship, not one sided.
now I'm crying again because that wound is that fresh.